A New Sunshine Day!

So, another day of love!  Yesterday the sun was out and it reached 60 degrees.  It was a beautiful day and the kids hung out after school in the street, and it was so nice for everyone to be outside.  You could see the children so happy, being able to run around outside and be free.  Free of schedules, free from the classroom they were just in.  It was an awesome feeling to be outside again.
                                         
Waking up today the same, feeling so lonely.  My crying over my ex and missing him has calmed down.  I have decided to try to talk to his mother, and take her out to lunch, maybe even tomorrow.  It would be great for her to get out and talk, and we were very close, she was like a mother to me for thirty years.  I have been asking my daughters for the past year to please plan a day so we can take her out for lunch.  She doesn't drive, and is in every day.   She is going through a lot seeing her children having the problems they are having.  It is wearing on her, and I think she is choosing to let go and forget.  Forget about all the pain she sees in her life, forget about no being able to help in any way, forget about the disconnection her children are having from each other.

  The children tell me my ex doesn't want my help in any way, and is still angry with me.  He is not ready to forgive.  I have started a new book, "Radical Forgiveness", and it speaks about him being my biggest teacher, and how I can change the energy by forgiving him and myself.  I won't even have to talk to him, and tell him how sorry I am for the pain I have caused him, like I want to do so badly.  I want him to know that I was so hurtful too, so crazy in pain suffering, and did not even see it.  I blamed him for everything, like he blamed me.  Such a shame we went back and forth, not being able to sit back, breathe, and realize what we fell in love with.  He had so many awesome qualities, I wish I could have reminded him of this.  I wish so many things were different, and can't seem to let go.  Let go of us ever being together again, let go of my family I wanted so bad, let go and be no where.  I know I can't move ahead being attached to him.  I just wonder if we are meant to be together again.  Without the pain and arguing of course, in a space of love, gratitude and appreciation for one another. 
                                                                                      
 The kids would tell me I am crazy, he is still angry, and I guess I need to hear this.  If he is still angry, and not healthy I would not want to be with him!  But, it's like I live in a fantasy world with him, my own world, when I dream of the times we had together, and cry missing him.  I dream of us being together again, me helping take care of that little girl of his I love.  How she feels so much a part of me as well, why wouldn't I be meant to be in her life is she is here now?  I don't know if my feelings are true intuition, or true insecurity wanting him back, not wanting to be alone.  I am feeling like it is more insecurity because when I am happy, I know I have no desire to be with someone who is in the place he is in now.  I am hoping the more I work on why I feel this way, it will go away!  It's crazy to waste time on crying over things we can not change, things that are done.  It is that same lesson for me, letting go, releasing, surrendering to what is, and creating new.  

This alone thing totally sucks!  I do not know how anyone would choose to live alone, I am ready to find a honey to be with.  I am ready to open my heart up to love now my children have gone.  If it will not be my ex, I need to let go of him, move on, and be open to new love.  I read my Romance Cards yesterday and they were amazing.  True love is here or will come.  I did ask if my ex and I would ever be together, and this is the card I pulled.  True love to come, that is what I will wish for! <3 
Love and light always!

Finding my Purpose Here

I am wondering today how I can help with Teal Swan's mission here on earth.  Being alone now, without my family and children I need to fill that void.  With something big, something huge, and I know it is through her teachings!  So, I am sending it out to the Universe to send me what I need to get to see her again, now, in this reality, now!  Manifest away, I wish it was that simple, and yes, I know that shows I am still struggling with this.  I have been trying to manifest so many things, and it seems to be taking much too long.  So now I will try to ask for it now, now, I am ready to receive the gifts ahead of me, I am ready to receive what I desire, or "inown".  Thank you God, Universe for sending it to me.  Thank you to the Angels and Guides that walk with me each day.  I am grateful. 

