My New Life, Signing with Balboa Press

           

I just spoke with Balboa Press, and Kim, my new publishing consultant.  I have just started to put this into motion, becoming a published author, not just writing and writing for years.  I am really excited about this, I have been the past week now.  I just got off the phone with Balboa, and made my first payment of $408.34, who thought you could start to publish your book with such a little investment?  I know by just doing this, and signing a contract with them, will tell the Universe, yes, I am ready.  No more talk, now it is time to do it, get it done, succeed and finally become the author I am meant to become.  I am truly excited, it feels as if my life has already changed drastically, my energy has already shifted to one of being a writer, an author, legitimately too.  My kids have heard me telling them this for years, that I was going to write a book, and now it is going to happen, the energy is already flowing, I can feel it.  No more nanny work for money, for a living, but something else that I love to do, and can really become abundant at doing, in so many ways.  My life will change so much, and be so different, and I will have the finances to have whatever I dream of having, having the life I am truly meant to live.  Ahh, I can already feel it happening, everything is already changing.  
I have already been working on putting all my pages together to submit to Balboa, my manuscript.  I started reading my first few blog entries, and I started in the fall of 2013, I didn't realize it was that long ago.  It is so interesting to read back on, because I have already changed since then.  I have about 250 blog entries, I am sure that is enough for a book.  My goal is to read all of the posts within a month, and correct the changes that need corrected.  I want this to happen fast, no more time just waiting to get it done.  I have been writing pretty much my entire life, so this is way past do.  I have always wanted to write a book about my life, but was not ready I suppose until now.  This is my priority for sure, and I still do not have a nanny job yet, so I am very free to get it done, and I am.  I already have gone through over thirty pages.  The hardest part I see is sitting at the computer so long to type and write.  My back starts to ache so much, I finally rest after hours by laying flat on the ground, relaxing my upper back, giving it a change to rest.  And the pain immediately runs to it.  

My children are coming for dinner tomorrow night, as I want them to come for dinner one night before I leave this borrowed space my previous bosses home.  How grateful I am to her, being here, in this wonderful space, has given me the opportunity to trust my heart, and do what I truly want to do, and have wanted to do for years.  The energy here is great, the backyard and deck, is nestled in the trees, along with a naturally flowing brook in the back.  It is a great space to create, you can feel it, and I am sure much has been created in this space.  They both are entrepreneurs, doing what they love, giving back, working from home, successful and happy.  I think being in this higher energy space, other than the room I was going to stay in, has totally helped shift my energy, and know I can accomplish my dreams, especially my dream of becoming an author now.  So, I figured we would celebrate together tomorrow night, my three children and I, and maybe some of their friends if they can come.  I miss the Sunday dinners, each Sunday my daughter would make the best pot of tomatoe sauce, and we would have pasta, lasagna and such.  And summers are meant to have family and friends over every weekend to celebrate life, celebrate each other, and enjoy the moment.  Look at what I had and I didn't even know it, did I take so much for granted, I did.  Don't look at your life now, and see what's in your face.  Can you give that person love instead of complaint?  Can you give yourself love, instead of pain?  Love and forgiveness from the past, it is done, you did the best you could, we all did.   We did not know any better, if we did we would have done better!  But, truly it never is too late, never too late to open your heart to love, to open to receive the love from others, the love that is inside of your self.  For I have a feeling it is so deep, so blissful, it will sweep us away to high heaven and beyond.  I can not wait, I have been asking the question since seventh grade, what is this all about?  What are we here for?  Finally I am learning to see some of the answers, but am still struggling with so much as well.  I want life to be free and easy, for me, you, and all of us.
My wish for you is to follow your dreams, and never give up.  What is the point for settling into a life we are not truly happy in?  What is the point in waking up each morning not even wanting to get out of bed?  What is the point worrying about everything and anything that "could" happen to you, that could go wrong?  For what?  Hell, we may as well be happy, and if we are not, figure out a way to be, figure out something else to do.  Do what?  Do what you truly love, what's in your heart, what makes you happy when you are doing it.  And, turn it into work, turn it into a way to become financially abundant, and live.  Truly live, in joy, and peace within ourselves, and happiness.

Signing my Contract with Balboa Press

Today is the day I sign up with Balboa Press!! Yes, it is! Wow, what a day this is going to be.  Somehow this is happening, thank you God, Universe, Source for pushing me ahead, and not giving up.  I have been writing forever in a journal, and blogging for a few years, and decided to write a book about self love.  "My Spiritual Journey to Self Love", which I have stated before, this blog my book.  

So excited, I have so much work to do, but now I have to get showered, and run to the bank to put money into my account to pay for part of this.  They actually take payments, and your book doesn't even have to be ready, as mine is not.  I will have to read all of my posts, and put them together for a book.  I do not even remember what I wrote over a year ago, and went back to look at that.  It is so interesting when you go back and see how you felt and where you were.  I started writing at the beginning of when I found Teal Swan as well, so it will be pretty cool to see the growth and transition in her and I.  As each workshop I see Teal in, she has grown more and more as well, and we have all become more aware and conscious, I see it in every workshop.

This is an exciting day, an exciting time for me, and I am going to embrace it.  

A Beach Day with my Family and the Kids!!

So much has been happening so fast.  It is Friday already and the week flew by.  I was so fortunate to spend the day with my two wonderful nieces, and their boys, my GREAT nephews!  My mom is no longer with us, and I am the only female left in the family, besides my sister in laws of course.  It has always been important to me to stay close to the children, even when they grow up if they choose.  And, to stay close to their children, my great nephews.  I want to be part of my life, as I love being with my family as you already know.
My one niece and I were very close for years, and she had children, got busy and I do not get to see her as often.  But she lives 20 minutes from the beach, loves the beach as I do, so now is the time to see her.  Actually, she is the niece who I use to take to the beach alone when she was young, even five years old, along with her younger brother.  I loved the beach, loved the kids, and would drive from North Jersey, pick them up in Central Jersey and head to the beach.  I do not know how I had the energy to do that now as I look back, and I wonder why my sister in law didn't come with me as we were so close.  I think it was also about giving her a break with the kids.  Either way, I was very close to her growing up, and loved it.
Being with her, spending the day with her and her two sons was so awesome, so comforting, so loving.  And, my other niece came, but this one I have been very close to for the past five years since she has moved in with my brother with her two boys when she was divorced.  I was close to her when she was young as well, we always had a special connection.  I know her boys well too, since I have been around them a lot since they were small, and they are only five and seven now.
We had an awesome day, the beach was perfect, not too hot at all.  And the water was pretty warm for July and the kids and my niece swam in the ocean so much of the day.  The kids all love the water, just like mine did, and it is so nice to see them riding the waves all day.  I love the water as well, the waves are so much fun, it was just a little to chilly for me to dive into, but I did get in as much as I could.  The water is so cleansing, so healing, and that is why so many of us flock there all summer long.  Ahh, the fresh air, the sunshine, the ocean, so beautiful.  But, I realize I do not enjoy it as much going alone anymore, I almost don't even want to.  It is so much more fun for me to be with others on the beach, because I am alone so much of the time now.
After the beach we went back to my sister in laws home, showered, ate some healthy organic veggies from the CSA she is part of, and ran to the fair that was in town.  When I got back to her house I was feeling sick, so drained, so nauseous from the sun, and barely drank any water all day.  I had to sit down on the couch a few minutes and rest, and then the shower helped, even though I still felt so nauseous.  But, I purged ahead, and went to the fair with them, knowing how precious these times together are for me, and how far and few between they are.
The fair was awesome too, it was huge, and there was so much to do.  The boys were fun, we saw the bees, the pig races, got to pet the bunnies, and ate.  I left before them, wanting to drive in the daytime and not in the night, as I have problems seeing in the darkness driving now.

