Woke up pretty tired and achy today, exhausted like I am not connected to source energy at all. I realize my low thyroid could be part of the problem, as I haven't had my medication for well over six months. I stopped because I do not enjoy taking any type of medication, and could not bear to go back to that Clinic. The Clinic was so depressing, I don't know how I did it for years. What a way to feel low and down, with all the people around you sad and sick. I would be there for three hours each time I went, and the pain and suffering of others was so depressing to me. Sitting for hours, in such a sad space, is so draining and depressing, it would leave me sad all day. That stuff sits with you somehow, and stays with you, the sadness, and how some of the workers treat you and don't even care. The entire atmosphere is depressing, dark, not a place I ever want to go back to!
There are other ways I can treat my thyroid, which I will do as soon as the funds come in. Edgar Cayce makes a formula for your thyroid, and I have information about a liquid mineral to buy that should help as well. I am very low in minerals, especially magnesium, potassium, and selenium.
But, I still put some more stuff away, wanting to get rid of every box in the house! I am so tired of seeing boxes. I probably have too many small knicknacks, angels, and pictures in frames, but I even gave many away. But, each time I grabbed a new item from the box which was wrapped in paper, it was like receiving a new gift, wondering what it was! More crystals, more angels, candle holders, and frames, so much fun. Now the Bedroom looks so different with all of my lovely things sitting new on the two dressers I have.
Last night, before going to bed, I decided to take out some art and draw! It felt awesome to sit on my own carpet and be creative, I didn't want to stop! The sun and flowers were created on paper, and it was fun! I drew in chalk big purple flowers, near a large yellow sun. I started using colored chalk awhile ago, because you see instant results on paper, and it gave me great pleasure to be able to create a piece of artwork very fast! It is so much fun, takes me out of the life here, this reality, and brings me to a totally different place. One of love, creativity, being in the moment, relaxing, and enjoying myself. No worries about being in pain, physical or emotional, no worries about money, about no one helping me, etc. Just nice and Zen.
I was upset again today, crying in pain, and crying about my friends not being there for me. Yes, it still upsets me, especially when I feel so much pain in my body, I realize I do not have the support I need and want from others now. So, that means to look at my loved ones again, and see if I am giving too much energy to them and not receiving enough. Well, like I said, I do not have many people in my life who seem to care about supporting me here, and being there for me when I need it. And, that means to be with my physically, not only on the phone which is so easy to do, but to be with me, near me, next to me when I need it. Those people seem to be far and few between. And, when I realize I am always the one calling my friends, and I stop, the calls barely come in. I am tired of reaching out to everyone, being there for them, for years, and it not being reciprocated. When I look at their lives, I do see how intense their own lives are, busy, and how stressed they are, so I get it. But, moving is a major deal, there could never be enough people, and it has always just been my kids and my one brother helping me out. No one helping me pack up the large four bedroom home I was just in, no one helping me unpack here, pretty sad if you ask me. Guess it's a wake up call, like I said, to re evaluate who I give my energy to, and make a call to the Universe to send me friends who want to be there for me, and can be there for me and support me.
My daughters even stayed away this time, never giving me a reason why. Yes, it was hurtful, but I realize how much they are going through with their Dad right now, so I understand and try not to take it personal. I will still ask them what happened, why they did not want to help. Moving brings up so many memories, it is physically and emotionally challenging and intense, so I understand. But, at the same time, they stayed home the day of the Super Bowl alone, didn't invite me over, nor did they offer to help me unpack.
They didn't even ask If I needed help, I still have so much to do, alone. No support. Yes, things like that do hurt. They weren't very excited for me to finally have my own place, after my journey to get here, as I was excited for them. I have seen a big change in them the last few weeks, very pulled back, especially my oldest. She is going through a lot, and can't even talk to her about it because she doesn't want my help. It's really sad because I see her getting further and further away, and may never come back. She has changed into a totally different person, less compassionate, less caring, more distant. Even when you are with her she is not in the moment, she's worried about her phone, or upstairs in her room when I would visit.
Do I see what is going on here? My life is changing drastically due to this new move, and I am pushing the people out of my life that do not serve me. The people I feel are draining me, and I am giving too much energy to, and it not being reciprocated. I am sad, hurt, and upset, but I know I will get through this once in for all, and shine my light so bright, as I tell others to do! And I have a feeling it will be very soon, and then I can stop caring for children as I do, because I am becoming drained again giving to others as I have no more to give, I need to give it to myself first! Yes, I love my children dearly, but yes, I am hurt by them now. I even invited the girls over for homemade soup yesterday that I made, and they did not even answer my text! So, wake up call! No more reaching out to them, wait for them to reach out. And maybe, pull away somewhat and not always be there for them.
I am going to take a bathe now, and get to the store to buy some huge plants I saw for only $12!! I bought one and it transformed my apartment already, and I realize they are my friends, and I need them! Then, I will have to get to work. It was awesome to have a day off yesterday, I am already realizing being here, I have so much more to give, so much more to do for the entire world, and totally cutting myself short settling with Nanny work! Both of my bosses work from home, while I take care of their children, and now, I need to be the one sitting at my computer at home, and bringing in mucho financial abundance through my writing!
Monday, February 23, 2015
Monday, February 16, 2015
Third Day in My New Place
I woke up pretty sick today, had a fever through the night and have a sore throat and stomach ache. I text my boss to tell him how I felt and that I would not be into work today. They have been sick in their house a few times already since I have been there, so I bet I picked something up from them and they will understand. He was so very cool about it and told me to take care of myself! I thought that was so sweet. They are very nice, cool parents and I truly enjoy working for them. The kids are great too, very easy, self sufficient and busy!
