Here I go again, to see my soul sister, and so many soul friends, my Soul Family!! Yay!
Words can't even describe how excited I am about this! I am leaving tomorrow to go to California, to see "The Spiritual Catalyst" Teal Swan. Not only is she my Spiritual Mentor, Teacher. and Leader, she is my BFF, my soul sister from many life times together! I finally have come home. I have been searching for someone like her since seventh grade. No one could teach me what I was feeling, different from the others because I kept asking why? Why are we here? Why do we have to suffer? But she has taught me so much, and still is, and each Workshop raises my energy higher and higher!
The Workshops are held on Saturdays, with events for everyone Friday and Sunday. The idea is to be together, connect, form a community of like minded souls, laugh and have fun, and cry and let those emotions go. Wow, that's an intense weekend for sure, and it truly is. This is my fifth Workshop within a year, and after each one after arriving home, a little voice in my head would tell me to go to the next one, and so I did. And by far, her Workshops have been the most important part of my growth thus far.
She has taught me to love myself, be with myself, follow my joy, manifest what I want, and also to go deep inside my childhood pain, and feel it. That is a process, one I am always working on. But, after the times I sit with my pain, my vibration raises, becoming more whole and complete within myself.
And this one is in California and that means beach, and I am a true Jersey Girl! My hotel is only a few blocks away, and I will have all day Friday to myself, to relax on the beach and mediate. And there is a special healing for Friday night, and a music gig, and who does not love music? And for Sunday, it's a picnic on the beach, right in Santa Monica, the town I am staying in, and the town my kids and I fell in love with when we went a few years ago.
I will come home totally transformed, with my energy so high again I will want to stay in all week and keep it to myself! I will have the energy to get so much done, which I need to pack up my entire home and declutter. I will get my children's books going, and see where that leads me! I am happy, I am thrilled, I am sooo grateful for this. I will be able to be near my Soul Family, the family I love dearly and resonate so much with. The family I think about when times get tough, the family I dream about, and the family that loves me as I do them!
Holy Shit!
Namaste all day
Love and Light, and infinity and beyond!!
You will hear all about it when I get back!
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
My First Kundalini Yoga Class
Namaste ~
I attended my first kundalini yoga class today at a Yoga Studio I just went to for a Holistic Fair. I was also there a few months ago for a Kirtan, and I loved the women I met there, and loved the woman who ran the Studio. So, I was excited to see how different Kundalinin Yoga was, compared to Hatha, etc. The class was an hour and a half long. Kundalini Yoga is all about the breath, breathing exercises, and a sun salutation. The teacher, who I met before and loved, shocked me a few times in class.
She first explained how it is "your" practice, and do what "your" body tells you, which I know. I was a gymnast in High School and College, and lifted weights my entire life, a personal trainer, and have been doing yoga for ten years. I also get spasms in my back and neck and know when to stop. A few times during the class when I did what my body wanted to, and not what she was telling me to do, she corrected me. While I was ignoring her, in deep meditation with my eyes closed, she said it again and again. I finally stopped what I was doing and looked at her, and she reprimanded me again, but could not even look into my eyes! Wow, here you go, a spiritual yoga teacher, telling me I am doing it "wrong", not to do what I was doing to comfort my body, but I was "ruining the flow"! OMG! Your kidding me, right? I asked myself.
Then, after class as I was trying to explain myself, she ignored me, talking to me as if I knew nothing about yoga at all. She could care less what I had to say about anything, and I was pretty surprised, and walked away as she was talking to the others.
Now, I ask you what did I do besides not follow her plan? Did that intimidate her? Did my energy intimidate her? She acted as if I did something wrong to hurt her, and she was defending herself. All while I said nothing, but just listened to my own body on what it needs, and I am tired of pushing myself for others. This was self loving for me to do, especially as an athlete that still wants to "push" themselves. It is powerful and new for me to do this, and she should be proud, and should have listened, maybe learning a new lesson.
This is the problem I find when your vibration and energy is different than others that are in a "spiritual community". Some feel threatened, or are jealous, or something that I do not even know what it is, but it is one part I do not like. Other new spiritual beings I have met, have done the same thing. Some have even private messaged me on face book to chew my ear out and give me a hard time, when I did nothing to them! It's a crazy part of this, and I can't wait to hear Teal Swan's opinion on this.
Namaste all day ~
I attended my first kundalini yoga class today at a Yoga Studio I just went to for a Holistic Fair. I was also there a few months ago for a Kirtan, and I loved the women I met there, and loved the woman who ran the Studio. So, I was excited to see how different Kundalinin Yoga was, compared to Hatha, etc. The class was an hour and a half long. Kundalini Yoga is all about the breath, breathing exercises, and a sun salutation. The teacher, who I met before and loved, shocked me a few times in class.
She first explained how it is "your" practice, and do what "your" body tells you, which I know. I was a gymnast in High School and College, and lifted weights my entire life, a personal trainer, and have been doing yoga for ten years. I also get spasms in my back and neck and know when to stop. A few times during the class when I did what my body wanted to, and not what she was telling me to do, she corrected me. While I was ignoring her, in deep meditation with my eyes closed, she said it again and again. I finally stopped what I was doing and looked at her, and she reprimanded me again, but could not even look into my eyes! Wow, here you go, a spiritual yoga teacher, telling me I am doing it "wrong", not to do what I was doing to comfort my body, but I was "ruining the flow"! OMG! Your kidding me, right? I asked myself.
Then, after class as I was trying to explain myself, she ignored me, talking to me as if I knew nothing about yoga at all. She could care less what I had to say about anything, and I was pretty surprised, and walked away as she was talking to the others.
Now, I ask you what did I do besides not follow her plan? Did that intimidate her? Did my energy intimidate her? She acted as if I did something wrong to hurt her, and she was defending herself. All while I said nothing, but just listened to my own body on what it needs, and I am tired of pushing myself for others. This was self loving for me to do, especially as an athlete that still wants to "push" themselves. It is powerful and new for me to do this, and she should be proud, and should have listened, maybe learning a new lesson.
This is the problem I find when your vibration and energy is different than others that are in a "spiritual community". Some feel threatened, or are jealous, or something that I do not even know what it is, but it is one part I do not like. Other new spiritual beings I have met, have done the same thing. Some have even private messaged me on face book to chew my ear out and give me a hard time, when I did nothing to them! It's a crazy part of this, and I can't wait to hear Teal Swan's opinion on this.
Namaste all day ~
Meeting George
Namaste ~
George! I have six brothers, and of all of them George is the coolest, and happiest, always was. He was one of my older brothers growing up, and he was always happy, calm, and had the best energy. He use to take me on his landscaping jobs when I was young, and I remember enjoying my time with him out in the earth.
