Feeling so Disconnected, but new relief to a home!

Boy, have my feelings been going up and down crazy.  I have been feeling sad lately, missing my soul family, I can't even explain it.  I'm feeling like I have so many different realities now, which I guess I do.  They are not from here, this place I am in now, this awake state.  They are in my travels to other cities, and in my dreams connecting.  But today I have a big sense of feeling disconnected from them, and everyone, everything.  I suppose me moving in two weeks has something to do with it.  I have plans to be with my Spiritual Mentor in December, but am worried about where I will stay now, due to the silly drama some of the girls are having.  I do not want to be involved, nor take sides.  I feel we each should handle each other alone, very privately, and not have to tell anyone else our problems with the other people we encounter.  We are all struggling right now in this spiritual community, and are doing the best we can do.  When we realize that we can let go of the pain they are causing us by their words, and realize they are only suffering and we are a trigger to them.  

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Walk away, go our own way and avoid them, that is my advice.  That is what I have been doing, staying away from whoever I do not resonate with, the ones who have hurt me with their words, and surround myself with the ones who shower me with love.  Love is all there is, and it is very true.  I finally realized one of the girls who went after me and said some hurtful things to me for no reason at all, really just wanted love and attention to me.  Because we did not connect that one day, she wrote some things to me that were not very cool, and were hurtful.  Of course I was upset and hurt, feeling I was never nasty to her, and not needing this from anyone in this spiritual community.  

Then, weeks later, I realized she was just hurt.  Hurt because she wanted to connect and we did not.  Of course she has free will and could have started to talk to me and did not, instead she blamed me.  I wish her and anyone else that our paths have chosen a different road for now, much love and light on their way, until we meet again for sure!  
I am so very grateful to have found this community for love.  Even with the drama, the Love totally conquers all, you just have to watch who you give your energy to.  I know who I love, I know who I am drawn to innately, and that is all I need to know with them. 

But, I do have awesome news I found out yesterday, the hoarders moved out of where I want to live and I can have the place!  You have no idea how relieved I am.  Although I put total trust in the Universe to put me where I needed to be, that faith was a blessing to have.  I have been focusing on envisioning myself living in the place, along with all of my furniture and where I am going to place it.  And, look, it's happened and I am thrilled.  I am so looking forward to having loving friends and family in my space finally, after all these years.  We use to entertain as a family constantly, every child's birthday, adult's birthday, holiday, every Sunday, boy we were always entertaining and enjoying our families.  Those years are long gone, so I am grateful and thrilled to be able to start doing this again.  Thank you Universe, once again, for coming through for me!

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So, November 8th, yep, a Saturday I go.  I am going to ask my girlfriend from High School if she will sleep over the night I move in.  If she did I feel I would wake up feeling like I was in High School again with her, and I would be like, okay great what do I want to do today?  With no worries, no stress, just following my joy each and everyday, wow, what relief that feels like already.  I like it, I truly, truly like it.  Just allowing the energy of money to flow into my life any way it would like, to pay my bills and allow me to buy a home.  Or have someone else send this all to me, either way, I'm good!
I love you all, I hope you all find your way into the light each and every day!

Another Cold, Rainy Day

Hello
Oh boy, another rainy day.  This rain and cold weather is getting to me.  I can't even motivate myself to pack, so I have just been fooling around all day probably not even accomplishing a thing. 
 I did get on Face book a lot, and missed an amazing trip to Utah with my soul family.  I am so bummed about that, it still upsets me that I chose not to go, I even had a plane ticket to go.  And my best buddy went, and even got a house for everyone the last minute.  All I needed was a little nudge, someone to say, come on, we want you there.  I know I should already know that, but it's obvious I lack something, self love, self worth, stuff I am still working on obviously.  Sometimes if you are not sure what to do, it is nice to know someone cares enough to tell you they would love to see you, they want you to go.  I think I have been the one my entire life calling everyone and asking to come by, not waiting for others to call me and invite me.  Why would that be so?  Will they never invite me being too busy with their own lives, not being able to find the time to fit me in, or not wanting to fit me in?  Not in a hurtful or personal way, but if anyone truly wanted to see me and spend time with me, they would.  I wouldn't have to be the one always reaching out to others inviting myself over, or calling them all the time.  I am so tired of doing that, I have decided to stop that a few months ago, and I do not hear from those people as often either.  The Universe will send me others who really want my company and want me in their life because they enjoy being with me.  But, these soul friends would never know that, that I just needed a little pull, that's my issue.  There were other reasons I didn't want to go also, but when I spoke to my friend and she was busy packing and got a house for everyone, I truly thought of going, and said I would think about it, I truly would have loved to have seen her, and the others.  
But, for some reason, I talked myself out of it.  I am confused because I thought I was better at listening to my guides, and knowing what to do because they are always with me and I am always listening.  But, I am second guessing this and feel I truly missed one of the best Workshops ever, in one of the most beautiful places, Utah!  Wow, I could have been there, and really enjoyed all that loving from everyone, and would have come home super high as I usually do.
California really threw me off, I didn't like the energy at all there, feeling like so many were disconnected.  I met some awesome people from the Workshop, but I was in a strange place that entire weekend.  The first problem was that my motel was awful, I cried when I saw it.  I should have found another place instantly, but decided to just "deal with it".  Little did I know it would hurt my time there.  The second problem is when I was trying to find everyone on the Beach in Venice Friday night, I could not, and I walked around for 45 minutes freezing in the cool breeze and being really unhappy.  I was blaming others for me not being able to find where they were on the beach, and couldn't understand why no one could help me to find them.  It was a bad experience, and while I was waiting for my ride back to the motel, the energy on the streets by the bars on the pier, was one I didn't like.  It felt creepy to me, I can't really explain it, I just couldn't wait to leave.
The energy at the workshop was even different than the others I have attended.  Some of the ones chosen to talk to Teal, didn't open their heart.  Being somewhat arrogant, and almost questioning her on her abilities.  It was confusing to watch, wondering why they raised their hand in the first place and were chosen. 
The gathering at the house that night was awesome, so loving and fun.  It is beautiful to meet new people who love Teal, and always awesome to see my old friends, my soul family from long ago, and it keeps growing!  We had a singing session for awhile, thanks to Chris starting that.  The funny thing is I just found the Beatles music again on you tube, my brothers listened to them in the 70's, and I got caught up in other music when my children were growing up, music they listened to.  So, after finding the Beatles again, I am so in love, their songs are so amazing, so filled with love and the music is a great mood lifter, well most of it anyway. 