I woke up in tears feeling so bad, and being in so much pain, and looking at all the work I still have to do here to set my place up. I started crying realizing I really do not have any friends who are there for me when I need them. Where were my loved ones during this move? My sister in law that I have been close to for over thirty years did not even offer to help me pack my home up in November, and she knew how emotional it was for me as well. She also didn't even offer to help me unpack and set up my place this time either. I am truly hurt, realizing she is not there for me in the way I want a friend to be, the way I have been there for her. Friends offer to help you, you shouldn't even have to ask when it comes to moving. It is soooo much work, and such a big deal, all the support you have the better. It is not only physically draining, but emotionally too, and now I am alone doing this, no children, no husband just me. Do you think my loved ones cared enough to realize this and help me? I know how busy and wrapped up everyone else is in their own life, but at times like this I believe in chipping in, and showing love and support. I did not get that from many of my sister in laws, nor my friends, and I am hurt and disappointed. I had no idea I felt this way until I woke up so sick and in so much pain again, realizing how I am doing this all alone, all alone because I really have no one in my life who offered to help me unpack, except my son. Am I expecting too much from my loved ones?
I think I want and need new friends. I think I am so tired of always giving to these "friends", always giving them positive support, always being the one to call them first and reach out. I am tired of giving all of my energy away and getting none back. The pain I am in is so sad, and I feel I do not even have one friend who could be there to help me. I think everyone is going through their own thing, feeling overwhelmed with life, so I understand, but it leaves me feeling unsupported. My daughters did not even offer to come and help me unpack, set up, or clean up. Just my son was here to help put away the boxes, he saw I was alone, and felt badly, and helped so much! I only have my two brothers who helped, and of course my niece who helped this time along with her awesome boyfriend. He is not even family yet, not even a brother of mine, and he offered to help. There must be a reason I do not let others in, a reason I do not have the support I want, always thinking in the past I can do it all myself. But, that attitude I changed years ago, realizing I want and need help from others, it is no fun doing it all alone anyway! My one brother never helps me move, but helped my sister in laws sister in moving, but didn't even reach out to help me.
Now, the small problem is I invited my two sister in laws and my one friend to dinner Saturday night for my birthday. I have never gone out with them for my birthday, as I always am just with my kids. But, this year, when I asked myself what I would love to do for my birthday, I thought I would love to go to dinner with some girls, along with my daughters. And now, I do not even want to be with them so quickly after feeling this way now. I will have to figure out what to do, how would I cancel nicely? How do I tell them I am hurt and feeling unsupported by them? This is a tough one, I do not want to hurt anyone, but at the same time, I need to be true to myself. No more staying quiet for their sake, to protect them. What about me? What about what I expect from a friendship? I am realizing what I expect and how I am not receiving it. I will always love them and be their friend, but need to pull far back, not call them and let them call me, and find other friends!!
My son is coming over today to bring the last of my things in his car, and take the last stuff out of mine. Thank the Lord for him this time, he is the only one of my kids there for me during this move. Not only did he help me move some last minute things, but he even helped me do my bedroom. He helped motivate me so much, the place was trashed again as we took more bins and boxes out. My son kept saying that he wanted to help me organize the place and put it together so I can feel better. He has been so sweet and supportive of me the last few days, also realizing how disappointing it is the girls did not even offer to help at all. They are settled and is that all that matters now? I know they are drained from helping, but that is what family does,helps when needed. Not when you feel like it, no, when you are needed. I can't figure out where they are coming from, I am not crying about it either, just disappointed and confused.
We went through my bedroom, and organized that. My son tightened my kitchen table better, moved a dresser, hung a mirror, put my headboard and footboard on my bed, and totally helped me get it all together. I do not know what I would have done without him here now. I am grateful for him so much, and all three of my children. Although I am upset with my daughters now, they are so loved and supported by me always. I am always sending everyone love and light in bed each night. I envision a ray of light from the sun above, that moves through my body, out of my heart, into their hearts, all of them I send light to, my children, my ex, his mom, and my other little girl!!
I woke up in tears feeling so bad, and being in so much pain, and looking at all the work I still have to do here to set my place up. I started crying realizing I really do not have any friends who are there for me when I need them. Where were my loved ones during this move? My sister in law that I have been close to for over thirty years did not even offer to help me pack my home up in November, and she knew how emotional it was for me as well. She also didn't even offer to help me unpack and set up my place this time either. I am truly hurt, realizing she is not there for me in the way I want a friend to be, the way I have been there for her. Friends offer to help you, you shouldn't even have to ask when it comes to moving. It is soooo much work, and such a big deal, all the support you have the better. It is not only physically draining, but emotionally too, and now I am alone doing this, no children, no husband just me. Do you think my loved ones cared enough to realize this and help me? I know how busy and wrapped up everyone else is in their own life, but at times like this I believe in chipping in, and showing love and support. I did not get that from many of my sister in laws, nor my friends, and I am hurt and disappointed. I had no idea I felt this way until I woke up so sick and in so much pain again, realizing how I am doing this all alone, all alone because I really have no one in my life who offered to help me unpack, except my son. Am I expecting too much from my loved ones?
I think I want and need new friends. I think I am so tired of always giving to these "friends", always giving them positive support, always being the one to call them first and reach out. I am tired of giving all of my energy away and getting none back. The pain I am in is so sad, and I feel I do not even have one friend who could be there to help me. I think everyone is going through their own thing, feeling overwhelmed with life, so I understand, but it leaves me feeling unsupported. My daughters did not even offer to come and help me unpack, set up, or clean up. Just my son was here to help put away the boxes, he saw I was alone, and felt badly, and helped so much! I only have my two brothers who helped, and of course my niece who helped this time along with her awesome boyfriend. He is not even family yet, not even a brother of mine, and he offered to help. There must be a reason I do not let others in, a reason I do not have the support I want, always thinking in the past I can do it all myself. But, that attitude I changed years ago, realizing I want and need help from others, it is no fun doing it all alone anyway! My one brother never helps me move, but helped my sister in laws sister in moving, but didn't even reach out to help me.
