A Happy Snow Day!!

I had an exhausting day yesterday, I don't know why.  I didn't leave work until 7:30 and went straight to see my son at work.  As I sat down, I realized how exhausted I was.  It was really nice to be with him though, because the place was so slow.  He just got a promotion as a shift manager, in charge of the shift when the Manager is not there.  It was so cute to see him responsible, I could see how different his attitude was, more serious.  We got to talk since it was slow, it's always nice to connect with him.  He is a very deep soul, loving the moon when he was only an infant.  I use to take him outside at night when he couldn't fall asleep, and he would stare at the moon, falling to sleep! And, his tattoo reminds him of his connection to it.

I stayed longer than I thought I would, for two hours, then had to leave because I was feeling so drained.  When I got home, I cried, and decided to just hop straight in bed.  That turned out to be a great decision, because when I woke up today I had a much more positive attitude.  I have not been happy when I get out of bed here yet, but once I get started I am feeling much better.

Today, I sat down in so much gratitude because it was snowing outside, and snowed throughout the night.  I love the snow even though I do not enjoy the cold.  My body has a hard time tolerating it, and I probably do not have the proper gear.  But the snow is beautiful, a healing and cleansing from above.  And after driving in the snow for my boss Tuesday and almost having a truck run me over, I vowed to myself to not venture to work in the snow again.  It took me an hour to get home, instead of fifteen minutes, and it was dangerous.  

                                 
So, the snow was falling, and I had a free day!  A free day to catch up, write, and get creative!  I decided to sit down at 9:00 and meditate, and that was the smartest thing I could do!  So many visions came to me, on what I have to do next on my path.  The first thing that came to me was to visit Teal Swan.  She gives private sessions, and has told me if I ever get to visit her, she wants to do a healing for me!  Wow, almost like a private invitation to the woman I love and respect so highly!  Ever since the first time I met her, I felt I would work with her some day, someway, somehow. I even expressed this to my son afterwards.  So, during meditation I realized how important it is to go see her, in Utah, in her home, to get more answers.  I had a dream when I arrived at her house, her attitude was, what the heck took you so long?  
                             
There aren't words for my feelings toward her, who she is, and the work she is doing here, because she truly is "out of this world"!! I love her! Thank you Teal, always!
Namaste to all, Amen!! 

Waking up Feeling Inspired and Positive for a Change!

So, as I sat at my desk today, my intuitions came.  The focus is on opening up my own Healing Center finally, like I have wanted to do for years.  The energy is moving fast, and so am I now.  I want to write my books and open a center, I wonder if I can do it all!  

But, when I read my Life Purpose Cards, I pulled the Author Card!! Yay!  That was so awesome to see, a reconfirmation in my first step ahead.  I keep questioning what to do first, and this was the best message and answer I could get, the one I am the happiest with!  As you know, I love to write, have been my whole life, and finally want to see a book published!  So, my next step is to get in touch with Hay House, and touch base with them about the adult book I have been writing, through my blog.  

And, for my children's books that need to be illustrated, I am going tonight to a painting class a woman I met holds in her home once a week.  I met her awhile ago, but haven't been able to get there yet.  But today is the day!  She said come with the book I wrote, and she will help me play around with it and see what we create!  I love art, always have, but 
illustrating is harder to me.  
                      

I am so excited I have finally reached out to the world, left my home, and wandered out.  How else can you meet connections if you are in all day?  Yes, I was very comfortable staying in my home with my children there, loving being a mom.  But, now they are gone, and I am alone here, and have to get out.  I started getting out to meet like minded souls, and now the Universe has sent me help.  Help to accomplish what I am here to do.  Today I am happy and blessed!  

Wow, Finally a New Awakening!

Thank you Universe!! I just realized how much I have to teach others! OMG, I am still shocked.  Now, I am starting to plan several lectures about what I have learned, and how it can help others on their path here in life now. Including Our Journey to Self Love, Young Living Essential Oils, Energy Medicine, and more!  This is a great start for now.  There are Awakening Fairs in the area that I will be able to give lectures in and have a booth in.  I am also going to reach out to the local energy healing centers here.  Now, I all I have to do is sit down, and come up with my plan of action.

So many things I want to accomplish, that its crazy to me!  Here is my list:
1. Illustrating and publishing my five children's books I wrote.
2. Publishing my book, "My Spiritual Journey to Self Love".
3. Spiritual Life Coach work which includes Angel Readings and Energy Healing.
4. Turning people on to Young Living Oils.
5. Teach children's yoga in places
6. Teach Energy Medicine classes, especially for the elderly

I know I have a huge list of what I want to do, and that makes it harder to focus on one, but I know the most important one on my list is publishing my books.  But, I want to help others too! I get off track of that so easy, because I want to do so much now.
                                                
I have a huge smile on my face now, after watching an interview from "Teal Swan".  And she always comforts me when I watch her, just feeling close to her, and the things she says is everything I want to know.  I resonate with just about everything she says.  Watching her reconfirms my acknowledgement of teaching, ready to teach, knowing I know enough.

