Christmas Time

December

What a month to be in when your not feeling well, or sad or lonely already.  Tough time to be alone without family, without anyone, waking up alone, going to bed alone, every single day for who knows how long?  Been 16 years since my divorce, four years since my kids have moved out, and it still sucks being alone.  

Holidays are to be shared with loved ones, connection, glasses of wine together, hot chocolate with fires and snow, all the things we did as a family, I did with my daughters.  My son wasn't around us so much even when they got older, for some reason the girls kept giving him a hard time, about who knows what.  Really nothing, just sibling stuff, but it affected where he lived.  He could live at his Dad's without the annoyance of them on his case as they finally lived with me.  

Now I am here.  Where is here?  Hoboken, NJ for now.  I moved from the ocean to this city, because my two children live here now, and I don't want to drive over an hour and fifteen to see them, any longer, and for years to come.  

I have no attachments down the shore, except for the ocean and me!  My lease was up and I asked myself, where do I want to settle for awhile, now that my children are settling somewhere, my daughter is engaged, and they have a dog business in the town.  My car stopped working last Christmas, and I didn't want to get stuck with another monthly payment for a car, and thought again of moving to where my children are.  I don't see my daughter very often, but even when I do, at least I don't have to drive anywhere!  

I don't understand so many things, especially why I am where I am in my life alone, all alone, loosing my children, my family, my husband, my ex's family who were my best friends, and even my family, who no one calls and invites me anywhere!  I really have no one in my life for connection, love and support, it's like no one knows, nor cares!  

I have been in for days, no one calls, no one even knows I am here, or what I am doing. Boy, it can get seriously depressing, and hard to get out of sometimes, like now.  I am suppose to remember the crying is releasing, releasing emotions.  If I can remember that during those times, it will help somewhat, but you have to remember.

Solution, get out, get up, change direction, do something else to switch my energy.  Maybe try to go to gratitude, take deep breaths, meditate, do some yoga or Qi Gong.  Sometimes doing anything helps, to take you mind off the pain, sadness.  I also love mantras, and have so many I love, and they do help.  The trick for me is to realize I do have a choice, to be aware of that.  To even stop and focus on breathing helps to calm my body down, as I tend to tighten up when I am upset, causing my body pain.  

I wish I could say it has been easy for me, but I surely hope it's been easy for you!  The younger generation are pure light, here to shine so bright, helping to heal us and the earth by just "being" here!  We all are here for a reason, and have a major purpose, even if it's being, as in being, you are out in the world functioning, sending everyone your higher, loving energy, uplifting all of us!