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 So, as we were sitting in the living room in the Los Angeles house, Chris pulls out a guitar and starts jamming all Beatle songs! Oh my, how funny is that? Not a coincidence, but a synchronicity for sure.  It was a lot of fun, and created even better memories of these Beatle's songs!  We hung out pretty late.  We even saw some UFO's in the sky, with some of my friends totally into it, watching the UFO in the sky very far away, but moving back and forth closer to us.  
So, now I will plan for Florida, but I am still hurt over Utah.  I have to figure out a way to get some motivation to finish packing this house, I guess I will start tomorrow, another day.  Tonight I am going to attack my bedroom, and all the papers in it.  Once I start, I get into it, it's just the starting!  I am going now to make some soup for the girls while I am still with them and can cook for them, I do not cook every day anymore.  We all eat such different things, and when I cook daily for myself, the kids do not always like it because of the way I eat, no meat, no dairy, and I follow an Ayurveda diet for myself, which comes along with alot of restrictions.  Many times I do cook, and they do not want to eat either, each day is so different.  
Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy yourself and your life, if we can't what's the point of living?
Namaste all day!

It's All Good, deciding what to focus on!

Namaste
So many changes all the time, wow, life never changed so fast before.  I use to love change, now, after moving so many times with my kids growing up, I want stability, security, and moving does not give me that.  But, the contrast is telling me to manifest my own home, my own, a nice sense of stability and comfort for me.  A home I can do anything to, and have family over for dinner and fun times always.  I love entertaining, and we always did, but since I have been here in this house, I haven't done it very often.  And being an hour away from my family, makes it more of a hassle for my family to come.  I don't have many friends, my family is the base of my friendships.  I am asking the Universe to send me more like minded souls, that live near me so I can hang out with them and feel young again.  It is so nice to connect with loved ones when you do not have a spouse.  That sense of connection is gone, its just you and Source.  And, sometimes you get lost, lost and sad on your own, like I have gotten many times.  Yes, the light always does shine bright the next day, but the contrast still exists.  
So, today I ran errands with my daughters, it was interesting.  They are both always in such a rush, not realizing the enjoyment of the moment.  They see many things as a "problem" and complain at times.  I am wondering how they expect to shine, and find love and peace in the world, when they are sending out such toxic words, and thoughts.  I can not tell them any longer, having said it many times before.  I wish I could snap my fingers and help them see in a second how quick it is to change your thoughts, thus change your life, your reality to abundance of infinite love and gratitude!  I love them dearly, and hold them in the light.  Sometimes when I am positive, they have to shoot it down with their negative.  It's like I felt with my ex, when I am happy, or do something fun or funny, they get "annoyed" and cop some crazy attitude towards me.  I realized I haven't allowed myself to shine because the way I feel around them.  How could I get to the place I want to on this journey with the way this makes me feel?  I certainly could not, I am grateful for this move and change now, boy what a change in my thoughts.  My daughter actually told me today that when she moved out she didn't want to see me much, she wants to live her life herself.  I didn't even get upset, not taking it personal, but it was shocking to hear her say this.  I already told myself I will totally let go, when they want me around or to talk, they can call.  I will not bug them, just send them love texts here and there.  I know it will be okay, and we will all be safe, and heal, and totally shine our light out to the world, but most importantly, within ourselves!
I have decided to be concentrating on the future.  I picture myself where I will be living, although we did not finalize it yet.  It is a nice, cozy place in a a community where I will have instant clients to work with. I want to teach some yoga classes there, and some Energy Classes I have made up with the energy work of Donna Eden's.  There is also a new Senior Citizen building in Monroe near my brother, and I am going to stop by there and talk to them about my programs as well.  I also am going to concentrate on getting the love out to the kids in the School systems, telling them how bright they are and how they are here to shine their light.  Also, to work with the "bullies", who just need love too.  I am excited about this, and have a friend I met when I went back to The College of New Jersey and she was in my Psych class, and told me about the bully program she ran in one school system.  I want to get the foundation from her, and add my teachings from Teal Swan, putting them in children's words.  I also have written a few children's books, and will be publishing those books, and want to give them out to the children as well.  So much fun this will be for me.  So, like I said I will be busy and have a lot to concentrate on.  
I also want to publish my adult book, the same name as this blog, "My Spiritual Journey to Self Love".  Can't wait, to finally have these dreams come true for me.  I know I need to be alone to be able to totally focus on this, and to have a sense of love, peace and harmony around me all the time.  Then I will have my home on the lake, a healing home, where friends and family can come to hang out, vent, cry, laugh, have fun and heal!  What a joy to have others come into my space of love, and cook for them, and hang out in beautiful mother earth, and enjoy one another's company?  
Yes, it will be a totally different life, but now it is one I am excited about and looking forward too.  I have been packing only a little yesterday and today, but it's okay, I am taking my time going through everything.  Today I found old letters from John, and from me to him, After reading most of them, I put them in the fireplace and burnt them.  They were sad, most of my letters were about blaming myself for all of our problems, how I didn't treat him nice enough, etc.  This was actually new for me, I never realized I felt this way.  I remember him hurting me with his words and I had to run away into another room, or even outside.  It became very hard and very sad at the end, he was so angry and hurt and lashed out to me. For when you love someone so much and feel so connected to them, when they hurt you your first reaction is to hurt back. But, now I understand his pain more, and feel badly that we both hurt each other so much.  I know he is part of my soul family many times over, and I still feel very connected to him, even though I have cut cords from us many times.  I hope we can become friends someday soon.  He needs others in his life now, and has a beautiful daughter who is a year and a half old.  I have infinite love for her, It is a beautiful thing.  She is the miracle in his life, the one to awaken him, and show him unconditional love.  She has brought him and my children back together, and I am grateful for that.  We need to become friends soon so I can become part of her life as I am suppose to be.  I am waiting for the Universe to make this happen.  I am trusting the Universe will put me where I should be, physically, emotionally, mentally and physically.  I am ready, here I go to fly!
I realize I have so much to be grateful for, and on my spiritual journey, I remember to give gratitude daily, many times throughout the day as well. It makes the way so much nicer, and easier, as the Universe sends you more and more to be grateful for! 
Much Love and Light to all!!

