Waking up in so much pain today, and not so good emotionally either. Went to the beach yesterday, after trying to settle in a bit, I needed to take off and get away. The day at the beach usually helps me to forget about everything and feel better. When I got home last night I was exhausted though, and now worrying about where to live.
I am so sad today, sad about living like this again, going through another move again and again. So sad, that I go back to old memories of what could have been, should have been, which would have prevented me from being here, in such a mess. Who moves seven times within one year? Stability? Safety? Security? How could I have all of this, when I don't even know where I am waking up each day? I wake up today with my body aching, my entire back, my neck, my head, and yes I am tired, tired of doing this and living this way. I question how much longer I can do this, and now I will have to go back to being a nanny for at least another year. I truly wanted to move past that role, but for now need to if I want to live in a new home with new friends, which I do.
So confusing it all is, so many choices I need to make now, like quickly because I have been applying to nanny jobs and will have to commit to them or not. My old boss wants to talk to me as well, I am assuming it would be for working for them, which would be fine with me. It was nice I had a few weeks to identify myself as a writer, an author, and not more a nanny. But, now I have a new home, with a new family, hopefully, and that is more important. And I want to be near my children, as I just moved into my brothers home two days ago.
I had so much in front of me, so much to be grateful for and appreciate, and I couldn't do that. I fought, I yelled, I screamed, all in resistance to myself I suppose, to the pain that was within me. I wish we focused on love, on the love we had when we fell in love and married, and not focused on hurting each other through our words. Why didn't we feel love, feel the love that was always there inside our heart? Was the pain that bad in our hearts that we had to hide it and attack? Oh boy, so much to deal with, to get through, to ask why, but to ultimately forgive yourself and live in peace, love and happiness.
I can't wait to be happy, to be content, to feel safe, secure, wonderful, loved. Loved by another that I can share my life with, I am ready to fall in love and spend the rest of my life time here with them. I would love my past memories to stop haunting me, to stop coming into my head out of nowhere, each day, all the time. Yes, I focus on the positive, on what feels good, on what I want, on living where I want to, and becoming an author, and falling in love, but those memories still come.
I am going to have to shower now, and run back up North to work for two days. The new part time nanny job I have for two days a week, and I get to watch the girl I just recently was a nanny for. I am excited to spend time with her, I missed them being away and no longer caring for them. I feel so confused again, as soon as I was settled where I was, in the trees on the deck! With awesome, great energy. How do we expect to keep getting up, when we are so tired and feeling so low. I want a loving, easy life, with someone around around to help care for me!
I need all the love and support that I can get today, I ask my guides, my angels, the Masters, etc. to be with me, watch over me, and walk with me today. Thank you, and help to heal my body! Surrounding it with white light.
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