I figured I would move in with one of my brothers a few months to just chill and feel things out, but woke up today thinking maybe not. I realize it would be really hard to not have my own place, my own things, my own stuff, my own kitchen to cook in! I spent the day at a family party yesterday, with my brother, Eddie who lives in Monroe. I woke up realizing it would be awesome to live near them, because I am very close to them and I love my sister in law's energy! She is a doll, a very strong, loving, kind, supportive woman, and my brother is blessed to have her. And this is my younger brother who is the one who is always there to help me no matter what! The few years I had to move once a year, he was the one always there. When he was born seven years younger than me, he was my instant child, I loved taking care of him and always did. And if I lived near them, I would have family around, being able to go see them anytime I wanted to.
So, waking up today thoughts came to me of looking on Craigs List for a place to rent in Monore. If I could be near them I would feel loved, I love being around them and my niece and nephew. And if I live in Monroe, my other close family members are near, maybe only fifteen minutes away. I realized I need to be more near my family now, I have to let the kids go and not hold onto that leash any longer. And if I stay in Bergen County for them, how often will we really see each other? They want to break free! The prices in South Jersey are less expensive also. The first listing that appeared for Monroe was really inexpensive, and looked really nice, with granite kitchen cabinets as well. It was a large open floor plan, and everything looked new. So, I decided to call right away. The gentleman who answered the phone's name was George! Ha, George! There aren't many George's out there that I have met, not a coincidence at all. He said the phone was ringing off the hook all day, and if I was interested I should come today to look at it. I explained that I lived in Paramus, was just there yesterday, and had plans all day and couldn't get there. He said he was busy tomorrow and couldn't show it. I told him I would wait then, and see what happens, whatever will be will be. He came back and said, "If it's a good thing, you may not want to miss it". Okay I said, and told him I would call him back. I went back and read the ad again, realizing what an amazing opportunity this was, and decided to ride back down to see it. Spirit just spoke to me again, I got on the computer, this was the first ad I saw having no desire to look any further, and knew I had to go see it, so I did.
As I was driving closer to the address, I was in an awesome new development, with the nice mansions I love. Never did I think this basement apartment would be in a development like this. As I pulled up to the destination, a smile came to my face. The house was beautiful, with flowers, and mums all around. I walked up to the front door where I saw two teenage girls hanging out in the foyer through the glass doors. They let me in and a large man with salt and pepper hair came to greet me. Their ragdoll cat ran away. I asked the girls their names, and the gentleman lead me downstairs. There also was a woman with them, who I assumed was his wife. He showed me the apartment, which was beautiful. Brand new kitchen, granite countertop, a large living, dining area where I would even be able to fit my Dining Room Set. That makes me happy because I love my set, and most one bedroom apartments are so small you can barely fit a kitchen table. The only thing I wasn't happy with was the bathroom had no tub. I live in my tub, taking a daily bath, for therapy for my body and soul. The Epson Salt helps with my body pain, and that is where I mediate and answers and visions always come to me. He showed me the yard, and told me I could use it, and there was a jacuzzi outside. When I explained how I love the bathtub, he told me I could use the Jacuzzi outside, it just needed to be fixed having a broken pipe. I laughed stating I had a brother who was a plummer, my brother Michael. Hmm, nothing is a coincidence! So, having a Jacuzzi in the yard for me to use all year sounds pretty awesome to me! His daughter and I could even have girl time in there!! After he showed me the apartment, I told him it was awesome, and that I loved it and wanted it. He explained a couple looked at it as well today, and would let me know during the week.
After showing me the apartment, he sat down and started talking to me about where I work. I explained I was an Energy Healer, an Angel Card Reader, and teach children's yoga. He was really cool with that, explaining his sister who passed in her fifties, was into the same thing. Wow, there are no coincidences. Then he explained to me the apartment was for his mother in law, who just passed. His wife, who was his second wife, left him after she passed, and their daughter was staying with him for school. He was very calm, very nice, very kind and a very smart man, from Staten Island originally. Of course he was Italian, they always seem to surround me. We spoke for awhile, he asked me if the rent was an okay amount for me to pay, and I assured him it was. I was paying three times the amount for four years living in Paramus with my kids. Granted now I do not have a consistent form of income, and the work I am doing now will take time to build clients. I know the financial abundance will come, because I am doing what I love to do, what I am here to do. I left feeling really happy and excited! I called my sister in law from Monroe on the way home and told her the good news. She was really happy for me, and happy I would be living near them to be able to spend more time together. It feels as if it is already done, George and I meeting, and me living there. I think we will be able to help heal each other. Him by allowing me to live there, and me helping him during this transition of his divorce, and also being able to be there for his daughter to help her through this transition. I could even help him in many ways by caring for her, if he can not be there for her due to work or whatever. You know how much I love children and am here to help them.
This really changed my game 100%. Now I am so excited, to have my own place, to not live with someone a few months, and to be in a gorgeous environment, so I can shine my light and do what I need to do now, for myself and the world. I have lived in my own home forever, and like things the way I do, and love my private alone time as well. If I get lonely, all I have to do is drive ten minutes and have many family members to see for love and support. It's only a year, and I will see where it takes me. Next year I will manifest my own home, not sure where that will be yet. Being alone will give me the opportunity to write and publish some books that I have been wanting to!
I am letting it go, whatever will be will be, or already is, but of course I hope it's mine!
Namaste all day!
George! I have six brothers, and of all of them George is the coolest, and happiest, always was. He was one of my older brothers growing up, and he was always happy, calm, and had the best energy. He use to take me on his landscaping jobs when I was young, and I remember enjoying my time with him out in the earth.
I figured I would move in with one of my brothers a few months to just chill and feel things out, but woke up today thinking maybe not. I realize it would be really hard to not have my own place, my own things, my own stuff, my own kitchen to cook in! I spent the day at a family party yesterday, with my brother, Eddie who lives in Monroe. I woke up realizing it would be awesome to live near them, because I am very close to them and I love my sister in law's energy! She is a doll, a very strong, loving, kind, supportive woman, and my brother is blessed to have her. And this is my younger brother who is the one who is always there to help me no matter what! The few years I had to move once a year, he was the one always there. When he was born seven years younger than me, he was my instant child, I loved taking care of him and always did. And if I lived near them, I would have family around, being able to go see them anytime I wanted to.
