Waking up Freaking Out Again!

So many feelings have been going through me, so much crying and Spiritual work I have been doing, I haven't even written.  Catching up, I go through bouts of tears, sadness, feeling so sad and lonely again.  I was so bad yesterday waking up I cried my eyes out to my sister in law in the morning.  With feelings of struggling my entire life, why has it been so hard, so difficult, so emotional, and with all the Spiritual work I have been doing, why?  
I feel everything has always been taken away from me, my children, my family, my home.  I have had to resort to being a nanny again and with that has come much dysfunction in the families I have seen!  It is pretty upsetting to me to have to go back to this work again, as I get so drained from the children and families I see.  

I am trying to get out of this type of work, wanting to help heal others with the energy work I have learned, and guiding them along their path with doing Angel/Oracle Card Readings as well.  But, I have been too focused on bringing in finances immediately, and felt that was through being a nanny once again.  

I want to know why, why I have literally been crying for twelve years, on and off, regarding my divorce, the loss of my children through my divorce, and feeling so alone now with my children moving out.  I truly don't know how to get through the days anymore, the feelings are so intense, so overwhelming, leaving me feeling hopeless.  I have done way too much inner child work, always going back to where these feelings have come from, and still feel the same.  So, for me, right now, I feel that hasn't benefited me at all, just leaves me sadder, along with a severe migraine from crying.  

I have an appointment I have to go to, so I will have to get it together and get out of here.  I think a salt water bath is due, haven't had one in a long time because it is summer and I barely take baths now in the heat.  But, today, I think it will be a great idea to help cleanse me of this sadness and pain I am feeling.  

I hope anyone who gets this low, has someone near them to comfort them, listen to them and most of all hug them.  I pretty much have no one in my life right now that can give me a hug.  The family I have is pretty busy, and the ones I see do not hug you when you are sad.  My Soul Family is so big on hugs, that is what we do all weekend when we see one another, is give hugs! Great big comforting hugs, and I will tell you how much it helps.  It makes me feel cared for, loved, and comforts my heart.

My Lessons in Setting Boundaries

Wow, so much has been happening so fast.  I will catch you up.
I now have a new person to live with, a new, amazing friend that found me!  I kept asking the Universe for like minded souls to live with, like an intentional community, and she appeared.  Thank you Universe.
I moved into my brothers home only a few days ago, and woke up sad and confused.  It makes you feel so unsafe not knowing where you are, a new place, getting settled in and readjusted.  I was there only two nights when I headed up North to work for two days, and decided to sleep at my bosses house instead of asking my daughters.  They had said I could stay anytime, so I thought it would be fine.  I also thought maybe I would stay there four days a week, during the week when I would be working, and then here at my brothers on the weekend.  
Well, I didn't see them much the night I came in, I got in late, said hello and went to bed.  When I woke up the father wanted to talk to me about the plans for watching his daughter that night.  When I went to explain something to him unrelated to his daughter, he snapped at me and told me he was "busy working", and didn't have time to talk.  No, he didn't have time to talk and connect to another human being in his face, he was "too busy working".  I love this world we live in, where some people aren't aware that this is the reason we are here.  To bond, to connect, to listen, to hear, to get the lessons from others we are meant to get.  His reaction really upset me, knowing I did nothing to deserve this treatment first thing in the morning at his home, because what? He was pissed about something?  Darn if I know.  Then, when I got back to his place to watch his daughter and he was still home, he went into his car and took out some heavy bird food for the birds, and threw it in front of the front steps, expecting me to bring it in the house.  What type of gentleman is that?  The men in my life carry it in the house for me, one, because I am a woman, and two, because I am his nanny!  Wow, this all just truly blew me away.  I was so mad, and angry, and upset that I had already committed to sleep in his home after putting his daughter to bed.  I knew they were coming home after 12:00, and had to sleep there, but wanted to leave and run!  

There goes my decision to spend a few nights there, after he said sure, bring your stuff, stay as long as you like.  Wow, how fast things are shifting for me, not only day to day, but hour to hour.  I am seeing things very differently now after talking to one of my soul sisters.
During the day I spoke to a woman regarding a nanny position watching her two children.  She went on and on about her kids, all the things they do and how they have no down time, how she wanted laundry done, etc, and when I asked the pay rate for all of this, she didn't even want to pay $15 an hour.  By the end of the conversation she was giving me anxiety, my heart was starting to pound, and I didn't like the way I was feeling, her energy was really stressing me out, and making me ill.  I didn't understand why my body was so affected by her, but when she told me the pay rate, I immediately go off the phone, telling her the pay was too low for me, and basically hung the phone up.  She was so shocked, she said, okay in a strange way, and I got off the phone.

