Third Day in My New Place

I woke up pretty sick today, had a fever through the night and have a sore throat and stomach ache.  I text my boss to tell him how I felt and that I would not be into work today.  They have been sick in their house a few times already since I have been there, so I bet I picked something up from them and they will understand.  He was so very cool about it and told me to take care of myself!  I thought that was so sweet.  They are very nice, cool parents and I truly enjoy working for them.  The kids are great too, very easy, self sufficient and busy!

I woke up in tears feeling so bad, and being in so much pain, and looking at all the work I still have to do here to set my place up.  I started crying realizing I really do not have any friends who are there for me when I need them.  Where were my loved ones during this move?  My sister in law that I have been close to for over thirty years did not even offer to help me pack my home up in November, and she knew how emotional it was for me as well.  She also didn't even offer to help me unpack and set up my place this time either. I am truly hurt, realizing she is not there for me in the way I want a friend to be, the way I have been there for her.  Friends offer to help you, you shouldn't even have to ask when it comes to moving.  It is soooo much work, and such a big deal, all the support you have the better.  It is not only physically draining, but emotionally too, and now I am alone doing this, no children, no husband just me.  Do you think my loved ones cared enough to realize this and help me?  I know how busy and wrapped up everyone else is in their own life, but at times like this I believe in chipping in, and showing love and support.  I did not get that from many of my sister in laws, nor my friends, and I am hurt and disappointed.  I had no idea I felt this way until I woke up so sick and in so much pain again, realizing how I am doing this all alone, all alone because I really have no one in my life who offered to help me unpack, except my son.  Am I expecting too much from my loved ones?   

I think I want and need new friends.  I think I am so tired of always giving to these "friends", always giving them positive support, always being the one to call them first and reach out.  I am tired of giving all of my energy away and getting none back.  The pain I am in is so sad, and I feel I do not even have one friend who could be there to help me.  I think everyone is going through their own thing, feeling overwhelmed with life, so I understand, but it leaves me feeling unsupported.  My daughters did not even offer to come and help me unpack, set up, or clean up. Just my son was here to help put away the boxes, he saw I was alone, and felt badly, and helped so much!  I only have my two brothers who helped, and of course my niece who helped this time along with her awesome boyfriend.  He is not even family yet, not even a brother of mine, and he offered to help.  There must be a reason I do not let others in, a reason I do not have the support I want, always thinking in the past I can do it all myself.  But, that attitude I changed years ago, realizing I want and need help from others, it is no fun doing it all alone anyway!  My one brother never helps me move, but helped my sister in laws sister in moving, but didn't even reach out to help me.  

Now, the small problem is I invited my two sister in laws and my one friend to dinner Saturday night for my birthday.  I have never gone out with them for my birthday, as I always am just with my kids.  But, this year, when I asked myself what I would love to do for my birthday, I thought I would love to go to dinner with some girls, along with my daughters.  And now, I do not even want to be with them so quickly after feeling this way now.  I will have to figure out what to do, how would I cancel nicely? How do I tell them I am hurt and feeling unsupported by them?  This is a tough one, I do not want to hurt anyone, but at the same time, I need to be true to myself.  No more staying quiet for their sake, to protect them.  What about me?  What about what I expect from a friendship?  I am realizing what I expect and how I am not receiving it.  I will always love them and be their friend, but need to pull far back, not call them and let them call me, and find other friends!!

My son is coming over today to bring the last of my things in his car, and take the last stuff out of mine.  Thank the Lord for him this time, he is the only one of my kids there for me during this move.  Not only did he help me move some last minute things, but he even helped me do my bedroom.  He helped motivate me so much, the place was trashed again as we took more bins and boxes out.  My son kept saying that he wanted to help me organize the place and put it together so I can feel better.  He has been so sweet and supportive of me the last few days, also realizing how disappointing it is the girls did not even offer to help at all.  They are settled and is that all that matters now?  I know they are drained from helping, but that is what family does,helps when needed.  Not when you feel like it, no, when you are needed.  I can't figure out where they are coming from, I am not crying about it either, just disappointed and confused.

We went through my bedroom, and organized that.  My son tightened my kitchen table better, moved a dresser, hung a mirror, put my headboard and footboard on my bed, and totally helped me get it all together.  I do not know what I would have done without him here now.  I am grateful for him so much, and all three of my children.  Although I am upset with my daughters now, they are so loved and supported by me always.  I am always sending everyone love and light in bed each night.  I envision a ray of light from the sun above, that moves through my body, out of my heart, into their hearts, all of them I send light to, my children, my ex, his mom, and my other little girl!!