Loosing it!

Oh my, my daughter broke down last night, it was so sad and emotional.  Moving stirs up old emotions I didn't even realize.  She started crying about how I had to give away too many animals, and her being the animal lover she is, it broke her heart every time, although she never said a thing.  So strong she is, she tries to be due to the disappointments in her life, and there are many.  To start with she couldn't sleep with me during the school week when we first got divorced and she was ten, and she cried and cried all night to be with me, and couldn't.  My poor child, why do we make these crazy decisions to come here and suffer this way?  No matter what answer I seem to hear, none is ever good enough.  
So, after her being so upset she didn't want to talk to me, that put me in a major frenzy!  I have been crying all day, so bad I can barely stop.  I was feeling so out of control, I wanted to get out of my skin!  So bad I feel, I don't know if I can truly get through this today, and each day this week as this is my last week here.  Here, being a full time Mother to my three amazing, wonderful children.  I can't stop crying, the pain is so unbearable, I don't know what to do.  I screamed to Teal and told her how stupid this stuff is, how awful and hard it is, and I want no part of it anymore.  Maybe if I didn't start changing, this wouldn't be happening and I would feel safe and secure still.  Home, here, with my children and not all alone!  No more seeing my daughters every morning with, "Good Morning", no more "Good Nights" either.  So sad, no more what do you want for dinner, oh my!  I screamed with terror, and cried deep within my heart.  Feeling so lonely, worse than lonely, it's that disconnection feeling I have gotten when I dig deep and try to find the "causation" of the feeling.  I feel disconnected from everyone, like a cord was ripped from my stomach, my umbilical cord.  Like I just got cut off from my energy supply.  I felt this way when this guy I knew for a year took off and I felt like my energy supply was cut off, disconnected.  Then I felt this way after my Divorce, and my children weren't allowed to sleep with me during the week.  Those years were very painful, I felt so disconnected for a very long time.  I would stay in and cry for days at a time, missing my children and feeling so disconnected.  All of these memories are coming up!  It's so not fair.  
When I search deeper for that feeling, I may have felt this before as an infant in another lifetime, and it still affects me now.  The pain is so bad, so unbearable, I don't know what to do.  I have laid on my daughter's bed all day, and it is comforting me.  Along with her 100 lb dog, Jake, a lab mix.  I love him so much, I will miss him dearly in my home each day because he comforts me when the girls leave for work and I am here, home, no longer!  Ugh, this is soooo hard, I bless everyone who has gotten through this.
 Last night in bed I remembered to tell her "I love you" all night in bed before falling asleep. I visualized holding her in my arms, rocking her back and forth, comforting her off to sleep.  I am so sad.  I helped break my children's hearts, there seems to be so much I did that I have regrets for.  So much, I could go on and on but I wont.  My daughters pain, brought out my pain, for all the mistakes I made as a Mother, blaming myself for everything, knowing what she said was so true.  Many times I did not make the smartest choice, with men and finances, and it really lead me on a tough road emotionally, financially and physically.  
It is all worth it for what?  That's all I want to know, how all of this suffering and pain is worth it!! 
I reached out to my Shaman, and she has an appointment for tomorrow morning.  Oh boy, that's great, this will truly help, I know it.  I don't really want to leave so early when I am so sad and crying, but I need it, so I will go.  
I will touch base after and let you know what happens.
Peace