I see a large shift in my energy again, and now I am ready to go, to own what I know and put it out there.  And then, my abundance will come, in every way and any way.  I am open to receive in any way the Universe wants to give it to me, I will not stop the flow of abundance by putting it into a box of what I think will be.  I am open to receive, I am open to receive, thank you!  We all need to say this and remind ourselves this.  So many women here are always giving to their families, that they forget to open up to receive on their own!  We are deserving, and guess what?  We need to feed ourselves first, not abandon our own needs and wants, before we give to others.  This is not selfish, this is self loving.
                                  ,

To find joy each day is our mission, our life path.  We are here to be happy, and expand, learn and grow.  The Universe does not even know what it wants, it learns through us, and what our wants and needs are.  This may come to a shock to you, but in my world it is not.  Source energy is expanding each day, as much as we are.  I never, ever knew this before, until last year when I met my Spiritual leader, mentor and soul sister, Teal Swan!  This was an amazing thought for me and very interesting.  It really gave me the power to realize, wow, I can do what I want.  The world is so open to all things, to whatever I want, I can have!  And all I have to do is ask, and not even know the "how", because the Universe takes care of that.
Now I just have to remember to do this every day!  Namaste, Amen!

My Experience with a new Healer

I had an appointment yesterday with the young man I met at Pandora Space the other day.  He did some different type of healing, working with reconnecting pain there is a brain, body connection that needs to be re programmed.  He was giving me a free 15 minute session which lasted an hour, which was so generous of him.  When he started to work on my neck, he asked me to hold it up as long as I could, and I did not want to even play around with it.  I know how sensitive my neck is, but I allowed him to do the work he felt would help.

When I came home, I became very sleepy and tired, so I laid down and rested.  As I woke up, I had severe neck pain, the type I get that leads me to vomit.  As the day went on it grew worse, and when I got home from work I was crying in pain.  I went to bed early, with tears rolling down my face, not believing that whatever was done to me could have caused me this much pain.  I woke up even worse, and I cried all morning the pain was so bad.  I couldn't understand how this happened, and was really confused over why this would happen to me now.
                                                        

 I took a hot bath, put peppermint all over my neck, and just rested and cried.  Until I had to drag myself to work.  It was a really tough time, and left me very sad.
When I am in that much pain, I cry about anything that is bothering me, and I do not like my life at all right now.  I cried about my life, I cried about why I have to keep living this way in pain.  I am tired, I am drained, I have no energy left to give myself as my body feels as if it is deteriorating in pain.

I have been looking for places to be able to do my work, and hold some lectures I want to hold for the essential oils, and I am creating a teenage/young adult support group.  I also would love a place to do Reiki as well.  So, after my treatment yesterday, I was interested in the large space to see how we could work together in helping with the healing of others.  So, I asked him how he found the space and he explained it was through Meet Up,  and the owner offered him the space.  I am aware of Meet Up, a great website to meet people who love things that you do.    We spoke about the Meet Up, but he didn't invite me to come to any, and I thought that was strange.  As we left the room the owner of the place arrive, and I was going to introduce myself to her, but he walked me right to the front door, sending me on my way.  I felt he didn't want me to communicate to her, if I was him I would have introduced my client to her.  No one else was there but us, and we are in a place of loving communion, but he didn't want us to connect for some reason.  Like I said, I would have loved to connect with her to talk to her about some type of work I can do in her space, hold an essential oil class, or a teen age support group, etc.

I was going to call him and tell him how badly my pain is now, but I did not want to hurt his feelings.  I was torn, because at the same time I felt he should know.  I wouldn't want this to happen to anyone else, and then he would become more aware of what some people are feeling, and maybe figure out how to prevent this in the future.  He really felt he had all the answers, and I loved that confidence about him, so young, so passionate about healing others, but I realized he did not know it all, and he is learning just like the rest of us.  I tend to admire other peoples gifts, and not my own.  I tend to put others on a pedestal, and should not, as I am as worthy as well.

But, it makes me realize I do have things to give to others, just like so many of us.  I have always wanted to help, care for, and heal others!  I have so many things I want to accomplish now, but I can't forget about my first dream in writing, and publishing my children's books, now.  Now, I will not put this off any longer, I need this to be my focus each day, asking God and the Universe to send people to me to help me accomplish this!  I need someone to help me illustrate my children's books, and my adult book I need to put as a priority!
Namaste all Day!!

My Daughter is Falling in Love...

Wow, Thank God something amazing is happening in my life!  My daughter, who just moved out a few months ago, is falling in love!  With a guy she met a few months ago when she reached out to find a trainer for her dog, a special trainer who works with dogs that have behavioral issues.  As she is a dog trainer herself, and always an animal freak, she ends up meeting a guy that has the same love for dogs!  How amazing is that?  I will never forget the first time we met him, and was in awe at his intelligence with dogs.  Energy, back to energy, everything goes back to that, even with training animals.  Because we are all energy, the animals, trees, etc.  We feel each other, and dogs feel our energy tremendously.  
                                                                                                          
Anyway, back to my daughter finding love, an unexpected love for sure!!  When me met, I liked him right away, he spoke to us a long time (maybe because he liked my daughter right away and didn't know!).  He took the time to explain everything to us about how he was going to take care of her dog, and asked us if we had any questions. I explained to him how she loved animals ever since she was born, and how she helped deliver the kittens when she was only seven years old. 

