Namaste all Day
Oh boy, this has gotten harder as the time has gotten closer to go. To go away from my home here, my life here, and my children here. I have gotten so sad, been doing lots of crying, releasing, allowing it to come. It has not been fun, but I know it is all a process. A process I have to go through right now, a "Right of Passage", where one major moment sends you into an entirely different reality! Ugh, today, its ugh! It is not only about being alone because I am very independent and love to be alone when I am writing, reading, painting, drawing, etc. But, I am also very social and love people, and love being a Mom, a role I no longer will hold in the same way. I will never again be the Mother they have next to them every day. I will no longer be the one they get to vent to daily in front of me, or let go into if need be. I will no longer be able to cook them dinner any night I want, to call them and ask them when they will be home, to text them at 3:00 am and ask them where they are. My role is done, gone, for now.
Yes, of course I will always be their Mother, we will always have each other, but not in the same role at all, obviously. Yes, I will get use to it, I have to, I have no choice but to. But, I realize it is a process, I will be sad to have this part of my life end, end forever. It saddens me so much that we were divorced, splitting up my family, and my children being taken away from me when they could not sleep at my home during the school year for a few years. Yes, my ex husband did fight for custody, and somehow got his way, due to his connections in the Court, and due to how corrupt Bergen County is, Hackensack Court House. But, that is way over with, but I still feel those feelings of loss and separation with my children during that time. And then, I am suppose to go back even further with those feelings and see where they truly come from. I felt very lonely and alone as a child in my house growing up, and felt very scared. No one was ever there for me emotionally, and my brothers and I fought all the time, physical too, along with my parents who argued daily. The house was filled with turmoil, and I ignored it all growing up. Being very social helped me avoid my home, always hanging out in others homes when I could and even sleeping out all the time in High School. But, as a young child I was stuck there, and tuned it all out. Now I can remember the pain and sadness laying in bed wondering if my Mom was okay, but I do not have many memories as a child there. So, I try to work through this feeling of loneliness and being disconnected from my children soon, too soon, like only nine days away!
Yes, sometimes I loose it and have a total breakdown, I will cry and cry, let it out, and comfort myself telling myself it will be okay, it is time. It is time for them to move on, grow and spread their wings and fly. I am so blessed to have had them an extra four years, as they did not go away to College. I love them dearly and never, ever, thought the time would come for them to be grown up and on their own. I actually didn't even think of it until last year when my daughter brought it up. I cried for a month and seemed to have gotten over it then. But, now it is happening, thanks to me also, encouraging them they can do this, they can manifest it if they want because that is how the Universe works. And each time I came home from my Spiritual Event for the weekend, with a shift in my energy, I could see and just feel how unhappy they were still living with their "Mom". I realized how much healthier it would be for them now to be on their own, that it is time. So, we did it by thinking positive thoughts, and looking for a place they wanted to live in, and it happened for them! So, I am truly excited to see them grow into young, mature, responsible woman, knowing they can do anything they want to!
For me, well, I am slower at accepting my new life for sure. I am not going to be so happy about waking up alone, only worrying about me, and going to bed alone. I love people, I am very social, I am one of seven children, when I was married I was close to my two sister in laws and we got together every day with our 11 children combined! To say I have had my fill of people, and love, and arguing is an understatement. But, I know how important it is to connect with your loved ones, and stay connected. And now I do not currently have a job that I go to daily to stay connected to anyone. So, I am feeling
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