Since I was so confused over this, and couldn't understand what was going on with me, others, and my energy being affected I had to call someone to help me out.  So, I called one of my soul sisters who I knew would know what was going on.  She told me these people were all in my face to help me set boundaries, boundaries within myself.  To care for myself, protect myself, and not allow others to treat me the way they are.  Wow, this was so awesome for me to hear, and easier to do I thought, instead going back to inner child work, or I attracted it because it is a mirror for me and that is the way I am treating others.  Wow, I had all of that so wrong, sometimes these people are there to teach us to put ourselves first, to love ourselves first, and to do what makes us feel good at the moment, not anyone one else.  I have realized I have pushed myself aside for a long time, always putting others needs and wants ahead of my own.  The only thing you are telling yourself in this situation is that you are not good enough, not good enough to put first, to care about your feelings first.  Wow, such enlightenment for me.  And it is so true, boundaries has been a new learning experience for me and my children, we have all been working on this for the past year, always putting others needs ahead of our own.  

So, I had a few free hours during the day and decided to go to the park and sit under the huge Mother Willow tree I love in the park.  This always calms my spirit and relaxes me, when I left I felt much better, more centered, calm and peaceful.  

Waking up Down the Shore

Wow, what a glorious day it is here, down the shore.  I had the opportunity to spend the night with my girlfriend who lives down the shore, on the lagoon.  Because I have moved so many times in the past year, I realize how important our space if for us to be happy, content and motivated.  Waking up here, I feel I could accomplish anything I wanted to!  How could you not?  Waking up to sunshine, a home filled with windows and light, on the water, is such an amazing breath of fresh air!  I woke at 6:30, ready to get out of bed, and when I stepped outside, I felt instant relief.  Relief from life, from all the stresses I am going through, feeling so at peace and content.  Too bad it will be short lived, as I am leaving soon.

So many of us don't even realize what we have in our face, and always seem to focus on the problems in life and what we don't have.  What about waking up and feeling grateful each day for what we do have?  Starting each day with gratitude, gratitude for even our body, our mind, our thoughts, and our environment, and the people around us.  So many run from here to there, from work to wherever, never stopping to smell the roses and thanking God and the Universe for what we do have.  

As I am growing I see things and people so differently, and I am realize how most people I see and know live in fear and worry, focus on that, and are running around crazy, trying to keep up with their life.  They stress about everything, and focus on the things that "make them feel bad", and don't even realize why their life is the way it is.  I have been put in many situations lately with that energy, the negativity, the people that focus on the bad and complain about everything, and I know I use to be one of them.  

But, no longer, I have seen the light, I have made a conscious choice to focus on the good, to focus on what makes me feel good, and not bad.  If I asked people how would you like to feel all day?  Happy or sad?  I am sure their answer would be happy, but they don't realize they can not be happy when all they see is the negative, focus on it, and talk about it each and every day.  And they do not realize happiness is a choice.  A choice to appreciate life, to enjoy the moment and the people right in front of you.  A choice to live life as we want.  
I want to tell all of you this can be changed, it is a choice what we decide to focus on, yes it may become a habit, but it is still a choice.  It's like choosing love or hate?  Do I want to choose loving this person, understanding them, or just bitch and complain about them?  Do I want to focus on being grateful each and every day for anything I can?  I know this is possible, because I have made the change, the change to focus on things that make me "feel good", not things that make me "feel bad".  It is about being aware, conscious, realizing we have the power to change our life, to change our thoughts, totally.  If we just leave it to be, are not happy with ourselves, and just constantly complain about it all, how can we ever change?  How can we get out of that negative spiral?  We have free will, we can change, we can do anything we want to, but so many of us do not.

I am so glad that I have grown and come to a place of gratitude, I see others around me that have so much to be grateful for and are not.  They still are unhappy, still focusing on fear and worry.  I know I can not change them, all I can do is share what I am learning about changing my attitude, and on how the Universe does work.  We get what we put out, we attract what we feel, it's as simple as that.  Maybe when people want to see my shift, it will encourage them to do the same!