I spoke to my sister in law yesterday upset about my pain, trying to handle it.  She was so sweet and comforting as usual, and we talked about what I can do to help myself get relief.  She is a Reiki Practioner, and has a Reiki Master she knows and loves.  She offered to call her and make an appointment for me right away, and she is seeing me tonight.  I am so very grateful for this, she is like an Angel here watching over me now, when I feel I do not know where else to turn.  Everything takes money, and if your flow is not abundant, you do not have the freedom to do all you want.  In this case getting the help I need to heal, and getting to see people who could help me.  
                                                         
I have to remind myself daily that I am enough, and I am worthy.  It surely is a process, I can say it but believing it 100% is hard.  Because if I was enough, I would have accomplished what I wanted already, and not dwell on the past so much.  I am learning, it is a process, I have to realize.  I want things now, changes to happen now.  I am done with waiting, for years and years for what?  
Be happy, follow your joy, fill your world with love, and loved ones!
Love and Light! <3 

Trying to Find the Passion in Life Again

Finally feel some relief from the deep loneliness feeling I have been having.  It seems as if the Kambo Cleanse did help to make me feel more connected to life.  I still do not enjoy living alone, but today I can deal with it, where I really was hurting for a few weeks, crying so much wanting my life to be different.
                                                           
To understand that our suffering is not because of where we are in our life, but more because of our lack of accepting our situation and trying to understand the lessons the Universe is trying to teach us.  That is a totally different way of looking at a situation in our life we are not happy about.  I kept concentrating on wanting my family back, my ex and my children, but they are gone.  I was living in the past, wanting what I had but no longer have, not being able to let go.  Letting go seems to be a huge lesson I need to learn here on earth, as it is so hard for me to do.  It is hard for me to let go and forgive myself for the pain I caused my children as a single mom, doing so many things wrong.  And hard to forgive myself for the mistakes I feel I made with my ex husband as well.  I am still working on this, forgiving my self for causing them so much pain.  You see things very differently when you move, and the people who were in your life every single day are no longer around you.  You tend to remember your life with them, and what you did wrong, at least I do.  
                                                           
                                                                      
Throughout this I have realized what I do want now.  I do want someone in my life, a man, along with a family that he has.  I want to live with someone, go to bed with him, and say good morning to him.  I want him to have children, and plenty of family around him, as I miss all of that love.  It is a strange thing to live alone, and wake up alone, almost as if your "existence" doesn't even matter!  Because no one is there to even acknowledge you or say hello!  I think we all want to be connected, all want to be loved, and no man is an island.  I use to think it was great that I could do things myself, now I want the help!  I no longer want to be strong enough to do it all alone, I want help from others in any way they want to help me!                                                                      
Yesterday I went home to see my sister in law and brother.  I haven't seen them in awhile and missed them, and talked to my sister in law a lot.  I talked too much, and as I left it made me realize I have made mental changes already, because I spoke to her about what I was working on now, my book and the Young Living Oils.  As I was speaking with her, I became more excited about my mission here on earth.  I became more excited to get my books published and about helping others in any way that I can.  Speaking about it to someone makes it more real, more alive, and helps to bring it to you.  I am telling the Universe what I want, and the good thing is I do not have to know the "how".  The Universe takes care of that, or God does, whatever you believe.  Like I have said, I believe God is within us, we are all parts of source energy, of God, helping us to shine in any way we want 
to.
                                           
I feel I have always had some many ideas about accomplishing many things here, but they do not seem to get finished, it's like there is a block.  The Kambo shifted this block somewhat, and I am grateful for that.  It's like I need to be pushed off the cliff, to just make me fly and take off, because I have been so hesitant.  Hesitant to put my blog out there like I should, hesitant to promote my company "You are the Light".  Why am I so afraid? What am I so afraid of, I ask myself.  Afraid of putting myself out there?  Then why? Am I worried about what others will think, of being disapproved of?  Am I worried about everyone knowing my deep truth, making me feel so vulnerable?  I have just asked myself these questions after talking to my sister in law last night about blogging.  She is Polish and explained to me that she reads some Polish blogs, and was convincing me to just do it, own it and get it out there.   She explained how some blogs are just about someones daily life, what they do and where they go.  I always use to wonder why would someone want to read about my life?  Anyone's life for that matter, don't we have enough problems in our own life?  But I realize it does help us in many ways, to feel connected, understood, and not alone.  I know it is great to read how someone else felt the way you did, and what you did to try to heal it.  

