Wondering Where to be, Where to go

Namaste ~ I have been going in and out of so many different emotions, so much on my mind it's crazy.  And I was in pretty bad pain for about a week, and I kept asking myself why.  Trying to accept where you are in pain is pretty tricky, who would choose a life of physical pain by choice?  Or is it all emotional pain manifesting into the physical?  I was told it was severe nerve pain, which usually requires surgery.  Well, I opted out of that two years ago, was only a week away of having it done, and changed my mind, so I will never go back!  I am so against surgery's now it's crazy, after I looked at the surgery's I have had done, and how they did not change one thing!  Money, money, money, that's what it makes the Doctor.  

Anyway, here I am now, today, feeling so confused, so not happy with where I am, and so confused at where to go.  I don't like it here, here in this apartment I have been renting since February.  I feel as if I am in High School living upstairs from my parents, because that is basically what is going on.  Yes, I have a separate entrance, but I am on top of them in this small cape, and I hear every single thing.   That means they hear me as well.  And, I have to park my car in their back yard that I am not allowed to use, and have to open and shut a gate as they have a dog that growls when he sees me.  Every day when I would get my car in the morning my mantra was, "I hate this place".  The energy healer I went to see a few weeks ago reminded me of how powerful our words are.  To truly watch every single word we use, especially the ones about ourselves! 
                                          
 This was a major shift for me, making me realize things I said that were harming my body and not believing it will be healed.  My new mantra is, "Oh my light shining so bright".  I use to say, "Oh my nerves", when I was upset about something, and realized my nerves truly are suffering and inflamed now, could these words have anything to do with it?  The Reiki Master feels yes!  So, I changed my mantra to the one I described, and I love it.  It is just remembering how to be, how to act, what to say, how to show ourselves the love we are, the love we have infinitely because of who we are, Source Energy!! 

I don't know how I was blind of so many things, all because this was basically the best price for what I have, and could not go any higher in rent.  I barely make my bills now, with the help of the Grace of God for sure!  But, when I was in that room temporarily I had to get out quick, that was a really sad time for me.  So, this apartment is an improvement from there, and at least I am in Bergen County for now, where my kids are.

Being alone with your feelings each day can become hard when you cry over the past as I have been doing for months.  I realized I have been crying since probably October, on and off since then.  So much releasing, so many tears fallen, and now I am done.  Done with crying the blues, crying over the past of what I could have had and wish I had.  Done with wishing I never left my ex husband, done with it all.  

                                    It did not work out, none of it, and I am here now.  I need to accept where I am and to look at the why.  The lesson I am suppose to learn that is in front of my face, and the new path I am suppose to take.  I think it's more about the path I should take.  One of being here, trying to fix my children's problems and my ex's, or a new path of enlightenment, a new home with new loved ones.  I had went on a Shamanic Journey a few months ago and I was feeling torn about this, my Soul Family was pulling me one way, literally reaching her hand out to grab my hand, or my biological family who was just fine without me.  My biological family was not pulling me, they were happy and free.  I think the meaning to this is pretty obvious, but at the time it was hard to accept because I still wanted to hold onto the family I loved and wanted my entire life.  Letting go seems so hard, wanting to be with those loved ones forever, knowing you can not.  Letting go knowing you are suppose to go somewhere else now, to a different place to shine.  I suppose the scary thing is to not know where this place is or with who, and putting faith in the Universe to bring it to you.  
                                                   I definitely have been asking the Universe for more.  For bringing me financial abundance doing the Spiritual work I love and came here to do.  To publish these books I need to publish and get out.  The Reiki Master reminded me to speak as if I already have all I want, and not to keep asking for it.  So true, because it doesn't seem to come that way.  So, thank you Universe for the love you have sent me in every way, especially in a soul mate.  Thank you for the financial abundance you have given me so I do not ever have to stress about money again, and I have the freedom to do any damn thing I want!  What a different life it is with that abundance, I thank you.

I am starting to do yoga daily, and wish I opened up a Yoga Studio when I wanted to.  I have always had big dreams, so now is the time to have them manifest.   I do not know why it has taken me so long to accomplish the things I want to accomplish, but now is the time.  It is time for me and everyone on this earth, to bring love and joy into our hearts and follow our dreams, and know we can manifest anything!!  

I am so restless, knowing I want to move out of this place now!  Finances come to me so I may!  I want to move in the summer.  I also need a new job because my current nanny job is ending at the end of the school year.  I did not know this when I got the job!  And now, I really need to find something now.  I would love to create enough financial abundance doing my Spiritual work, and nanny no longer.  This is a tough one, because I should be panicking but I am trying not to, I am staying calm and letting the Universe and God show me the way.  But, I only have two months, so it is a bit crazy.  See how you can't just go with the flow and let it all happen?  Because nothing seems to happen to me unless I keep on keeping on every second of every day.  That is so hard to do with the pain my body is in, it takes up so much of my energy so many days.   

Loving you today, loving myself today, opening my heart more to love each and every day! Namaste!