         
Waking up the next day, it has left me filled with love, my cup is running over.  Wow, to realize how important it is to stay connected to my family, to others, when I always just took it for granted.  Because I was always with family, always with people, until my divorce.  Then, after that, I turned into a hermit for years, stayed in except for taking care of the kids, and going to the gym.  I totally lost sense of a support system, totally felt I didn't need anyone, didn't reach out to others and I guess they didn't reach out much to me either and stay connected.
But now that is all changing.  I want others around, all the time, I want my home to be filled with the laughter of family, friends, loved ones, and especially children.  It is amazing that I had to come to a place of feeling empty inside, to know how much I need to be filled, filled with the love from others.  And that means staying connected, staying connected physically with the ones I love, and staying connected with my Soul Family on face book as well.
For today I am feeling lucky, I am blessed, I am free,
Namaste

Becoming an Author!

It truly does help to stay connected to others when you feel your life is turning upside down.  It actually helps to ground you.  Grounding, big word for me, something I need to be aware of all day!  I have found myself remembering to deep breath in the car when I am feeling excited, nervous, stressed.  I think it is helping as I do feel calmer, and am more aware of and in touch with my feelings.  Being with my best two friends this week, friends I have known from childhood, has totally helped cradle me in love.  In feeling loved, knowing I am not here alone, knowing someone else loves me and cares.  And, especially knowing I am known, I am understood, totally and deeply understood by someone because they have known me for life.  For these friendships, I am honored, I am blessed, and it has truly given me the faith, strength, hope and courage to know I will be okay.  I will be better than okay, I will get through it, I am almost there!

I also expressed to her how I had an Angel Therapy session over five years ago, and she explained Archangel Gabriel was watching over me telling me to write!  To keep that journal and write a book, and then she asked me do you write.  Hell ya, I do!! And, the funny thing now is that woman is now a Hay House author and lives in my area.  She wrote her first book with Balboa Press, and then Hay House picked her book up to publish.  A coincidence?  I doubt it, more like synchronicity, a word I wasn't even aware of back then.  I do remember when I met her, Karen Noe, saying to myself, wow, she is an author, a person just like me, but has a book published.  If she could accomplish this, then so can I, as we are no different.  My dream has always been to become an author, I just never totally believe that I could.  But, now I am ready, so ready, and it is time.  I know it and feel it in my bones, so ready now to accomplish this.  Especially since the nanny job I had lined up fell through, I totally understood the Universe is pushing me to do more, no more being a nanny, living alone, and not being happy with the life I am leading.  No more just working like that to keep up, pay my bills, but still living being so unhappy.  Yes, I do love children, and enjoy that work, but it becomes very draining for me, and I know I have so much more to give.  I always have, it's just getting the courage, strength and faith to know I can do it.  Know I can succeed, as long as I do the work.  And, now is the perfect time as I do not have steady work now, and am going to move in with my brother for awhile until I create some financial abundance to get my own place.  It is as if the Universe has been shaking me up this last year, as I have lived in seven places already, and a year isn't even up yet.  How much more does the Universe have to shake me up to tell me what I am doing isn't working for me?  There is much more for me to do and give.  Well, now I finally get it and it is time.  Speaking with her made me so excited, it was as if I was high knowing my dream is going to come true.  I like to go with Teal Swan's sayings, like "Inown", and if you desire it, it is already done.  We are all given special gifts, people call it your life purpose, and this is definitely part of mine, and has been for years.  I am finally owning it, and putting it as my first priority for happiness and abundance, and not keep brushing it under the table, forgetting how much I love to write!An awesome thing happened to me today, and it started on the ride home yesterday from my girlfriends home down the shore.  I kept asking the Universe to send me the work I am here to do, always questioning what to focus on first, realizing once again my first true love is to write.  I love writing, always have, and having the body issues I have it is so much easier for me.  As much as I need to connect and want to live with someone, I have become such a homey, wanting to stay in and work, and getting out when I want to.  So, I asked the Universe for help, to show me how to accomplish publishing my book and becoming an author, and low and behold the employee from Balboa Press, who I have spoken to before called.  Wow, right then and there a huge smile came to my face, knowing the Universe was talking to me, what synchronicity.  Even though I was driving on the Parkway, I answered quickly knowing I should.  We spoke quickly, as I told her I was driving that I would call her back.  She said she would phone me the next day, and she did.  She also thanked me for answering her call!  She is very, very sweet, with a calm, kind voice, and a smile on her face.  

As we spoke for over an hour and a half, I was truly excited about becoming an author, and speaking with her made it all seem real, like it totally could happen!   She was so positive and focused on me and my dream of becoming an author.  The things she said were so true to me, language I use about creating what you want, abundance, becoming the author I have always dreamed of, making me feel and believe it can happen!  When I told her I knew Teal Swan, she expressed imagine being a colleague, an author just like her with the same Publishing Company.  How real it felt, how accessible it felt, how true to me at the time to do this, what I have been wanting to do for years upon years.  
                   
I have been keeping a journal regularly since I have been 18 years old, I even remember taking my first journal to the park to write about the sadness and pain I was feeling at the time.  Writing always seemed to take it away for me, releasing, letting go, and feeling better afterwards.  After my divorce I wrote so much, and wanted to turn those journals into a book, but each time I went back to my journals to write, it was too sad, too sad for me to put it together and type it out on the computer, so I kept putting it aside.  
Then, in the fall of 2013, on my quest for self love due to my daughters talking about moving out, I decided instead of writing all in my journal, I decided to blog.  Everyone who loved to write was blogging, and I figure this way half the work would be done, it would all be written down on my blogs.  And, now it is time to put it all together and get it done!  
Amazing this could be. Love and light.