To heal it, heal our life, heal ourselves.  To be here in the moment, in the present, and follow our joy, each minute, each day.  To know we are here to create and we can manifest what we want.  Things we should never forget, but these things are hard to remember when you are feeling so low.  All of these things get thrown out the window when I am suffering and crying so much in pain.  I just go with that pain and cry and forget about anything to be grateful for.  I forget about gratitude and being grateful every day.  I forget about my soul family who is always there for support.  

It is good to know what we love to do, what picks us up and makes us feel better and do it.  It is also good to feel our pain and go there too, but it depends on how bad and how often!  To go through such sad feelings all alone, all the time is not fun and is very draining.  

Yesterday was my first born daughter's Birthday, and she wanted to spend the day alone and she did.  She is going through so much now I don't know how to help her.  She doesn't want help from her family, but at the same time she does. Since she moved out, she has pulled far away from me, and she says she can't wait to be away from all of us!  She has been through a lot after our Divorce, and even as a child in the home, that now she is done.  Done with holding on and dealing with it all, just wanting peace and to be left alone.  I totally get it, but it still is sad to not have her to go out with, and hang out with and have in my life.  My daughters were my best friends, and now they are gone!  
                                                         
So much to deal with, so many changes to get use to.  So much resistance from me to accept these changes.  I think now I can, I have to.  I am letting go of my children, trying to, allowing them to live their own lives for now.  I know when they need or want me, they will reach out to me.  I just need to give them that space.   In doing so, I have to create my own life, a new life for myself, which I have resisted doing.  I am slowly getting there, as I have found a few new Spiritual places to hang out in, new places I can do some work in, and new friends I have met there.  I have finally opened the door to reach out to that other world, a new and different world I do not know, one without my family and my children.  

I can't wait to feel happy again about my life and my future, for now, Namaste!

Friday, Questioning my Body Healing

Namaste
Woke up today in extreme pain up my neck again.  It really is a challenge dealing with this daily.  Why keeps going through my head, why would I need to be in pain like this for so many years?  It's too much for me to deal with, and having no support with any loved ones around makes it worse.  Then I go into a really negative spiral, feeling like what did I do so wrong to deserve this?  This pain and suffering is awful, and seems so unfair to me.  What is the lesson I am missing?  I did attend a lecture last night with about twenty people, and I do find the day after a meeting like that, I wake up in severe pain.  Help me God, please help me Universe to heal my neck, my body.  Show me the way, send people in my life to help me in my healing.  Thank you.  The Shaman seems to have most of the answers for me, so that is where I will keep looking and plugging along, they seem to have all the answers as to your journey and your soul.  It just costs money, which I need to manifest big time.  I barely make enough money to live and pay my bills monthly now, since I have my own place.  I am trying to get my spiritual gifts out there to contribute to my financial abundance, and waiting for God and the Universe to provide.
                                                         

I have a special event tonight with a new group of mediums that I met at a new Spiritual place I found.  They meet monthly to help others increase their connection to the Spirits, and they are having a fund raising event tonight at a High School!  They invited any of us from the group that would like to attend, and since I read Angel Cards, that is what I will offer to do.  While they are listening to the Spirits and giving the audience information from them.  It will be an exciting night, to even be around these two women is amazing, they are so awesome, loving, and positive, and here to teach others we all have the ability if we work on it.
                                
I will let you all know how it goes! Should be so much fun for me!
Namaste, Om Shante, Amen, Love and Light! <3

Just Another Day!

Wow, it sure has been a roller coaster, each and every day.  What do I want?  I want love, peace, joy and happiness in my life.  How do I get that?  Good question, by following your joy?  How do you do that when you don't like the life you are living and need money to get out?  We live our lives day to day and barely look at how happy we are inside.  I did this for so many years when I was raising my children, working to just get by and pay the bills.  I enjoyed so many years with my children, and the memories I have with them as young adults are treasures for sure.  Being a mother was the best joy and times of my life.  But, I struggled on and off with money.  I had an abundance more than once, and it melted away very quickly by the poor decisions I made.  Ugh.... 

