My dream is to have a home on the water, filled with loved ones, not just me. My extension of life, the energy of others around, is a gift for me now. A gift because I do not have it, a desire that I want now. I am ready for a relationship with a loving, kind man, who already is a father and has children. I am ready to commit to someone and spend the rest of my life here with them. My Romance Cards read that I need to trust that I am where I need to be and it will come. Love will come when you love yourself and open your heart to love.
I have been getting that feeling of awful pain and sadness, that pain where I want to get sick and feel I can not get through one more moment. The pain is about not having the family I want and love in my life, the family which was my ex, and my children. I feel as if I gave up on everyone, I let the marriage crumble, gave up, ran away, and didn't let anyone in. I was in so much pain, I blamed everyone else for my pain, and couldn't see it within. I see that now, and paid a large price for it, I lost my family, the only family I love and want, ever. I look at everyone I know who is married, and look at their relationship and see how not perfect it is, but they made a commitment to stay together, and still love each other, working through it all.
It makes me feel like where did I go wrong? What did I do so wrong to have to end up here alone? I know I am not ending up here, because this is just a start. A new start again, to push ahead in my life, to go with the flow with the purpose of my life. A much larger thing than doing the work I do now as a nanny, needing to reach so many children and people. I see how much I am cutting myself short of my income, and self worth. There are so many other things I am meant to do, the Spiritual work, Children's Yoga, my books, etc. and that needs to happen now. No more waiting, my children are gone, I am alone, and it needs to get done. Universe, show me the way to get there, send me connections now, and I will look for the synchronicity along the way.
My pain is still always there, I wish the pain was gone, it seems as if changing my life did not help my pain one bit. I still suffer so. I did find a new avenue for healing, a Medical Astrologer that also does spagyric's, a new word for me which is an herbal medicine. I spoke to the gentleman who does this work, and he was highly intelligent. So, as soon as I get the extra funds for this, I will call him and get started. I have to wing it with finances, and hope and pray the Universe sends me more and more each day, to pay my bills easily and have an abundance for anything else I want or need!
I wish I had all the answers, and was happy all the time. Happy, joyful, content, with the love I want, which is loved ones around me, which are my children, my family, and a wonderful man by my side. But I am willing to accept where I am, and not resist it, trying to remember deep in my heart, that I am exactly where I am suppose to be. Here, right here, right now, just here, trying to be in the moment and feeling it all out!
Love to you always!!
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