Feeling Okay Today

Wow, all the things that are happening so fast, like the speed of lightening!  I guess its good?  Or not!  My feelings already this morning have changed drastically, from waking up so sad, to feeling so grateful for all I have in my life, the people in it especially my children.  I also realize how much I need to see my family and friends right now.  I woke up in lots of pain today, and that doesn't help with the positive attitude of gratitude.  The pain, why?  Why is it there?  To make me do other things like stay home and write?  To force me to chill out and take care of myself?  I don't think I believe that, as I have been working on this for years now.  Caring for me, resting, saying no to others, not always doing so much.  Oh well, I chose now to not focus on it, and send those parts in pain white light, blessings of Gods eternal light.  Louise Hay says neck pain is being inflexible, which is funny because I always thought I was!  Wow, flexible, easy going, caring.  But, looking at how long I held onto my past with my ex and children, shows me how inflexible I have been.  Not going with the flow of the river downstream and just gliding, but swimming against it, holding onto that one last branch not wanting to let go! I have finally let go of that past for now, looking forward to a future with someone, someone to connect with, bond with, and love.

I got to spend time with my family, the family I use to care for with four children!  We all love each other so much, the children hug and kiss me all the time, telling me how much they love me.  I have no idea why I do not visit them more often, as they fill my cup with so much love!  And I am close to the two mothers, we are friends, and we have always talked about life stuff, my children, etc. with each other.  And they have the best parents ever as well, and I got to see their mom also.  Being there, in the craziness of children laughing, running around, warmed my heart.  That chaos that I miss, showing me the energy in life, the energy of the children, the joy, the love they bring.  I am so grateful to have them part of my life, and will make sure I get to see them more often for sure.  The one girl told me when I left, it ripped out their hearts!  Wow, what a piece of guilt right there, that really made me look at how I left once again, and made me feel so bad.  So bad that I did not keep better in touch when I left, like I should have, and they needed to stay connected to me, I saw them for two years all week, and we were so close. 
                            
So many regrets I have, so many things to forgive myself for.  Forgiving ourselves is a big one for me, something I still always have to work on.  Teal Swan has a meditation on forgiving, forgiving yourself which I couldn't even listen to the day I tried, not feeling strong enough to go through those emotions alone.  But, I have been facing more and more past memories where I need to forgive myself, and have been working my way through them.  Even this morning a cat ran inside the home I am staying in, and when it saw me it ran out!  But, it was a trigger for me, triggering the last two cats I had and how I gave them away and we stuffed them in a box so scared it was horrible.  And my daughter who loves the animals didn't even get to say goodbye.  I was in a terrible place, and wasn't suppose to have two cats, and when my landlord saw them he wanted them out, and I was trying to move into his other larger unit, so I felt I had to find them a new home.  That was when I was hanging out with that guy, who was so bad for me, I don't know how I put up with him so long, and wanted to.

Any way, so much more has happened. I spoke to my other brother about living there awhile, he opened his door for me, unlike my other brother just did.  Then, I got a phone call from one of my girlfriends friends, who I saw Sunday at the Graduation Party.  When she mentioned her children moved out, I made a comment joking, that I needed a place to crash for a few weeks, do you need a room mate?  I suppose she thought about it, and she called me the next day.  We talked a long time on the phone, little did I know how connected she is to the Angels, and the Spirit world.  She gave me insights on how much power I do have, take it back, and do what I came here to do.  And she told me to breathe, breathe in for eight counts, hold for eight, and breathe out for eight, which I have been doing ever since.  She told me I was working too hard, trying to hard, to just sit back and let it happen because it will.  It will happen, it will unfold, it is already done.  I love that, and remind myself of that when I am happy, all we want is already here in front of us, we just have to believe it to be true, and it is. 
 We made plans to get together Friday, to see her place and talk about moving in.  She explained that she never had a room mate, and has a husky dog who is very hairy, and I explained that my brother did offer me to stay with him as well.  She basically told me that would be too much negativity for me to live with, how would she know?  She explained to me how intuitive she is, and gave stories to back it up.  After I hung the phone up, I thanked the Universe for sending her, feeling blessed things are working out in a way I would never have planned.  Little did I know after knowing her for years, how deep, and intuitive she is, just like me.  I guess it goes to show you how like energies attract.  This totally cheered me up when I woke up the next day, even just having her as a new friend this way.  I have no idea what type of home she has, so I will see how I feel after being there with her, but at least now I have options.  And I always can stay at my brothers home as well.  I almost feel as if he will be disappointed, I think he needs a shift, a change, and someone around would help that shift.  I would enjoy being there for him, as he has always been there for me. 
Blessings!

Part time Nanny Position

   

Okay, I just got in touch with someone about a new nanny position and this one is perfect for me.  It is only two days from 2:30-9:00, here in Bergen County.  My plan is to crash somewhere up North once a week, even though I will be staying in Central Jersey.  This keeps me connected to up here, as I feel I need still, and it is two days in a row which I love.  I feel the afternoon school care is something I no longer want to do, so this is perfect.  She has three children, so the pay will be at least $20 an hour.  And maybe I can crash at my daughters home twice a month, and maybe stay at my old bosses home the other times.  I would ask my daughters to crash there once a week, but have a feeling that will be too much for them, as they want their time alone now.  I just called her back, and have an appointment to see her this afternoon, so I am thrilled.  I realize I do enjoy the family setting so much, being part of that, but also know I need to do much bigger things now.  But, I need money coming in no matter what, and this is a sure way that I can do that, and enjoy myself at the same time.  
I also have an appointment with a mom in Central Jersey, for three days a week, the same three days I have off.  It is an easy job, one infant eight months old, and then I will have a job where I will be staying as well.  My plan is to save as much money as I can in a few months, so I can get my own place with a room mate.  Preferably up North near my children I think, but I never seem to know how I am feeling until I am in it.  So, I hope to have a job in both areas, and after a few months figure out where I would rather be, and keep one of those jobs.  And I will still be looking to do some Angel Card Readings, and Reiki work, looking for the Universe to set me up with that too.  
Love and Light 

My Friends Party, Feeling Connected, Spoke to my other Brother!

Okay, another day of confusion, trying to figure my life out in thirty days or less!  That is what I feel like, knowing that was the amount of time I had here, in this home which feels like being in the forest, thank the Heavens for that.  I am going back and forth on where to stay for awhile, either here, up North where my kids are, or Central Jersey, an hour South of here, to where my other family is, my brothers, sister in laws and only about one friend.  I don't have a huge support system either way, I do everything alone, make my own decisions, etc. Everyone in my family get busy with their own life, unlike my ex's.  We were always together, loving the connection, wanting to be together and celebrating life.  