Now, I have so many dreams I want to do, and have for months, but am still here, not accomplishing those dreams yet.  Yes, I have put out to God and the Universe to what I want.  Now, being here alone, I realize the most important thing I am missing in my life now, is a companion, a best friend, someone to be with every day, go to bed with, and wake up with.  I loved being married, I loved staying home and caring for the home, the children, my husband, I am such a homie!  Being raised in a large family helped to comfort me.  Gatherings were always large, with so many people around, and I loved that about my family once I grew up as we shared holidays and birthdays together.  The love, all the love from a family, unconditional, innate love!  My family was such a support to me even when I was married, knowing they were there to help comforted me.

Now, my family, my brothers, are all very different now.  We are not as close as we all use to be when we were all married.  My three brothers and I got divorced years ago and that changed everything.  No more seeing my sister in laws that I loved, no more parties in the gorgeous yard my brother had with a pool, waterfall and jacuzzi.  All of those memories gone, gone in the dust.  Gone too, of the memories of my family along with my ex husband and children gone.  Letting go has been hard for me, but it has been a lesson for me my entire life.   I want to hold onto what I had, the love, the connection from my loved ones, I do not want to let them go.  Letting go of them makes me feel as if I have nothing, nothing left to hold onto.  No one to hug me, no one to ask me how my day was and say good morning too, no one to even go shopping with, yes I am lonely.  Truly lonely and some days I don't even know what to do, except leave the house and change my perspective.  Leave the house and drive to my home town in Central Jersey and see my family, my brothers and sister in laws.  But seeing everyone still isn't enough, it's just not enough.  How can there be enough love around you if you live alone?  How do you wake up alone every single day just for you, just to get up and go, to go where?  To a job you are just doing to make money to pay for an apartment you don't even like?  That is what I am doing now.  
                      
Yes, I am working on manifesting what I want, creating my life as I want to live it, and have a beautiful home on the water with a wonderful man filled with kids, family, and friends.  But for now, I am here, here in tears again, crying over being alone.  Feeling lonely with no one in my space, missing my daughters so much at times it's hard to bear.  Yes, I am still feeling low much of the time, and have to figure out how to raise my energy and vibration each day.  

I am grateful I have ventured out the last few weeks and have found some type of community to belong too.  It is a start, and I am creating a support group for young teens and adults that I want to get into some healing centers and yoga centers.  This idea came to me when I went to a new healing center, Pandora Healing, and enjoyed a sound healing meditation.  Sound healing is obviously sound, beautiful crystal bowls, and gongs, etc.  I thought it would be a great idea to have the young ones enjoy this type of healing because it seems easier than to learn to meditate.  When we start to meditate it seems hard to stop our thoughts, but when we are listening to music, all we have to do is let go and listen.  To sit and relax, release and let go, and hear the beautiful notes in the music that is so healing.
I have always wanted to open some type of healing center especially for the children, so I thought of a support group for them, ending with the sound healing.  I am going to talk to the owner in the next few days to see if this resonates with him and do it.  It is already done, as I feel it, and that is exciting for sure.  
                                                                 
Anyway, I have decided to start putting my blog out there and posting it on face book soon, which is a huge step for me, and frightening I don't even know why!  It's like I have to take that step and jump, so I can spread my wings and soar, finally!!  I have many old blogs that I did not post yet, so once I get caught up, here I go!  

I hope each of us suffers less each day, I wish everyone can bathe and feel the love and light each day!  
Namaste, Love and Light sent your way! <3 

Going to do Kambo Today

Oh boy, going to do Kambo soon.  I am getting a little nervous now, as it is getting closer.  Speaking with my girlfriend who just went through it yesterday, she really helped prepare me.  I did not know you were suppose to set an intention, so of course my intention is to heal my neck and body pain.  The other intention is to help me with this feeling of loneliness, despair and not wanting to be alone.  And yet another is to help me forgive myself for all the wrong I feel I have done with my children and my ex in my divorce.  I also hope they can forgive me as well, because my daughter is really hurt by me and has pulled very far away and it breaks my heart.
                                  