So, waking up today thoughts came to me of looking on Craigs List for a place to rent in Monore. If I could be near them I would feel loved, I love being around them and my niece and nephew. And if I live in Monroe, my other close family members are near, maybe only fifteen minutes away. I realized I need to be more near my family now, I have to let the kids go and not hold onto that leash any longer. And if I stay in Bergen County for them, how often will we really see each other? They want to break free! The prices in South Jersey are less expensive also. The first listing that appeared for Monroe was really inexpensive, and looked really nice, with granite kitchen cabinets as well. It was a large open floor plan, and everything looked new. So, I decided to call right away. The gentleman who answered the phone's name was George! Ha, George! There aren't many George's out there that I have met, not a coincidence at all. He said the phone was ringing off the hook all day, and if I was interested I should come today to look at it. I explained that I lived in Paramus, was just there yesterday, and had plans all day and couldn't get there. He said he was busy tomorrow and couldn't show it. I told him I would wait then, and see what happens, whatever will be will be. He came back and said, "If it's a good thing, you may not want to miss it". Okay I said, and told him I would call him back. I went back and read the ad again, realizing what an amazing opportunity this was, and decided to ride back down to see it. Spirit just spoke to me again, I got on the computer, this was the first ad I saw having no desire to look any further, and knew I had to go see it, so I did.
As I was driving closer to the address, I was in an awesome new development, with the nice mansions I love. Never did I think this basement apartment would be in a development like this. As I pulled up to the destination, a smile came to my face. The house was beautiful, with flowers, and mums all around. I walked up to the front door where I saw two teenage girls hanging out in the foyer through the glass doors. They let me in and a large man with salt and pepper hair came to greet me. Their ragdoll cat ran away. I asked the girls their names, and the gentleman lead me downstairs. There also was a woman with them, who I assumed was his wife. He showed me the apartment, which was beautiful. Brand new kitchen, granite countertop, a large living, dining area where I would even be able to fit my Dining Room Set. That makes me happy because I love my set, and most one bedroom apartments are so small you can barely fit a kitchen table. The only thing I wasn't happy with was the bathroom had no tub. I live in my tub, taking a daily bath, for therapy for my body and soul. The Epson Salt helps with my body pain, and that is where I mediate and answers and visions always come to me. He showed me the yard, and told me I could use it, and there was a jacuzzi outside. When I explained how I love the bathtub, he told me I could use the Jacuzzi outside, it just needed to be fixed having a broken pipe. I laughed stating I had a brother who was a plummer, my brother Michael. Hmm, nothing is a coincidence! So, having a Jacuzzi in the yard for me to use all year sounds pretty awesome to me! His daughter and I could even have girl time in there!! After he showed me the apartment, I told him it was awesome, and that I loved it and wanted it. He explained a couple looked at it as well today, and would let me know during the week.
After showing me the apartment, he sat down and started talking to me about where I work. I explained I was an Energy Healer, an Angel Card Reader, and teach children's yoga. He was really cool with that, explaining his sister who passed in her fifties, was into the same thing. Wow, there are no coincidences. Then he explained to me the apartment was for his mother in law, who just passed. His wife, who was his second wife, left him after she passed, and their daughter was staying with him for school. He was very calm, very nice, very kind and a very smart man, from Staten Island originally. Of course he was Italian, they always seem to surround me. We spoke for awhile, he asked me if the rent was an okay amount for me to pay, and I assured him it was. I was paying three times the amount for four years living in Paramus with my kids. Granted now I do not have a consistent form of income, and the work I am doing now will take time to build clients. I know the financial abundance will come, because I am doing what I love to do, what I am here to do. I left feeling really happy and excited! I called my sister in law from Monroe on the way home and told her the good news. She was really happy for me, and happy I would be living near them to be able to spend more time together. It feels as if it is already done, George and I meeting, and me living there. I think we will be able to help heal each other. Him by allowing me to live there, and me helping him during this transition of his divorce, and also being able to be there for his daughter to help her through this transition. I could even help him in many ways by caring for her, if he can not be there for her due to work or whatever. You know how much I love children and am here to help them.
This really changed my game 100%. Now I am so excited, to have my own place, to not live with someone a few months, and to be in a gorgeous environment, so I can shine my light and do what I need to do now, for myself and the world. I have lived in my own home forever, and like things the way I do, and love my private alone time as well. If I get lonely, all I have to do is drive ten minutes and have many family members to see for love and support. It's only a year, and I will see where it takes me. Next year I will manifest my own home, not sure where that will be yet. Being alone will give me the opportunity to write and publish some books that I have been wanting to!
I am letting it go, whatever will be will be, or already is, but of course I hope it's mine!
Namaste all day!
My Family Party!
The day was awesome, it's amazing how being around family and loved ones makes you feel lifted up and supported in life! Ahh. It was awesome to be around my family today, we don't get together much since Mom and Dad are in Spirit, and some of us divorced. I love being around my family, I always have. My brothers played horse shoes, my nephews jumped on the trampoline with Lucy, their adorable boxer, and me and my sister in laws chatted all day.
My sister in laws and I talked about my girls moving out, and me moving on in my life. We spoke about how this is time for me to heal, to be allowed to care for myself, without having to care for anyone else right now. They know the struggle I have had, especially for the last two years when I pushed myself to care for four young children under seven years old. I left that job when my spiritual teacher explained how I drastically needed to change my life, in order to survive. And so I did. It is time to totally care for me now, even though I have been more the past two years, this is it. Total me, no one else, my body can relax now, not having to to anything for anyone but myself. Wow, I am actually looking forward to this. My sister in law and I have spoke of me moving into her place a few times last year, when I was vomiting almost weekly due to my migraine and neck pain. "It is overdue", she said, and I understand her words. I am glad I stayed until my daughters are ready to move out, and I see clearer now how all this needs to happen. For all three of us to grow, and heal,and for them to be able to heal alone without their Mother caring for them! They need to know now they can do it, take care of themselves, and move ahead. I am so proud of them, this will be so amazing for them, and when we are together I hope the lack of respect will crumble. We will see. My daughters get attitude at times, and don't always seem to be kind and compassionate towards me, and are selfish at times. It is hard to not take it personal, but it is easy to do. You feel you have given your children your entire being, and they do not want to help when you think they should. I realized it will be nice to be away from this, from the negativity I feel from them at times, and from their attitude. Sometimes it is hard to shine your light when others do not see it, and do not want to. I will be free to shine my light where I am suppose to now here, on this earth. It will give me a chance to grow also, to bring my creative gifts out into the world! It will give me the time to reach out and help heal the children on a larger scale, which I have been wanting to do for awhile.
I am feeling so much better about this, and being near my family all day really helped to heal me. I am grateful, I am happy, I am blessed!