My Energy Healing Class

Namaste ~
I attended an Energy Healing Class created by Donna Eden, who is an author and wrote about energy techniques she taught herself to facilitate in her own healing process.  I am a Reiki Practioner, and am very familiar with Energy Healing, Once you open your mind up and realize we are all energy, then you will realize how important Energy work is, and it could become your first choice of healing.  Just like acupuncture, which opens up the meridians which carry the energy throughout your body, this process works on the same principle.  There are certain poses that help with moving energy in our body, and specific points to tap on or massage to do the same.  
This class was very exciting for me.  I was a gymnast in College, and it was the love of my life.  I enjoy exercise and moving my body, especially for reasons such as this, to get the energy flowing in my body so it can heal itself.  I haven't been exercising regularly, but have started doing yoga daily at home due to the body pain I have been feeling.  I have realized daily stretching, such as yoga, helps to calm my muscle spasms down.
Since my body has suffered in pain most of my lifetime, and I am always interested in any type of alternative healing solution.  We were given diagrams so we could see the meridian patterns in our bodies, and pictures of each exercise, making them easy to remember and do at home.  She created a daily program to help increase the energy flow in our bodies in order for it to function properly.  
What I love about this Energy Work is that I can teach it to others, for them to do themselves.  With Reiki Healing, there is a Practitioner facilitating in the healing of someone.  With this process, you are the healer healing yourself.  Donna Eden has created movements that will facilitate the same type of energy movement in your body, as in other forms of Energy Healing someone needs to do to you.  Sometimes it is very beneficial and self loving to have help in our healing, so both types of Energy Work are wonderful.  It is wonderful to be able to have tools to increase your energy flow, to facilitate in our own healing,  and to have help if needed as well.
The woman teaching the class was great.  She gave us a hand made booklet, and went though it.  Most of the class consisted of woman my age and older, having had serious health issues. There seems to be such simple techniques we can do with our bodies, to help our energy flow which facilitates healing, which is so exciting for me.  I have always been interested in this type of stuff, without many others to help support it though.  The woman made the class open and fun, and she enlightened me a great deal on the flow of energy in our bodies, how it runs through the meridians, and how there is a specific pattern of energy flow for each organ.  Wow, this information everyone needs to know about I tell myself, and the younger the better.  I tell myself I also really need to teach this to the Senior Citizens to help enhance their healing, and energy flow.  This will be an interesting new part of my journey.  I am grateful and blessed to have the Universe send it to me now, while I want to help others to learn how to heal themselves.  Thank you my most enlightened being of all, I love you!
Namaste, Love and Light to you always!

Painting my Dresser

Waking up today in the rain wasn't fun.  I was bumming, and felt achy and had no desire to do any packing.  So, I decided to paint again.  Yesterday I was getting bummed packing, so I took a break and decided to start painting the dresser I was going to use when I move.  I actually acquired my parent's dresser set when we sold my Mom and Dad's house, five years ago.  Ugh, I have had that furniture too long, I actually should never had it.  I never knew back then that everything is energy, the furniture too, so the furniture has the same energy it saw in that room for its lifetime.  Wow, what a realization.  So you want to make sure that there is always love around!  You can sage the furniture to help raise the energy, but the best thing to do would be to paint it.  So, I let it go and my bedroom already feels lighter, somewhat more free, it's very interesting because I had no idea the furniture affected me in any way.  I am going to sell it and take the old furniture I am currently painting to my new place.  Out with the old, in with the new, new fresh energy.  The bedroom furniture I am painting is a tall men's dresser, with two night stands to match.  They are made very well, and the dresser is really heavy.  I am going to paint some flowers in the center of the doors, it will be nice to have something new in my new place.  It is coming out great.  It is healing to be in the moment of creating, and enjoying just what you are doing without having to think, just relax and create.  While I am being creative, beautiful visions come to me, of things I need to create in the world and get out, so many things.  It is funny how I start just painting, and then I am so in the moment in a beautiful place, and Spirit talks to me about my purpose in life and what I need to accomplish.  It is so wonderful.  I stopped packing to do something that brought me joy, and look at what it has done.  It has opened me up to so many other possibilities.  It opens me up to the flow of the Universe, and taps into all of that Source Energy, allowing you to create and manifest anything you want!  Wow, I am so grateful for so many things. 
 I am so much stronger now about moving, I am focusing on my new place, of moving forward.  I am dreaming of how I will decorate it, to make me feel at home.  This is a nice change since I was pretty much crying about my kids leaving and me being all alone.  I was so sad about waking up alone, and my life changing drastically, that is all I could think of, and I cried.  Now, those thoughts don't come to me as often, which is a sigh of relief.  I am focusing on how awesome this will be for my daughters, and how great it will be to go visit them in their new place.  
I am so grateful to have found my Spiritual Mentor who has helped to wake me up to how the Universe works,how it wants to help me create what I want, and that I came to earth so I can create what I want! Ha, now what a fun journey it will be, I can't wait to see what the future holds.  
I truly want to finish my children's books, but need to get them illustrated.  There is so much work that needs to get done.  I need to created abundance for myself, it is something that will comfort me and make me feel safe, knowing I will never have to worry about paying my rent and bills alone, ever.
Namaste