                                                      

My heart is breaking every day being alone, all alone, living alone.  It's like there is no reason to live with out one person in your life you can say good morning and good night too.  The past few days have been so bad for me since the weekend, I couldn't even write.  I also ran out of my holy basil, which helps me when I am in a crying fit like this.  Its sad, it's bad, and I don't know how people get out of this.  I can see why they just go to their job and ignore the rest when we feel so alone and so disconnected.  
                                                   

I hope this feeling disappears when I am done with this process.  After the medicine is put in you, you purge.  I am not so worried about purging because I have been doing it my entire life, but the medicine going through you seems to affect you a great deal.  When my soul family did this, they were lying outside under a tree with support from someone.  I will be inside, with support from one Shaman for ten people, I hope she can hold space for all of us in the proper way, I should just assume she can.

Okay, I am going to get ready and take a hot bath, then off I go!

I am asking all of my guides to walk with me today, better yet, carry me!  God, Holy Mary, Jesus, Budhha, Teal Swan!! Unicorn, Wolfie, Archangel Michael and Gabriel, all the Angels and Saints, the Goddesses too!  Everyone who can help me, please come with me, I am scared and so sad here on this earth.  I can not live this way each day, it has been way too long I have felt this way, even when I was married and he gave me love, it was hard for me to receive and feel worthy of.  This has to get better for me soon! I am so thankful for having this Kambo experience today! I will write about it soon!  
                                                    

Namaste

Lunch with my Lovely Daughter

My children have been dealing with a lot with their Father, the office, opening up the day care, taking care of their little sister, etc., they have a lot of responsibilities.  I love them dearly and am so very proud of them.  The feelings I have been having lately about them is guilt.  I have been feeling guilty about things I have done raising them alone, and I am having a hard time now forgiving myself.  Well, in going deep I just realized it does still bother me, the ways I feel I did hurt them, and need to forgive myself.  But how, how do we forgive ourselves and say it's okay when you know it is not?  Isn't that what I told my parents when I was in an argumentative environment?  Yes, I have forgiven my parents, and love them and know they did the best they could.

I haven't seen my daughter in awhile and just had lunch with her.  It did not go very well, as she ran out upset.  She seems to be pushing us away, feeling we are all against her.  She got mad at me for something and told me she is going to block my number and wants nothing to do with me or anyone else.  I don't know why she feels her family is against her, because we are not, we love her and are here for her always.  But, in this instance, I can see that there is nothing I can do but pull away and sit back and wait.  Wait to see if she reaches out to me or not.  If not, I will text her in a few days telling her I love her.
                                               

 What did I do to this family?  Why didn't I keep us all together, preaching oneness, preaching how important family is?  Why do I need this separation now to feel oneness?  It all doesn't make sense to me, even though I try to make sense of it all.  The hurt is hard to get through, the forgiveness too!  Forgiving ourselves, is loving ourselves, one of my new spiritual friends reminded me!  If I can forgive my parents for what they did to me, then I surely should be able to forgive myself.  I expect so much more from myself, I expected love all the time, to be able to respond in true love, not anger and hurt.  The ways I reacted back in anger was all about my anger, not the other persons as I thought for years.  I blamed them, and played the victim role, not realizing it was all about facing myself, facing my pain within.  I wish I knew that then, I wish I knew so much more, but I know, I am right where I should be, and things happened for a reason!  That gets old sometimes, I know, but I think it is true.
                                                  

I saw my son at work, and after speaking with him, he made me realize how much healthier I am in life now, calmer, more centered and not as mad and angry at the world. I was pretty hurt and angry for years, but didn't really see my anger, but saw my tears.  After our divorce I was in Court every year trying to get joint custody, and was mad and angry at my ex,  and bad mouthed him all the time.  How angry I was and didn't really see it.  I just felt so sad and so hurt.  Now I can see clearer, how angry I was toward the world.  Yes, I gave to others that I loved, and would open my heart up to everyone, but was still hurt and angry.