Love and Light
My Trip to the Emergency Room
So, after crying hysterical for awhile, and on and off for two days, I was left with such pain waking up the next day. Woke up in severe pain in my neck and head, the pain that makes me vomit. I woke at 7:00 am and was going to get right into the tub, which helps to calm my muscles. But, as soon as I got up, I had to vomit. Being there wasn't any food in my belly, my stomach just kept going into spasms. I laid in bed and cried on and off all day, with nothing being able to ease the pain one bit. Even the ice my daughter brought for me did not help, which usually does calm the pain down. I could not handle the pain, and my stomach hurt so bad I couldn't keep vomiting. Around 4:00 I finally called my sister in law to see if she could come up and take me to the emergency room. Of course she could, and came right away. I laid in bed as she arrived to crippled to even move and get dressed on my own.
We got to the emergency room which was so bright and bothered me more. I brought a blanket with me, and hid under that until I was called to go in, which was over an hour at least. My sister in law tried talking to me many times, but I was in to much pain to respond. We finally got into a room, where they hooked me up with IV, with pain medicine, and liquid to hydrate me. The medicine was making me sleepy, which was great. My sister and law kept talking, then went to get a bite to eat. They took some tests, and everything came out okay, which I wasn't worried about, I just needed something for my pain. My sister and law left, and my daughter picked me up. I got home and went straight to bed, and slept most of the night. When I woke up I was in severe pain again! Oh no, I was really bummed again. but this time I was able to get in the tub. Then I iced my neck, rested and tried to sleep. This time my pain calmed down some, and I started to do some pastel work, trying to take my mind off the pain.
After reaching out to my soul family on face book, I went back into those emotions of feeling powerless and out of control in my life, and it brought me back to my home. I can remember laying in bed crying, feeling powerless, when I would hear my parents fight and argue. I would just lay there so scared, and pretty much forgot most of these memories. It is time to remember, so I held my inner child, comforted her, and told her I was there with her now. I was glad I realized where these feelings were coming from, because I always felt they were from all the things my ex did to me. Things like taking my kids away, making me feel powerless and not in control of my life. He also always got away with not having to pay me financially what he should, and that affected the way I lived my life. Now I realize I felt like a victim, and truly am not, none of us are. Once again my spiritual teacher taught me that, there are no victims, we do have the power and control within us, always.
Tomorrow I have a family party to go to at my youngest brothers house, I hope I feel better in the morning!
Namaste ~
We got to the emergency room which was so bright and bothered me more. I brought a blanket with me, and hid under that until I was called to go in, which was over an hour at least. My sister in law tried talking to me many times, but I was in to much pain to respond. We finally got into a room, where they hooked me up with IV, with pain medicine, and liquid to hydrate me. The medicine was making me sleepy, which was great. My sister and law kept talking, then went to get a bite to eat. They took some tests, and everything came out okay, which I wasn't worried about, I just needed something for my pain. My sister and law left, and my daughter picked me up. I got home and went straight to bed, and slept most of the night. When I woke up I was in severe pain again! Oh no, I was really bummed again. but this time I was able to get in the tub. Then I iced my neck, rested and tried to sleep. This time my pain calmed down some, and I started to do some pastel work, trying to take my mind off the pain.
After reaching out to my soul family on face book, I went back into those emotions of feeling powerless and out of control in my life, and it brought me back to my home. I can remember laying in bed crying, feeling powerless, when I would hear my parents fight and argue. I would just lay there so scared, and pretty much forgot most of these memories. It is time to remember, so I held my inner child, comforted her, and told her I was there with her now. I was glad I realized where these feelings were coming from, because I always felt they were from all the things my ex did to me. Things like taking my kids away, making me feel powerless and not in control of my life. He also always got away with not having to pay me financially what he should, and that affected the way I lived my life. Now I realize I felt like a victim, and truly am not, none of us are. Once again my spiritual teacher taught me that, there are no victims, we do have the power and control within us, always.
Tomorrow I have a family party to go to at my youngest brothers house, I hope I feel better in the morning!
Namaste ~
My Breakdown
Namaste ~
So, after finding an awesome place to live finally, the upstairs apartment in a large home, with an Italian grandmother underneath! After leaving the Realtor, I saw a home for rent by owner, and called and stopped in to see it. The Italian woman who showed it to me, who lives there, was so nice, so sweet, and wanted to connect. She showed me the place which was twice as large as all the other homes I saw, and the same price! I was excited, the kitchen was huge with large windows in the west when the sun sets. The living room and bedroom were large along with facing the east with large windows so the sun can greet you in the morning and say hello.
The woman enjoyed my company, explaining to me how she lost her husband of eight years, and tears flooded from her eyes. She had grandchildren that came often to visit and her one daughter lived with her. We really connected and bonded, and living there would be like having family underneath me, knowing that on Sunday dinners, she would most likely invite me down to eat! She didn't enjoy being alone, and enjoyed my company, it was really beautiful!
I phoned her daughter who was in charge, and she explained that her Mother loved me and wanted me there, all I had to do was come up with the security deposit. Okay, that's no problem I said to her, and I told her I would have it by the end of the week. I was so excited, knowing how awesome this place was, how large it was for the price, and to have a beautiful Italian family living there.
The next thing to do was to check in with my attorney, to see where the money is that my ex owes me for back child support I had to pay him when my daughters were living with me. I went to Court TWO years ago for this, and still haven't seen it, and I even have a so called "good" attorney. I reached out to him again, to see what was going on, because he never reaches out to me, I am the one always having to move the ball on this, which is pretty disappointing. My attorney finally sends me a letter from my ex's attorney, Ashley Cooper, stating they do not want to pay me a thing. Lying over some credits I owe him, and wanting me to prepay my child support obligation for my son, because he lives with his Dad full time now. Along with that came a letter from my son, stating how he lives with his Dad full time now. Last year when my ex brought up me paying child support for my son, my son got upset, explaining to me that his Father did not want it! I explained of course he did, or he wouldn't have had you sign this letter and give it to his attorney. So, at that time my son decided to live with both of us part time, so neither of us would have to pay child support. I have had to pay child support for my children for ten years, even though I did not work a day in my life being married! Even when my children moved in with me full time, I had to pay support. Even when I told the Judge I could not work due to a car accident I had, and had proof from Doctors treating me, he did not care, and still made me pay.