 I sat on the bed this morning realizing how lonely I am, how so many other people I know, are never alone, family is up their butt 24/7, and they love it, they need it, they couldn't live any other way.  They depend on each other, complain to each other about things, and are always talking with someone, always having someone to listen to them any time of any day.  Wow, did I change my life drastically when I divorced.  So many things changed, I wish had not.  I love others coming and going, having an open home for family and friends to always come to, always be there for each other even just physically.  To see people each day, their energies coming into and out of your home, is so comforting to me now, and not having it I am realizing how much I miss it, and how I took it for granted.  For granted, I took the loved ones in my life for granted, but I do not any longer.  Now, I am always telling my children or family how grateful I am to be with them, to talk to them, bond with them, reconnect about their life, their dreams, their anything.  Waking up alone daily is so very draining.  Draining to be alone, with no comfort around, no one to share a "Good morning", no one to share your happiness, sadness, what you are doing for the day, no bond, no connection to anyone.  Just you, and who else?  Yes, Source, God, the Universe is there, I know. But, I do not feel that ultimate connection yet, feeling the power of being connected to all things, and to each other, and the Universe.
So, yesterday my girlfriend had a party for her daughter who graduated High School, and I realized how nice it was to even be around her, around them, a family I have known since I have been divorced.  I was always so connected, and grew up with a huge family, and had my sister in laws and my eight nieces and nephews around, along with my three children.  We were together all the time, we were so happy, so happy to enjoy raising our children together and being up each others butt.  I suppose the drastic change gets to me, when I ask the Universe why?  Why I went from being so connected to so many, to barely being connected to anyone, or at least feeling that way.  That is because I like the door opening and closing in my home, with amazing souls walking in and out of it.  So, my dream is to have a home on the water, with loving souls in it with me, all the time, and extra souls coming in and out anytime they want.  It is not only about money for me, success, as I have said, its so much about love, having loving ones around me, connection, enjoying each others company, doing things together.  So many things I wish I did differently, but I won't go back there now.  I will focus on what I want, what makes me happy and what feels good, and hop on the Pain of Joy.  And when the money comes, it will go to help as many people as I can get it to help, in so many ways. 
                                             
So, after the party yesterday my plan was to visit another brother of mine, the oldest, to see if I can stay with him a few weeks, or months, until I figure out where to be.  I need a plan this time, knowing where I will lay my head, because this is draining, and confusing.  He was happy and in a good mood, and we talked for awhile.  I doubt he gets many visitors, but I stop by often to see him when I am down that way, knowing he is alone like me.  He was divorced when I did, and has one son.  He never remarried, and hasn't brought many women around, more like me that way.  
I finally got the balls to ask him if I could stay in August, he said yea, sure, and showed me the room I would be in.  He has a small Cape Cod, and there are two small rooms downstairs along with the Living Room.  His bedroom is upstairs.  The room is fine, he was so nice about it.  He also has a dog which I love, of course, and I will enjoy her being around.  Yes, she will be hairy he explained, but I will keep her out of the bedroom I sleep in to help with the hair, and at this point, I truly do not even care about that.  
After being turned down by my other brother, I had a fear of rejection from this brother too.   As people are not who they seem to me.  Either my family has changed big time, or I have become so bad about reading others energies!   
So, for now I feel relief, relieved I will have a place to lay my head for now.  
Thank you God, Universe, Source
Much love always

Looking for Homes to Rent

I went to see some homes to rent yesterday because I thought I had someone who wanted a house share as well.  She seemed to have changed her mind, but I went and looked anyway.  I found an awesome place in Haledon, a little more North from here, nice and quiet near some woods.  The place is an amazing price, with a finished basement, new kitchen and appliances as well.  I am sitting down to fill out the application and realize I don't even have a job to do this.  How can I get a place without an income coming in, even if this rental is not until September.  Go with the idea that the Universe will figure out the how, I just have to know what I want?  Is it that easy?  I will have the money for the security deposit as I am waiting for my other deposit from the other apartment I just left.  I need a place to live as my old boss will be back in two weeks, and I still don't know what to do.  A nanny job hasn't come to me, and I haven't made the effort yet to go knocking on some Chiropractors doors for money, feeling so confused.
                                                           
So confused I am again, because I would love to get this house as it is right next to the College my daughter is going to attend.  And, her apartment will be up in November, and she has already decided to live with her Aunt after that, temporarily until she can manage on her own once again.  If I lived there, she could actually live with me, if she wanted to, but I would have to have enough to pay the rent.  My son could also actually move in as well, even though he says he wants to live alone.
Why does it always end up being a money issue for me?  My soul family tell me I need to work on changing my energy about money, which I have been working on lately.  Teal Swan has a video and a meditation about money, which has been my focus the last few days, and will be each day into the future.

I even thought of going to my brothers if I can, living with him for a bit and focusing on getting my book out.  Working on getting my blog together to submit to Balboa Press.  They can start helping me with my book for as little as $414!! Which is crazy to me, that is totally worth the investment, even now, as this is my dream.  My dream to stay in and write, and become an author which has been a life long dream of mine.  It seems like the time, I am ready, I can work part time, and take the rest of the time to get it together, without having to pay rent.  Let's see what happens.
Namaste, Love to all

Getting to Spend Time with another BFF for Life!

I finally got to take the trip to see my girlfriend down in Manahawkin.  She lives with her brother on the lagoon and they lost the home in the storm.  They have only been in a few months, but it is a brand new home, raised, of course, and beautiful!  I was so very happy for them, as her bother had a scare this year, a brain aneurysm which required immediate surgery.  And he survived, what a miracle of will.  So, it was great to see him as well, safe and sound in his new home.  

My girlfriend and I hit the beach, even though it wasn't sunny all day, ready to rain.  The beach is always so relaxing, and so easy to talk and unload.  I always unload to my friend, and she finally unloaded to me.  I am grateful she shared many things with me, so I can be there for her as she always is to me.  And, she needs the support as well, as we all do. 

I realized, she is in a total different energy field then me, her, her brother and son.  They all live in the space of "The chain of pain", as the Hicks state in their book, Sara I (an awesome book for sure).  They use an analogy of chains of pain or joy.  There are two chains, the chain of pain, and the chain of joy.  What do you want to feel, good or bad?  If we want to feel good, then we have to think good thoughts, thoughts that make us feel good.  So, this is obviously the "Chain of Joy".  And, of course, we attract what we put out, our energies change, and bam, we are constantly living in the Chain of Joy!! I loved this analogy, it totally resonated with me right away.  To know that we have so much control.  Control of our lives, control of our thoughts, control of our future, because our thoughts create our lives, our future.  

So then, what is the "Chain of Pain?"  Easy guess, always worrying, always looking for the worse to happen in every situation, always twisting reality to the negative, seeing the bad, etc.  So many of us live in that state, as I have had many times as well, but no longer, I jump out of that quicker each time.  The more we complain and focus on what is going wrong, the more it happens, the more the Universe brings it to us!  My friends who are this was do not even realize this, even though we were sitting together and they were explaining how all the bad always happens to their place!  The wind blows their stuff away, etc.  They even made comments how it's only their place.  Do you think that is why?  Because they are on the chain of pain, not the chain of joy.  I would love to teach them this theory and evaluate the synchronicity that occurs if they followed through, what a great experiment to run.  