Now, the small problem is I invited my two sister in laws and my one friend to dinner Saturday night for my birthday. I have never gone out with them for my birthday, as I always am just with my kids. But, this year, when I asked myself what I would love to do for my birthday, I thought I would love to go to dinner with some girls, along with my daughters. And now, I do not even want to be with them so quickly after feeling this way now. I will have to figure out what to do, how would I cancel nicely? How do I tell them I am hurt and feeling unsupported by them? This is a tough one, I do not want to hurt anyone, but at the same time, I need to be true to myself. No more staying quiet for their sake, to protect them. What about me? What about what I expect from a friendship? I am realizing what I expect and how I am not receiving it. I will always love them and be their friend, but need to pull far back, not call them and let them call me, and find other friends!!
My son is coming over today to bring the last of my things in his car, and take the last stuff out of mine. Thank the Lord for him this time, he is the only one of my kids there for me during this move. Not only did he help me move some last minute things, but he even helped me do my bedroom. He helped motivate me so much, the place was trashed again as we took more bins and boxes out. My son kept saying that he wanted to help me organize the place and put it together so I can feel better. He has been so sweet and supportive of me the last few days, also realizing how disappointing it is the girls did not even offer to help at all. They are settled and is that all that matters now? I know they are drained from helping, but that is what family does,helps when needed. Not when you feel like it, no, when you are needed. I can't figure out where they are coming from, I am not crying about it either, just disappointed and confused.
We went through my bedroom, and organized that. My son tightened my kitchen table better, moved a dresser, hung a mirror, put my headboard and footboard on my bed, and totally helped me get it all together. I do not know what I would have done without him here now. I am grateful for him so much, and all three of my children. Although I am upset with my daughters now, they are so loved and supported by me always. I am always sending everyone love and light in bed each night. I envision a ray of light from the sun above, that moves through my body, out of my heart, into their hearts, all of them I send light to, my children, my ex, his mom, and my other little girl!!
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Monday Morning Snow Storm! Fun!
I woke up today with the snow falling in my new place, yay! I have such joy in my heart, It feels amazing to be here, in my own loving space. It is snowing outside, and the kids do not have school, so I thought I would be off. I am so very happy today, so content in my heart, a feeling I have not had for awhile. I am going to enjoy the day, and make a pot of soup. I am glad I ran to the store quickly yesterday to get a few things for the fridge, since I have not gone food shopping yet.
My girlfriend just called, and I spoke to her for awhile, she has been with me all along, and is as thrilled as I am for me to be in. She is waiting to move as well, waiting for a new home to be finished on the lagoon, her brothers home which was damaged in the Sandy Storm. Instead of being thrilled to have a brand new home to go to, on the water to see the sunset every night, along with free rent, she is stressed about it. I can not judge her though, her and her family pretty much live in the state of worry, and focus on what can go wrong, and so it is. She is very reserved about that with me, because she knows how I feel, that your life is filled with what you focus on, but she is still stressed. It is funny how we compare all the time, which really isn't very fair, as each one of us has different feelings, emotions, and opinions about things.
As I sat down to start writing, my boss text me and wanted me to come in! The children had no school, and both parents work from home. It is pretty bad out, but I always feel badly not helping others out if I can. So, I looked outside, the snow had stopped, and the roads were plowed. I forgot to discuss snow days with my new boss, as my other job I did not go into work when the schools were closed for the snow, and was paid for it. I do not think anyone should be driving on the roads when there is snow and they are bad, and do not want to go anywhere in this weather. So, I do not know why I even agreed to go in. I should have said it is too nasty out for me to drive, and I will make sure I do that next time. I was really bummed I agreed to go in, because I do not like to drive in the snow and always stay in the first day when the kids do not have school. I let myself down, abandoning myself, by going against my own belief, just to please them. I will make sure I will not do this again, when the Schools are closed for snow, I will stay home.
Not only did I go in early to work, I stayed until 7:30. My goal was to leave by 5:00, before it gets dark. The kids attend a math school once a week, and this is the day, and I took them. The daughter still was going to Taekwando, and I usually take her and drop her off, and her Dad picks her up. But, her Dad asked me to pick her up today. The reason I do not mind is because I need the money, but it was so very cold, freezing, snowy streets, and I was cold and wanted to get home.
I got home at 8:30, and as soon as I walked in the door, a friend of mine through Teal called! Wow, it was such a pleasure to speak with him, and I was so touched he called. We talked for an hour and a half! It felt like five minutes. I was exhausted, can't do anything else here in cleaning up, so off to bed I am going.
Good Nite!
My girlfriend just called, and I spoke to her for awhile, she has been with me all along, and is as thrilled as I am for me to be in. She is waiting to move as well, waiting for a new home to be finished on the lagoon, her brothers home which was damaged in the Sandy Storm. Instead of being thrilled to have a brand new home to go to, on the water to see the sunset every night, along with free rent, she is stressed about it. I can not judge her though, her and her family pretty much live in the state of worry, and focus on what can go wrong, and so it is. She is very reserved about that with me, because she knows how I feel, that your life is filled with what you focus on, but she is still stressed. It is funny how we compare all the time, which really isn't very fair, as each one of us has different feelings, emotions, and opinions about things.
As I sat down to start writing, my boss text me and wanted me to come in! The children had no school, and both parents work from home. It is pretty bad out, but I always feel badly not helping others out if I can. So, I looked outside, the snow had stopped, and the roads were plowed. I forgot to discuss snow days with my new boss, as my other job I did not go into work when the schools were closed for the snow, and was paid for it. I do not think anyone should be driving on the roads when there is snow and they are bad, and do not want to go anywhere in this weather. So, I do not know why I even agreed to go in. I should have said it is too nasty out for me to drive, and I will make sure I do that next time. I was really bummed I agreed to go in, because I do not like to drive in the snow and always stay in the first day when the kids do not have school. I let myself down, abandoning myself, by going against my own belief, just to please them. I will make sure I will not do this again, when the Schools are closed for snow, I will stay home.
Not only did I go in early to work, I stayed until 7:30. My goal was to leave by 5:00, before it gets dark. The kids attend a math school once a week, and this is the day, and I took them. The daughter still was going to Taekwando, and I usually take her and drop her off, and her Dad picks her up. But, her Dad asked me to pick her up today. The reason I do not mind is because I need the money, but it was so very cold, freezing, snowy streets, and I was cold and wanted to get home.