Feeling Relief of Having a Place to Stay

Namaste
So, I spoke to the gentleman about the rental, and he said I can rent it if I still needed it, although he is waiting for the tenants to move out, and it would have to get cleaned really well.  I hope you can get the energy of the hoarders out!  I told him I was going to try to buy one, but if I couldn't I would love to rent it.  We said we would touch base over the weekend sometime.
I totally feel much better and more relieved now that we spoke and I know I am safe, safe to have a place to go, a space that I can deal with for at least six months.  I truly am going to manifest buying a home, so either way I won't be there long.  But, I truly need a great space, and I love that this is in a community where I will be able to have instant clients.  They will be all around me, having nothing to do but have fun and get together.  I want to teach a Yoga/Energy Class at the Center, and will give Reiki and Angel Card Readings at my place, or wherever.  It will be nice once I get use to being alone, to have nothing to worry about, but myself.  This house is too much work, even mentally all I see.  It's too big, and so dark, it's always been so dark due to the dark paneling in the house.  Except for my bedroom, it has an East side with lots of windows, and it's sunny all morning.  It is a great spot where I write all the time when the sun is up.  I will miss this place, I still can't believe we are leaving, I am moving to a place of peace and serenity, all alone.  Bitter sweet.  I know it is for the best for all of us, and over due.  I am so grateful for the times I had here in this house with my children.  There were awesome, wonderful times.  Times of arguing as well, but that is part of life.
I am glad I started to pack early, it is giving me the time to go through everything, keep what I love, and send the rest away to someone else.  I am cleansing, it's a process.  One that needs rest in between and love.  It is a process, I am allowing myself to feel all of it, the glory and the pain.  The glory of raising my children as a single mother of ten years and surviving.  The pain is I just survived, and worried most of my ten years.  I am going with the flow, down the river, instead of against it.  I am trusting in the Universe to take me where I am suppose to go, to a beautiful, calm, loving, energetic space, with lots of nature around!
Namaste

A Cloudy, Dark Monday

It's a day to just do nothing.  I am so achy, tired, and have no desire at all to pack anything, so I haven't.  Well, I did futz around in the spare room, organizing and packing up some art supplies.  I know I will have plenty of time for that, my art work, when I move.  I am okay about moving, when my daughters and I talk about their plans, its crazy, we all can't believe it and want to pinch each other.  My one daughter tells me today, her younger brother wants her to cook a pot of tomato sauce the first Sunday they move in!  Sunday is family day in our home, always has been even since I can remember in High School with my brothers and their girlfriends.  Then, when I met my ex I remember always being there for Sunday dinners.  And now, we always have them here in this house, and my daughters get upset if their brother can not make it.  This summer was different though, me being at the beach or running around visiting, and the girls not cooking.
I still don't know where I am living yet.  I waited for George to call and he called yesterday and I was in class all day.  I started looking myself for places to buy, and realized this community I was renting from, is half the price if you buy a place there!  Wow, that's a big difference, and I have said all along, I am tired of renting and paying my landlord for his home, his investment, and making him money.  I have given my landlord a great deal of money in four years, so if you are renting, think seriously about buying, it is possible, put it out into the Universe, and bam, there it goes!  That is what I have done, and the Universe is sending me a place to buy, and a way to buy it.  I will let you know what it is as soon as I work out all of the details.  I am excited about this, if I could have my own place I would be so much happier.  I need a home to call my own, now.  And, then next year when my finances are more abundant, I will buy another home, and rent this out, an investment finally.
This entire thing is draining for me today, too much going on at one time, and my home is still a mess, boxes everywhere and so much to pack.  It gets overwhelming.  I have been cleansing which is well needed.  I still need to find a place to live, I want to get my business started and rent space somewhere, I want to finish these children's books I started, and get to the children in the School systems.  That's all!  You think there's enough time to get it all done?  
Then, there goes the story about time,which I still cant grasp.  Time is linear, it's all happening at the same time, the past, the future.  I know, sounds crazy, but true, check it out for yourself!  I still don't understand how it's all happening at the same time, but I will soon, it's just a matter of perception.
 I gotta go and lay down, my upper back and neck is in such a spasm I can not even sit up anymore!  Help Universe, help me realize what's going on with my pain and my body.  I will lay down and sit with it.
Namaste all Day! <3

