Feeling Really Sick with No One Around

Wow, you want to talk sad and depressed! I got really sick three days ago, of course because everyone around me was sick for weeks.  But, when I woke up yesterday with that terrible neck and head pain I get when I vomit, forget it!  I cried all morning, realizing I needed to go to the Emergency Room, to help take the edge off my pain.  That was a nightmare as I couldn't even find anyone to take me there.  I called some of my family, and either they were busy, or didn't answer the phone, and since I couldn't even talk, I couldn't leave a message.  For some reason I didn't want to text them either, figuring they were busy and didn't want to put them out.  I have six brothers, three who are married, and always thought we were all so close, always there for each other, but that changed years ago it seems, when a few of us got divorced.  Some of my brothers don't even care, don't care about their family anymore, never call, and don't get together, only for holidays.  This year I am pretty upset with some of my family members due to behavior I don't like very much, to me personally.  Asking for help and not receiving it from two brothers, the same two who always seem to get on my case basically about nothing.  I had to pull away from my one brother because each time I saw him, he was nasty to me about nothing, giving me shit over anything. I am really close to his wife, who is one that is always there for you, but don't see them much anymore because I won't go to the house due to him being so nasty to me.  And then, when I needed a place to stay, and was told for years to come stay there, I was turned down due to him, because he "likes his privacy"!  What type of family is this when all they do is preach "be there for one another", and when I truly needed someone they weren't there for me.  

So, I called some family members and either couldn't get in touch with them, or they couldn't help me, even my own daughter couldn't help, feeling I didn't need to go.  I think my kids just want to see me strong, and not see me in pain, so I understand that, but it still makes me feel sad.  I finally had to persuade my brother who I live with to take me, he didn't want to at first, I don't even know why.  My sister in law could take me after 8pm, and I realized I couldn't wait that long.  So, he finally took me.  When we arrived he was more compassionate than before, and offered to stay with me awhile.  I told him to leave as I was okay now, just wanting to hide my head down and zone out, away from all the people and the lights.  The emergency room is a sad place to be in when you are in pain, too many people, lights, and no compassion.  Even when I got to my space, they offered me motrin for my pain.  Are you kidding me?  I could take all of that stuff at home, why would I come there for that?  They barely helped me, finally gave me a small dose of morphine, after me suggesting it, and that barely did nothing.  The Doctor told me there was nothing else they could do for me? Imagine that, and sent me home still in so much pain.  

At first, she gave me some steroids for the sickness in my IV and that made me really wrestles, and I had no idea what was going on, I thought it was because I couldn't deal with the pain any longer, which is why I went there.  No, she told me it was from the steroids, and then gave me benadryl, to relax me.  All drugs, drugs that don't even work.  After that, was when she offered me motrin and I was so upset that it took that long for her to decide to treat my pain, and offer me worthless medicine that doesn't touch my pain.  Come on, I am in an emergency room, you would think they would be more creative than this.  This hospital was in New Brunswick, and I have to say, the hospital I go to in Hackensack is way ahead of the game with this.  Whatever they gave me took a lot of the pain away, but I am no longer living in that area.  

No one knows the pain I feel daily, in my body, and emotionally.  I have been suffering pretty badly with nerve pain in my neck and body since College, starting with that bad accident I had in High School Gymnastics to me neck.  I jumped off the highbar to land on my feet, but landed on may face instead.  Emotionally I have struggled with my marriage that was filled with criticism, ending in divorce, and worse loosing custody of my children due to the power his brother had in the Court system.  Struggling financially as a single mom for twelve years, not ever working being married, and being in the pain I was in made it very difficult.  And I was all alone, not ever getting help from anyone in my family, no one even calling to see if I needed help with anything!  Imagine a single mom, with three kids, with a family she thought she was close to, not even coming to visit to help, or even be around me and my children, just for love.  Just to be loved and feel loved and feel connected by some family.  And now I wonder why I have felt so unsupported as I have moved so many times in the past year, barely supported by my family.  So now it is truth, time to realize the truth of my family, how they are to me now, not caring, not being there.  Not all of them though, but most of them.  There are only a few I can count on, but they even have their lives to live, can't be bothered all the time.  My family has changed so much since a few of us divorced years ago, and I see that now, having to accept it.  

So, to be in so much pain, and so sick, and living in a space I am not happy in, only having a twin bed to sleep on, no table to eat on, no desk to do my work on, not even a dresser to put my clothes in, is very challenging, and very sad to me.  I look at my life now and wonder what even the reason to live is.  I have struggled my entire life, being abused in my home growing up, being abused by my husband, and now being alone with nothing, no children with me or no home of my own, is almost too much for me to bear.  Along with the pain I am in daily, and have been in for over thirty years, is making it unbearable.  

So, what is the answer, what is the way out?  Today I don't even know.  I only know how tired I am of this life, of being in so much pain daily, and of always feeling so alone.  Even after my divorce, I felt so alone without my husband, it was heartbreaking too.  There have been so many times I had wished we stayed together, because our love was deep and true.  Things got out of hand, and I now realize how it was all so internal, and we were just lashing out on each other, instead of seeing the light and love within.  Instead of "remembering" the love we had, what we loved and appreciated in each other.  That was all gone and my ex daily just insulted and criticized me, which I started to do back.  And he had no control over his anger, and yelled at me in front of the children constantly.  

But, now I am here, not even knowing how I will get out.  Being sick and in pain daily makes it harder to have faith in life.  To have faith to know it will get better is hard when it hasn't in over ten years.  I haven't truly been happy in a really long time, and it's draining me totally.  Draining me so much, wanting to leave this place to a new life, wondering when it will ever happen for me.