 As we drove away, I told my daughter right away how cute he was, but she had a different opinion.  Hmm, okay, you never know, I said to myself.   Here is a guy we just met, that was trained by Ceasar Millan, the dog whisper guy from television show that we love, wow this is great!  She found him because we have so much respect for Ceasar, he is a genius with dogs, and this gentleman trained under him for some time.  It is harder to find a trainer who handles behavior issues and not just training them.  They have so much in common, his feelings for dogs is just like my daughter, major passion!  He was so smart, so intelligent, and had a good sense of self.  We felt really comfortable, safe and secure as we left Jake there, knowing he was in safe hands.  

My daughter saw him a few times while he was training her dog. and they got along great, and she was impressed with his knowledge as well.  After his training was done, he still wanted to see my daughter and asked her out for drinks.  Wow, I said to myself, I think he must like her.  My daughter kept insisting she wasn't looking for a relationship with him because she wants to be able to talk to him about her dog anytime, and keep it professional. Okay, I went with that.  But as each weekend came, she would see him and they would go out to dinner.  He is an amazing man, and treats her wonderful.  I kept saying how perfect he is, how he has the same morals and values as I do, by the advice he gives her. 

 But then, there was a time a few weeks ago, I could tell she was falling for him.  It is so exciting to see anyone, especially your daughter, feeling so happy and joyous to have someone in your life that you truly care about, and cares about you.  Your face just lights up, as hers started to do when she spoke about him, another sure sign!  This is new for our family, neither of my daughters have truly had a boyfriend, and I haven't had a man in my life for five years!  So, yes I am so excited about this, and love just spreads.  It spreads to everyone around, and comforts us, and brings more love to us and out of us.  I love going to that place with another, it takes you out of this reality, and puts you in a place of love, bliss, and true connection.  To connect with someone that deep, gives us so much love and support, making life a lot more easier to handle.  And much more fun!! 

Feeling so joyous and happy for her today, here comes love! <3 

Meeting Another New Friend!

My new friend invited me to a "Sound Healing" class this morning, and although it was 12 degrees I still went!  I am so glad I did because it was so beautiful, calming a peaceful.  The healing bowls are beautiful.  It is easier for me to just lay down, relax, and surrender to the music.  I do not have to think about anything, nor do I have to push my thoughts away, because I am just relaxing and enjoying the music.  And the amazing benefit of healing your body, soul and mind, they raise your vibration and energy.   My workshops with Teal Swan keep my energy high, but I haven't been to one in awhile due to my funds.
 

After the class, we all talked for some time, and I connected strongly with another person, a young gentleman who is a healer as well.  I was talking to him about the children's books I wrote, and he was really cool about it.  I explained how big this was for me to even talk to him about it, and he said he loved the passion I had towards my books and helping in healing the children.  He also said now that I am expressing my books to others, it will happen.  Yes, I see that by putting it out to the Universe by expressing this to others, brings it to me, of course!  Because I am "owning it", finally, and putting it out there for the Universe to do it's work, the "how" that I do not have to answer!  How awesome is that to live in a Universe that we can have what we truly want, all we have to do is think it and believe it, and it is sent to us as a gift.  Not even a gift, because this is a Universal Law.  We do not need to know the how, all we have to do is ask and believe and it will come.  The problem is most people think we are the ones that have to figure out the how, who else will?  This is the way I use to think before I found my Spiritual Mentor/Leader Teal Swan!  She has taught me that we are here to follow our joy, and we have the power to create our own reality and manifest all we want.  Freaking Love you Teal!! <3

The three of us decided to hang out for a bit and grabbed a bite to eat.  Talking with them was awesome, we all seem to have the same vision, all about helping to heal others.  We were discussing healing centers, and workshops, all to help and empower others.  The visions, and energy my new girlfriend has is amazing, and they were both a joy to be around.  After so much talking my head was spinning, because there was so much to talk about, so many visions my new friend had.  It was hard to focus on one project, one vision, because she is like me with having so many ideas to help heal others.  It was a joy and a pleasure to be around others with the excitement and passion that I have to help heal others.  I am grateful, thank you God, and the Universe! The synergy we created was great.

The young gentlemen does some type of healing work, something I have never heard of, and offered me a free session when I spoke to him about my pain.  He is very far on his path already, only in his young twenties.

I am grateful things are changing for me, and excited to see what comes next, like my book getting illustrated and published, along with my other book being published as well!
Always try to follow your dreams.  Dream great dreams, make them come true! Namaste!

Saturday before my Birthday

I did make plans today to see two of my sister in laws, my one girlfriend, and my two daughters for dinner tonight for my birthday. I felt so stranded after the move, and realized how much more support I needed and didn't have.  It was only my niece, her boyfriend and I, and I usually do not lift anything.  But this time, we all worked our butts off, and they are not use to moving like my children and I are.  The three of us were so tired by 7:00 pm, we couldn't even carry the rest of the boxes up the stairs, having to leave them for my son when he came.  