Waking up in so much pain

Woke up yesterday and today feeling like someone punched me in my upper back like I can barely breathe.  It's a cold rainy fall day today, and that doesn't help.  I have severe pain on the right side of my jaw too, so sharp and painful, along with the bad pain in my neck, under my skull feeling like knives are digging straight in.  I have had this pain since my college days, so I have learned to push myself and function.  Which I have learned now is not self loving.  So, yesterday and today I stayed in the house, and today Cassie took out all the pictures and albums to look through and take what she wants.  I sat with her and did some also, throwing lots out!  It's such a great free feeling to let go and discard, to release and cleanse.  It give you space to breathe new life in.
As I am sitting with my pain, I am asking the pain if it wants to tell me anything.  It tells me to relax, things will work out just as they should.  To be open to all possibilities.  Many times when I ask this question, I do not even get a response.  Yes, that is frustrating when I am looking for answers.  So much pain, for so long, gets so very draining, and many times I have wanted to throw in the towel.  But, then the sun shines the next day or two, and I am feeling better, stronger, and at ease.  Ah, at ease, a new feeling for me.  One of calming and relaxing, instead of running around crazy.  I like the calmness, and have been doing some yoga each night because my neck, back and hips are so tight.  It really helps to relax my body, my bodies first reaction to when I lay on my back is one large sigh, "Ahhhh".  I rock my body back and forth in a ball, and stretch my hips and legs, and back.  If feels great, and that is what I need to do daily to help heal myself.  Self love, taking the time to do what you need to for yourself, not only for others.  Knowing what you need, in body, mind and soul, and taking time to care for each part, in any way that calls upon you.
Many of us seem to be going through the same thing now, self nurturing, self love, learning to love ourselves unconditionally.  To become whole with ourselves, that oneness, and then one with another.  Namaste means, we are all one, all connected, it means I see the light in you that is in me, keeping us on that same thread of bright light.  You are me, I am you, you are my brother. We are one, The Lion King said it well to Simba, we are all connected, we are all one.
Meditation is another self loving act for me now.  All summer I would sit outside each morning, in the sun, and just breathe, and visions of so many things came to me.  Visions of writing some children's books, and other things I need to accomplish.  I also have many visions while I am in the water, either in the hot bath, or the shower, so many visions come to me about things to create, books for the children, reaching to them through programs in the School system.
When I went to the Ayurveda Practitioner, he had me take a few Indian herbs, and I have run out of them for awhile.  I think I need to buy them again within the next few days, they help calm down my muscle spasms.
Tomorrow I have a course regarding energy work by Donna Eden, to add to the Reiki.  I am excited, this work is a lot of movement with it, and I want to add this to the Yoga I want to teach to the Senior Citizens in the Adult Communities all over Monroe Township.  It will be great to get them moving, and doing some energy work on themselves at the same time!  Imagine how it will increase their life, their joy each day, their health, and bring them peace.  This will be fun for me and allow me to connect with others like I need to now.
Namaste ~ Love to all always ~

Still Packing ~ My Head is Spining

Namaste ~
Boy, today I packed most of the day, taking each room apart at a time.  I am taking my time, putting everything where it is suppose to go, getting very organized and releasing, letting go, and cleansing all at once.  
I see now how everything is in perfect timing for myself and my children now.  My daughters are moving out into their own place, this is wonderful for their growth finally, so they can feel they are independent, all grown up without me doing things for them anymore.  I should actually be thrilled.  I am so very proud of them, and can't wait to witness and be part of their transformation as well.  
I have the opportunity to move out of Bergen County like I said I always wanted to.  After searching all over the State, from the Beach to the Lakes, I decided I need to be by my family now, the ones I am close to for love and support.  I will probably feel somewhat lonely at first, but it will be great and comforting to know I can visit my sister in law anytime to connect with someone I love.  It will be awesome to be able to have anyone over for dinner that I want, meaning my family, because I will be 15 minutes from them and not an hour.  This is a major difference for most people, and it will be fun to have others finally in my space.  My space is going to be so calming, so healing, no one is going to want to leave.  And I will do some of my work from home as well, so I can become financially abundant and buy my lake home and shore home, and have loved ones over all the time.  And I can stay home and write and paint and draw and be blissfully happy.  You know we can manifest anything, that is why we came here, to have what we want.  Of course I also want to help everyone in their healing process, especially the children, but I will do that as well.
This move will give my body the opportunity to heal, not having to take care of anyone else, but me.  That will be awesome, and I will do yoga and meditate even more than I do now.  Actually this will give all of us the time to heal, to heal the past and the old wounds, and to have faith in the beautiful future my children have.
 I also want to teach yoga and energy healing at the Community Center in the Complex I maybe be living in.  I will have an automatic clientele with so many senior citizens around!  I will be like Cameron Diaz in that movie, but I will be teaching them yoga, healing tools, and Angel Card Readings!  I am so excited about this, I love to connect with like minded souls and share the wisdom I have been learning, and still am always.  It is finally time for me to express myself, and get my work out there.  I have been working on it and I know once I move everything will accelerate very fast, and I will be happy to be busy with stuff I simply love to do.  
Many things in my life are ending at the same time, my alimony stopped, and my ex owes me a small amount of money, but after two years is finally going to pay me less than half, and most of it will be for the attorney I had to pay for two years.  Bitter sweet, but I know this is such a letting go thing, and moving on thing, so it is perfect timing.  I am moving out of the house I have been living in with my three children for the past four years.  We have made many memories here.  There were so many snowstorms last winter, and due to my pain, my daughters had to shovel almost daily, and I was very proud of them.  I will never forget the fires we lit in the cold freezing days and nights along with the snow falling so magnificently.  Memories make me sad and make me cry, knowing I will never have this type again.  No more waking up with my daughters, I will be waking up alone every day, that will be the hardest for me.  I love people, I loved being married and having that security of a family, knowing someone is always there for you no matter what.  I met my husband at 17 years old, and we barely left each other, we were really connected from the start and always wanted to be together.  That lasted 25 years, I was blessed to have that type of security with another human being, and didn't even realize it, just taking it for granted.  We were so in love, and I will always feel connected to him, and know some day we will be part of each others lives again.  I can not shake the feeling I have for the baby, who is a year and a half old.  She is so beautiful, so lovely, and I just have this innate love for her too, its pretty crazy. She is the miracle that has opened up my ex's heart to love, it's amazing and wonderful.  He now appreciates his daughters, realizing how important family is now that he truly needs their help with his daughter.   
Yesterday I took a break from packing, I was pretty upset about the place I wanted to move into and the hoarders who live there.  That really freaked me out, and when I went to bed, I didn't want any part of living there.  It was really creepy and I figured with all of these problems, how will this happen.  He was worried he wouldn't be able to get them out.
So, yesterday I took a ride to visit a new friend I met, John, who is the Crystal King.  He has these amazing crystals, priced so low, and is such an amazing guy.  He was selling some of his crystals at a woman's home, and he invited me there.  I went to get out and see what was going on.  His crystals were beautiful, and I finally bought my three largest stones, an amethyst, a citrine, and a selenite piece.  They are all so beautiful, and such great prices, I couldn't pass them up.  Last night was a full moon, and they had the opportunity to charge under it all night!  It was awesome, and bringing them into the house today, they have such awesome energy, let's see how it affects the kids when they get home.  
Waking up today I feel better about having a place to live, I am sure I will be able to move there, it just depends on when.  But, I have at least four weeks left here, hoping they will be out by then,  I am envisioning myself living there, with my furniture making the place look beautiful.  I am trying not to worry about the finances, knowing I need some form of steady income very soon.  I am going to start applying for some nanny positions down there, only for two or three days, but full days.  That should bring me enough money in, then I can supplement with my spiritual work, to pay for the things I need to.  I really didn't want to go back to being a nanny, but I am worried I will have to in order to keep up.  I will see where this takes me, being open to all things.  I would love to just illustrated my children's books, get them published, and just keep doing that, and creating the children's series I want to create.  We will see where the Universe takes me, I am open to new possibilities, and know all things do not have to come through me!
Namaste 

