I woke up sad again today and totally out of it. Yesterday I had thoughts of my existence. Like what my life has turned into this moment, today. Living in this small apartment, working as a Nanny still when I know I could be doing so much more! What a life this is, not one I enjoy at all or even like.
I put myself in a very vulnerable place when I did not have my own apartment to go to in November when the girls moved out. That was my first major, depressing set back. But, at the time I wasn't 100 % focused on getting my own place. I was worried and confused about being alone, and thought of maybe just living with one of my brothers. Foolish thought, because it became a reality, a very sad, depressing time of my life. So yes, I did get out of there, I did decide to move back up North because that feels more like home to me, and I did get my own one bedroom apartment.
But, now, only after two weeks, I want more, realize I still have nothing, nothing meaning nothing I truly want. I am not following my joy, I am not being self loving. I have accepted a job I know I can do that brings in money to pay the bills, but this job isn't even going to be enough for me, I realize now, and I am seriously stuck having to make more cash ASAP to pay for March rent. I will have to look on my Nanny sites again and apply for some morning jobs.
I wish I could just do the other work I am here to do, I have been focusing on it, all of my "spiritual work", putting it out to the Universe, and waiting for the Universe to send me clients, send me work in the are I am needed and meant to be. But, that has not happened yet, and I don't have all the answers.
Yesterday I had thoughts of not accepting this life now, I could never settle for a job and home I am not truly happy in, and not serving my purpose. I have had these deep, serious feelings of working for Teal. After I read they just hired an Administrative Assistant, a job I almost applied for, but wasn't ready to pick up and move to Utah, where she lives. But, now I am seriously considering if I would ever move to Utah to work with her, that is of course if she will have me! After the first time I met Teal Swan, and she signed her book and gave me a hug, I whispered in her ear, I feel like I have known you forever, and she responded back, "You have"! I came home and told my son I know I will be working for her some day. I just had that intuitive feeling, and maybe it is true. I am an Aquarian and have always been deep, deeper than others, and did not know many who questioned life and the Universe as I did. I know I am also here to teach, and help in the Spiritual world. So, with this new vision I am having, I will have to see where it takes me.
On another note, I woke up early at 7:00 today and could not go back to sleep. My body was aching in pain as it still is daily, and I decided to listen to some meditations from Teal Swan. After I listened to two, I fell back asleep and had some crazy dreams.
I had a dream about my soul family going to the beach, and in my dream was my ex along with his wife. When I saw him and her, I ran away because I saw that his belly was huge, and it actually scared me away! I have been thinking of him so much lately, sending him love and light because I know he is having a hard time, and also telling him how much I still love him and miss him. Why am I still having these feelings after all the pain I have been through with him, and why haven't I been able to move on? My Shaman told me the love I feel about missing him, is only a fraction of the love that is out there for us from the Universe and God!! Well then, what the hell is going on with me? How much more pain, sadness, and feeling alone do I have to do and go through to be part of a family again that I want so much?
To live alone for me is like death, like you are slowly dying inside, with no one around to care. With no one to say "Good Morning", or "Good Night". It is so sad for me, beyond what I even imagined. The first two weeks were great to have my own place, and now reality has set in. Sadness, pain, so much I don't even know what to do with it all. How many times do I have to go back to my child hood and heal my inner child? How many different feelings of sadness will I get until it is all over? I am so done, done with all of this, I don't know where to go or what to do. My husband and I were going to build a 7,000 square feet Castle on four acres of land he bought, and we couldn't even focus on our dream, no we were caught up in hurting each other so much, because we were in so much pain ourselves that we did not see. I see things so differently now, and I wish more than anything that we did create that. And now, I have left myself creating a small apartment, all alone, without any family around, and family is what kept me in existence! Without family around, living alone, is almost like, what is the point of being here and living??
Namaste
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