Wow, with so much preparation, it's hard to believe today is the day the girls move out. We woke up early, and they went and got a truck all by themselves, and we loaded it up. They left with the goods, all three of them, my daughters and my son, to go to their new home, their new breathe of life! I am so happy for them, so proud of them. To know they want this and can finally be free to fly, to make their own decisions in their life, without their Mother looking down their back.
My emotions are all over the place, from crying my eyes out, to being calm. I still had so much stuff left to pack, it seems never ending, every little thing needs to be out, and this house was pretty big for me. The house is 100 years old, and has four bedrooms. There are two living rooms in front of the house along with a foyer, and a large Dining Room, with a Sun room in the back of my house my son used the past year. The upstairs has a foyer with four bedrooms, and two baths. My bedroom was nice and large, along with an east window to have the magnificent sun greet me every morning it rises! My bedroom saved me here, the house is very dark and old feeling, with very dark paneling. I see how dark, ugly and creepy it is with nothing in it, I do not get good vibes in it at all. The only good in here was me and my family, and our animals. The house feels heavy and dark with no one in it. This is for sure the hardest part. I am sitting here now alone with the dogs, so they are not alone when the girls are moving all of their things. When they are finished they will come and get their dogs, and we will all go our way! Oh my, I think I will have a heart attack! This, for sure, will be one of the hardest days of my life, after loosing my children in Court ten years ago and having to live that way. I am so sad as I look back on my life here, here in this house and here in Bergen County. We destroyed ourselves and our family, my ex and I did, and now I have to accept this, let go, and move on. This is so very hard to do. I packed my ex a little envelop with our napkin from our Wedding Day, with a quote, "Today I will marry my best friend, the one I laugh with, live for, love!" I found a stack of them in the basement along with my Wedding Pictures. I found so many old pictures I had never gone through, and they made me cry. I also gave him a few pictures of me and the kids when they were small, and I wrote him a quick note of me being sorry for everything, and always caring about him. He was my life, my children and my family were, and I wish they still were. I wish we still were all together as a family. When I look at the marriages around me, mine was no worse than anyone else's. We did have so much love, yes at the end it was very faded and turned to wanting to hurt each other, but the love was intense and deep. And like I have said, no matter what I do, I still feel connected to him. I am trying to accept what happened to us, and let it go, wishing all of us love and peace. If our paths are meant to cross again, so be it, I am actually open to anything right now that the Universe has to offer me, knowing it is all for my highest good.
I am done raising my children, I have taken care of them as long as they needed, and now it's over on a daily basis. It should be interesting to see where all my energy will go now. I am concerned about working and making some money, but want to work as a Reiki Healer/Life Coach, and Angel Card Reader. I need to figure out how to have clients come to me, so I can do this type of work and not resort back to being a nanny.
Its now two oclock and I have been alone here all day. I have cleaned up the entire house. I am starting to panic, crying, needing to get out of here. I open the front door to take out the garbage and I hear the bell ring, the bell I will never hear ringing for Jake to go outside again. It breaks my heart and makes me cry. It's almost over, my daughter and son are on the way back soon to pick up her dog, Jake, and walk into her new life! I am so excited for them. If I stay focused on them, I feel much better.
I text my brother to remind him I am coming today, and he texts me back, "just for a few weeks, right?" What a nice welcoming, I start to cry, feeling I have no where to go, no where safe, wanted and loved. All alone, being all alone out there, with no one to live with, love and help care for, taking care of each other, scratching one anothers back. I am so very sad now, tears just rolling down. I am going to close up for now, can't bear this a minute longer!
Om Shante Om
Om Shante Om
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