Day Two at my Brothers

Waking up in so much pain today, and not so good emotionally either.  Went to the beach yesterday, after trying to settle in a bit, I needed to take off and get away.  The day at the beach usually helps me to forget about everything and feel better.  When I got home last night I was exhausted though, and now worrying about where to live.

I am so sad today, sad about living like this again, going through another move again and again.  So sad, that I go back to old memories of what could have been, should have been, which would have prevented me from being here, in such a mess.  Who moves seven times within one year?  Stability? Safety? Security?  How could I have all of this, when I don't even know where I am waking up each day?  I wake up today with my body aching, my entire back, my neck, my head, and yes I am tired, tired of doing this and living this way.  I question how much longer I can do this, and now I will have to go back to being a nanny for at least another year.  I truly wanted to move past that role, but for now need to if I want to live in a new home with new friends, which I do.  

So confusing it all is, so many choices I need to make now, like quickly because I have been applying to nanny jobs and will have to commit to them or not.  My old boss wants to talk to me as well, I am assuming it would be for working for them, which would be fine with me.  It was nice I had a few weeks to identify myself as a writer, an author, and not more a nanny.  But, now I have a new home, with a new family, hopefully, and that is more important.  And I want to be near my children, as I just moved into my brothers home two days ago.

I had so  much in front of me, so much to be grateful for and appreciate, and I couldn't do that.  I fought, I yelled, I screamed, all in resistance to myself I suppose, to the pain that was within me.  I wish we focused on love, on the love we had when we fell in love and married, and not focused on hurting each other through our words.  Why didn't we feel love, feel the love that was always there inside our heart?  Was the pain that bad in our hearts that we had to hide it and attack?  Oh boy, so much to deal with, to get through, to ask why, but to ultimately forgive yourself and live in peace, love and happiness.
I can't wait to be happy, to be content, to feel safe, secure, wonderful, loved.  Loved by another that I can share my life with, I am ready to fall in love and spend the rest of my life time here with them. I would love my past memories to stop haunting me, to stop coming into my head out of nowhere, each day, all the time.  Yes, I focus on the positive, on what feels good, on what I want, on living where I want to, and becoming an author, and falling in love, but those memories still come.

I am going to have to shower now, and run back up North to work for two days.  The new part time nanny job I have for two days a week, and I get to watch the girl I just recently was a nanny for.  I am excited to spend time with her, I missed them being away and no longer caring for them.  I feel so confused again, as soon as I was settled where I was, in the trees on the deck! With awesome, great energy.  How do we expect to keep getting up, when we are so tired and feeling so low.  I want a loving, easy life, with someone around around to help care for me! 
I need all the love and support that I can get today, I ask my guides, my angels, the Masters, etc. to be with me, watch over me, and walk with me today.  Thank you, and help to heal my body! Surrounding it with white light.

Settling in at my Brothers Home

So crazy life is, has been, and is becoming.
So much going on, and this energy all around is so fast and intense that I have to consciously focus on grounding myself each day, needing to sit next to a huge tree!
I have moved to my brother's home temporarily, and now after being here almost two weeks I finally feel settled enough to start working on my book again.  When I signed a contract with Balboa Press at the end of July, I was able to transfer 90 pages onto word perfect, and started editing my book!  Being in the trees where I was staying temporarily truly helped my energy to focus on achieving and prospering.  


But, moving totally throws you off balance, like your spinning around forever and can not stop, until you settle in, how ever much time that takes.  On my sad days I feel how unfair it is for me to be living this way and going through it, but on my good days I know the Universe is just trying to push me ahead, shake me up, to finally follow my life purpose, which is writing.  So, I finally have gotten it, and finally have pushed ahead to do something about it.  I figured after loosing the job I had lined up, and loosing the place I was going to live, maybe the Universe was telling me something.  I started to think out of the box, and see what other options I had.  I asked the Universe for a sign as to what to do next, and I received a call from Balboa Press at that same moment, and answered that call with a huge grin on my face, understanding the message immediately.  So, this week I am going to concentrate on editing my book again, as I haven't looked at it in two weeks.  When I start I get very involved, barely stopping to eat, or stretch, but then my body ends up aching so much.  This time I hope to take the time to stop, rest, do some yoga, eat, and recharge.  

Today is Saturday, and I had the opportunity to hang out with my two great nephews, and my niece and brother, at their pool today.  I had an awesome time, being with my family always warms my heart.  I definitely have a strong need to stay connected to them, and know that my core imprint is disconnection.  So, that would mean my life purpose would be to connect, to connect to others, and family is great.  My nephews are adorable, one being born on my Father's birthday and feel he is an essence of him.  I have six brothers, and this is one of my oldest brothers who I remember always being there for my mom and for me.  He use to take me with him when he went to cut a woman's lawn in the summer, and I remember loving all the flowers around the woman's home.  