Now, I am sad what I have done to my family, my children, and especially my oldest daughter.  We were not good parents at all, and put our children through so much.  I want to make it all up to them, and become so financial abundant that I can treat them any way I want.  To go anywhere, anytime, and vacation, the Dude Ranch, etc.  And I want to be happy, truly happy and loved!
Namaste, Amen.

A Saturday Struggling Again ....

Another day of feeling so alone, the sadness and pain is too deep.  It started yesterday when I woke up feeling so sad to be alone.   I keep going back to the same feelings of wishing I was still with my ex, and my children, my own family, the one I love and seem to keep yearning for.
                                    
My one daughter was busy, so I phoned my other daughter to see what she was doing.  She was busy running errands, but did not want my company.  I wish she could talk to me if she is hurt over things I have done in the past. I realized there are so many things I feel I have done that hurt my children so much, I can't even forgive myself.  This is a tough one, I cry for their forgiveness and send them the light of the sun into their hearts.  Especially my oldest daughter, we have argued so much in the past and it is a challenge to forgive myself.  And, to find out it was all about my own pain, and I was the one being angry from within, makes it even worse.

I feel so low now, I don't even know what to do next.  Since it's Saturday, I decided to take a ride home to see my brother and his wife.  I know now that when I am this low, I can not stay in all day, it is not healthy for me.  So I went out around 4:00, after I did lots of computer work.  I made some stops along the way, and even got a new car key I needed for only $35.  Wow, a dealer would have charged me around $150.  That was a major synchronicity, I lost my keys a few weeks ago, and the only key I had was broken and did not even lock the doors.  I was waiting for the funds to get a new one, but when I stopped for windshield wipers for my car, the gentleman told me where to go for a new key.  And, boy, he was so helpful, what a great price!  I immediately thanked the Universe, and realized how I manifested that.  It just all fell into place. Thank you, Amen!

I didn't phone my brother, but when I got to his house, he was home, and his wife and him were ready to run to the store.  When I walked in and saw my sister in law, I broke down crying, telling her how lonely I was feeling.  She hugged me for awhile, and told me to come with them to the store.  So, off went.  I am so glad I went to see them, being with them comforted me and helped to take my mind off of my loneliness.
                                         
We had some tea when we got back, and we talked about all the exciting things happening in our life now.  Like my nieces wedding this year!  And my daughters new boyfriend!  And we spoke about my children's little sister and I showed them videos of her too.  Being with them totally helped not feeling so alone.  But, when you get back home, and no one is in it to greet you, and no one is coming home for dinner, its tough.  I just can't understand why I would ever choose this life, of aloneness, than the life with my husband and the three wonderful, beautiful miracles we created!  I need my energy to shift, I want to be happy and enjoy my life, I just don't understand why I haven't been able to.
Love, love yourself, love each other with unconditional love and presence.  <3 <3 <3

Having to Start a New Week So Sad

It's Monday, waking up after an intense, emotionally, feeling lonely weekend, it was hard getting out of bed today.  But, then when your laying in bed and your thoughts are only haunting you, it's either time to get up, or listen to a meditation of Teal Swan's.  I am missing my family, my ex and children big time.  So much, that's all I want, my family back.  I know I have gone in and out of these feelings for literally years, always getting to this sad low point of feeling so lonely.  I had it all, a beautiful, loving man, and had three beautiful children with him.  And it all fell apart.  We were going to build a 7,000 square foot castle on five acres of property, which was all woods!  How am I suppose to get over that?  And yes, we loved each other so much, and yes we did argue a lot, but that was us. 
                                   

