Woke up so upset the other day, crying out of nowhere, it caught me totally by surprise. I cried and cried, feeling sad and scared. Scared of what? Scared of moving on, moving ahead to a new life again. I moved seven times last year, and it was very upsetting and unsettling. When you move, you feel out of your element, confused about everything, because nothing is the same, for your living space at least. I realized the tears were letting go of the past, my past life as a wife and Mother, and moving onto a new life for myself. A life for myself that I don't care about because all I want to do is to be a Mother. Maybe I should have followed through about being a Foster Parent when I thought of it years ago. But, I was worried about my pain, how can I care for a child all day, every day, being in pain like that? So, I decided to focus on getting healthy, finding my place here on earth and following my life purpose.
The tears were tears of sadness realizing I could not afford a place up North for me and my children, I could only afford a one bedroom, and that makes me feel a lack, lack of not being able to help them, not being able to provide for them when they need me to. My oldest daughter doesn't care and said she may leave to go away to school anyway, and my son keeps telling me he wants to get his own place. So, I realized I didn't want to live up there alone again as I did last winter because I was so sad and lonely all the time.
Now I will be moving down the shore, to the beach where people go all summer for vacation. I will be living there all year, so it will be home for me. But I don't want a new home, a new area to get use to. At least up North is home, I have lived there over thirty years. And, where I am now at my brothers is home, I grew up here. The beach is totally a new place to live. Yes, I have been there many times, but never lived there. Yes, it probably is good that it is a new town, because it will be a new life, a new start for my on my own. But, like I said, I cried for the life I could have had, the life I lost and wanted back, my family. I will always feel that loss after loosing custody of my children because of my crazy ex husband, all so he didn't have to pay child support, not because he wanted his children so badly. And now he has so many issues, the children barely want to have a relationship with him. It is so very sad, they have no Dad, just me and their Aunts and Uncles, but they have plenty of them! And tons of cousins as well.
So, I am releasing the old, cleansing those emotions that no longer serve me, and moving ahead. I am proud of myself for always striving for more, for better, what's the sense of living if we can't be happy? I will purge ahead until I am happy, content and at peace, whatever it takes. And for now, it takes me hitting the beach, well not only hitting it, but actually living there! Wow, only two weeks left, count down for sure!! <3
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