Sunday ~ Day after Storing My Life Things!!

Hello
Boy, so waking up today felt empty, with my things not being around me I felt lost.  Me and the girls were going to Bob's Furniture for them to look for a couch set, and I have a mattress to return because I no longer need it, my brother tells me there is a bed in the room already.  
Being in the furniture store with my daughters, they weren't even nice to me.  As I was trying to return the mattress I bought, the store did not want to, telling me their policy is no return.  I was surprised and shocked at this, a store this big not wanting to return a mattress still in the box never opened?  As I argued with them and told them why I didn't need it any longer, because I had no place to stay, and tears came to my eyes, the gentleman finally allowed it.  Wow, so much work, all that effort, just to return something brand new, never used, and never opened.  

Once that was done, my daughters appeared in line telling me they found living room furniture they wanted to buy, and I was really excited for them, and my excitement was instantly "shut down" by them, by them telling me to "relax and calm down"!  Their attitude, the way they made me feel triggered me for sure, I got so upset I had to leave the store.  Life gets so sad, so sad to not have the love and support you expect and want from your family, your own children.

I do remember being on stage at Teal Swan's workshop, and her telling me when I got excited as a child it wasn't appreciated, and was shut down.  I don't remember this, but funny thing is, most times when I got excited when I was married, my ex did the same thing to me, told me to "relax", or whatever.  Shot down my passion, shot down my excitement, which I love about myself.  I love that I get excited, that I have love and passion for things, and that I care enough to get emotional about it.  

So, when my children reacted this way, it was a trigger for me from childhood, a trigger I should go back and see where it stems from.  The root of it from childhood, not the adult version of it now.  I was in a mode for months of realizing these triggers, going inside and figuring them out, but the past few months have forgotten this process, due to me being overwhelmed about moving and being without my children, and being alone.  I have been working through those feelings of loneliness, trying to see where they stem from.  
After leaving the furniture store, there was a TJ Maxx near by, so I stopped there, and took my mind off of my sadness and sense of rejection from them.  It did help, it always helps to change my focus.  Sometimes when we are too sad, it's more self loving to turn our attention to other things purposely, gain perspective by letting it go, then coming back to the issue isn't so bad.  
I wish I knew it all, I wish I had all the answers to this life, to the pain and struggle, sad and loneliness we go through.  For what?
Peace Out!

Moving Day ~ Bringing Things to my Brother's Garage

Namaste
Wow, today is moving day.  Woke up at 6:30 pretty nervous today.  Not hysterical crying that I am "loosing" my kids, thank the Universe for that, but just nervous for the enormous change occurring.  I still do not know where I will be living yet, my brother not getting back to me.  He is suppose to help me move today, so I will wait to see what happens today.  Maybe he didn't call back because he doesn't want me to stay with him, or maybe not.  He is one of my brothers that doesn't always get back to me, and that's okay, I know this about him and accept it.  For today, just for today, I am grateful it is a sunny day to move, and I have a place to store my furniture because my place fell through!  I am grateful my brother will come help and drive the truck, and my children are here to help.  I am grateful all of my "life belongings" will be in my brother's garage, close to me when I need it!

I went with my brother to get the truck, a 27' truck, just in case.  I have no idea to judge how much room I need for my things, so I decided to take the largest one they had.  When we got back to the house after getting the truck, I was surprised to see so much of our furniture already out on the front porch.  My daughters were in an excited, energetic mood, I was so happy and surprised to see this.  They all really worked hard, and we had the truck packed in an hour and a half.  My family was so helpful, nice and kind, no anger, attitude at all!  They all chipped in, up and down the stairs, pitching in to get it done.  What hard work it is and so very emotional.  Nervous, anxious, worried about all of my stuff being packed away and feeling like I will never see it again!  Ugh this  was truly a hard one, thank God for family and support!  