This time I totally broke down! I broke down because he has done this to me for ten years, always gets away with stuff he shouldn't, and it freaks me out to my core. I cried hysterical for awhile, having to hold my stomach in comfort. Along with this I cried because my son signed this letter, when last year he did not feel I should have to pay his father child support, when he is a Chiropractor and lives in a mansion. So, now he changed his tune, but couldn't even discuss it with me to prepare me. He went behind my back, not sharing this with me, and the day after he signed the letter he came away with me to Boston, and I even brought his friend with him, free of charge. We are so close, he has no relationship what so ever with his father, and that's what broke my heart. He has told me they don't even talk, barely saying hello to each other. I have no idea what that is all about, but we have been close his entire life!
After crying hysterical awhile, I called my friend, and broke down to her. She always comforts me with her words, she has been divorced and in the same situation with me, with abusive men. She explained once this is all over, I will feel so good, set free from him, even though now I am suffering. And to not take what my son is doing personally, because my ex manipulates them and has control issues. Just by her listening, comforted me, knowing someone understands and cares!
This also changes everything. If he will not pay me a thing, I will have to move in with one of my brothers for awhile, until I can figure it all out. Tomorrow I will call my attorney and speak to him about any other options we have, like taking him back to Court and let the Judge decide what he owes me. He should have stopped the child support obligation as soon as my children moved in with me, and he did not. This has been going on for two years, and I can not understand why no attorney can help me. This is my third attorney since Court, have given them $10,000 in total, and each one is powerless over Gail Weinberg's office. His attorney always seems to lead the way, and be in charge, which must stop. I do not understand the power they have. I am drained and exhausted, and am going to bed.
Namaste <3
So, after finding an awesome place to live finally, the upstairs apartment in a large home, with an Italian grandmother underneath! After leaving the Realtor, I saw a home for rent by owner, and called and stopped in to see it. The Italian woman who showed it to me, who lives there, was so nice, so sweet, and wanted to connect. She showed me the place which was twice as large as all the other homes I saw, and the same price! I was excited, the kitchen was huge with large windows in the west when the sun sets. The living room and bedroom were large along with facing the east with large windows so the sun can greet you in the morning and say hello.
The woman enjoyed my company, explaining to me how she lost her husband of eight years, and tears flooded from her eyes. She had grandchildren that came often to visit and her one daughter lived with her. We really connected and bonded, and living there would be like having family underneath me, knowing that on Sunday dinners, she would most likely invite me down to eat! She didn't enjoy being alone, and enjoyed my company, it was really beautiful!
I phoned her daughter who was in charge, and she explained that her Mother loved me and wanted me there, all I had to do was come up with the security deposit. Okay, that's no problem I said to her, and I told her I would have it by the end of the week. I was so excited, knowing how awesome this place was, how large it was for the price, and to have a beautiful Italian family living there.
The next thing to do was to check in with my attorney, to see where the money is that my ex owes me for back child support I had to pay him when my daughters were living with me. I went to Court TWO years ago for this, and still haven't seen it, and I even have a so called "good" attorney. I reached out to him again, to see what was going on, because he never reaches out to me, I am the one always having to move the ball on this, which is pretty disappointing. My attorney finally sends me a letter from my ex's attorney, Ashley Cooper, stating they do not want to pay me a thing. Lying over some credits I owe him, and wanting me to prepay my child support obligation for my son, because he lives with his Dad full time now. Along with that came a letter from my son, stating how he lives with his Dad full time now. Last year when my ex brought up me paying child support for my son, my son got upset, explaining to me that his Father did not want it! I explained of course he did, or he wouldn't have had you sign this letter and give it to his attorney. So, at that time my son decided to live with both of us part time, so neither of us would have to pay child support. I have had to pay child support for my children for ten years, even though I did not work a day in my life being married! Even when my children moved in with me full time, I had to pay support. Even when I told the Judge I could not work due to a car accident I had, and had proof from Doctors treating me, he did not care, and still made me pay.
This time I totally broke down! I broke down because he has done this to me for ten years, always gets away with stuff he shouldn't, and it freaks me out to my core. I cried hysterical for awhile, having to hold my stomach in comfort. Along with this I cried because my son signed this letter, when last year he did not feel I should have to pay his father child support, when he is a Chiropractor and lives in a mansion. So, now he changed his tune, but couldn't even discuss it with me to prepare me. He went behind my back, not sharing this with me, and the day after he signed the letter he came away with me to Boston, and I even brought his friend with him, free of charge. We are so close, he has no relationship what so ever with his father, and that's what broke my heart. He has told me they don't even talk, barely saying hello to each other. I have no idea what that is all about, but we have been close his entire life!
After crying hysterical awhile, I called my friend, and broke down to her. She always comforts me with her words, she has been divorced and in the same situation with me, with abusive men. She explained once this is all over, I will feel so good, set free from him, even though now I am suffering. And to not take what my son is doing personally, because my ex manipulates them and has control issues. Just by her listening, comforted me, knowing someone understands and cares!
This also changes everything. If he will not pay me a thing, I will have to move in with one of my brothers for awhile, until I can figure it all out. Tomorrow I will call my attorney and speak to him about any other options we have, like taking him back to Court and let the Judge decide what he owes me. He should have stopped the child support obligation as soon as my children moved in with me, and he did not. This has been going on for two years, and I can not understand why no attorney can help me. This is my third attorney since Court, have given them $10,000 in total, and each one is powerless over Gail Weinberg's office. His attorney always seems to lead the way, and be in charge, which must stop. I do not understand the power they have. I am drained and exhausted, and am going to bed.
Namaste <3
Looking for More Places to Live
After taking a day to think of the apartment I found, I realize there were some draw backs. There were tons of wobbly steps leading to the apartment, and many steps upstairs to the apartment. I would have to really freeze all winter walking to my car which is really far from the apartment. It would also be a major deal to move all of my furniture such a far way, for only a year.
So, I decided to look with a realtor. There was a realtor I met yesterday that showed me another Condo place, and I thought I would call her for help. We really connected, talking about healing, Angel Cards that I read, and other spiritual things. She too, was a single mother, and told me her story of struggling. She also just started to sell some type of supplement/nutrition stuff, that I also wanted to look into.
So, she met me and we looked at a few places. It was so nice to do this with someone, a new friend who I enjoyed being with, and not having to do this alone. I did, once again find a place I loved, a two bedroom with a nice updated kitchen, and lots of windows in the living room. We went back to the office to do some paper work, and run my credit report, which was great because I have wanted to do this myself as well. Not eating all day, running around left me feeling not so well at her office, so I took the application home to fill out.
I didn't get to it, but when I woke the next day I faxed it over to her. She never received it, which was pretty strange, but I was out with my daughter and couldn't fax it for awhile. I faxed it again, and she still said she did not receive it. Something was going on as to why she did not get it. I was drained at the end of the day, and had no more energy to give to this, and let it go for now. I decided to let it go until tomorrow morning.
