To understand that our suffering is not because of where we are in our life, but more because of our lack of accepting our situation and trying to understand the lessons the Universe is trying to teach us. That is a totally different way of looking at a situation in our life we are not happy about. I kept concentrating on wanting my family back, my ex and my children, but they are gone. I was living in the past, wanting what I had but no longer have, not being able to let go. Letting go seems to be a huge lesson I need to learn here on earth, as it is so hard for me to do. It is hard for me to let go and forgive myself for the pain I caused my children as a single mom, doing so many things wrong. And hard to forgive myself for the mistakes I feel I made with my ex husband as well. I am still working on this, forgiving my self for causing them so much pain. You see things very differently when you move, and the people who were in your life every single day are no longer around you. You tend to remember your life with them, and what you did wrong, at least I do.
Throughout this I have realized what I do want now. I do want someone in my life, a man, along with a family that he has. I want to live with someone, go to bed with him, and say good morning to him. I want him to have children, and plenty of family around him, as I miss all of that love. It is a strange thing to live alone, and wake up alone, almost as if your "existence" doesn't even matter! Because no one is there to even acknowledge you or say hello! I think we all want to be connected, all want to be loved, and no man is an island. I use to think it was great that I could do things myself, now I want the help! I no longer want to be strong enough to do it all alone, I want help from others in any way they want to help me!
Yesterday I went home to see my sister in law and brother. I haven't seen them in awhile and missed them, and talked to my sister in law a lot. I talked too much, and as I left it made me realize I have made mental changes already, because I spoke to her about what I was working on now, my book and the Young Living Oils. As I was speaking with her, I became more excited about my mission here on earth. I became more excited to get my books published and about helping others in any way that I can. Speaking about it to someone makes it more real, more alive, and helps to bring it to you. I am telling the Universe what I want, and the good thing is I do not have to know the "how". The Universe takes care of that, or God does, whatever you believe. Like I have said, I believe God is within us, we are all parts of source energy, of God, helping us to shine in any way we want
to.
I feel I have always had some many ideas about accomplishing many things here, but they do not seem to get finished, it's like there is a block. The Kambo shifted this block somewhat, and I am grateful for that. It's like I need to be pushed off the cliff, to just make me fly and take off, because I have been so hesitant. Hesitant to put my blog out there like I should, hesitant to promote my company "You are the Light". Why am I so afraid? What am I so afraid of, I ask myself. Afraid of putting myself out there? Then why? Am I worried about what others will think, of being disapproved of? Am I worried about everyone knowing my deep truth, making me feel so vulnerable? I have just asked myself these questions after talking to my sister in law last night about blogging. She is Polish and explained to me that she reads some Polish blogs, and was convincing me to just do it, own it and get it out there. She explained how some blogs are just about someones daily life, what they do and where they go. I always use to wonder why would someone want to read about my life? Anyone's life for that matter, don't we have enough problems in our own life? But I realize it does help us in many ways, to feel connected, understood, and not alone. I know it is great to read how someone else felt the way you did, and what you did to try to heal it.
To heal it, heal our life, heal ourselves. To be here in the moment, in the present, and follow our joy, each minute, each day. To know we are here to create and we can manifest what we want. Things we should never forget, but these things are hard to remember when you are feeling so low. All of these things get thrown out the window when I am suffering and crying so much in pain. I just go with that pain and cry and forget about anything to be grateful for. I forget about gratitude and being grateful every day. I forget about my soul family who is always there for support.
It is good to know what we love to do, what picks us up and makes us feel better and do it. It is also good to feel our pain and go there too, but it depends on how bad and how often! To go through such sad feelings all alone, all the time is not fun and is very draining.
Yesterday was my first born daughter's Birthday, and she wanted to spend the day alone and she did. She is going through so much now I don't know how to help her. She doesn't want help from her family, but at the same time she does. Since she moved out, she has pulled far away from me, and she says she can't wait to be away from all of us! She has been through a lot after our Divorce, and even as a child in the home, that now she is done. Done with holding on and dealing with it all, just wanting peace and to be left alone. I totally get it, but it still is sad to not have her to go out with, and hang out with and have in my life. My daughters were my best friends, and now they are gone!
So much to deal with, so many changes to get use to. So much resistance from me to accept these changes. I think now I can, I have to. I am letting go of my children, trying to, allowing them to live their own lives for now. I know when they need or want me, they will reach out to me. I just need to give them that space. In doing so, I have to create my own life, a new life for myself, which I have resisted doing. I am slowly getting there, as I have found a few new Spiritual places to hang out in, new places I can do some work in, and new friends I have met there. I have finally opened the door to reach out to that other world, a new and different world I do not know, one without my family and my children.
I can't wait to feel happy again about my life and my future, for now, Namaste!
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