We got lunch along the way, and ate in the car ride down to South Jersey where my brother lives.  As I was driving down I had a beautiful sense of contentment, feeling ready for this new chapter in my life, knowing my life as a full time mother is completed.  I am happy, I am content, and even excited to see where this new road will take me.  Like I have said many times, I know I have so much work here to do to help raise the awareness, and vibration of everyone and anyone I come across!  Yes, lots of work ahead of me, work though which is love, a love for what I want to accomplish here on earth!  I was actually surprised by all of these emotions, being so calm and content.  I had myself so worked up a few days, I just assumed I would be hysterical crying about my feelings towards "loosing" my children!  But, it doesn't feel that way at all today.  I feel like a very proud mother who has raised her children the best she could with the tools and support she (which was zero!!)  It is such a beautiful, content feeling for now.  

After arriving at my brothers home, it only took us an hour to unload my life's savings!  I just organized everything, it was as if everything they brought into the garage was a baby, and I had to tell them where to put it, needing to know where everything was.  We truly do not realize all of the outside influences which affect who we are, our "identity".  It's crazy, I feel like all of these "things" are "me", my stuff, my things, who I am.  Of course this is not true, and I assume this is why the Buddhists teach "non attachment", I am assuming, not to "attach" ourselves to "things".  Why not?  Because who are we?  We are not our "things" for sure, we are pure light, pure bright awesome beings, here to shine our light so bright, here to manifest and create the life we want, here to be joyfully happy!!

My kids came to help unpack, but came in a separate car, so they left first.  I went with  my brother to return the truck, and saved money because the gentleman did not charge us for traveling expenses.  Thank you Universe for that.

Arriving back at the house was okay.  It surely was weird with the house mostly empty.  I will sleep here until Wednesday, the day the girls move into their own place!  I am truly happy for them, and when I focus on their happiness, it comforts me somewhat.  I will have plenty of time to concentrate on myself when they are gone, and I will be so sad.  I already am.  This is truly a hard one.
Love and Light to all!  

Things can Change in an Instant

Namaste
It seems as if the Universe wants to keep me guessing, because I found out yesterday the place I was going to live in fell through.  Okay, yes I cried, I was really excited about having my own space, a loving, healing space that people didn't want to leave.  I was excited about having family over for dinner, dinner parties, Angel Card Reading gatherings at my place, and so much more.  I guess it is not ready to happen yet.  I put total trust in the Universe now, to know, it will take me exactly where I should go, as long as I go with an open heart, one of non resistance, faith and trust.  I can do that, that is how I live my life now, finally, fluently going with the current, instead of against it.  Knowing I do not have all the answers, but I know what to focus on, and know I can manifest what I want, so that is what I work on.  Then, I let it go, and try to go along with it.  Yes, there are many times I have been in resistance to this, especially when I cry and am so disappointed about an outcome.  I did cry because I felt disappointed, and am still sad, but have faith to know I will end up right where I am suppose to.  That, in itself, is an amazing breakthrough for me.  To not go into a panic and worry mode, to just say. "Okay, it wasn't meant to be".  Easy, done, gone.
So, now new choices.  I still have to move all of my furniture out tomorrow, so I will follow the schedule as planned.  My brother is coming up in the morning to help me move and get the truck and drive it!  Him and my son will do all of the heavy work. and me and my daughters will move the boxes and bins.  Now that I have no where to stay, I need to store all of my stuff, and my brother offered me his garage, which I will take him up on.  
I called one of my brothers this morning to see if I could stay with him awhile until I find a place, I haven't heard back from him yet.  Oh boy, this is not fun waiting to see where I will be, what reality where, tomorrow.  It is not a good feeling to have your entire home "packed up", your life stuff, and not knowing where it is going to be, not knowing when I will be able to let it all out and see it and use it again.  It feels as if your entire "identity" is being put away somewhere, stored for now, and your left raw, alone, without any shelter physically and emotionally. 