I was confused as to why my children didn't want to help this time, but I think they are so drained from everything, and feel they just can't deal with it now.  I have to respect that and try to understand and not take it personally as I always do.  But, it is hard, when I woke up on Sunday with a house filled with boxes and being all alone made me break down in tears. This is too much, too much for me to deal with, unpacking and having to live alone.  
                                           

Why do I feel I have not many people in my life who support me?  Why do I feel I would always be there for them, and it is not reciprocated?  Ughh, I love them all so much, and I know everyone cares and is so busy, but I am feeling so alone and unsupported now.  
I started packing my home in October and that was so draining emotional, and I did it all alone.  I was so sad, and had no one there to help me through that.   I do not want to do stuff like this alone anymore,  I am asking God and the Universe to send me people in my life who can help support me.  To be left alone, here in this new space, alone without my children, and alone to unpack along with my body suffering so much in pain, is almost too much for me to take care of.  Unpacking takes days, and it is physically and emotionally draining. My body is aching, the spasms in my upper back never seem to go away, I wake up crying in tears from the pain, and go to bed the same way. I feel so alone, with no support or help around.  

But, I am going to see my two sister in laws and best friend for dinner tonight for my birthday, along with my daughters.  I planned this myself, which is a first and plan on doing this every year.  I usually am with my children, but forget about enjoying dinner with my friends too.  It is a good day to have plans for yourself and to look forward to a fun loving night with my family!  Thank you for this.  

It is awesome to have my own place, I just can't enjoy it yet due to all this pain my body is feeling.  I went out and bought three huge plants for only $12 each, and they transformed the entire place.  They are my friends now, they will provide me with unconditional love and support each and every day!  
Namaste 

My Kirtan Experience

Wow, I woke up so bummed, I barely wanted to get out of bed.  I have been feeling so alone, so without my family that I created, crying over it for days, and today was no different.  I woke up crying, this time wanting my family back.  The only family I created here on this earth, my three children, my ex, and his little girl who's spirit I already know.  I ask myself why I would ever give up what I could have had, to end up here, like this, alone, in this small space.  I cry on and off.  
Then, as I sat down, I remembered I had plans today.  Plans to attend a grand opening to a new healing center in Montclair, run by a Shaman.  There was going to be music, lots of music with drums and rattles, for healing and Shamantic Journey's and a Kirtan.  As I started out around 1:00, I approached snow the closer I got.  I kept telling myself to turn around, but never did.  I had to drive pretty slow due to the snow, and normally would never go out in this weather, but I told myself I would not stay long.
When I arrived, the owner was very nice and friendly.  I was cleansed with sage, and I already felt better, calmer, more relaxed and centered.  The day was delightful, the music was exhilarating, and so uplifting.  I had so much fun, it was beautiful.  I sang just about the entire time, and even got up and danced.  We had a really nice time, and I met a new friend.  An Irish young woman, a Leprechaun I am sure!  She reached out to me, and we sat next to each other most of the day.  
We did a Shamanic Journey, and I had visions of having to choose between my ex and my children, who were on my right, or Teal and my soul family.  Teal was pulling me to come with her, and as I looked at my family they were not pulling me.  They were there, content without me.  It was probably not what I wanted to see, as I still feel so attached to my children and ex, and so wish we were still all together.  Some days it hurts so much I cry and feel I can't even move ahead.  How can I when I want what I had back?  

Anyway, I stayed for hours, but left before it got dark due to the snow.  But when I left it was already too late, the snow was everywhere, and I do not like to drive in the snow.  So, I took a deep breath, relaxed and took my time home.  I had to get on the Parkway, and that was not safe.  There was snow everywhere, cars everywhere, and you could not see the lines in the street.  But, I stayed calm and finally arrive home safe.  A man slid in front of my on the highway, and I was glad I was far away from him and could slow down.

Love and Light ~ 

Thank You Universe for Sending Me a New Friend!

I found a new friend, or she found me!  I am so thrilled.  We met Saturday at the new Shamanic Healing Center I found on Meet Up.  She touched base with me yesterday and wanted to meet, so we had tea after I worked.  We had so much to talk about, our lives, our journey, our visions ahead, and she is amazing!  She has such amazing visions of what she wants to do to help heal others like me, she is a lightworker and I love her!  We could have talked for ever, but I had to get home to talk to my BFF soul sister, Irina!  

I got home around 8:00, and got to talk to Irina, we were going to Skype, but my computer had issues, so we finally Face Talked.  Just to see her is amazing!  I love her so much, and worry about her so.  She's like my little girl, although she is in her twenties.  She jumped right into my heart the day I met her, and she never left.  She has had a really tough childhood and needs love.  She needs to know she is loved, and she is a wonderful, loving soul.  We tell her all the time, but as we all know, it's about believing it and feeling worthy of ourselves.  She was my little sister in a past life, and probably many in many other life times as well.  When she "sees" me, she is so sweet, her heart melts, and she tells me how nice it is to see me, how I make her feel better!  And I tell her, guess what?  That is exactly how 
she makes me feel! 
 This is what life is about, about connecting with other souls like this, instantly loving each other, and knowing we were together before, and are meant to reunite again.  With our love for ourselves, and one another, we raise the energy and consciousness of the world.  Every single one of us matters, because what we do to each other we do to ourselves.  We are so one.  And, when just one of us feels better, shines their light a little more, it affects the entire whole!  It is so amazing to be conscious and aware of this, it changes everything.  Most of the people I know are not really aware of this, but this will change as well.  We are awakening as a species here on earth, and it is not going to stop.  It is going to grow so much, that the earth will find a place of true love.  True love and joy is our gift here, we just have to remember that.  Our childhoods crushed us, but we are getting through that as well.  We are healing ourselves, dealing with our past and moving ahead.  