Looking at another place to live

So, today I went to look at a two bedroom place from the man I met through Craigs List.  He was renting his basement apartment, which I loved, and then had this two bedroom for rent as well.  I would much rather have my own place anyway, and am not fond of basements either.  Well, when we walked in the place was flowing over with boxes and boxes of who knows what.  It became obvious that they were hoarders, and the man I was with became upset about this.  They had only lived there a year, and destroyed the place with their clutter and lack of cleanliness, and the kitchen was filthy.  It was very sad that anyone lives this way.  After we left, the gentleman was upset, and I didn't blame him one bit.  We have become friends, just talking back and forth with the place to rent, and connected through our divorces and children.  He is a nice, kind, smart man and I enjoy our conversations.  I wouldn't take it any further than that with him, he isn't even divorced from his second wife yet, and don't feel that way about him.  But, a great friend for sure.
After that we went to eat, spoke about his tenants, and his children and my family also.  After we left, I got in touch with my sister in law, and she invited me over.  It was awesome to see her and connect, not seeing her for over a year.  My brother married a woman who looks somewhat like me, thin and blonde, and has a personality like me, and I love her.  Although they are divorced, we still love each other and enjoy one anothers company.  We always were a good support or each other.  We had such a nice time, I miss having special woman to talk to and hang out with. We lost touch for probably two years because there were a lot of changes going on in her life.  She remarried to a man I met, and they are so in love with each other, it is beautiful.  We talked about many intense things that have happened to her and her family, and she has been through so much.  She has always been a giver, like an Angel here taking care of everyone.  She has finally let go of the things she can not change, like I have, and is taking care of herself, and her family first.  She is blessed to have married again, and when I left and got in my care, I felt lonely, wishing I was married, and had a man and family to cook for, like she was doing.  I loved being married, I loved being a mother and a housewife.  I love the homey thing, caring for everyone and feeling that loving, unconditional bond that a family provides.  A family is like having that center nucleus, that intense unit, that no matter what you have that family to give you strength and support in this life.  I didn't even realize I had that, and felt that, until it was taken away.  I realize that so much more now, your family is like your heart beating, all connected as one.  I am blessed to have the family I do, my children, my brothers, my ex and his family that I shared my life with when we did.  I have memories with them that I will never forget, we hung out with each other and our children pretty much  every day.  We loved each other, we were a lot alike, we were all stay at home moms, so we got together all the time!  I was blessed to have them and to have the opportunity to have stayed home and raise my children while I did.
It will be interesting to see what the future holds for me, not even sure where I will end up living yet.  I am not sure if I want to move into this place where the hoarders stayed, awful energy there.  Going to bed I am sad about seeing this place like this, sad to see people could live this way, and wonder what the energy will be like when they leave.  Well, I know what it will be like, I just hope we can get it all out by cleaning, cleansing, and saging all the time.  I will see how I feel tomorrow, too stressed about it now.
Gotta run, my back is in a spasm, and I woke up in serious pain today, but had to run out to see this place, an hour south drive!
Love and Light!

The Awakening Fair

Hello there ~
So, today I went to an "Awakening Fair", the same thing as a Mind, Body, and Soul Expo, just another name for it.  I wanted to be a vendor for this one, but by the time I called to do Angel Card Readings, they were already booked.  Evidently vendors come back year after year.  
I really went to see an old friend, an artist who I met at a fair a few years ago.  She was always very lovely, and would whisper words of encouragement to me on how I needed to "take care of myself".  And she was totally right, and I have been working on this.  But, this time when I saw her, she was happy at first, and then when she asked how I was, and I replied with, "Great, I have written a few children's books, and just need them illustrated, and I am writing a book on my journey to self love, and my daughters are moving out", and I am going on and on in joy about my new life, and my dreams, she started to change her behavior.  There was  a shift in her energy for sure.  Instead of opening up to love, she pulled back, seeming somewhat annoyed.  Watching her I was becoming confused, 
because each time I became excited about something, she pulled back and sank.  I saw it in her body language, she was sinking lower and lower, pulling back more, until she shut me out.  She did not want to talk to me, or make eye contact with me.  This was really a shocker for me, I was so confused.  I have been becoming more "use to" others not being able to accept my new energy, or vibrate with it, and react with some type of attitude I don't understand.  The energy I was feeling from her was like jealousy, jealousy and intimidation.  Hmm, was I making her feel this way by my mere presence?  If so, this is totally crazy, because she is such a beautiful, loving soul.  One who is here to teach about love, and her paintings of Mary, Goddesses and all she paints, are simply magnificent!  