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
A Condo in Mahwah
I decided to go house hunting again today, the sooner I find a place the better I will feel. So I decided to venture out to Mahwah, where there are a lot more trees, woods and land. I had to use a realtor, even though I didn't want to, who wants to pay a month security deposit for nothing? But, I did not see many rentals on Craigs List, and I am not waiting until the last minute for this. I want to know where I am going so I can relax, and feel at ease. This Condo was in a huge complex, along with a pool. My girlfriend of long ago, actually bought a Condo here when we first were having children. They are so nice because they kept all the trees, and just seemed to built the Condos around them! The realtor took me down so many steps to get to it, which I loved that it was far away from everyone. There was a small court yard, with about eight doors leading to condos. It was an upstairs unit with a huge cathedral ceiling and large windows in the living area facing east, along with a deck. I loved it instantly, so light, so bright, so open and high. It was a two bedroom and thought I could use the second room for my healing work.
After I left I went to a few other Condo Communities in Mahwah, and none of them compared to this one. I loved the woods and the space, so I decided to fill out an application which the Realtor was going to email to me. I would love this space and could picture myself in a snowstorm, looking out the windows at the snow, becoming so very creative. When I arrived home, I was exhausted and in so much pain, forgetting to even look at the application. I a trying to figure out why my body aches so much when I run around all day. I made an appointment with another place in the morning, which sounded awesome too, in the woods.
After I left I went to a few other Condo Communities in Mahwah, and none of them compared to this one. I loved the woods and the space, so I decided to fill out an application which the Realtor was going to email to me. I would love this space and could picture myself in a snowstorm, looking out the windows at the snow, becoming so very creative. When I arrived home, I was exhausted and in so much pain, forgetting to even look at the application. I a trying to figure out why my body aches so much when I run around all day. I made an appointment with another place in the morning, which sounded awesome too, in the woods.
Looking into a Rental Community
Wow. I can't even believe I have to start house hunting. I decided to look at a new Rental Community, the one where my kids were moving to. I am not sure if they want me there or not, but I thought I would look anyway. I thought if I lived right near them, I would feel a lot better about this move. So, I started looking for homes in Hasbrouck Heights, because it is the next town over. But, to be in the same place, that would be really nice, I wouldn't feel so alone knowing they are right there somewhere for me. And when it snows, I will have someone to hang out with, instead of being in all day alone. I am so sad about being alone, it makes me cry. Regardless if I will get use to it or not, it makes me sad today, here and now, and that's what matters. I try to ask myself why It makes me feel so lonely, and It makes me feel the same way as when I was divorced and lost my kids full time. That sense of loss, and sadness, still eats me away. That is a hard one to get over, even though it is not on my mind all day anymore, it still hurts very deeply. So, now with this move, I feel the loss of my family back from when I divorced. And, I felt very sad and was very lonely, feeling so detached and disconnected from my eneryg source, my family! So, I don't feel so badly today about moving, I feel much better knowing I may be able to rent there.
I have realized by "trying things out", I get more of a sense of what I want and don't want. So, I took a ride to the Rental Community and looked at the place. I had no idea what to expect, but it reminded of a hotel. Through a long hallway to get to your place, and I am so used to a house, using your own front door. Inside the place, it was very small. So small, I certainly could not live there, someone is making millions of dollars by asking for an overpriced small apartment, in a hotel like building. I won't get into how overpriced homes are in Bergen County, that's an entire article on it's own. There is no yard, but some have balconies, which I would have. The complex was very cold, with metal decor everywhere, without any real life, like plants, etc. The woman who showed me the rental seemed like I bothered her, she was so not into her job, and it showed. So, I left there shocked as hell, and relieved because I know my one daughter was not crazy about me living in the same place as them. Things will work out how they should, I know totally trust the Universe knows what I need, and will send it to me gladly and with joy, as long as I flow with that river, and not against it. If worry and fear gets in my head, I run to the earth, sit by a tree, and it all goes away, I feel so at peace. It makes me so calm and peaceful in the forest, and my Shaman explained to me my little girl was playing in the forest, and wants me to go there all the time. And to actually face the tree, with my third eye on the tree trunk! Ha, I only lasted a few minutes doing that when I was in a public place, but have found places to go now where it is private and no one will see!
I have realized by "trying things out", I get more of a sense of what I want and don't want. So, I took a ride to the Rental Community and looked at the place. I had no idea what to expect, but it reminded of a hotel. Through a long hallway to get to your place, and I am so used to a house, using your own front door. Inside the place, it was very small. So small, I certainly could not live there, someone is making millions of dollars by asking for an overpriced small apartment, in a hotel like building. I won't get into how overpriced homes are in Bergen County, that's an entire article on it's own. There is no yard, but some have balconies, which I would have. The complex was very cold, with metal decor everywhere, without any real life, like plants, etc. The woman who showed me the rental seemed like I bothered her, she was so not into her job, and it showed. So, I left there shocked as hell, and relieved because I know my one daughter was not crazy about me living in the same place as them. Things will work out how they should, I know totally trust the Universe knows what I need, and will send it to me gladly and with joy, as long as I flow with that river, and not against it. If worry and fear gets in my head, I run to the earth, sit by a tree, and it all goes away, I feel so at peace. It makes me so calm and peaceful in the forest, and my Shaman explained to me my little girl was playing in the forest, and wants me to go there all the time. And to actually face the tree, with my third eye on the tree trunk! Ha, I only lasted a few minutes doing that when I was in a public place, but have found places to go now where it is private and no one will see!
My Children Getting the Okay to Move!