My friend and I spent a few hours on the beach, as the sun ran in and out of the clouds overhead.  It was a nice day giving us the chance to connect and relax.  I finally got to listen to things she was struggling with now, because she is always there listening to my stuff, helping me clear my head to make so many decisions.  

We got back to the house hungry from the beach.  I guess we cooked because she had the impression I didn't enjoy going out to dinner, but I do.  I do love it as long as there is food I can eat.  But, I realized after I left, that when we brought up what to do for dinner, she was hesitant, and said we could cook.  Which it was late already, and we still had to go to the food store.  See, I tried to be considerate, and let her do what she wanted, so I didn't say, hey, we can go to dinner if you want.  I just went along with it.  We didn't get done eating until 8:00, and we were expecting a storm.  They were very worried about the furniture flying away, and I was worried about driving home in the pouring rain on the Parkway and the Turnpike and not being able to see!  The roads are so poorly maintained that you cannot even see the white lines on the road in the rain, and many spots do not even have any lines, and we pay to drive on these roads.  

So, I said my goodbyes right after we ate, wishing I could have just stayed the night and left in the morning, not wanting to be stuck in the storm, driving two hours home in the dark!!

So, what happened?  Yep, the storm came soon after, so bad we couldn't see on the road, and I got off the Parkway as soon as I could and took a different way back up North.  I got in at 11:00 pm, taking me two and a half hours to get home.  I was exhausted, and went straight to bed, telling myself I am not going to be driving so much this summer like usual.  It is so not fun for me anymore.  I was bummed and drained.  

                                                                                       
Being with them made me realize how much I have changed, and how I can see others more clearly.  It is so important to focus on the good, being in the state of gratitude as much as you can remember too, because it totally does make a difference.  They do not seem to be in a state of gratitude even though they have a brand new home on the lagoon, and he is alive, knowing he chose life and created a miracle.  So, what does that mean?  That it is hard for us to change?  That we each wake up when it is our time?  I'm not sure, but I am glad I am learning to be in a state of gratitude more often, especially when I have no income now, no job, and basically no home.  I do have a place to stay for a few more weeks, until the family comes home.  My most recent wonderful, amazing boss, offered me her home to stay in while they were gone for five weeks, and longer if I needed to!  That is gratitude right there!! I just know I won't feel so comfortable here with them, so I need to find a place for August to move to.  

So, I learned a lot visiting my friend, seeing life differently.  A funny thing happened after having dinner with her, my stomach hurt the entire ride home.  I realized it was the energy in their home, their energy and it was affecting me!  There I go again, being sensitive with other's energy, forgetting to put on my Young Living essential oils, forgetting to breathe in the negative energy and transmute it into the earth, forgetting to expand the purple flame out of my heart and into my space!  Always forgetting to do these things I have been taught. Her son's energy was so intense, he was sweating and couldn't relax, and basically got up quickly after he ate and ran out.  He has energy like my daughter, very intense, and doesn't breathe deep, preventing relaxation and many other things.  My daughter is definitely calming down, I think her boyfriend helps with this, and being aware of her energy around her dog, calming energy for sure.  The energy always seems to affect me, and I always seem to forget that!! I forget to pray each morning for the Angels and my Guides to walk with me each day, especially when I wake up not home.  And, I don't even have a home now!! Just a temporary place to lay my head, but I am grateful for that! Lol  

Going to Visit an Old, Lifelong Friend!

So many thoughts going through my mind.  Spending the day with one of my oldest and dearest friends in the world Monday was amazing for my spirit!  Wow, just being with her, and talking to her for five hours was such a joy.  I had no idea it was going to be such a wonderful feeling, to know someone else out there knows you so well, throughout your lifetime actually.  What a sense of love and comfort that is to me, being in the place I feel now, so unconnected from others.  
 It was so exciting, her showing me her new home, which is Colonial of course, with a beautiful side porch where we had lunch.  It was just so perfect, her touring me through her home, so happy, proud, and content.  Each room we walked into, we stopped and talked and talked!!  With the fireplace in the Living Room, and the window seats, built in bookcase, and master bedroom in the attic, with open staircases around, it is a beautiful, lovely home, so much like her!! 
We spoke of all things, things that happened in the past, her new life with her new husband, and how they met, of course it was an online website.  The Universe has been pushing me that way, yes, I do see the signs, and already started a profile on the site my friend just got married on.  We talked about how long ago she was married and divorced, the guys she has seen.  I spoke about the jerks I have been with, that is why I gave up on love years ago.  I also spoke about the new work I want to do for abundance, my "spiritual stuff" I call it!  Yes, I am owning it, and really awaken to realizing so many people around here are doing it for money.  Only reading Cards, only doing Reiki, only being a Life Coach!  Only becoming an author, just these things I want to do as well, because they are my first loves, my purpose here.  The Yoga studio sounded like a good choice, after talking to her, but I never did bring up my first love to her, my love of writing.  I did briefly bring up that I wrote some children's books, but that flew away with the clouds.  I can teach children's yoga, and hopefully have a job lined up with my nieces friend for September.  It will be great to start in anyway toward my path, toward the work I am truly meant to do, by touching so many lives.  I know I am here to help make changes to others on such a broad spectrum, to touch so many lives, and now is the time.  I know it, I feel it.  I felt it when I was crying in that apartment over my life, that if this is all it has come down to, then there is not reason to be here.  As there is so much more out there, and knowing deep down I have so much more to give, on such a larger scale.  

When I got home at 7:30, I was so exhausted, I laid on the bed and passed out!! I woke up later that night to a call from my other close friend, and that made me happy.  Happy to know people do care, and I am not alone in this world. 
I woke up the next morning feeling so much better, lighter, freer, more sure of myself and my future, feeling more faith knowing everything will be okay.  I am working on being where I should be, which has always been helping humanity as much as I possibly can.  It is not a coincidence that I am one of seven children, six boys, being the woman who always use to work things out in the family, and was a Psychology major in College.  So, what is the best way I can help now, today, touching as many souls as I can?? Sounds like writing and sounds like yoga.  I can't keep pushing my writing out the back door, as it is, and always has been a true love of mine!  You should see the first journal I wrote in in like Junior High School, I still have it!  It's so cute, it is pink and has a picture of a little girl with blonde hair on it, just like me.  I only wrote a sentence or two at that time, like where we went and who I was with, but it called to me then. 