My vibration is changing, and things are happening faster now!  The way my energy shifts after I get to see my Spiritual Mentor and Leader, Teal Swan, is awesome.  My energy shifts its so crazy, and It seems as if I do not resonate with the same people, and I can not be near someone who has a really low vibration.  It's amazing when you start to "feel" this, and be aware of this.  Because now I realize so many things.  I realize how people my entire life have tried to take my energy, I use to call them leaches, like they just latch onto you and need you every second of every day.  I can remember feeling this way from some of the girls in High School that needed to call you 24/7, and could not function alone.  I was always strong and independent growing up, and never liked friends that become clingy.  People are still the same way, but now I am aware of this and understand what's going on.  They may even form "attachments" to you, like some have done to me.  If you rest and close your eyes and ask yourself the question if anyone has any attachments to you, a name may come to your mind.  If it does you can try to feel where the attachment is, and remove it from yourself and the other person.  Once removed destroy the cord any way you would like to.  I usually burn mine in a roaring fire.  Then the wound should be healed by pouring light into it, and then I stitch it up with kisses! This is all visual, of course.  Visualization is such a key in transforming your life, and I never realized how good I was at it.  In College, I was a gymnast, and I would visualize my routine so many times in my head for the fun of it, and I always did well in competition.  This was way before they taught us about the advantages of visualization.  I use this technique as much as I can especially in manifesting what I want.  

Anyway, I got off the subject of the woman I know and her behavior.  Now, I did not treat this woman any differently than I ever have, I was loving and happy to see her.  After her energy shifted and she kept pulling back, she didn't even want to talk to me, and she actually didn't.  It was hard for her to look into my eyes.  I was feeling very uncomfortable and tried to keep a conversation going but she completely stopped talking, it was obvious she did not want to talk to me any longer.  Instead of getting the hint and leaving quickly, I was so confused, so I started to look at her artwork and compliment her about her work, he artwork is magnificent.  She is truly a lovely, beautiful woman, I don't know what happened here.  Realizing we are all energy and it's all about our vibration, has opened my eyes up to many things.  Things I do not get and understand, like why someone would act totally different because their energy shifted.  It feels as if she went from loving me when I was low, sad and down. to not liking me due to my confidence and love within my self. 

I sat in one only one lecture, a lovely woman named Susan Greif, Art Mends Hearts.  She spoke about our own inner artist, how art can help heal us by drawing our emotions, and she taught a meditation explaining to ask the pain in your body if there is something it wants to tell you.  She asked for a volunteer and I was chosen.  She asked my neck the same questions my Shaman asked me, the same meditation I have been doing for months.  Questions like, "what do you want to tell me?"  and "what does your pain want you to do".  Feelings of being burdened came to me, and I felt I needed love, comfort and support.  This is so very true.  I have been struggling for the last ten years, being a single mom, struggling financially and emotionally, it has been difficult.  I can see where my pain feels worse when I am triggered by feelings of powerlessness, and I am blamed by others for things that are not my fault.  The pain is deep, and I am working on it when it jumps up at me, when I see the triggers in my face.  
This process is a great way to get to the route of your pain.  But, it may not be a quick fix, I have been working on this, and it is still a process.  I realize everything is a process, and we always seem to want a quick fix.  But it is the journey that it is all about, not the end result only.  Pain is emotional, and my pain is very deep and very old, maybe that is why I still am working on feeling relief.  
I came home very filled with love, in a nice high vibration.  I realized a lot being there this time.  I realized I am now ready to shine my light and teach others what I have learned.  I have been a teacher my entire life, I have always loved research work on subjects that interested me, and I have always loved to share my knowledge with others.  Now, instead of just being an Angel Card Reader, I will promote my Healing work.  "You Are The Light", the business I created to help heal others.  I consider myself a "Life Coach and Healer", helping to heal others through Angel and Oracle Card Readings, Reiki, Essential Oils and Crystals.  My sessions of 45 minutes contain all of these modalities to help facilitate in a healing.  I will get a vendor table, and give a quick lecture of my work!  Wow, how excited I am about this, finally being at the point where I am ready to teach what I have learned.  I will always be a student, but I am at the point where I can help others where they are as well.  I am excited for this, and as soon as I move and get settled, I will reach out to the Mind, Body, and Soul Expos, and get my butt moving! Yay, the power of self love, ahhh! <3<3<3  
Namaste all Day!!

Packing Up

Namaste
Here I go again, moving.  I will tell you, I can no wait until I buy my own home next year on the lake and never have to move from there!  I want roots, I have been flying too long.  I want to ground, to get centered and stay there.
Packing has been pretty emotional.  I have been going through the basement first because I do not even know what is in the bins, other than holiday decorations.  I found an old bin of pictures of the children, and we have tons.  Cassie and I went through some of them, there were many of my ex and I, old ones of us alone, and some of us with the kids.  Those are memories I will always cherish, and will never forget those days.  I had a nice time with Cassie going through the pictures, she was enlightened when she saw herself in so many pictures with the animals, the horses, dogs, cats, farm animals, etc., always flocking to her!  I tried going through more pictures alone today, but had to stop I was getting too emotional.  Pictures really hit me hard, they make me cry and cry, of those memories that are gone, blown away with the wind.  I will always feel connected to my ex husband, we have a very strong bond together, being together in many lifetimes. I know now he is going through a tough time in his life, and I will always care about his health and happiness.  He is not always very healthy and having a hard time now.  So, I have been holding him in love and light as I have been doing for my children and my soul family lately.
 I have the need to see him, to meet with him so we can talk.  I want to tell him that someone cares, that I care about him, and I always will.  I found my wedding dress in the basement in a huge box.  I threw the box away, and washed my dress because it smelled somewhat.  It came out beautiful. I tried it on and it felt so fun to be in, I remember having so much fun at our wedding, so much love and fun!  Then, as I was showering later in the day, all of a sudden I hear a song in my head.  Guess what song it was?  Our wedding song, "Always and Forever".  I sang the entire song for myself, and it was beautiful and brought tears to my eyes.  This was not planned at all, all just flowing through me because I am in a more allowing place, and have opened my heart to love.  The memories were amazing, and I kept looking up, pretending I was singing the song into his eyes!  He is very tall and I had to look up at him the entire day, especially dancing, and remember waking up with a sore neck!
I am going to put all the Wedding pictures in one place, and maybe burn them next year.  I am not ready to do that yet, as I still have visions of us being together in this lifetime, with that little miracle girl of his.  I feel very connected to her, and I am for sure.  I always had a sense of innate love for her since she was born, even when I had never met her.
My sleep has been very heavy at night, waking up in the morning very heavy and out of it, like I truly am in another world as I sleep, and we truly are.  So many of my dreams have been with my ex husband, and with my soul sister, Teal.  I miss her when I am aware and awake, I miss her a lot, like I should be living near her, being her girlfriend, just hanging out, laughing and sharing love!!

