Lunch with my Lovely Daughter

My children have been dealing with a lot with their Father, the office, opening up the day care, taking care of their little sister, etc., they have a lot of responsibilities.  I love them dearly and am so very proud of them.  The feelings I have been having lately about them is guilt.  I have been feeling guilty about things I have done raising them alone, and I am having a hard time now forgiving myself.  Well, in going deep I just realized it does still bother me, the ways I feel I did hurt them, and need to forgive myself.  But how, how do we forgive ourselves and say it's okay when you know it is not?  Isn't that what I told my parents when I was in an argumentative environment?  Yes, I have forgiven my parents, and love them and know they did the best they could.

I haven't seen my daughter in awhile and just had lunch with her.  It did not go very well, as she ran out upset.  She seems to be pushing us away, feeling we are all against her.  She got mad at me for something and told me she is going to block my number and wants nothing to do with me or anyone else.  I don't know why she feels her family is against her, because we are not, we love her and are here for her always.  But, in this instance, I can see that there is nothing I can do but pull away and sit back and wait.  Wait to see if she reaches out to me or not.  If not, I will text her in a few days telling her I love her.
                                               

 What did I do to this family?  Why didn't I keep us all together, preaching oneness, preaching how important family is?  Why do I need this separation now to feel oneness?  It all doesn't make sense to me, even though I try to make sense of it all.  The hurt is hard to get through, the forgiveness too!  Forgiving ourselves, is loving ourselves, one of my new spiritual friends reminded me!  If I can forgive my parents for what they did to me, then I surely should be able to forgive myself.  I expect so much more from myself, I expected love all the time, to be able to respond in true love, not anger and hurt.  The ways I reacted back in anger was all about my anger, not the other persons as I thought for years.  I blamed them, and played the victim role, not realizing it was all about facing myself, facing my pain within.  I wish I knew that then, I wish I knew so much more, but I know, I am right where I should be, and things happened for a reason!  That gets old sometimes, I know, but I think it is true.
                                                  

I saw my son at work, and after speaking with him, he made me realize how much healthier I am in life now, calmer, more centered and not as mad and angry at the world. I was pretty hurt and angry for years, but didn't really see my anger, but saw my tears.  After our divorce I was in Court every year trying to get joint custody, and was mad and angry at my ex,  and bad mouthed him all the time.  How angry I was and didn't really see it.  I just felt so sad and so hurt.  Now I can see clearer, how angry I was toward the world.  Yes, I gave to others that I loved, and would open my heart up to everyone, but was still hurt and angry.

Now, I am sad what I have done to my family, my children, and especially my oldest daughter.  We were not good parents at all, and put our children through so much.  I want to make it all up to them, and become so financial abundant that I can treat them any way I want.  To go anywhere, anytime, and vacation, the Dude Ranch, etc.  And I want to be happy, truly happy and loved!
Namaste, Amen.