So many changes are occuring this year already, with all the shifts in energy from Teal Swan's Workshops, it's been crazy and I feel so blessed! Bu, now my kids tell me they are seriously going to move out in November, at the place they looked at a month ago. They really need this now in their jourey ahead as young woman, but me, single mom, so sad. this is a hard one for me, I am encouraging them to get what they want by manifesting it without questioning how it will occur. Other people may also come our way to help us manifest wht we want, it doesn't always have to come from us. When they spoke about wanting their own place, but not having the money now, I told them not to think that way. The Universe will send them a way to move out if they focus on it, and talk about it. So, that's what we did a few weeks ago. Then, a few days ago my daughter received an email from the Rental Community, stating there was an opening for the unit they were waiting for in November! Wow, pretty crazy since we were just talking about it. It is just like my daughter always planned. I know the Universe is working here, to the best of our higher good, all of us, including me. I have been crying on and off, being so sad they will be leaving me, and me being all alone. I am one of seven children, have so many nieces and nephews and raised my kids together with my two sister in laws and we had a total of 11 children between all of us. So, to be all alone is giving me feelings of wanting "my" family back, the only one I know, which includes my ex and my children. I have been crying over the loss of my ex again, during these few days. Missing him so much and wanting him back in my life, feeling so very connected to him still. I am sending him love all day, telling his spirit guides the love I will always have for him, let him feel it and know it. I know it's crazy, there was alot of abuse, but he was just hurting as much as I was, we only could hurt each other until we healed ourselves. I am much healthier now, and have learned so much that I can send him love. I know now that we all decided to come here together, to help in our growth with one another and work out our crap. He was hurt so he attacked me. It is such a shame we didn't focus on what we loved about each other, what we fell in love with in the first place. If you could do that, and send each other at least one compliment a day, without insults, you are on the right path of happiness and love. It's hard to be grateful for each other when you are being constantly insulted and criticized. How I felt tormented for years, and still loved him.
So, now I have to face moving in two months, to who knows where, all alone. I don't know how my brothers did it when they got divorced, being all alone. I am lucky I have had my kids the past five years full time, but now it will be hard to leave. I have to leave this four bedroom home with a lemonade front porch of four years, it has been like home to me. Even though I never was crazy about this house, its 100 years old, with dark paneling, and I love new, new, new. Old makes me feel very poor, plus the house was very dark. But it is large, and we all had our own rooms, and my landlord was amazing. I have so much here, in the basement, stuff, books, pictures, way too much stuff to take with me, so it will be a time of major letting go, to growth and expansion. But, today I am sad and scared to move, to be all alone, and to not have any idea where I am going. I have ventured out down the beach looking for a place to stay, and even to the lakes Northeast in the woods. I love the woods, and it is so much less expensive there too. So, I am hoping by looking and putting it out there, the Universe will send me in the right place. Now, after I cry a bit, and go with those emotions of feeling lonely and lost, they are the same feelings I had after my divorce when I missed my ex so much. I have been sitting with those emotions and telling myself it's okay, I am here with you now. I have to remind myself, the Universe will take care of me, because it does love me and wants me to be happy, whole and complete. Then,, I can relax and allow the river to flow where it wants to take me, to the place of m highest good. Fear and worry have to leave and get out of the picture, and I am good at doing that now. I can easily switch to having faith in the Universe and manifesting, because I can look at everything in the past few months that occured because I manifested it!
Namaste
So, now I have to face moving in two months, to who knows where, all alone. I don't know how my brothers did it when they got divorced, being all alone. I am lucky I have had my kids the past five years full time, but now it will be hard to leave. I have to leave this four bedroom home with a lemonade front porch of four years, it has been like home to me. Even though I never was crazy about this house, its 100 years old, with dark paneling, and I love new, new, new. Old makes me feel very poor, plus the house was very dark. But it is large, and we all had our own rooms, and my landlord was amazing. I have so much here, in the basement, stuff, books, pictures, way too much stuff to take with me, so it will be a time of major letting go, to growth and expansion. But, today I am sad and scared to move, to be all alone, and to not have any idea where I am going. I have ventured out down the beach looking for a place to stay, and even to the lakes Northeast in the woods. I love the woods, and it is so much less expensive there too. So, I am hoping by looking and putting it out there, the Universe will send me in the right place. Now, after I cry a bit, and go with those emotions of feeling lonely and lost, they are the same feelings I had after my divorce when I missed my ex so much. I have been sitting with those emotions and telling myself it's okay, I am here with you now. I have to remind myself, the Universe will take care of me, because it does love me and wants me to be happy, whole and complete. Then,, I can relax and allow the river to flow where it wants to take me, to the place of m highest good. Fear and worry have to leave and get out of the picture, and I am good at doing that now. I can easily switch to having faith in the Universe and manifesting, because I can look at everything in the past few months that occured because I manifested it!
Namaste
Monday, September 22, 2014
The Biggest Move Yet ~ My Children Moving Out!
Hello!
This is the first blog for my new growth. So much has happened to me so quickly I can't even catch Up and I am so very excited in my new transformation in life!
My daughters have wanted to move out since last January, and since then it has been tough. They get irritable pretty fast, take it out on me, and I take it personal and get upset. We are very close, and me being the only girl in a family of six boys, I was grateful when I was having girls! They are 23, and 22, and need to spread their wings and fly. All summer we have been talking about all of us needing to take our own path, and let go of this family unit the way it is now. Each spiritual workshop I come home from, after seeing my Spiritual Mentor, Teal Swan, my energy is very high. So high I do not relate to many others out there, having a different vibration and energy. This also included my children. Now I am getting use to it, so when they have attitude, I just walk away, no I actually run! I use to stay and engage in that negative energy arguing back, but now I am in such a state of bliss when I return, and I have desire to engage, feeling so calm and at ease. You see her workshops change your energy and vibration drastically, just by being in her presence. And the people who follow her are so filled with unconditional love, that I always connect with wonderful, loving souls, souls I have know many lifetimes.
So, when my daughters started talking about moving out again, I went straight into manifesting mode, telling them they can if they believe they can and focus on achieving it, regardless how worried my one daughter was about money. She kept stating how they did not have enough money to move out, which she was right, they did not. But, abundance can come from anywhere, any source, not just from yourself, so we had thoughts of their Dad finally helping them out. They will be opening their own Day Care Center next year, in their Father's office building which he owns. He was renting it to others who backed out due to financial issues, and bam, that opened the door for them to jump in. Nothing is a coincidence, see how awesome the Universe works? This is an amazing opportunity for my children, especially for me because I struggled so much financially for ten years never working while being married, raising my children. This comforts me to know they will always have financial security within themselves, never having to worry or struggle as I once did. We all love children so much, all of us being nanny's at some points in our life.
So, I know in order to manifest you need to talk about it and focus on it, so that is what we started to do. And it motivated my daughter to start looking. She found an Avalon Community she liked, they even went to see it, and then the ball started to roll. They loved it and left their information for a specific apartment they wanted, a two bedroom with two floors. And once again, the Universe working in the way it does by getting what we focus on, one became available for November. They figured out a way to get it financially, with the help of their Dad, and now they are moving out in November! I am so very happy and excited for them, that is why I kept pushing them by telling them they can manifest whatever they want, and not to keep asking "how", but by focusing on what they want.