I reached out for a house share and got a message from a young girl very interested.  So, then I got right on Craigslist to look for a two room apartment, and found a few.  I spoke with the girl and she seemed cool, and told her we should meet Saturday to talk.  She sounded serious, and sounded like she truly needed a place, works near where I want to live as well.  This could be great, a room mate, and I would have a place of my own, my own stuff again, my own space, not having to just rent a room from someone!!  And the places I saw all had Dining Rooms, yay, as I love and miss my set!! The Dining Room table for me is LOVE, filled with love, loving times sharing together over food, over holidays, the things I appreciate and have memories of!  To have more memories with my children, and loved ones, to be able to have others over my place, would be so nice, if they come!! So, I hope this works out with her, I hope to go see a few places soon as well.

I am waiting for my security deposit back from my old landlords, and that money will pay for some of the new place, and now need a job ASAP!!  I am okay with that, not even a worry at all about it, just feeling overwhelmed by my choices to make money, but focusing on being where I should be and allowing the Universe to provide financially for me.  In what ever way that may be.  Teal Swan had a podcast or video about not limiting where the abundance will come from, as it doesn't always have to come from you.  I don't have to be the only one contributing financially to my success, others can too.  That is why I have a strong feeling my old boss will be able to help me out, like we met for us to work together, to form something to help empower all, especially the children!! 
For now, I am going to get in the shower and visit my other best friend for life from childhood in Manahawkin, to the house on the lagoon.  She invited me down for the day.  It will be nice to be away for the day tomorrow, even though I feel I have so much to do, always feeling that way.  But, I was working the entire day, it's now 5:15, I made phone calls, sent out letters, and did all I needed to do for weeks.  I am happy for that and proud of myself, as I even reached out to try to sue my lender as I had a home that fell into foreclosure, and the banks made many illegal actions which have been proven to be true.  Wow, wouldn't that be a dream, to be able to get some cash from that transaction?  From how Chase stole money from so many of us, thank you Universe in advance for allowing this to happen to me now, in my life now, so I can feel the security of financial freedom and do things I have always wanted to go, and travel where I want as well, especially to see Teal, and be there at her Workshops!! When I was visiting her last year, going to five of the Workshops, my energy was so high, and life was changing fast, within myself.  But, after my children moved out in November, and I have not been to see her or go to a workshop, it has been pretty tough, difficult, and very emotional.   Staying connected with her, my soul family, is so important to my well being, it seems.  I do know how to do things to lift my energy, like sound healings, kirtans, etc.  but don't reach out to that as often as I should either.
Anyway, I have to go get ready so I can get out of here, and take that two hour ride to see my BFF!! 
Love to all, love, light and freedom!  Feel that safety the Universe has, if not, reach out to someone today, and every day you are low.  This is something I still have to work on, reaching out when I am sad, not hibernating and staying in!! 
Namaste!!

Fourth of July Weekend

It is Monday, after the fourth of July.  I had a nice weekend away, stayed with my one brother Saturday night and hung out with his wife, and then Sunday hit the beach with my niece, her family, then back to her place for a BBQ.  It is mostly my nieces friends, and some of my brothers, who I am not close to at all.  Some of my brothers are pretty negative, critical, and stay away from the family pretty much now. Things changed greatly with my family when my three brothers divorced years ago, and out went my sister in laws which I loved.  And, they seemed to pull away, just wanting to be left alone from the family, or at least from me.  My oldest brother is always there for me, has always been after my divorce and has helped me financially when I reached out.  I will always be there for him of course, because of how much he has helped me.  I would always be there for any of my brothers if something happened to them, but they don't want much of a relationship with me, and that's okay once I finally accepted it.  

When I went to see my sister in law Saturday, the one I asked if I could stay with for a month or two and she told me my brother said I could not stay there! Wow, holy shit, that came to a huge surprise to me for many reasons.  Because this is the sister in law who has always told me I could stay with her if I needed to, the one that feels family needs to be there for you when you need someone.  But, when I look back, they always said they would take my parents in if they needed to, but didn't take my Mom in when she couldn't live alone anymore, and they put her in a nursing home, which was her only request not to do.  Her one request after raising the seven of us, was to please "do not put me in a Nursing Home!"  And we did!  I remember being in the hospital outside her door when my brother told me they wanted to put her straight into a Nursing home from the Hospital, instead of her house, for financial reasons, I begged him not to.  I asked about me bringing her home, and getting a nurse, or whatever, but my brother was not supportive of that.  And why after they preached for years how they would take my Mother in and care for her when she needed it, they did not, they were not there for her. Yes, I remember my niece saying how her Mother now has Cancer, and will not be able to care for my Mother, so there she went, away to a horrible, terrible place, that I will never forgive myself for.  I will never forget the first time I saw her there, when she said,  "Carol Ann, why did you put me here?"  It was terrible, my children and I cried for years going to visit her, as she had to stay there a few years before she passed. I love you Mom, and I always ask for her forgiveness! 
Now, I am so confused over his answer, not even his answer, over his attitude towards me.  His attitude not to want to help me when I need help, when I cried to my sister in law how I felt I needed to be around loved ones right now for support!  How he doesn't want to help me, doesn't want to be there for me, and basically doesn't care about my emotional state, and how I am really doing, living my life each day.  So, if family truly means, "I am there for you when you truly need me, always", then what type of family is he?  And, my sister in law couldn't convince him to back down, and to be there for me?  Ugh, I was grateful I did not shed one tear, and haven't over this yet.  I am not heartbroken, I am disappointed, and it reconfirms how he has been treating me the last few years, he has been critical, and has even gotten mad at me and given me shit over basically nothing!  He yelled at me one day when I shut the refrigerator, telling me why am I shutting the door so hard, but he literally yelled at me, getting mad at me over it.  That was when I walked out, and pulled away from him for at least a year.  I guess he hasn't changed towards me, he definitely has issues with me, and I am a huge trigger for him over who knows what, and now he has showed me he is not a brother I can turn to when I need someone.  So, tell me, what is the point of being there for a brother and his wife, caring about them and wanting to see them, when he is on your case, and doesn't want to help you when you truly need it.  He even yelled at me about two months ago to "mind my own business", when he was on my sister in laws case to throw some fertilizer on the lawn after she was working at a fund raiser all day, and we were sitting in the back yard around 5:00 finally for a break.  And, did I mention this sister in law has also been ill many times?  
So, now I have a decision to make, do I just blow this off and ignore it, or do I not want to even waste my time or energy on a family member who truly doesn't care about my emotional state, or how I am suffering, nor want to be there for me.  So, I found this out Saturday, and his daughter was the one having the Fourth of July BBQ the next day, which I was suppose to attend.  I thought of not attending, not even wanting to see him.  But, I also didn't want to disappoint my niece, by not showing up, so I decided to go.  And, what happens, he pretends there is nothing wrong, comes up to me and gives me a kiss hello.  He doesn't even do that to me anymore when I am at his home, he basically ignores me or just says hello.  No, I am sorry, our actions affect our relationships, don't you think?  Doesn't it matter how I treat you, how I feel about you, if I am there for you or not?  Now, we are going camping, a trip I started for my family, but no one in my family can make it except him, his wife, and his family.  (They own a Coach)  Now, I do not even want to go.  I have no desire to be around him any more, let alone for the weekend in the woods.  But, I am the one that planned it and would feel badly cancelling.  My niece just cancelled a few days ago, and they were disappointed about that, as I was too.  Now, I will feel like a hypocrite!  Ugh, so confused I am, and to tell you the truth, I don't even have time for this because as you know, I have to worry about a place to live NOW, and a JOB!  Serious things to worry about, not worry about a brother that truly doesn't care about his sisters health nor well being.  