Teal Swan in Los Angeles

I just returned from my fifth workshop of Teal Swan's, The Spiritual Catalyst, she is called.  She is simply amazing, and so are her followers.  They usually open their heart to love for everyone.  There usually is a group house for each workshop, with about twenty people in the house.  I decided to get my own place this time, because I seem to need my own space.  The weekends are very intense, emotional, and at times issues come up for some people, along with their tears and anger.  I realized how much I need my own space, being alone when I need to.  And sometimes others seem to feel comfortable enough with me to lash out on me, which doesn't make me happy, so having my own place will help to minimize that.  I did feel very alone though, not wanting to be in my Hotel either, not knowing where I really was, and not seeing anyone I knew.  I really do not like being away from home, I don't enjoy that feeling anymore, I think because I moved so many times I get the sense of insecurity.  Not knowing, having to learn about a new place.  When I was young I enjoyed those experiences, as I was wild and free, but now, I enjoy the comfort of my home, knowing where I am and what I have.  

So, Friday morning I text my friend to see if she wanted to meet.  We did, and boy, did I need it.  We had an awesome time, connecting with a soul sister, and talking about things I can not talk about with most people.  So, every time someone annoys us, it's our own shadow?  Our own mirror of ourselves that needs to be acknowledged and set free!  We talked a lot about that issue, because at times people, even strangers annoy me.  To think it's due to something within me that I have to resolve, is a bummer, because I feel I should just stay away from those people.

Friday night I walked around Venice beach, and saw many restaurants and bars.  I did not resonate with the energy here, I actually couldn't wait to leave.  I also walked near the beach on the cement path, which had beach on one side and homes on the other.  The homes were cement squares, none of them attractive, and they were on top of each other.  I live in New Jersey and our beach homes are very different.  They are all pretty beautiful, especially the ones on the beach.  Gorgeous, homemade mansions, some smaller homes, but all beautiful, and different, not cookie cutter homes, all the same cement flat slab.  As far as property goes for the beach homes in New Jersey, they all have property.  Their own private beach front, most have, without cement in between the sand, you just walk out into your sandy beach!  The homes I saw in Venice were directly on top of each other, you could probably touch your neighbor if you wanted to!  This would make me feel too confined, making me feel I could never sit in front of my home on the beach and not have quiet moments alone.  I was totally struck by this, actually confused, because everyone seems to brag about Venice, about what an awesome town and beach it is.   I expected a more classy town, not so rugged and hard.  The vibe down the shore in Jersey is calm and chilling, and people are pretty friendly.  The vibe I felt in Los Angeles was very different, more disconnected and somewhat arrogant.  Oh well, it truly made me appreciate my state so much more, and realize what awesome beach towns we have here!  

Saturday was Teal's Workshop, and as she walked on stage in her gorgeous red dress, she was radiant.  She explained the energy in Los Angeles was somewhat disconnected, and we did a meditation to help with that.  The first on stage was a couple, a couple Teal had asked to volunteer to work on relationship issues.  They were amazing, and had a major breakthrough when Teal had them switch roles, and pretend they were the other person explaining how they felt.  Many of the ones chosen were doing inner child work on stage, and others chosen could have dove deeper down into their feelings, but did not.  I sensed arrogance from a few on stage, their ego holding them back from letting go and feeling those emotions on stage.  While I was on stage in February, I truly let go, opening up myself as much as I could, so I could get to the root of my body pain, along with her help.  Usually the people called on stage with Teal, have inner child work to do, and some even go back to a childhood memory they have no recollection of.  They break down and cry, we comfort them with loving thoughts, and I will send them some Reiki, Universal loving energy through my hands while I put my hands up to them.  Their pain is our pain, we are all one and all connected.  What one feels we all feel, even if we are aware of this or not. 

 Teal has taught me so many things about life, about us, about why we are here.  To have the opportunity for Teal to help you on stage is a blessing, in my opinion.  An opportunity I am so very grateful for, because after being on stage with her in February, it has totally shifted and changed my life.  Your energy shifts when you are with her, on stage or even in the audience.  Everyone's energy shifts due to her energy and the healing that occurs.  It is such a beautiful thing to experience, an experience that I kept being drawn to, wanting to connect with these beautiful souls again and again.

We are one Soul Family, all of us who find her, and feel we have been together before.  She cherishes that, respects that, and actually cares and loves each and every one of us, offering help and guidance in our dreams as well.  We all heal each other, she helps to heal me, I help to heal her, we help to heal one another.  We are all connected with the "collective consciousness" and I totally resonate with her and her teachings.  What affects one of us, affects us all.  We are all links in the same chain.  Teal Swan is way beyond her years, and I have been searching for this knowledge since seventh grade.  I remember asking myself, "What are we here for?  There must be some major reason we would come here, knowing we are going to die one day!"  Her teachings have guided and changed many of us, and still are.  New knowledge, inspiration, and insight is pouring out of her weekly.  I make sure that I keep up with her weekly "Ask Teal" videos, her Podcast's with Sarbdeep, and her Blog that I love.  The questions we are thinking usually are answered by one of these sources.  When I am sad and low, I make sure I watch a video of hers, it even comforts me just to see her face and hear her voice, along with the message she wants to give.  I have never experienced any other Spiritual Leader, Mentor, and friend like her in the World, and I am so very grateful and excited to be part of her mission and vision!