I had an awesome day and am feeling so much better, thanks to my new friend and my old soul sister!  I am grateful for my son encouraging me to reach out to others, and I have told myself I need to find support here in the world, and be with like minded souls.  And, it is starting to happen.  It is so nice to find a new friend, like a treasure, and some new communities to belong to.

I am happy today, happier than I have been in weeks, and I am grateful.  Thank you to the Universe for sending me a beautiful, new friend, and for finding new places to join in with like minded souls, healers, and high energy beings!

Namaste all Day!!

Sunday Dinner with My Children, my Family

This morning was strange when I woke up at 6:30 and stayed awake.  The gathering yesterday really recharged my soul, I feel 100 x better for today.  That energy I get when I come home from a Teal Swan event, is what I want all the time.  I do not understand why our energy gets so low, so drained, we get so depressed.  I feel so much more connected to Source and to my Guides, and I am so grateful for that!

I was excited because my children are coming over for dinner, so I need to get to the store and buy some food.  I am going to make two soups butternut squash, and chicken soup.  Why?  Because my son eats meat, and doesn't like the butternut, and my daughter and I eat the butternut.  It was fun and exciting to prepare for them to come, it kept me busy the entire day.  Now when I cook I cook with pure love, I think loving thoughts and bless the food.  It is such a different way to cook, to be in the present and appreciate I have loved ones to cook for.  I am grateful for this.

We had a really wonderful day, the small apartment was filled with the five of us, my three children, a friend, and me.  I loved having them here, we talked all day.  My daughter needed some help with something on the computer, "Go fund me", to try to collect funds to go to a Cesar Millan event.  My son and his friend were on time, and the girls came later, but it was nice to be alone with them for awhile.  His friend is having a hard time with her mom right now, so it was good that we could talk about it.  So many young adults are suffering nowadays, so I love to be a help if I can to even just be an ear for them to talk to, knowing they have some support.

After they left I was really happy, thrilled to spend the day with them.
I love them so much, they are my life.  I need others in my life now though, because they have flown away to grow now, to take their own path.
This is still really hard for me, each day I feel so differently.

Blessings to all ~

Wow, Some New Awakenings for me of Pain and Sadness!

I woke up sad again today and totally out of it.  Yesterday I had thoughts of my existence.  Like what my life has turned into this moment, today.  Living in this small apartment, working as a Nanny still when I know I could be doing so much more!  What a life this is, not one I enjoy at all or even like.  
I put myself in a very vulnerable place when I did not have my own apartment to go to in November when the girls moved out.  That was my first major, depressing set back.  But, at the time I wasn't 100 % focused on getting my own place.  I was worried and confused about being alone, and thought of maybe just living with one of my brothers.  Foolish thought, because it became a reality, a very sad, depressing time of my life.  So yes, I did get out of there, I did decide to move back up North because that feels more like home to me, and I did get my own one bedroom apartment.  
But, now, only after two weeks, I want more, realize I still have nothing, nothing meaning nothing I truly want.  I am not following my joy, I am not being self loving.  I have accepted a job I know I can do that brings in money to pay the bills, but this job isn't even going to be enough for me, I realize now, and I am seriously stuck having to make more cash ASAP to pay for March rent.  I will have to look on my Nanny sites again and apply for some morning jobs.
I wish I could just do the other work I am here to do, I have been focusing on it, all of my "spiritual work", putting it out to the Universe, and waiting for the Universe to send me clients, send me work in the are I am needed and meant to be.  But, that has not happened yet, and I don't have all the answers.
Yesterday I had thoughts of not accepting this life now, I could never settle for a job and home I am not truly happy in, and not serving my purpose.  I have had these deep, serious feelings of working for Teal.  After I read they just hired an Administrative Assistant, a job I almost applied for, but wasn't ready to pick up and move to Utah, where she lives.  But, now I am seriously considering if I would ever move to Utah to work with her, that is of course if she will have me!  After the first time I met Teal Swan, and she signed her book and gave me a hug, I whispered in her ear, I feel like I have known you forever, and she responded back, "You have"!  I came home and told my son I know I will be working for her some day.  I just had that intuitive feeling, and maybe it is true.  I am an Aquarian and have always been deep, deeper than others, and did not know many who questioned life and the Universe as I did.  I know I am also here to teach, and help in the Spiritual world.  So, with this new vision I am having, I will have to see where it takes me.
On another note, I woke up early at 7:00 today and could not go back to sleep.  My body was aching in pain as it still is daily, and I decided to listen to some meditations from Teal Swan.  After I listened to two, I fell back asleep and had some crazy dreams.
I had a dream about my soul family going to the beach, and in my dream was my ex along with his wife.  When I saw him and her, I ran away because I saw that his belly was huge, and it actually scared me away!  I have been thinking of him so much lately, sending him love and light because I know he is having a hard time, and also telling him how much I still love him and miss him.  Why am I still having these feelings after all the pain I have been through with him, and why haven't I been able to move on?  My Shaman told me the love I feel about missing him, is only a fraction of the love that is out there for us from the Universe and God!! Well then, what the hell is going on with me?  How much more pain, sadness, and feeling alone do I have to do and go through to be part of a family again that I want so much?
To live alone for me is like death, like you are slowly dying inside, with no one around to care.  With no one to say "Good Morning", or "Good Night".  It is so sad for me, beyond what I even imagined.  The first two weeks were great to have my own place, and now reality has set in.  Sadness, pain, so much I don't even know what to do with it all.  How many times do I have to go back to my child hood and heal my inner child?  How many different feelings of sadness will I get until it is all over?  I am so done, done with all of this, I don't know where to go or what to do.  My husband and I were going to build a 7,000 square feet Castle on four acres of land he bought, and we couldn't even focus on our dream, no we were caught up in hurting each other so much, because we were in so much pain ourselves that we did not see.  I see things so differently now, and I wish more than anything that we did create that.  And now, I have left myself creating a small apartment, all alone, without any family around, and family is what kept me in existence!  Without family around, living alone, is almost like, what is the point of being here and living??
Namaste

