I have learned a new way to see this situation from a book called "Radical Forgiveness". It is that he was my biggest lesson. That we came here with contracts with each other to help further our growth. He was a mirror to me to teach me about myself, and to help me become whole. And, that I could have transformed that relationship by shifting my own feelings about it and be open to the love. We both closed off the love stream, and went into blaming and insulting each other. It was not fair to our children, for us not to be responsible enough to have gotten it together for them! For the three beautiful miracles we helped to create! And, we truly let them down, we couldn't even be their rock here on earth to turn to when they needed help. But, this is not the way this book explains how to see the situation, as I just explained. This is how I feel so many times too though, so I am being open to a new way of thinking and looking at it, after all it changed my life drastically, leaving him, and living alone like this now. I would still give anything to have not gotten divorced as crazy as that sounds. I know, I know, we were so angry at each other and there was so much turmoil, but if we came back to a place of love, unconditional love and understanding, we may have had it all. And now I feel as if I have nothing.
So, I lay in bed with past visions about my children when they were young. Things we did together as a family, things I did alone with them, there are so many memories I can't let them go. It makes me so sad to see these visions in my head again and again. I just want them back, I just want all of it back, why did it have to end up this way for me? All alone in this small apartment when all I wanted my entire life was my husband? He was the man of my dreams. We were best of friends and loved all the same things. He was the kindest, caring man when I met him. Yes, he did have a critical side to him, making jokes about our qualities that weren't very likable. His family was that way, always mocking you out for what they thought your "faults" were. I know none of us have any of those, to love myself for every way that I am, and accept it. But his family was pretty critical, I here it is a Norwegian trait, which their mother is.
I am having a really hard time now forgiving myself for all of this, and letting go of it. This is a tough and sad one. I feel I have nothing again, and no where to go. I feel if there is no hope for me and my ex, then I can't stay around here and need to leave. The "hope" I have had in my head on and off for ten years I realize, a hope that my kids say will never happen, so hard to let go of. It is sad to have lived my life raising my children alone with so much fighting and anger towards my ex. I see things so differently now that I am out of the situation and on my own now. When they were young and we first were divorced, it was tough. There was so much arguing, I guess we were all so hurt. So hurt to have your family break up, feeling so unsafe and disconnected. My ex was definitely my strength in my life, he was so strong and always there for me when I was hurt and upset. I felt so connected to him that when we weren't together when we were dating, I did not feel whole. He was my best friend, and my first love! And I ruined it all, threw it all away, the family we created, the family that is only ours.
What a terrible place I have been to. And I am not in much of a better place now, either. I am so unhappy with where I am in my life, like I said, this small apt., etc. I need to get out of here by the summer, I want to manifest a home on the water, the lake first, but it has to be filled with lots of loved ones in it too. I wish I could get to my ex, and he could open up his heart to forgive me, and let me back in. I have been sending him light all weekend, and have been doing a new technique I learned from one of my books. You think of the sun's soul, and take that bright light and bring it to you, and to another person you want to bond with, and then up to the light again. So, it's like a triangle of light, bright white light, moving from the sun's soul light, into me, into him, and back up. Hoping this will help in a healing for the both of us, to be able to at least come to a place of peace with each other and allow us to open up and talk. Yes, I still have this deep desire to talk to him, to look into his eyes and touch him and let him know how sorry I am for have hurting him so much. All I would need is time to look into his eyes, without saying a word, and he will know, I will now, and it will be okay.
I am in so much pain today, I suppose the pain has to do with me holding on, not being able to accept what is. So, I am going to hop into the tub. I have no idea what my day will bring today, I was going to run some flyers to the coffee shops so I can do some Angel Card Readings there, but don't have much positive energy today. I am sad today, so ready to quit all of this. I am open to receive the financial abundance I desire because I want the freedom to do and buy whatever I want, and I want to be able to pay all of my bills plus much more. I want my home on the lake to come any way you want to send it to me, along with a summer home on the beach as well. Thank you, I am grateful for all I have now, especially my three children.
Amen, Namaste, Love and light to all! <3
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