I got home at 8:30, and as soon as I walked in the door, a friend of mine through Teal called! Wow, it was such a pleasure to speak with him, and I was so touched he called. We talked for an hour and a half! It felt like five minutes. I was exhausted, can't do anything else here in cleaning up, so off to bed I am going.
Good Nite!
Waking up for the First Time in My New Home!
As I got into bed last night with a huge smile on my face, I was so
excited like I use to get as a kid and couldn't sleep all night. As I
laid in bed, instantly my body was in so much pain I could not even turn from
side to side. The intense pain and ache was like I have never felt before, it's totally crazy what happens to my body when I work it too hard.
But, this time I did not care, being so happy to have a new
home! I awoke at 7:00 am, and went straight to unpacking. I made
some breakfast for myself around 11:00, telling myself this was my first
breakfast in my new home, and savored that moment. But, only after a few
spoonfuls, did I have to get up and unpack more. The apartment was a
mess, boxes and bins everywhere. I worked the entire day by myself,
unpacking, while my children and everyone else watched the Super Bowl. The day truly blinked away, working non stop the entire day, ignoring my body in pain. I
would have liked to have seen the Super Bowl, as I love football. My ex husband was a football player in College, and even tried out for the Jets. But I had no where to go, and assumed my daughters
were going somewhere to watch the game like they said. Neither of them
called me all day, and I had to unpack alone.
I will tell you it is so
much work moving. I suggest if you ever have a friend, or family, who is
moving, to absolutely help them if you can. It is one of the biggest
treasures to have people in your life, who will be there for you when you truly
need it. And not only being there by a phone call, but being there physically when you really need it. When I know a loved one needs help, I ask if there is any way I can help. I do this automatically to all of my loved ones. But, now I see this is not reciprocated, and I think I will need to re evaluate who I give my energy to. It is obvious who was there for me this time, not my daughters, nor my family members I have know for years. I have brothers who have helped their own children, and even my sister in laws sister, but couldn't even help his own sister. I received grief from his wife when I moved ten years ago, telling me never to ask him again, but he has moved many other family members since then, but not me. No, it was just my son, my one niece, and her boyfriend, and my one brother.
My other brother always helps, but he had plans, and I did not want him
to cancel them for me, so he did not. Pretty sad when you have six brothers,
sister in laws, and lots of nieces and nephews, but none of them offered to
help. Pretty sad when you thought you were close to them and they were
there for you! I always offer for any help my family needs, but that will have to stop now, I am sad, disappointed, and feeling pretty unsupported here.
I am exhausted, I do not know how I even get that adrenaline and push myself, but I do. I do not know how I moved all day yesterday, carrying boxes, bins, moving furniture, running up and down the stairs in this move! But, I did, and it is done, I am in, just have to finish organizing everything. With all the work I did today, there is still so much left to do, I did not even touch my bedroom. The place is somewhat organized, more than it was, but it looks like there is still so much to do. The floors are also filthy that I still have to wash, because of the snow, we tracked in a mess! I don't mind of course, there just still seems like so much left to do.
When I went to clean the bathroom, I realized how filthy it was, with hair everywhere, so they did not even have it cleaned before I moved in. This is not acceptable, after what I had to do to get the apartment, pay a realtor fee, and meet with the landlords. I do not understand how this happens, it is fairly easy to get someone to clean the apartment if they did not want to, but it needs to be done!
It is only 9:00, but I am exhausted, so I am going to bed! Good Night, sleep tight~sweet dreams, don't let the bed bugs bite!! Boy, is this going to be fun! It feels better to be here than I even thought it would! To be able to walk to the bathroom in my undies, to be able to do whatever I want with no one around, to be able to sit on my couch and make tea in my kitchen, are simple pleasures that bring such joy to my heart already! Wow, I can't wait to see what the future will bring!
Moving Day Again!
Moving day again, yes this is crazy. I woke up to my friend calling me to see how excited I was feeling. Well, up until yesterday I was still short $100 for the truck rental! Somehow my daughter came through, and gave me the few hundred dollars she owes me from a vacation her and her sister took last year. I wish I could have said you don't have to pay me back, but I truly needed it. Who else in the world would wait until the day before they were moving to come up with all the funds? That is why my emotions have gone both ways, one of being excited, and then of worry regarding the funds.
I woke up in so much pain. My son and I packed his car and my car yesterday, with my things from this room. Wow, I have no idea how I even lived here a few weeks, and to think I was going to stay a few months. I am so glad I got so freaked out and would not accept living there, because that is what pushed me to move ahead, to move forward and get out!
So, here goes a day of moving all of my things out of my brothers garage! My brother was busy all weekend, and Sunday is the Super Bowl as well, so it left Saturday to move. My lovely niece came through for me, along with her boyfriend. She offered when she found out I had no help and I wanted to move in this weekend. I realize I did this last minute, and can not expect all the help I want, but on the other hand, this is when you know who is truly there for you. Moving is one of the hardest things I have ever done, physically and emotionally, and I have done my share of both. Even if you are excited as I am, it is exhausting. My children are always there for me, along with my one brother, but none of them could help this time. I am not sure what is going on with my daughters, although I feel it is emotional for them, too draining for them to handle right now, when their other home with their Father, is in such turmoil. I feel really bad about the situation there, and it breaks my heart, especially because of that little girl I love and feel so connected to. For her, and my ex, to be going through what they are really saddens me, and that is why I am sending them light all the time.
I got to my brothers by 12:30, we got the truck and started packing. So it was only me, my niece, her boyfriend and my oldest brother who is not very strong. After starting I realized how amazing my children are at moving, packing the truck and carrying the heavy things! I didn't even realize it, moving so many times. No one seemed to know how to pack the truck, packing it only half way up! It was frustrating as I was trying to decide what to take, I knew I couldn't take everything because I am going from a large four bedroom home, to a one bedroom apartment. I picked up, moved and carried so many boxes it was crazy. When I move with my children they know the pain I am in, how much it gets worse, and worry about me telling me not to pick up a thing! They have been so thoughtful about that with me the past few years. Even shoveling snow all last year, my kids did most of it, knowing I couldn't do it all with the pain I have.