Learning how to Live Alone

I now realize I have no desire to live alone.  I do not know how people actually enjoy it, bless their hearts!  I love my time alone, but love people around me, I always have being raised with six brothers.  And raising my children with their eight cousins, which consisted of two sets of multiples, on twins, the other triplets.  I use to love the craziness of people around, now I like the calmness of them around, but I sill love them around.

My dream is to have a home on the water, filled with loved ones, not just me.  My extension of life, the energy of others around, is a gift for me now.  A gift because I do not have it, a desire that I want now.  I am ready for a relationship with a loving, kind man, who already is a father and has children.  I am ready to commit to someone and spend the rest of my life here with them.  My Romance Cards read that I need to trust that I am where I need to be and it will come.  Love will come when you love yourself and open your heart to love. 


I have been getting that feeling of awful pain and sadness, that pain where I want to get sick and feel I can not get through one more moment.  The pain is about not having the family I want and love in my life, the family which was my ex, and my children.  I feel as if I gave up on everyone, I let the marriage crumble, gave up, ran away, and didn't let anyone in.  I was in so much pain, I blamed everyone else for my pain, and couldn't see it within.  I see that now, and paid a large price for it, I lost my family, the only family I love and want, ever.  I look at everyone I know who is married, and look at their relationship and see how not perfect it is, but they made a commitment to stay together, and still love each other, working through it all.

It makes me feel like where did I go wrong?  What did I do so wrong to have to end up here alone?  I know I am not ending up here, because this is just a start.  A new start again, to push ahead in my life, to go with the flow with the purpose of my life.  A much larger thing than doing the work I do now as a nanny, needing to reach so many children and people.  I see how much I am cutting myself short of my income, and self worth.  There are so many other things I am meant to do, the Spiritual work, Children's Yoga, my books, etc.  and that needs to happen now.  No more waiting, my children are gone, I am alone, and it needs to get done.  Universe, show me the way to get there, send me connections now, and I will look for the synchronicity along the way.  

My pain is still always there, I wish the pain was gone, it seems as if changing my life did not help my pain one bit.  I still suffer so.  I did find a new avenue for healing, a Medical Astrologer that also does spagyric's, a new word for me which is an herbal medicine.  I spoke to the gentleman who does this work, and he was highly intelligent.  So, as soon as I get the extra funds for this, I will call him and get started.  I have to wing it with finances, and hope and pray the Universe sends me more and more each day, to pay my bills easily and have an abundance for anything else I want or need!  

I wish I had all the answers, and was happy all the time.  Happy, joyful, content, with the love I want, which is loved ones around me, which are my children, my family, and a wonderful man by my side.  But I am willing to accept where I am, and not resist it, trying to remember deep in my heart, that I am exactly where I am suppose to be.  Here, right here, right now, just here, trying to be in the moment and feeling it all out!
Love to you always!! 

Valentine's Day!

Even though I do not have a partner currently, Valentine's Day is still a day to Love and enjoy, to Love yourself, and appreciate everyone in your life, like your three beautiful children.  My son was working at Starbucks, so I decided to see him in the morning for some tea.  My daughters met me there, and I didn't realize they were meeting me because it was Valentine's Day and they had a rose for me!  So sweet, I was actually surprised and touched!  My son was happy too, it was wonderful to be around all three of them again, as these times are rare now.  We had the opportunity to catch up on things, and my heart was filled with the love and connection I need from my children now, living without them.  The girls left, and I stayed awhile longer with my son.  I bought them some socks and small boxes of candies, which I forgot to bring because I ran out without stopping to think and ground myself first.  

After coming home I decided to make some rice pudding for myself, and some banana bread!  Two special treats for Valentine's Day.  This was the first time ever making rice pudding, but have wanted to for awhile.  I used the crock pot, so I did not have to worry about watching it on the stove. The pudding turned out a little bland, but tasted much better when I added Agave to my bowl.  The Banana Muffins burnt, because I wasn't watching them closely enough, and never baked in this oven before.  This oven is very hot, and bakes things very fast.  But, I did have a loaf in the oven as well, and that came out perfectly.  The Banana Bread is gluten free, that is why I like to bake more now also, so I can have certain foods gluten free.  