 It's pretty crazy all of these emotions I am going through that were not there before, all because of this move.  I really can see now what a big transformation this will be for me also though.  My life is an open book now, a free slate, to do anything I want, and be anywhere I want to be.  It's about being excited to see where this new road will take me and end up.
I said if I end up living with someone then it is meant to be.  Maybe I am not ready to live alone just yet, maybe I need to bring love to one of my brothers if I end up living with someone, maybe I just need to relax mentally, emotionally, and physically right now, without any worries of having my own place right now.  Whatever the reason is, I know it will show itself eventually.  I may not have the answers yet about this move, but I know that everything is happening just the way it should, all for my highest good.  I know the answers will appear as I walk this path daily.  I am patient, and just want to know where I will be staying for awhile at this point, I will be happy with that.
I am starting to get pretty stressed now, and getting bad pain in my neck.  I think I will go lay down for awhile.  I don't like having my stuff not around me, my things, it's starting to upset me and make me panic, so I think I will go lay down, mediate and breathe! I will be in touch soon.
Namaste

My Shaman Appointment

Namaste

I went to the Shaman today, I didn't know what else to do, I was loosing it too much yesterday.  She said I will know when I need to come back, and I did.  She was so amazing, as usual.  She is such a loving, kind soul, who gave me so much information.

I told her how good I have been feeling this year, better than I have in ten years, and then bam, this is happening, my children moving out, and me moving on to a new place, and I can't stop crying knowing I will feel so disconnected and lonely.  She explained to pretend there were different levels, and I just advanced to another level.  And, in the start of that new level, there is major chaos, change, a way to restart.  Just great, just great.  So confusing to hear, at least there is some type of explanation in the way of growth.  When you are that sad, and that cut off from Source, it is so hard to find one little glare of light.  It all seems so dark, so dark when you are in that state of mind.  Fear, scared, closed heart, not an open heart.  That is where I have been the past few days.  "Restart", a new word my Spiritual Mentor just used.  Okay, this is good then, the Universe is pushing me to "restart".  Only to restart my entire life!  Wow, this is crazy.

I told her I am feeling so disconnected, severely disconnected, I can't take it.  I don't know how to get through it.  Then I told her about my feelings of being disconnected in the past, with my ex husband when I was divorced, my children, and people who have left me.  I get this intense feeling of my cord being cut, my energy supply being cut off, it's such an awful feeling, worse than feeling lonely.  She explained that it could be ancestral, which is really interesting, explaining my feelings shouldn't be this "intense", and they are.  There have been times in the past I have stayed in and cried for days, feeling so disconnected missing my children.  She explained that she can do a healing for me, and explained how the process works.  The ancestor did not pass over, and is pushing forward whatever issue that is going on in that family.  The cool thing is I do not have to do anything, she does it for you, and speaks to the ancestor's spirit and crosses them over.  The miracle is this heals every single family member involved, all of my family, my children, etc.  How amazing is this, and why isn't this spoken about more?  How easy, no work involved like everything else, someone else taking care of it for you, as simple and wonderful as asking the soul to move on, onto the light, onto a better place!  I will have her do this later on in the week.

She asked me if I have been calling in my guides daily to help me!  Oh boy, I forget sometimes.  She explained to do this first thing in the morning, every morning, either when I meditate or just in bed before I get up.  Wow, another thing I am suppose to remember to do daily, all day, is call upon my guides, have them near my side all day.  I will definitely remember to do this in the morning, each morning and night, and throughout the day.  

Then she had me do an exercise in the mirror, to tell myself "I love you", "I am worthy", "I forgive you", and "I am enough".  Boy, that was really tough, I cried over the I am enough, and I forgive you.  That is where my pain lies, I don't feel "enough" without my children, and I can't forgive myself for many past decisions I have made.  I will use this little exercise again in the future.  It was powerful to say these beautiful words in the mirror looking at yourself, and seeing your own reaction.