On a happy, grateful note, I have gotten in touch with one of my best friends from our street growing up, who I haven't seen in two years.  We made plans to get together today!  I am so excited to see her, I reached out to her feeling I needed connections again to others. Moving into this new space, where I have been almost two weeks now, gave me a sense to connect.  To connect with family, lol, loved ones, to get my sense of safety and security back, feeling like my head is spinning after moving twice in one week!  I am actually even nervous, realizing I get this way at times, and need to breath and relax!! She has gotten married in the time we were not in touch, and has found a new home in a new town.  I am so happy for her, and can't wait to see her!  So, I am off, I will let you know how it all goes.
Namaste, sending love and light to all, always!!

Wow, What a Morning, my Brain is All Over the Place!

     

Woke up really early as I have been lately, by 7:00 am.  It was rainy, I was achy, so I grabbed some ice for my neck and laid back in bed listening to Teal Swan's manifesting money meditation, as I need to change my energy in that department.  I fell back to sleep after that meditation, and woke up all freaked out about my living situation.

I went to see my sister in law yesterday, to talk to her about living there a few months, until I get some spiritual work, and find someone to live with, hopefully by September. I had asked her if I could stay with her and my brother who have no children at home, if I could stay with them a month or two until I find a place to stay.  It was nice to talk to her and feel the connection of family, which I am yearning for now due to being, feeling, and living all alone. I felt comforted to know, I would have a plan, somewhere to stay where I am loved and supported until I find a place to call home. I felt totally recharged, that is why I was so confused this morning when I was freaking out.  I mean that gut feeling about never being able to change your life and get out of where you are.  When I woke back up, I ran my ass out of bed, wanting to forget the misery I put myself into.  

I didn't think anything would help, but decided to sit at the computer and get some work done, trying to forget everything.  I called back a woman who phoned me for a nanny position, I am beginning to be open to this again.  What else do I have now?  If I am with a great family I do enjoy it, I become part of that family that I long to desire anyway, connection.  Will that push aside the other work I want to do?  I hope not, not sure, its just a new thought I had today, to be open to doing nanny work again.  I would love a nanny job working two full days, that would be the best for me, so maybe that is what I will do, keep it open and keep looking.  I just know I am here to do much more, touch so many lives, and do not want to just stay in a nanny position forever, but need some type of income now.

After finally getting motivated today, I went over a list on how to get clients for the work I want to do, energy healing, Angel card readings, children's yoga and Donna Eden Energy work!  You would think with all of these love's I have, I could do one, or some, for financial abundance by now.  That is why I am going to shoot for listening to these meditations daily, to change this stuff up, as I am now becoming very impatient over this, how we can get what we want, find our purpose when we go inside, let go, and accept the new!  Teal Swan's workshop Sunday was all about this, about just jumping off that cliff, going for it, you have prepared enough!  And that is how I truly feel!  
   
I also want to open up a business, like I have been saying for a long time, and realized a Yoga Studio would be much easier, and quicker to open up then the Healing Center I want.  Now, anything would be a great start, and I could offer different classes that aren't being offered around here, focus on children as well, and do workshops, classes there as well.  Just would be a faster, quicker way to start me on my purpose, which is much more than I am dong now!   I also got my Healing Energy/Reiki flyer accomplished today, major accomplishment for now!  So, now after it's printed I will be going to some Chiropractor offices, maybe massage places as well, and try to have my services offered there.  This gives me an instant place to do the work, and instant clients as well.  Ask and you shall receive, offer and they will come, I am counting on the Universe to send me the clients that need my services, clients I can help heal, and in return will create financial abundance for me as well.
                 I know I am all over the place, that is how I feel.  I do not have the problem of finding out what I love to do, as I have always loved so many things, had so many interests, hobbies, etc.  For me, it is to choose one, just one to start with and start making money doing that.  Of course, my first love is writing, getting my books done and out, getting my blog out there to all, and creating a book from it.  Many years ago I had a reading by a healer who works with the Angels, and she told me Archangel Gabriel was over my shoulder, telling me to keep writing, and to write that book I want to write!  That was at the time when I was writing in my journal all the time about my divorce, and all the corruption that was involved, and the pain and suffering I was experiencing because of that.  Each time I went back on my journal to try to write the book, I cried, it was too hard to go back to every day to try to accomplish this.  That is why after searching for happiness in my life when I realized I needed my own life because my children were spreading their wings to fly, I went on a journey of self love.  My spiritual journey to self love as I called it, that is how this blog was created.  I decided to journal all of it on a blog, so the book would already be written, instead of writing it all in a journal, then having to put it on paper.  So much to try to accomplish, so much to focus on, I am starting to ask Source, God, the Universe, to show me which way to go.  To tell me what I should start first, my priority here now, and of course a way to create financial abundance so I will never have to worry about paying my rent ever again, so I can buy the home I want on the water, and fill it with love!  

I'm going to take a visit to see my son at work again, as he is closing.  It is awesome to have a space to see him at all the time, since he no longer lives with me!  
Blessings and Healings to all of you!  Don't ever give up, when low, reach out, don't cry and stay in and be alone like I have done to myself too much throughout my lifetime.  Go, run, get out and connect with someone, as you are so loved, and God, the Universe will send someone to you to mend your heart today!  I promise, ask and you shall receive! 

Another Step Forward

     

How do I feel today?  Woke up somewhat better than yesterday, we also just had a full moon.  Being with my sister in law and brother helped lift my spirits, I haven't hung out with my sister in law alone for hours in a long time.  It was great to relax, and I wanted to talk to her about staying there for a few months, and she brought up the two month thing.  Just like my other brother did, "only a few weeks right?"  Yes, it does still bother me.  That two mark time frame is very interesting.  She is going to see what my brother says.  I sure hope it's not a problem, that's what family is for, my sister in law always says, to be there for each other, right?  Who wants family that just insults you, gives you a hard time about things, and isn't understanding?  No, family should be about unconditional love, and unconditional support, anytime you need it.  That is how we raised our children, as I was lucky to have my sister in laws around all the time and their kids.  And, we always supported each other, and was always there for one another, just how my Mom raised us.  