I have learned a new way to see this situation from a book called "Radical Forgiveness".  It is that he was my biggest lesson.  That we came here with contracts with each other to help further our growth.  He was a mirror to me to teach me about myself, and to help me become whole.  And, that I could have transformed that relationship by shifting my own feelings about it and be open to the love.  We both closed off the love stream, and went into blaming and insulting each other.  It was not fair to our children, for us not to be responsible enough to have gotten it together for them! For the three beautiful miracles we helped to create!  And, we truly let them down, we couldn't even be their rock here on earth to turn to when they needed help.  But, this is not the way this book explains how to see the situation, as I just explained.  This is how I feel so many times too though, so I am being open to a new way of thinking and looking at it, after all it changed my life drastically, leaving him, and living alone like this now.  I would still give anything to have not gotten divorced as crazy as that sounds.  I know, I know, we were so angry at each other and there was so much turmoil, but if we came back to a place of love, unconditional love and understanding, we may have had it all.  And now I feel as if I have nothing.  
                                                           So, I lay in bed with past visions about my children when they were young.  Things we did together as a family, things I did alone with them, there are so many memories I can't let them go.  It makes me so sad to see these visions in my head again and again.  I just want them back, I just want all of it back, why did it have to end up this way for me? All alone in this small apartment when all I wanted my entire life was my husband?  He was the man of my dreams.  We were best of friends and loved all the same things.  He was the kindest, caring man when I met him.  Yes, he did have a critical side to him, making jokes about our qualities that weren't very likable.  His family was that way, always mocking you out for what they thought your "faults" were.  I know none of us have any of those, to love myself for every way that I am, and accept it.  But his family was pretty critical, I here it is a Norwegian trait, which their mother is.  
                                         I am having a really hard time now forgiving myself for all of this, and letting go of it.  This is a tough and sad one.  I feel I have nothing again, and no where to go.  I feel if there is no hope for me and my ex, then I can't stay around here and need to leave. The "hope" I have had in my head on and off for ten years I realize, a hope that my kids say will never happen, so hard to let go of.  It is sad to have lived my life raising my children alone with so much fighting and anger towards my ex.  I see things so differently now that I am out of the situation and on my own now.  When they were young and we first were divorced, it was tough.  There was so much arguing, I guess we were all so hurt.  So hurt to have your family break up, feeling so unsafe and disconnected.  My ex was definitely my strength in my life, he was so strong and always there for me when I was hurt and upset.  I felt so connected to him that when we weren't together when we were dating, I did not feel whole.  He was my best friend, and my first love!  And I ruined it all, threw it all away, the family we created, the family that is only ours.  

  What a terrible place I have been to.  And I am not in much of a better place now, either.  I am so unhappy with where I am in my life, like I said, this small apt., etc.  I need to get out of here by the summer, I want to manifest a home on the water, the lake first, but it has to be filled with lots of loved ones in it too.  I wish I could get to my ex, and he could open up his heart to forgive me, and let me back in.  I have been sending him light all weekend, and have been doing a new technique I learned from one of my books.  You think of the sun's soul, and take that bright light and bring it to you, and to another person you want to bond with, and then up to the light again.  So, it's like a triangle of light, bright white light, moving from the sun's soul light, into me, into him, and back up.  Hoping this will help in a healing for the both of us, to be able to at least come to a place of peace with each other and allow us to open up and talk.  Yes, I still have this deep desire to talk to him, to look into his eyes and touch him and let him know how sorry I am for have hurting him so much.  All I would need is time to look into his eyes, without saying a word, and he will know, I will now, and it will be okay.  
                                               
I am in so much pain today, I suppose the pain has to do with me holding on, not being able to accept what is.  So, I am going to hop into the tub.  I have no idea what my day will bring today, I was going to run some flyers to the coffee shops so I can do some Angel Card Readings there, but don't have much positive energy today.  I am sad today, so ready to quit all of this.  I am open to receive the financial abundance I desire because I want the freedom to do and buy whatever I want, and I want to be able to pay all of my bills plus much more.  I want my home on the lake to come any way you want to send it to me, along with a summer home on the beach as well.  Thank you, I am grateful for all I have now, especially my three children.
Amen, Namaste, Love and light to all! <3