After baking, I sat down to paint.  I have been so creative since I have been here, which is only two weeks.  It seems to put me in a good place, one where I do not have to worry about the future, just being in the creative moment feels good.  The canvas that I was going to pain a Sunflower on, transformed into a winter scene.  I have been wanting to pain some winter scenes, something I haven't even drawn.  I always draw the same themes, flowers, trees, and hearts.  So, I sat down and painted two trees in a snow storm.  I painted two innately, and then realized that was a good thing, because in Fung Shui, if I want to be with someone, everything should be seen in pairs, and usually I only draw one tree! 

I woke up sad again today missing my children, missing my family that I gave up.  I am feeling I am here, alone, because of the choices I made in the past by leaving my husband and loosing my children as I did.  I cried for years over them not being with me every single day, and not being allowed to sleep at my home during the School week.  These feelings bring me back to there, to loosing my family, and being alone, and wanting nothing else in this world but my family back.  I am so not complete, so not whole, wondering how this is exactly where I need to be in my growth.  Because this is not where I want to be at all, without my family, without a family, totally alone.  

So, what do I do now?  How do I find another family?  Will the Universe send it to me?  Do I just put out what I want because we can all manifest anything, and allow the Universe to bring it to me?  Well, this I can do, it seems easy enough, and it is free, so I can go with it!  We are not suppose to ask "how", that is the Universe's job, not ours!  That just makes it 100 times easier I say.  Just ask for what I want, put it out there, and it shall come, just because that is how it works.  Just because that is one of the laws of the Universe.  And, when we let it go, we tap into the constant flow of energy in the world, that Source Energy, and it is like traveling down the stream of non resistance, not running against it!
Love and Light sent your way, today and always be free!! 

Feeling Very Alone, Like I Ran Away From My Family!

This is terrible, horrible, all day I am feeling as if I lost my family, the same feelings I had when my ex and I broke up, and I was left days without my children, without my family I yearned for my entire life.  I wanted children when I was 18 years old, and didn't have them until 31 years old!  And then, when we broke up, my family fell apart, and I lost them.  So I cried a lot today, on and off, and am trying to find the root of my feelings, Upset, set up.  The Universe is setting me up to fill in that space with love, to find that hole that is there, that needs to be loved.  That hole from childhood, and this one is harder to find for me.  I feel I have no family, it is gone, and I gave it away.  It was my choice to cut it open, tear it apart, and keep it apart, my family, the one I will only ever have.  How as a child did I feel I had no family?  I do remember sleeping out all the time, as soon as I was old enough to, I suppose wanting to stay out of my home, not feeling safe.  I do remember having my Baby Shower there, and wanting to vomit when I saw everyone in my home, the home I did not like at all.
Such a roller coaster ride I have been on, some days I feel so great, and others I do not!  How do we go from feeling so low, to so high in the matter of a day??  Boy, I wish I had all the answers.  I have been searching since I have been in seventh grade, but lost my way searching because there was no one I could find that could teach me what I wanted to know, then I forgot.  

Forgot to trust in God and the Universe, forgot to have total faith that it would all be okay.  I even had this type of faith when I was married and my children were young, that everything would be okay.  My ex even use to tell me when we first met and I would be upset about something, "Don't worry, everything will be okay".  And that comforted me so much.  It's so crazy to have a bond that close with someone you loved so much and had so many lifetimes with, to have no contact with them at all.  He was such a jerk that he blocked my phone number a few years after we divorced and it was really sad that we couldn't be able to communicate for the children's sake.  He is so sick and unhealthy now that it is terribly sad, and breaking my children's heart.  He has a two year old daughter that he needs to be there for, because the mother is not.  That is another story that I do not want to get into now, all I can do is pray for them and bless them with the white light any time I can.  

Blessings to all!!

Sad Waking up Alone, Again

I am not happy waking up alone today, realizing I really want to live with someone, with a honey, an awesome, kind, loving giving man.  Waking up alone is so lonely.  All of these new feelings are going through me, now that I feel "safe" here and am settling in.  Now I do not have to concentrate on finding a place to live, so my mind is free in other ways. I have been going to be late, and waking somewhat later, but still feeling so tired and in pain.  I wonder when it will all end, the feelings I have of loneliness, and the pain in my body.  I really need some girlfriends too, I wish I could call a friend and have them come visit me today, its a day I need to connect with someone, someone close to me that I love.  
 I wonder why it is always about the money.  I still have to figure out how to make more money this month, to be able to pay all of my bills.  No, I am not worried yet, but I just know I need to focus on other ways to bring in financial abundance.  I realize now this place is too small for me, and I do not like to live on top of the landlords, I can hear everything they say, they wouldn't allow my daughter to bring her dog over for a small time, and other things bother me.  I laugh as it seems as each place I get to, brings forth new desires, larger and bigger than before!  So, that is pretty cool, because I have been manifesting all of it.  I now want my large home, my beautiful home on the water, filled with loved ones.  I am not going to ask how, I am just saying that I can not live here for very long, only a few months, and want my home on the water now.  Now as in this year, now as in a few months, and how this will happen I do not know, and I will not ask!                            