But, then, of course this left me in tears. Tears of loosing my children again and being all alone. I lost my children when we were divorced, my ex receiving custody due to the power his brother had in Hackensack, the town the Court House resides in. So, all these feelings of loss came back, sobbing for a few weeks over this. Thanks to my spiritual mentor, I knew to keep going back to where these feelings of loss and loneliness came from. And I sat with those feelings for along time, telling my inner child everything was okay because I was there with her now. The loneliness I felt as a child was so unbearable, I totally disconnected from it. Being raised with six brothers, in an environment with a great deal of arguing, left me feeling very alone and lonely, no one was there to protect me from the physical fighting my brothers and I did constantly. When I think back at my younger years, I remember being really happy in High School. I was really social like my Father, and had so many friends, and there wasn't any drama at all, just chilling out and fun, partying times. But, as I go back and look at how I felt in the house I grew up in, ugh. I never liked that house as soon as I moved out and went to College at 18. The feelings I have in that house are feelings of pain, sadness, and feeling so alone. Feeling powerless and unprotected.
This house I have been in for four years, the longest home I have been in since being a single Mother ten years ago. So, not only do I feel as if I am loosing my children, I am also loosing my home. The home where we were all stuck in so many times last winter in all of the snow storms we had! All the girls did was shovel, come in and sit by the fire and watch TV. I have many memories here. Last Christmas when we were putting up a tree, and a mouse ran into my son's sleeve, and as he freaked out he shook his arm and it hit the wall, so very sad. It is going to be very sad to go, and I have so much stuff to pack and get rid of. I still have everything from my marriage, a house full of stuff. So, yes, it is time to cleanse, release and let go, and that already feels good. Change is good I know, good when people seem to get stuck and become stagnant, which is what I saw with my daughters, that is why I encouraged them to go. They are beautiful, loving, kind, compassionate children, they just need to detach from their "Mother" now, and let go and be set free. Free to see what they really can do alone in the world, free to empower themselves, and grow into whoever they want to be!
The tears come and go each day, as I wake up realizing how life is going to drastically change for me, how I will miss my children to my core, and once again feeling so alone without them. But I know in time it will all work out for the best, knowing it is time.
Namaste all day!
This is the first blog for my new growth. So much has happened to me so quickly I can't even catch Up and I am so very excited in my new transformation in life!
My daughters have wanted to move out since last January, and since then it has been tough. They get irritable pretty fast, take it out on me, and I take it personal and get upset. We are very close, and me being the only girl in a family of six boys, I was grateful when I was having girls! They are 23, and 22, and need to spread their wings and fly. All summer we have been talking about all of us needing to take our own path, and let go of this family unit the way it is now. Each spiritual workshop I come home from, after seeing my Spiritual Mentor, Teal Swan, my energy is very high. So high I do not relate to many others out there, having a different vibration and energy. This also included my children. Now I am getting use to it, so when they have attitude, I just walk away, no I actually run! I use to stay and engage in that negative energy arguing back, but now I am in such a state of bliss when I return, and I have desire to engage, feeling so calm and at ease. You see her workshops change your energy and vibration drastically, just by being in her presence. And the people who follow her are so filled with unconditional love, that I always connect with wonderful, loving souls, souls I have know many lifetimes.
So, when my daughters started talking about moving out again, I went straight into manifesting mode, telling them they can if they believe they can and focus on achieving it, regardless how worried my one daughter was about money. She kept stating how they did not have enough money to move out, which she was right, they did not. But, abundance can come from anywhere, any source, not just from yourself, so we had thoughts of their Dad finally helping them out. They will be opening their own Day Care Center next year, in their Father's office building which he owns. He was renting it to others who backed out due to financial issues, and bam, that opened the door for them to jump in. Nothing is a coincidence, see how awesome the Universe works? This is an amazing opportunity for my children, especially for me because I struggled so much financially for ten years never working while being married, raising my children. This comforts me to know they will always have financial security within themselves, never having to worry or struggle as I once did. We all love children so much, all of us being nanny's at some points in our life.
So, I know in order to manifest you need to talk about it and focus on it, so that is what we started to do. And it motivated my daughter to start looking. She found an Avalon Community she liked, they even went to see it, and then the ball started to roll. They loved it and left their information for a specific apartment they wanted, a two bedroom with two floors. And once again, the Universe working in the way it does by getting what we focus on, one became available for November. They figured out a way to get it financially, with the help of their Dad, and now they are moving out in November! I am so very happy and excited for them, that is why I kept pushing them by telling them they can manifest whatever they want, and not to keep asking "how", but by focusing on what they want.
But, then, of course this left me in tears. Tears of loosing my children again and being all alone. I lost my children when we were divorced, my ex receiving custody due to the power his brother had in Hackensack, the town the Court House resides in. So, all these feelings of loss came back, sobbing for a few weeks over this. Thanks to my spiritual mentor, I knew to keep going back to where these feelings of loss and loneliness came from. And I sat with those feelings for along time, telling my inner child everything was okay because I was there with her now. The loneliness I felt as a child was so unbearable, I totally disconnected from it. Being raised with six brothers, in an environment with a great deal of arguing, left me feeling very alone and lonely, no one was there to protect me from the physical fighting my brothers and I did constantly. When I think back at my younger years, I remember being really happy in High School. I was really social like my Father, and had so many friends, and there wasn't any drama at all, just chilling out and fun, partying times. But, as I go back and look at how I felt in the house I grew up in, ugh. I never liked that house as soon as I moved out and went to College at 18. The feelings I have in that house are feelings of pain, sadness, and feeling so alone. Feeling powerless and unprotected.
This house I have been in for four years, the longest home I have been in since being a single Mother ten years ago. So, not only do I feel as if I am loosing my children, I am also loosing my home. The home where we were all stuck in so many times last winter in all of the snow storms we had! All the girls did was shovel, come in and sit by the fire and watch TV. I have many memories here. Last Christmas when we were putting up a tree, and a mouse ran into my son's sleeve, and as he freaked out he shook his arm and it hit the wall, so very sad. It is going to be very sad to go, and I have so much stuff to pack and get rid of. I still have everything from my marriage, a house full of stuff. So, yes, it is time to cleanse, release and let go, and that already feels good. Change is good I know, good when people seem to get stuck and become stagnant, which is what I saw with my daughters, that is why I encouraged them to go. They are beautiful, loving, kind, compassionate children, they just need to detach from their "Mother" now, and let go and be set free. Free to see what they really can do alone in the world, free to empower themselves, and grow into whoever they want to be!
The tears come and go each day, as I wake up realizing how life is going to drastically change for me, how I will miss my children to my core, and once again feeling so alone without them. But I know in time it will all work out for the best, knowing it is time.
Namaste all day!
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