After that exercise she put me on the table, and connected me to my guides and Source.  She said my heart was pretty closed, and called upon my guides to help me with her drum and rattle.  I have always loved the drums, my brothers use to play around with them as children and I always loved them.  One of my favorite Mantras is, Krishna Das, "Om Nama Shivaya", I love the Native American drums.  They seem to vibrate deep inside your body, your bones, your DNA, all of it.   I listened intently to the music and allowed it to vibrate into my being, resonating with my soul.

That ended my session, and I was so grateful for her work, as I always am.  I am honored, she is honored, and we are both blessed with this meeting of love.  She asked how I felt, and I told her I didn't know yet, still sad from crying my eyes out.  

The rest of my day was still unsettling, cried tons all day on and off again.  Oh boy, this is getting pretty tough to deal with, I still need to get some stuff together and do not want to do a thing, and will not.  

My daughter was going out and changed her mind, I am glad I will not be alone tonight.  I am going to watch a movie with her, I am grateful she is here with me now.

Peace out 

Loosing it!

Oh my, my daughter broke down last night, it was so sad and emotional.  Moving stirs up old emotions I didn't even realize.  She started crying about how I had to give away too many animals, and her being the animal lover she is, it broke her heart every time, although she never said a thing.  So strong she is, she tries to be due to the disappointments in her life, and there are many.  To start with she couldn't sleep with me during the school week when we first got divorced and she was ten, and she cried and cried all night to be with me, and couldn't.  My poor child, why do we make these crazy decisions to come here and suffer this way?  No matter what answer I seem to hear, none is ever good enough.  
So, after her being so upset she didn't want to talk to me, that put me in a major frenzy!  I have been crying all day, so bad I can barely stop.  I was feeling so out of control, I wanted to get out of my skin!  So bad I feel, I don't know if I can truly get through this today, and each day this week as this is my last week here.  Here, being a full time Mother to my three amazing, wonderful children.  I can't stop crying, the pain is so unbearable, I don't know what to do.  I screamed to Teal and told her how stupid this stuff is, how awful and hard it is, and I want no part of it anymore.  Maybe if I didn't start changing, this wouldn't be happening and I would feel safe and secure still.  Home, here, with my children and not all alone!  No more seeing my daughters every morning with, "Good Morning", no more "Good Nights" either.  So sad, no more what do you want for dinner, oh my!  I screamed with terror, and cried deep within my heart.  Feeling so lonely, worse than lonely, it's that disconnection feeling I have gotten when I dig deep and try to find the "causation" of the feeling.  I feel disconnected from everyone, like a cord was ripped from my stomach, my umbilical cord.  Like I just got cut off from my energy supply.  I felt this way when this guy I knew for a year took off and I felt like my energy supply was cut off, disconnected.  Then I felt this way after my Divorce, and my children weren't allowed to sleep with me during the week.  Those years were very painful, I felt so disconnected for a very long time.  I would stay in and cry for days at a time, missing my children and feeling so disconnected.  All of these memories are coming up!  It's so not fair.  
When I search deeper for that feeling, I may have felt this before as an infant in another lifetime, and it still affects me now.  The pain is so bad, so unbearable, I don't know what to do.  I have laid on my daughter's bed all day, and it is comforting me.  Along with her 100 lb dog, Jake, a lab mix.  I love him so much, I will miss him dearly in my home each day because he comforts me when the girls leave for work and I am here, home, no longer!  Ugh, this is soooo hard, I bless everyone who has gotten through this.
 Last night in bed I remembered to tell her "I love you" all night in bed before falling asleep. I visualized holding her in my arms, rocking her back and forth, comforting her off to sleep.  I am so sad.  I helped break my children's hearts, there seems to be so much I did that I have regrets for.  So much, I could go on and on but I wont.  My daughters pain, brought out my pain, for all the mistakes I made as a Mother, blaming myself for everything, knowing what she said was so true.  Many times I did not make the smartest choice, with men and finances, and it really lead me on a tough road emotionally, financially and physically.  
It is all worth it for what?  That's all I want to know, how all of this suffering and pain is worth it!! 
I reached out to my Shaman, and she has an appointment for tomorrow morning.  Oh boy, that's great, this will truly help, I know it.  I don't really want to leave so early when I am so sad and crying, but I need it, so I will go.  
I will touch base after and let you know what happens.
Peace    

Not Happy with these Chages!