After the truck was half way full, I had to go inside, and stack the boxes up higher to the ceiling. My niece brought her two boys, and as much as they wanted to help, it was hard because they were too young, only being five and seven years old! They were a distraction to me, asking me so many questions, and interrupting us when we were talking. They are use to having all of the attention, but this was just not the correct time. I even had to tell them to please not ask me any questions, as I had to concentrate on moving and what items to take. The truck finally got packed, and we were on our way to my new home, and I was so excited! I get this super adrenaline kicking in and just do not stop.
When we arrived, we carried so many boxes it was crazy, and used the hand truck as well. It took us hours to move, it was starting to get cold and dark. None of us were happy, we were exhausted, and the kids wore bored as soon as we got to my home. After hours of unpacking, we had to leave boxes at the bottom of my steps, for my son to carry up when he arrived after work. We left one dresser for him to help move, because it was too hard for us after already moving one in. Thanks to my niece, we stuffed my love seat up the steps, and through the door, and it only got through due to shear determination.
After an hour or two of darkness, we were finished and my niece and her boyfriend left. My son finished, and then he left, and I was left alone with a disaster, with boxes everywhere and an entire mess! I was so excited to be in, that I stayed up until 1:30 to unpack, and when I hit the bed my body ached so badly, I cried and could not move!!
I woke up in so much pain. My son and I packed his car and my car yesterday, with my things from this room. Wow, I have no idea how I even lived here a few weeks, and to think I was going to stay a few months. I am so glad I got so freaked out and would not accept living there, because that is what pushed me to move ahead, to move forward and get out!
So, here goes a day of moving all of my things out of my brothers garage! My brother was busy all weekend, and Sunday is the Super Bowl as well, so it left Saturday to move. My lovely niece came through for me, along with her boyfriend. She offered when she found out I had no help and I wanted to move in this weekend. I realize I did this last minute, and can not expect all the help I want, but on the other hand, this is when you know who is truly there for you. Moving is one of the hardest things I have ever done, physically and emotionally, and I have done my share of both. Even if you are excited as I am, it is exhausting. My children are always there for me, along with my one brother, but none of them could help this time. I am not sure what is going on with my daughters, although I feel it is emotional for them, too draining for them to handle right now, when their other home with their Father, is in such turmoil. I feel really bad about the situation there, and it breaks my heart, especially because of that little girl I love and feel so connected to. For her, and my ex, to be going through what they are really saddens me, and that is why I am sending them light all the time.
I got to my brothers by 12:30, we got the truck and started packing. So it was only me, my niece, her boyfriend and my oldest brother who is not very strong. After starting I realized how amazing my children are at moving, packing the truck and carrying the heavy things! I didn't even realize it, moving so many times. No one seemed to know how to pack the truck, packing it only half way up! It was frustrating as I was trying to decide what to take, I knew I couldn't take everything because I am going from a large four bedroom home, to a one bedroom apartment. I picked up, moved and carried so many boxes it was crazy. When I move with my children they know the pain I am in, how much it gets worse, and worry about me telling me not to pick up a thing! They have been so thoughtful about that with me the past few years. Even shoveling snow all last year, my kids did most of it, knowing I couldn't do it all with the pain I have.
After the truck was half way full, I had to go inside, and stack the boxes up higher to the ceiling. My niece brought her two boys, and as much as they wanted to help, it was hard because they were too young, only being five and seven years old! They were a distraction to me, asking me so many questions, and interrupting us when we were talking. They are use to having all of the attention, but this was just not the correct time. I even had to tell them to please not ask me any questions, as I had to concentrate on moving and what items to take. The truck finally got packed, and we were on our way to my new home, and I was so excited! I get this super adrenaline kicking in and just do not stop.
When we arrived, we carried so many boxes it was crazy, and used the hand truck as well. It took us hours to move, it was starting to get cold and dark. None of us were happy, we were exhausted, and the kids wore bored as soon as we got to my home. After hours of unpacking, we had to leave boxes at the bottom of my steps, for my son to carry up when he arrived after work. We left one dresser for him to help move, because it was too hard for us after already moving one in. Thanks to my niece, we stuffed my love seat up the steps, and through the door, and it only got through due to shear determination.
After an hour or two of darkness, we were finished and my niece and her boyfriend left. My son finished, and then he left, and I was left alone with a disaster, with boxes everywhere and an entire mess! I was so excited to be in, that I stayed up until 1:30 to unpack, and when I hit the bed my body ached so badly, I cried and could not move!!
Waking up Feeling so Stressed and in Pain
I totally realize so much a part of my serious pain, the type when I vomit, is due to financial worries as well. I laid in bed all night worrying about how I am going to manifest the money to move out, and move into this apartment I found. My goal was to put out to the Universe what I wanted, and allow the Universe to show me "how". The how we do not have to worry about, supposedly, and what we focus on and create should just happen! Ha, I know, it is a lot to believe 100%. I start on that path of believing, and then seems like I detour here and there. But to be in the state of worry and fear, I know will stop the flow of source energy running through me, and will bring me what I want due to the power of attraction. No, I want this apartment, I need to have a home to call my own now, not another month or two away. That is why I started this because I can not accept living this way, in a room with not even my own bed or furniture in it. Yes, I want my own home, and the Universe will provide it for me.
I grabbed some ice and laid back in bed and put the ice pack on my neck, even though heat always sounds better! The ice seems to calm my pain down somewhat when it is this bad, and relaxes the muscles.
I called two of my brothers that offered to buy a mobile home for me to live in in November, to see if they could lend me the money for the security deposit and realtor fee for the apartment. Both of them said no. Well actually the one said he had no more money left as business isn't doing so well and he just spent money on his house. The other one never gave me an answer, and when I called him back to check in, he ignored my call and never phoned me back!