As for yesterday and today, I worked on getting a flyer made for the Reiki/Energy Healing work I want to get out there.  I have decided to go to some Chiropractor offices, Massage Centers, etc., and use their space.  While researching Energy Healing work, I learned that Columbia/Presbyterian Hospital was one of the first Hospitals to use Reiki in their operating room!  Wow, see what you learn when you research?  So, I created a flyer to bring to the offices I decide to go to, so inform them of the benefits of Healing work.  I am going to head out now to get some copies made at the library.  

I am also going to take a trip to Hasbrouck Heights, to the Tea Shop I am trying to do some Angel Card Readings at.  I already spoke to the owner who was such a nice man, but needed to go back to make sure it was okay with some other people.  Their Tea Room is so cute, so much Victorian decorations everywhere, and there is even a private room for the readings.  Wow, a thought just came to me, for me to just rent out that private room if I get private readings and need a place to hold them.  It's so cute, upstairs, out of the way, and maybe he will just want part of the fee I will charge them.  Great idea Spirit!  Thank you for coming through me.  I love reading people's cards, it's fun, empowering to them, and so helpful!  And what a way to connect to Spirit, and other humans here on earth!  Thank you Universe, God, for showing me the way, for allowing me to open up to the flow of life, to help me in starting to forgive myself!
                                            
So, I have been getting things done, pushing ahead, thanks to my two spiritual mentors, Teal Swan and my new founded one, Pamel Aaralyn!  I am so blessed to have found them.  My friends, my mentors, my soul family, my support, my comfort, when I am feeling so alone.  That veil needs to be taken away, we are one, we are all love, all loved, by the same Source Energy, the same God energy, the same Universal energy, it is all one!  How nice to see this, realize this, and understand this.  Now, if we can do this, and remember this, every minute of every day, we will have manifested all we want!  Jesus said not to ever have doubt, never doubt your power, your love, of who you are.  Just love, love yourself as I love you!! So basic, so true, so powerful!  Thank you for that channeling Pamela!!
I just was listening to Pamela Aaralyn channeling Jesus!  Holy Shit, so powerful, I only got through about an hour of it, didn't want to stop but had to get other things done.  Forgive yourself was a big topic,  Hell is not forgiving yourself, forgive yourself, we all did the best we could do, we all have contrast here, we all need to come back to love.  And of course, to "Love one another as I love you".  I always resonated with Jesus, I feel so blessed to have been able to see this, and experience this.  The Love and compassion from both of them, is such a Blessing, and I thank you, I thank them for showing us the way, for helping to teach me to love myself unconditionally, and to forgive myself for the past mistakes I have made.  There have been plenty, and I have cried for years over them.  It is time to let go, forgive, love, and push ahead, knowing something great is about to happen!  Because I am letting go of the past, and of the fear and worry, and focusing on what I want.  And that is most definitely someone to spend the rest of my life with as well.  I have started to focus on this and am going to join a dating site online.  It seems as if that is how everyone I know is falling in Love now!  Like, five people I know met on a dating site, and are married!! Or getting there!  Its pretty crazy, but time for me now.  I keep saying I don't want to be alone, I want people around, family, what else better is there (besides your kids, lol) than a honey?  To take up all of your time, because that is what happens!  Oh, yes, the Love, the Love bug coming your way.
Blessings to all! 

Trying to find a place to stay

 I was woke up not so happy Saturday, feeling confused getting ready to enjoy the day with my family.  Not feeling settled, living out of boxes, is a terrible feeling for me.  I thought I would be happy here, but I am not.  I want a home, a place to lay my head and rest where I am not alone, and others care about me.  

      

 My niece gave my sister in law a surprise 60th Birthday Party Saturday, it was so nice!  She was surprised, and so happy, and what her daughter did for her was touching.  This is the sister in law I met when I was 17, as she met my brother that long ago, and has been in the family ever since.  But, she is very special, an Angel on this earth, always giving with her heart innately, because she cares and is so compassionate. It was great to see my daughters, as it always is, and to catch up on everyone's life.  One of my nieces is buying a home this year with her fiance, moving in and getting married next year!  I am so happy for her.  My other nieces are totally successful and happy, two have a wonderful marriage, and do not have to struggle financially, which is always a plus to me!  After the party I went to my sister in laws home and hung out there with them for the night.  Her mom visits on the weekend, and loves to see me and we talk.  My niece hangs out with us too, just listening, laughing, and I am sure she thinks I am crazy, because many times I go there with such confusion, and she hears all about it, unfortunately.  She is very quiet, and I always wonder what she is thinking.  When I left it was pouring rain, I should have asked to sleep over, but I did not.  It took me over an hour and a half to get home, there was so much traffic and the rain was pretty bad.  I was not a happy camper either, too hard to see driving in the rain!

      

When I woke up Sunday, I just knew I no longer want to live alone at all!  After enjoying the day with my family, and waking up alone Sunday, it made me realize where I need to be, to try to live with someone in my family.  There are a few brothers who I could live with, it's just trying to figure out where I would feel more at home, and not be in their way.  

Then I realized how nice it would be to live with my sister in law, the one who just turned 60.  She always has told me I could stay with her, until last year when I needed a place she explained how she would let me stay, "If I didn't hate my brother so much!"  That comment shocked me, as I did not hate him.  He just has been on my case the last few years, almost like I did something to him that I don't know about, and sometimes gives me a hard time, and it upsets me. I must be a big trigger for him, I hope we can talk about it some day.  Sometimes I feel his demands on my sister in law are great, and I worry about her health, but they are so in love, and work so well together, and that's beautiful to be around!  

Then after Thanksgiving was changed two years ago, I pulled away from them for awhile, feeling hurt and who knows what else.  But, after that he made such a wonderful point to call me for my Birthday, and text me "Happy Mothers Day", and I thought all was fine.  I was touched he reached out to me, and was happy for that, moving on.  So, when she made that comment it just made me realize she felt there would be too much tension between us to live together, I understood that, and found another place to live.  But, now its months later, and I really need a place to stay for awhile where I feel loved.  Not just a place to crash, but to have some type of support system as well.  And my sister in law would love me there, she loves to socialize, loves people, and loves them around like I do.  So, I am on my way there today, to talk to her, and see what she thinks about me spending the summer with her, until I figure this all out.  Hopefully my brother will be cool about if, if not, my oldest brother who is single, has told me I can live there last year when I needed a place.  This would not be my first choice because he is not very happy with his life, that energy is tough to be around all the time, and his home is very small, and he has a dog that smells up the entire home. He's a bachelor, so I get it, at least it would be a safe place to lay my head for awhile.  

So, we will see what happens today!  Sending my love and light for the day, hoping all goes well, and my Spirit Guides, and Angels stay with me then entire day!
Namaste!