After getting home I felt really exhausted, and this time realizing I have felt this way all summer, very drained and exhausted from the heat.  The day I went to the beach with my nieces I felt drained and exhausted at her home afterwards.  Maybe it is my low thyroid that I do not take medication for, but do help with supplements.  I am going to look into getting some health care this week, and then get to the Doctor to have my blood drawn.  

I have noticed me changing a great deal, my thoughts, my perceptions, how much more in tune I am with people's energies, etc.  This is a cool thing for me, finally feeling that all the work I have been doing on myself the past year, is paying off.  So much pain and sadness, this was the worse winter of my life!  And, I am not kidding, I was so depressed I don't even know how I kept pushing myself ahead each day.  A time I don't ever want to remember, such sadness and pain I have gone through since last November when my children moved out.  I suppose lots of growth and expansion as well, but I haven't seen enough of the fruits from that yet.  I will be happy when I have my own place to call home, with loved ones in it, and being financially abundant!  And of course helping others in a big way, in whatever way I am here to serve.

Breaking down in tears today

Woke up feeling so sad today I didn't want to get out of bed, so I listened to some meditations before getting out.  I woke up feeling so low, drained, and exhausted, and so sad, wondering how I got to this place.  Asking the Universe why am I hear?  This is not what I want for myself now at all, I am too old for this, too old to keep moving around and not having a safe, comfy, warm loving home.  I have lived in seven different places within nine months, and it has been draining and a challenge.

I can see I am being shaken up, feeling like I was put in a can and literally shaken up, by the Universe, to get me to wake up, and purge ahead, to a place of my highest good.  But, going through this that does not make it any easier, it feels as if my strength, courage, and perseverance is being tested.  

I have moved into my brothers home, only about a week ago, due to the job and place I had to stay falling through.  I am grateful to have a place to lay my head at night, somewhere safe for now at least.  But, I feel I have gone backwards in life, after having a family, a home, financial stability, to being alone, without a home, having to move in with my brother because my finances have been depleted, and I am currently looking for work.

I cried this morning, crying about how I am going to get through this, and feeling all alone here.  Waking up alone, without your family around, and getting out of bed, has been the hardest thing for me to do this past year since my children have moved out.  Always questioning what am I hear for, what is the sense of all of this, why do I have to suffer so?  Some days, like today, I break down and cry upon wakening, feeling I can not bear this one more day.  

I cry for awhile, releasing how I am feeling, and decide to go outside and greet the day of sunshine.  I am feeling better seeing the sun.  The sun is a cure for all things for me, the intense sun, knowing now how this special energy is beaming from down upon us these past weeks, along with the Lion's gate flooded with loving energy coming through during this time.  I sit out for awhile and let the sun charge me, and I pray and meditate on the light healing me, and all of my loved ones as well.  I do this daily, many times a day in the summer, when I feel that sun beaming upon me, saying hello to me.  

I am trying to find work that is more aligned with my life purpose, and wanting to get away from being a nanny.  I know I have so much more to give, and have so many more lives to touch.  I hope and pray God and the Universe send me the right contacts in my work, to provide the financial abundance I am looking for now.  

My goal is to only stay here a few months, save some money, and move back up North where my children are.  And maybe even have the opportunity to live with one of my daughters again, as she is moving out of her place in November, and may want her own place again.  If we did live together it would be very different this time, I wouldn't take the role of being a Mom, I would have to take a back seat to her ways of living, as she is all grown up now and has lived on her own. Everything would be fine if I had the funds, it always seems to be that, the money.  I have had lots, and have been very irresponsible with it, and have been down to barely nothing, living week to week.

I need to make money now, as new bills will be do in September.  I am staying in a space of love and abundance, knowing the Universe will support me in this endeavor.  I have been able to stay away from that fear and worry mode, and am so grateful to have finally broken free of that.  

Keeping involved with my spiritual community has helped with with that immensely, learning how Source really is within us all and we truly do have the power to change anything we want, the power to receive whatever we want, to live in a space of joy, love and peace!  That is my goal, to finally be happy, no more suffering of feeling so disconnected and alone, and my dream coming true of having a wonderful home on the water filled with all the loving people I can find!