My two other brothers who barely have the money, but always seem to be there for me offered to help! And I cried, receiving the love. Living like this has been horrible, I can not even see a reason to live having to live this way. With the pain in my body, and not even my own bed, boy I really did it to myself this time. I suppose I needed this terrible contrast to see what I truly wanted and needed, my own home. Not living with my brother, or anyone else. But me, by myself, and loving it for now.
My two other brothers who barely have the money, but always seem to be there for me offered to help! And I cried, receiving the love. Living like this has been horrible, I can not even see a reason to live having to live this way. With the pain in my body, and not even my own bed, boy I really did it to myself this time. I suppose I needed this terrible contrast to see what I truly wanted and needed, my own home. Not living with my brother, or anyone else. But me, by myself, and loving it for now.
My Last Nite in this Room I Rented!
Wow, this is awesome and amazing!
My son came by today to help me pack the cars with my stuff from this room! Because in the morning I am leaving here, never to be here again, and going to my new HOME! Nothing could make me happier right now, and it is just in time for my Birthday. It is the best present for myself right now, next year it will be my home on the beach. My son is such a great help, and it is always nice hanging out with him, as we always have a nice time, and he opens up to me about things. This time we spoke about his Father again, and I am just very sad. Sad about the situation in his home, things I won't discuss, but I need to try to help somehow. This could be tricky, but there may be a way. In the meantime, I will send him Soul Light all night while I am in bed. Along with everyone else I do! Prayers, love, and light, always help the situation for sure. I envision myself holding him up to the huge light, the Sun's Soul's light! Holding him in love and light, healing his body, along with his daughter.
We packed things in my son's truck, and he will bring it to me tomorrow when he gets out of work. Wow, I can't even imagine him visiting me somewhere else! In my own place! It has been three months since I have not had my own home, and it has been truly depressing. I don't know how I got out of this, but thank the Universe for the help. I cried for weeks at my brothers because I missed my daughters so much, and I was not wanted there and felt it. My brother didn't even say hello to me and ask me how I was doing! Ugh!!
So, this is my last night here, in this room I rented only a month ago. It is awesome how things happened so fast for me, I can see that now. Once I decided to move back up North, I found a job and a room for rent the same day. I didn't want to ever have to commute, so it worked out perfectly. But, after two weeks in this room, I started to loose it. I felt like I had no home, and I didn't , I just had someone else's room I was sleeping in for awhile. It became so bad and so depressing I had to find a way out. I decided to go into a "receiving" mode, and allow to receive from the Universe what I needed to move out.
And, wow, it's happening and it worked! I need a home, a place to call my home, my new home. There are four other people here, and the bathroom is busy in the morning. But, now that I am leaving I can see it as a major stepping stone to have gotten this apartment. It got me back here, and made me realize what I needed, a home ASAP! I can't wait to put my kitchen together and cook! And bake gluten free snacks, and cook super healthy things, and creative dishes I have seen also. I also plan on having friends over for Angel Card Reading Parties at least once a month! This will be so much fun now. See, now I won't be crying over missing my daughters and being alone, now I want to be alone after living with other people. I truly see how the contrast has helped me to figure out what I want, and where I want to be.
And, thank you to my two brothers who opened their heart up to me and donated funds that allowed me to move, I owe them tremendously. And when I make my millions they will not be forgotten for sure.
So, tomorrow is the day I move, wow, to another place, another space. Here goes my head spinning again, so much to worry about and take care of. Moving is very intense, very emotional and physical as well. My body always aches so much after ward. But, now, I will have my own bathtub to take a bath in because here I do not! Amen for that! I usually bath twice a day in the cold weather, especially when I am in so much pain.
I am so excited to be able to walk to the bathroom in my undies, to go into the kitchen anytime I want with no one there, to be able to cook in my kitchen! Wow, see how by taking so much away the small things are huge to me now. The simplicity of cooking in your own kitchen for your family, laying on your couch to watch television, having the peace and quiet of your own home, and having guests over any time you want! I am in Heaven, and I am blissfully happy! Thank you Universe for bringing this to me, for bringing me the home I have been asking for. And yes, I have been asking for it, and dreaming of having it, and not asking how. The how happened on it's own because I asked and was open to receive!
My son came by today to help me pack the cars with my stuff from this room! Because in the morning I am leaving here, never to be here again, and going to my new HOME! Nothing could make me happier right now, and it is just in time for my Birthday. It is the best present for myself right now, next year it will be my home on the beach. My son is such a great help, and it is always nice hanging out with him, as we always have a nice time, and he opens up to me about things. This time we spoke about his Father again, and I am just very sad. Sad about the situation in his home, things I won't discuss, but I need to try to help somehow. This could be tricky, but there may be a way. In the meantime, I will send him Soul Light all night while I am in bed. Along with everyone else I do! Prayers, love, and light, always help the situation for sure. I envision myself holding him up to the huge light, the Sun's Soul's light! Holding him in love and light, healing his body, along with his daughter.
We packed things in my son's truck, and he will bring it to me tomorrow when he gets out of work. Wow, I can't even imagine him visiting me somewhere else! In my own place! It has been three months since I have not had my own home, and it has been truly depressing. I don't know how I got out of this, but thank the Universe for the help. I cried for weeks at my brothers because I missed my daughters so much, and I was not wanted there and felt it. My brother didn't even say hello to me and ask me how I was doing! Ugh!!
So, this is my last night here, in this room I rented only a month ago. It is awesome how things happened so fast for me, I can see that now. Once I decided to move back up North, I found a job and a room for rent the same day. I didn't want to ever have to commute, so it worked out perfectly. But, after two weeks in this room, I started to loose it. I felt like I had no home, and I didn't , I just had someone else's room I was sleeping in for awhile. It became so bad and so depressing I had to find a way out. I decided to go into a "receiving" mode, and allow to receive from the Universe what I needed to move out.