I am going to create a flyer first for Oracle Card Readings, and try to offer this service at local Coffee Shops weekly or monthly.  This is something I can control, and work weekend nights, and truly help others, along with helping myself creating financial abundance. 

I also want to teach some children's yoga classes somewhere.  Either running my own class in a facility somewhere, or at some Nursery Schools.  I need to make a flyer for this as well, and drop it off at some Nursery Schools.

And the energy work, and Donna Eden Energy work I learned as well, I want to get out there.  I thought of going to a Chiropractor and asking to borrow their space from 1:00 - 3:00 while they close for lunch.  And, they can also advertise for me at their office as a new service they are providing.  Okay, Universe, I am leaving it for you to decide, which is the first I should do, that will bring in instant money to pay my bills, and money to buy a beautiful home for myself this year.  
If the Universe knows my wants, and I do not have to know the "hows", then I should be able to sit back and watch it all happen.  I should be able to watch my books being published, a publisher should just pop into my life, because that is how this Universe works, it's called, synchronicity.  People walk into your life for reasons, to help you accomplish your goals, the desires you set out.  I have plenty of desires, sometimes I feel too many because I can not concentrate on all of them at once.  My first dream now, is to publish the books I have created, my children's book, and the adult book I am working on by blogging constantly.  My adult book is, "My Spiritual Journey to Self Love".  The book is positive, well sort of.  My emotions have been up and down, so that is what you will find.  A positive outlook on realizing I can create my future and what I want.  Along with the sadness, and tears, of the feelings going on within myself.

So, here I go on my way to create my future now!! Wishing you peace and love always! 

My Birthday Dinner with my Other Family!

Still waking up in so much pain, boy, what a bummer!  As soon as I walk out the door I don't focus on it, but it is starting to worry me about what to do and how to keep handling it.  I suppose I do have new avenues that I have found, the gentleman who does "Spagyric Medical Astrology", something I have never heard of.  Speaking to him on the phone, he is a genius, speaking about things I have never heard of.  He even explained that our cells have spirits! Wow, really heavy stuff, and I did not understand all of what he said either.  

I went to see my family last night for my Birthday!  They had me over for my Birthday, and it was so awesome to see them, boy, did they fill my heart with so much love and joy, which I really needed now.  This is the family I use to care for, but there are four wonderful, loving children, both of their mothers, and I even was close to the grand parents, who were even there!  It was so nice, so filling, I am so Blessed to have them in my life.  Now that I started working back in the same town, I miss them even more!  The children all made hand made cards for me, and the two oldest girls made me a nice, long, special card with rainbows, and "I love you's"!  Feeling so loved!  Wow, I realized I do feel disconnected from my daughters more and more each day, and they have just filled this void.  Another family to love and support me, that are there for me, as long as I stay open to them, and connected, they are there!  Thank you Universe for sending them into my life, I am so loved by those children, my heart is now full with that void, making me realize there was a void there in the first place.  I did not realize how I was feeling, until my heart was filled with their love.

I have left the rest of my things to unpack, too drained to even look at the bins in my bedroom now.  I need a queen mattress, as I had to throw my old one out, which was the one I bought for Cassie over ten years ago.  Because I do not have the funds now to buy a new mattress, I am sleeping on a twin on top of the queen size box spring.  I am grateful to even have that mattress now, but it will be nice when I can put my bed together, you know how us women love our beds!  And, my daughters bought me a new comforter for Christmas and I have not had the opportunity to use it yet.  It will be a nice gift, to be laying in my new bed with a new mattress, and bedding set.  Boy, the things I am grateful for now are so different.  My life has changed drastically, along with my emotions.  What a way to recharge and restart your life, by totally pulling the plug on the other one by moving, and going elsewhere to set up and recharge.  I do not like moving at all, my dream is to buy a home on the water, and stay there forever.  I will have other homes in other places, but to have one home base near my children to enjoy my grandchildren in, will be beautiful.

I now feel ready to receive a man.  Someone who is like me, and has my belief system in the Spiritual world.  He will probably be a healer.  I was watching my holistic channel and a woman was on explaining fung shui.  She explained how the bedroom should be set up with everything in pairs, pairs, romance, nothing alone.  She paired up two red candles, along with two pink heart crystals on the woman's dresser.  So, I went into my bedroom and made pairs of my crystals, and my Angels.  Let's see if it helps.  And, being open to receive, open to receive the love that everyone is giving me now.  I feel that love so much, and when I feel it in my heart tears run down my heart, because I have feelings of not deserving the love coming to me.  I am now aware of what is happening, so I can allow myself to embrace it, but there were times for years I had no idea how to help heal myself.  I also will do some inner child work, using Teal Swan's Video, "Healing the Emotional Body", where she explains how all of our sadness stems from our childhood, and we can to go back to the source of where those painful feelings are arising from, to finally integrate them, and then they float away on their own.  All by comforting you inner child, that was so hurt in childhood.

Sometimes it just seems like so much work, all of it.  Then I realize, what else is there than to get healthy so I can enjoy the rest of my time here and create the future that I want?  Then, I know it is all worth it.

I wish you love and blessings always, and hope we all find peace on this earth!

Namaste all Day!