Leaving this Space, to a New Space Again

So, once again here I go leaving another space.  Notice I call it "space" and not a home, because a home it is not.  A home is where you have your things, your stuff, your memories, and hopefully it is filled with loved ones.  I cleaned all day and bought some sunflowers for the kitchen.  My car is packed with the last of my things, and the last of my plants.  I am so thankful I have them, as they are a living things which are a part of me now, the only living things that come with me everywhere.  No more dogs, no more cats, not even loved ones around to talk to, laugh with, and enjoy.  

They got in about 10 pm, and it was so great to see them.  The house was lonely without them and the dogs around, for sure.  I got hugs from the kids, and from the Mom, as I missed them.  What wonderful, amazing, people to open their door to me when I needed a place to stay, when some brothers would not.  The kids were hungry, and somehow I ended up making pasta for them, and cleaned up after cooking.  I went to bed around 11:00, feeling uncomfortable.  I can't really explain it, but I don't feel relaxed much in another person's space.  I mean sleeping there, living with them, etc., not being in my own space.  I feel I can never really relax.  
They said they wanted to talk, and thanked me so much for staying in their home, and I felt I did nothing, they were the ones that were helping me out!  So, we planned on talking later on that day.  They were going out for the day, and wondering if I was going to be around later.  I did explain to them that my car was packed and I planned on going to my brothers home to stay tonight.  They said they would be home around 4:00, and by 5:00 they weren't home, and I was getting ansy as I wanted to just rest and get settled in again.  I changed my plans for them as I was going to head out sometime in the early afternoon, but when they said they wanted to talk I told them I would be around.  I decided to text them and ask if they would be home soon as I planed on heading out soon, and no one got back to me, so around 5:30 I left to head to my new place to stay, at my oldest brothers house.
Getting in wasn't so bad, I was so tired, I just laid on the bed, rested, prayed, and meditated, and went to sleep early.  

An Awesome Dinner with my two Children

   

Waking up so out of it and tired the last week, probably from the heat.  It's getting hot, and there is no air conditioning here, and it does get draining.  I have my two children here last night, to get together for dinner and hang out, since I will no longer be in this space. I don't enjoy food shopping anymore, and seems to waste so much time.  It took all day to food shop, and prepare dinner for them, and it was so hot here they barely wanted to stay.  I was so in the moment, happy they were coming for dinner and I could cook a loving meal for them, that I forgot about the heat, and how bad it was.  I even had to put the oven on, which wasn't smart at all, but wanted to make them baked macaroni and cheese that they love.  My daughter brought her dog, and I always love to see him, he is so cute, everyone loves him.  And my son's friend came as well, who is like family to us.  My oldest daughter couldn't make it, as she was with the family she use to work for, and of course she was missed.  I made too much food, we barely ate any of it, but my daughter took most of the left overs to her boyfriend, who couldn't make it because he was working.  She said he is very busy now, it is summer and many people want their dogs trained while they go away on vacation.  Makes sense to me.  He is a dog trainer, but more like dog psychology, like Cesar Milan, who he has trained with and works for when he holds his workshops around the United States.  My daughter found the perfect guy for her, they are both dog lovers, and animal lovers.  She became a dog trainer two years ago, and met her boyfriend last year.  I am so happy for her to see her in love, talking about getting married and having children.  She use to tell me all the time that she wanted to get married and have kids, and I would tell her at least she has her little sister, who is now only two years old.  I am happy my daughters want to be Moms, stay at home Moms, I don't know why, but it touches me so.  Because no one can come close to taking place of the child's Mom or Dad.
 The family is coming home this weekend, and although they have invited me to stay as long as I need to, I wouldn't feel very comfortable staying here while they are back home, I don't know the parents well enough to do that.  No matter who's home you stay in, it is still not yours, not your home, and feels so very different.  I can't believe I am in this place now, again with no home of my own.  Yes, I am grateful I have a place to stay, a place with a family member and do not have to pay rent, but it's still difficult.  Difficult to move, difficult to settle in again, a new house, a new bed, a new area, a new town to get to know.  I am so tired of moving, of doing this again, as this will be my seventh place I will be living in within a year.
I don't understand why my life couldn't have ended up easy, easier, and happy, happier.  Why my ex and I couldn't get through our pain, like everyone else does, and stay together.  I wish we would have concentrated on our castle we were planning to build, and even had the blueprints and the five acres to live on.  We did not focus on that one bit, not even mentioning it the last year or two we were together.  What a dream that was for us, a dream it would have been for our children as well.  We would have been in the woods, with the man I was very much attached to.  Did we hurt each other, yes.  But I was part of the hurting as well, so blind to see myself, my ego so big, not wanting to admit my own pain and hurt.
And now, now I will have to move again, after being in this beautiful space, with a nice large deck out the kitchen, nestled in the trees, with the birds, squirrels, etc.  It is going to be a hot one, super hot today, and I was invited to spend the day with my brother who is off of work this week, and they have a built in pool.  I have to take a car load of boxes to my brothers home anyway, so I planned a day to go home and do that.  It is already too hot outside, I can barely breathe, so I should get my car packed before it gets so hot.  Then, I will take it to my brothers where I will be staying, and then leave to my other brothers house and hang out there with him for the day.