And, wow, it's happening and it worked! I need a home, a place to call my home, my new home. There are four other people here, and the bathroom is busy in the morning. But, now that I am leaving I can see it as a major stepping stone to have gotten this apartment. It got me back here, and made me realize what I needed, a home ASAP! I can't wait to put my kitchen together and cook! And bake gluten free snacks, and cook super healthy things, and creative dishes I have seen also. I also plan on having friends over for Angel Card Reading Parties at least once a month! This will be so much fun now. See, now I won't be crying over missing my daughters and being alone, now I want to be alone after living with other people. I truly see how the contrast has helped me to figure out what I want, and where I want to be.
And, thank you to my two brothers who opened their heart up to me and donated funds that allowed me to move, I owe them tremendously. And when I make my millions they will not be forgotten for sure.
So, tomorrow is the day I move, wow, to another place, another space. Here goes my head spinning again, so much to worry about and take care of. Moving is very intense, very emotional and physical as well. My body always aches so much after ward. But, now, I will have my own bathtub to take a bath in because here I do not! Amen for that! I usually bath twice a day in the cold weather, especially when I am in so much pain.
I am so excited to be able to walk to the bathroom in my undies, to go into the kitchen anytime I want with no one there, to be able to cook in my kitchen! Wow, see how by taking so much away the small things are huge to me now. The simplicity of cooking in your own kitchen for your family, laying on your couch to watch television, having the peace and quiet of your own home, and having guests over any time you want! I am in Heaven, and I am blissfully happy! Thank you Universe for bringing this to me, for bringing me the home I have been asking for. And yes, I have been asking for it, and dreaming of having it, and not asking how. The how happened on it's own because I asked and was open to receive!
Monday, February 2, 2015
Finding an Apartment
I have been apartment hunting, and found an awesome one bedroom to rent! It all happened on Saturday, the day I woke up so depressed. I had been feeling this way for days, and decided what would really make me happy now is to get my own apartment, not a shared one with a random stranger and rent a two bedroom like I thought about. No, just one bedroom, a place to call my home, a place to love to be in, my own place! Wow, how things change from wherever you are. That is truly why we do not know what we would do unless we truly walked that path. The path of feeling like you have no home, like I have felt for three months. I don't know how I got here, why I would ever do this to myself and manifest this. I am sure I will see the answers later, when I am out of this situation. It always seems so hard to see the lessons while we are in it, and I feel like my head has been spinning for the last three months.
This will be my third move in three months, which has been pretty draining. I can't wait to just sit home, and rest for a few days. I can't wait to be able to sit on my own couch, and sleep in my own bed, as I haven't in awhile. It is amazing how our priorities change due to the different situations in our lives. I would never believe I would end up living with one of my brothers temporarily, and not feeling wanted there, and not having enough funds to get my own place. It wasn't suppose to work out this way as I had a small sum of money to pay for a place. Then that place fell through, and I ended up staying with my brother, and the money went to other things. Just great for me, just great. I am sure there is a bigger picture to all of this, as to why I had to end up with living without my things for three months, moving from North Jersey, to Central Jersey, back to North Jersey within three months, and living in four different places within that amount of time as well. Seems to me that I pretty much ran through the lessons I needed to learn, instead of stalling and taking years to occur. We will see, only time will tell!
This will be my third move in three months, which has been pretty draining. I can't wait to just sit home, and rest for a few days. I can't wait to be able to sit on my own couch, and sleep in my own bed, as I haven't in awhile. It is amazing how our priorities change due to the different situations in our lives. I would never believe I would end up living with one of my brothers temporarily, and not feeling wanted there, and not having enough funds to get my own place. It wasn't suppose to work out this way as I had a small sum of money to pay for a place. Then that place fell through, and I ended up staying with my brother, and the money went to other things. Just great for me, just great. I am sure there is a bigger picture to all of this, as to why I had to end up with living without my things for three months, moving from North Jersey, to Central Jersey, back to North Jersey within three months, and living in four different places within that amount of time as well. Seems to me that I pretty much ran through the lessons I needed to learn, instead of stalling and taking years to occur. We will see, only time will tell!
I called a Realtor regarding an apartment I had seen while I was visiting my son at work. We were going to hang out after work because I was so bummed and needed something to do. He was running errands and we decided to go together, but he had to shower after work. When I spoke to the Realtor she explained that it was a very "small" place, but was showing the place now, if I wanted to come by soon. She almost talked me out of it explaining it was "small", but since I had to wait an hour for my son, I thought I had nothing to loose to go and look at it. The Realtor was very serious, explained the home very well, and the funny thing is, I absolutely loved it! It was really cute, walking upstairs into the Living Room, with the Bedroom around the left corner, and the Bathroom and Kitchen to the right. I loved it right away, and it had great energy due to the flow of the rooms creating a half circle. The windows all had crown molding, and there were two windows in each room, along with a window over the sink that I love to have. And yes, there is a bathtub, my other favorite thing, as I bathe daily, and sometimes twice when I really need it. The only issue is the door to the apartment is very small, and it will be hard to get a couch through the space. If I can not bring my couches because they are too large, I am okay with that, because this is temporary, only for a year, until I manifest my mansion on the beach. I also have a Dining Room Set, my parents Bedroom Set, and other items stored now in my brothers garage, so they can stay there for now.
I told the Realtor I wanted it, I loved it, and she was totally happy. She was very nice and thorough and professional. She had to run my credit (oh no!), and call my old landlord along with my boss regarding my income. Oh boy, I have not gone this route ever before renting, as I have always lucked out with never having my credit run, nor calling my landlord or boss. The reason is my credit is not very good, and I get paid cash, The other small issue, I just started working for this family only a few weeks ago, but said I worked for a year because they want to see stability. So, with that, I phoned my boss and spoke to him, and he was very cool about it, explaining it was no problem and he would support what I said. Whew, thank you Universe again! I will keep telling the Universe what I want, and remember that I do not need to know the "how" of it happening, just know and trust that it will because it is what I want! And we all know already that we are here, now, on this earth, to get what we want, to follow our joy, follow our bliss, follow our dreams and be totally happy! Yes, that is my goal as well, and it will happen.
