Wow, I did it! I finally got the balls to talk to my ex, which I have been wanted to do for about a year now. A few years after our divorce he blocked my phone number, and wouldn't ever speak to me. He supposedly hated me because he didn't want the divorce, and I went back to Court very often to fight for custody of my kids which I lost in the divorce. It has been fourteen years now since we have been apart.
I drove to his office, parked my car on the main street, and got out of my car, and just stood there wondering what to do. I had to keep telling myself, just go inside, just go inside. I finally walked into his office and told his receptionist that I was his ex wife, and wanted to speak to him, if he would see me. I told her he many not want to see me, and if not, that's okay, I would leave. She explained he had just stepped out for a few minutes, but would be right back. I thought of leaving once again, but talked myself into sitting down and waiting. Then I hear the receptionists telling the Doctor that someone is here to see him! She didn't even tell him who it was, and as he walked into the waiting area, he looked at me, and shook his head back and forth a few times, in total shock. He turned away and started to walk to the back of his office, and I said to the girls, I guess he doesn't want to talk to me. They told me to follow him, which I did. He brought me to a room where there was a couch and a TV, I was feeling uncomfortable and confused.
He sat down and I started explaining how sorry I was for what happened to us, that it wasn't only his fault. I told him I wish it didn't end the way it did. He was cold at first, and closed down. Then, bam, he started getting hot, letting off lots of steam about everything! I was surprised and shocked. After about five minutes of apologizing, which helped open his heart, he started yelling about so many things. He brought up about the divorce, why I went back to Court, why I hired an attorney that was out of County! He told me he wired my entire home when he moved out! What? Wow? That's just crazy!!
He started off with telling me what a bad mother and house keeper I was, telling me I didn't even cook dinner for my kids! I told him he was crazy and wrong, I always cooked. I would even bake all the time, even baking Banana bread for his brother sometimes! He must have been talking about his current wife, but reflecting that onto me. He said the Judge took the kids away from me because I was a bad Mother, that the therapists thought I was crazy, and DYFS took the children away from me for a week! This is all so untrue, a lie he made up and convinced himself, and told the children this, all so he didn't have to face the truth of what he did. Of what a horrible thing he did to his children and wife. So mean and painful.
He said I told him at my son's High School graduation that I stilled loved him and wanted him back! WTF?? Where the heck did he get that from? How could he twist that in his head?? Oh my! I started laughing, and told him I never said that, I congratulated him on the birth of his daughter, trying to make peace. He told me the children were scared shit that I was going to yell at him! Hello, wake up call, it's the other way around! They were worried he was going to flip out on me. He actually screamed for over an hour, so hot his neck was turning red. I should have told him to stop, breathe and calm down, but didn't, I just tried to listen to him vent.
He insulted our children, which shocked me, explaining how badly they did in College, and how they do nothing for him around the house and never did. Big fat lie!! I remember how my son had to go to his house on the days he was with me to help his dad with the pool, the yard, the lawn furniture, the deck, the snow, and more! And my daughter who lives there now is like Ms. Mom, shes a great Mother and housekeeper, I am very proud of her. She takes care of his house now, the food shopping, and cares for her three year old sister all the time. Wow, all he did was complain about everyone and everything. So very negative he is, the children were so right, it's so very sad.
He yelled about how his family was never there for him, and how they lied and said they were always there for him after the divorce and when he had his new baby. He explained that he and his wife will probably divorce. He praised her for taking care of his Mother daily, and the kids said this was not true!
At one point he sat down and tears came to his eyes, and I knelt down in front of him, touched his hand and told him I felt bad for him, and will always care about him. When I went to leave he mentioned something about him never going backwards, and I said that is not why I came, to get back together. I wanted to clear the air, let go, and make peace. This has been holding over my head for a very long time, and I needed to make resolution for myself, and try to get to him about his health, and clear the air for all of us.
I felt so badly for him I hugged him when I left, he wouldn't look at me. I told him to look me in the eyes and he would not, and then I left. As I got into my car, tears were rolling down my face, feeling badly about the things he said, the way I treated him.
I went back and picked up my son for dinner. I wasn't going to tell them, but I was so upset, my head was spinning, so much was said that I needed to process. When I explained what was said to my son, he basically told me the opposite. Mostly everything my ex said to me was a lie, a lie, and to make me feel badly for him. He is so out of it, he doesn't even know what reality is, he goes in and out when it is convenient for him. He twists and manipulates everything you say, to blame you and benefit him. It was like a spark from the past, as I remembered he always did this to me, trying to tell me it was my fault not his, and then I would almost believe it, question it, feeling confused. Wow, he hasn't grown one bit, and has gotten worse, I hate to say. Wow, how I forgot this about us! I am so glad I forgot, and so glad he reminded me!
I didn't like when he insulted the children, and I stuck up for them, explaining how much we are to blame for their life, their pain, their behavior, look at what we did to them. Look at what he did to them by taking them away from me! Not letting them sleep at my home during the school week for years, I cried and cried. He even wired my house during that time, how dare him! I am truly angry and upset about this, what is wrong with him? Is his pain and suffering now Karma? And I always hate to say this, but he truly was responsible for my suffering and my three children's suffering by splitting us up, and ripping them away from me! It was so unfair, so unfair, I get so angry when I remember that as well, that is why I have to let it go and forget. Because they say it was all lessons learned, all pre planned before our birth, all agreeing to this together. Wow, that is a crazy theory I know, but I believe it. I just want it all to end, the pain and suffering for me, my children, and all of us. Peace, Peace on Earth.
I am so glad I spoke to him, and now I truly can see what my children are dealing with. So sad, so sad it is. I need to make some cash fast so I can get my kids out of there! It was great talking to my son, he sees things so clearly, and was right about everything.
So, now I feel great I had closure, and can walk away from that part of my life. I feel less attached to Bergen County now, and can walk away easier. I think this is going to help me with moving on, moving ahead to find that true love who is out there, just waiting for me! Thank you, Amen.
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