Namaste all Day
Oh boy, this has gotten harder as the time has gotten closer to go.  To go away from my home here, my life here, and my children here.  I have gotten so sad, been doing lots of crying, releasing, allowing it to come.  It has not been fun, but I know it is all a process.  A process I have to go through right now, a "Right of Passage", where one major moment sends you into an entirely different reality!  Ugh, today, its ugh!  It is not only about being alone because I am very independent and love to be alone when I am writing, reading, painting, drawing, etc.  But, I am also very social and love people, and love being a Mom, a role I no longer will hold in the same way.  I will never again be the Mother they have next to them every day.  I will no longer be the one they get to vent to daily in front of me, or let go into if need be.  I will no longer be able to cook them dinner any night I want, to call them and ask them when they will be home, to text them at 3:00 am and ask them where they are.  My role is done, gone, for now.
 Yes, of course I will always be their Mother, we will always have each other, but not in the same role at all, obviously.  Yes, I will get use to it, I have to, I have no choice but to.  But, I realize it is a process, I will be sad to have this part of my life end, end forever.  It saddens me so much that we were divorced, splitting up my family, and my children being taken away from me when they could not sleep at my home during the school year for a few years.  Yes, my ex husband did fight for custody, and somehow got his way, due to his connections in the Court, and due to how corrupt Bergen County is, Hackensack Court House.  But, that is way over with, but I still feel those feelings of loss and separation with my children during that time.  And then, I am suppose to go back even further with those feelings and see where they truly come from.  I felt very lonely and alone as a child in my house growing up, and felt very scared.  No one was ever there for me emotionally, and my brothers and I fought all the time, physical too, along with my parents who argued daily.  The house was filled with turmoil, and I ignored it all growing up.  Being very social helped me avoid my home, always hanging out in others homes when I could and even sleeping out all the time in High School.  But, as a young child I was stuck there, and tuned it all out.  Now I can remember the pain and sadness laying in bed wondering if my Mom was okay, but I do not have many memories as a child there.  So, I try to work through this feeling of loneliness and being disconnected from my children soon, too soon, like only nine days away!
Yes, sometimes I loose it and have a total breakdown, I will cry and cry, let it out, and comfort myself telling myself it will be okay, it is time.  It is time for them to move on, grow and spread their wings and fly.  I am so blessed to have had them an extra four years, as they did not go away to College.  I love them dearly and never, ever, thought the time would come for them to be grown up and on their own.  I actually didn't even think of it until last year when my daughter brought it up.  I cried for a month and seemed to have gotten over it then.  But, now it is happening, thanks to me also, encouraging them they can do this, they can manifest it if they want because that is how the Universe works.  And each time I came home from my Spiritual Event for the weekend, with a shift in my energy, I could see and just feel how unhappy they were still living with their "Mom".  I realized how much healthier it would be for them now to be on their own, that it is time.  So, we did it by thinking positive thoughts, and looking for a place they wanted to live in, and it happened for them!  So, I am truly excited to see them grow into young, mature, responsible woman, knowing they can do anything they want to!
For me, well, I am slower at accepting my new life for sure.  I am not going to be so happy about waking up alone, only worrying about me, and going to bed alone.  I love people, I am very social, I am one of seven children, when I was married I was close to my two sister in laws and we got together every day with our 11 children combined!  To say I have had my fill of people, and love, and arguing is an understatement.  But, I know how important it is to connect with your loved ones, and stay connected.  And now I do not currently have a job that I go to daily to stay connected to anyone.  So, I am feeling