The Realtor sent me the application, which I filled out and sent back. She did call my landlord and my boss, and she said they both gave me great references, thank you for that. We spoke about my old credit history, and she was cool and understanding, and felt it would be okay to work through. She said the next step was to have a meeting with the landlord, which we were planning for the weekend. Wow, this is great, but now the biggest obstacle of all, where is the money coming from? So, this gives me an entire week to figure out where the money will come from, I am putting total trust in the Universe for this one!
I decided to start with being in a state of "receiving", which is hard for me as I am such a giver and love to give! So, I watched my Spiritual Mentor's video about "Receiving", learning to open your heart to receive, and allow others to give. So, I thought of my two brothers who were going to chip in to buy a mobile home for an investment, and allow me to live there. Neither of them came through for me. The one said he had no money left, just spent it! I know this is not the case, he has his own business and just explained how he was doing so well and treated for Thanksgiving Diner at a Restaurant also. I guess he did not want to help me out, and I was sad for the day, knowing he didn't seem to care to even want to help. The same thing with the other, I spoke to him about it, he didn't automatically offer to lend any money to me, so I told him to think about it and let me know. I didn't hear back from him so I called him the next day or two and he didn't answer, I left a message and he didn't ever call me back. Wow, what a way to blow your sister off, he too is divorced and has struggled financially, we are only a year and a half apart and were close growing up and even after High School going out together partying. Not even a thousand dollars neither one was willing to lend to me. They are very different than I, I would lend them anything they needed, as long as I had it.
So, as I explained this to my other brother who always helps me move and my things are in his garage, he offered to lend me some! I didn't even ask him, he just offered, and I know he is the one that doesn't have an abundance of money, and he still has two young children at home to raise. My other two brothers are single, divorced, with no alimony to pay. I was so touched, I cried and thanked him. Then, I decided to ask my oldest brother who has helped me before when he could. I knew he did not have extra money by the comments he has made in the past, but decided to ask for a few hundred anyway. He reacted immediately by saying, "Sure Carol, I can help you out"! Another joy in my heart. Thank you Universe. Now, I had a small amount saved from working only two weeks, and with the security deposit I will be receiving back for the room, I think I will have enough to do this!
I am happy and worried at the same time, but trying not to focus on the "how" of all of this. I am still short a few hundred dollars, and do not know how much I will make next week, because I work extra hours each week and need it!
But, for now, I have crossed a major bridge, a bridge that will get me to my own home, a new home I can call mine, to lay my head and rest at night!
Namaste
I told the Realtor I wanted it, I loved it, and she was totally happy. She was very nice and thorough and professional. She had to run my credit (oh no!), and call my old landlord along with my boss regarding my income. Oh boy, I have not gone this route ever before renting, as I have always lucked out with never having my credit run, nor calling my landlord or boss. The reason is my credit is not very good, and I get paid cash, The other small issue, I just started working for this family only a few weeks ago, but said I worked for a year because they want to see stability. So, with that, I phoned my boss and spoke to him, and he was very cool about it, explaining it was no problem and he would support what I said. Whew, thank you Universe again! I will keep telling the Universe what I want, and remember that I do not need to know the "how" of it happening, just know and trust that it will because it is what I want! And we all know already that we are here, now, on this earth, to get what we want, to follow our joy, follow our bliss, follow our dreams and be totally happy! Yes, that is my goal as well, and it will happen.
The Realtor sent me the application, which I filled out and sent back. She did call my landlord and my boss, and she said they both gave me great references, thank you for that. We spoke about my old credit history, and she was cool and understanding, and felt it would be okay to work through. She said the next step was to have a meeting with the landlord, which we were planning for the weekend. Wow, this is great, but now the biggest obstacle of all, where is the money coming from? So, this gives me an entire week to figure out where the money will come from, I am putting total trust in the Universe for this one!
I decided to start with being in a state of "receiving", which is hard for me as I am such a giver and love to give! So, I watched my Spiritual Mentor's video about "Receiving", learning to open your heart to receive, and allow others to give. So, I thought of my two brothers who were going to chip in to buy a mobile home for an investment, and allow me to live there. Neither of them came through for me. The one said he had no money left, just spent it! I know this is not the case, he has his own business and just explained how he was doing so well and treated for Thanksgiving Diner at a Restaurant also. I guess he did not want to help me out, and I was sad for the day, knowing he didn't seem to care to even want to help. The same thing with the other, I spoke to him about it, he didn't automatically offer to lend any money to me, so I told him to think about it and let me know. I didn't hear back from him so I called him the next day or two and he didn't answer, I left a message and he didn't ever call me back. Wow, what a way to blow your sister off, he too is divorced and has struggled financially, we are only a year and a half apart and were close growing up and even after High School going out together partying. Not even a thousand dollars neither one was willing to lend to me. They are very different than I, I would lend them anything they needed, as long as I had it.
So, as I explained this to my other brother who always helps me move and my things are in his garage, he offered to lend me some! I didn't even ask him, he just offered, and I know he is the one that doesn't have an abundance of money, and he still has two young children at home to raise. My other two brothers are single, divorced, with no alimony to pay. I was so touched, I cried and thanked him. Then, I decided to ask my oldest brother who has helped me before when he could. I knew he did not have extra money by the comments he has made in the past, but decided to ask for a few hundred anyway. He reacted immediately by saying, "Sure Carol, I can help you out"! Another joy in my heart. Thank you Universe. Now, I had a small amount saved from working only two weeks, and with the security deposit I will be receiving back for the room, I think I will have enough to do this!
I am happy and worried at the same time, but trying not to focus on the "how" of all of this. I am still short a few hundred dollars, and do not know how much I will make next week, because I work extra hours each week and need it!
But, for now, I have crossed a major bridge, a bridge that will get me to my own home, a new home I can call mine, to lay my head and rest at night!
Namaste
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