Feeling Okay Today

Wow, all the things that are happening so fast, like the speed of lightening!  I guess its good?  Or not!  My feelings already this morning have changed drastically, from waking up so sad, to feeling so grateful for all I have in my life, the people in it especially my children.  I also realize how much I need to see my family and friends right now.  I woke up in lots of pain today, and that doesn't help with the positive attitude of gratitude.  The pain, why?  Why is it there?  To make me do other things like stay home and write?  To force me to chill out and take care of myself?  I don't think I believe that, as I have been working on this for years now.  Caring for me, resting, saying no to others, not always doing so much.  Oh well, I chose now to not focus on it, and send those parts in pain white light, blessings of Gods eternal light.  Louise Hay says neck pain is being inflexible, which is funny because I always thought I was!  Wow, flexible, easy going, caring.  But, looking at how long I held onto my past with my ex and children, shows me how inflexible I have been.  Not going with the flow of the river downstream and just gliding, but swimming against it, holding onto that one last branch not wanting to let go! I have finally let go of that past for now, looking forward to a future with someone, someone to connect with, bond with, and love.

I got to spend time with my family, the family I use to care for with four children!  We all love each other so much, the children hug and kiss me all the time, telling me how much they love me.  I have no idea why I do not visit them more often, as they fill my cup with so much love!  And I am close to the two mothers, we are friends, and we have always talked about life stuff, my children, etc. with each other.  And they have the best parents ever as well, and I got to see their mom also.  Being there, in the craziness of children laughing, running around, warmed my heart.  That chaos that I miss, showing me the energy in life, the energy of the children, the joy, the love they bring.  I am so grateful to have them part of my life, and will make sure I get to see them more often for sure.  The one girl told me when I left, it ripped out their hearts!  Wow, what a piece of guilt right there, that really made me look at how I left once again, and made me feel so bad.  So bad that I did not keep better in touch when I left, like I should have, and they needed to stay connected to me, I saw them for two years all week, and we were so close. 
                            
So many regrets I have, so many things to forgive myself for.  Forgiving ourselves is a big one for me, something I still always have to work on.  Teal Swan has a meditation on forgiving, forgiving yourself which I couldn't even listen to the day I tried, not feeling strong enough to go through those emotions alone.  But, I have been facing more and more past memories where I need to forgive myself, and have been working my way through them.  Even this morning a cat ran inside the home I am staying in, and when it saw me it ran out!  But, it was a trigger for me, triggering the last two cats I had and how I gave them away and we stuffed them in a box so scared it was horrible.  And my daughter who loves the animals didn't even get to say goodbye.  I was in a terrible place, and wasn't suppose to have two cats, and when my landlord saw them he wanted them out, and I was trying to move into his other larger unit, so I felt I had to find them a new home.  That was when I was hanging out with that guy, who was so bad for me, I don't know how I put up with him so long, and wanted to.

Any way, so much more has happened. I spoke to my other brother about living there awhile, he opened his door for me, unlike my other brother just did.  Then, I got a phone call from one of my girlfriends friends, who I saw Sunday at the Graduation Party.  When she mentioned her children moved out, I made a comment joking, that I needed a place to crash for a few weeks, do you need a room mate?  I suppose she thought about it, and she called me the next day.  We talked a long time on the phone, little did I know how connected she is to the Angels, and the Spirit world.  She gave me insights on how much power I do have, take it back, and do what I came here to do.  And she told me to breathe, breathe in for eight counts, hold for eight, and breathe out for eight, which I have been doing ever since.  She told me I was working too hard, trying to hard, to just sit back and let it happen because it will.  It will happen, it will unfold, it is already done.  I love that, and remind myself of that when I am happy, all we want is already here in front of us, we just have to believe it to be true, and it is. 
 We made plans to get together Friday, to see her place and talk about moving in.  She explained that she never had a room mate, and has a husky dog who is very hairy, and I explained that my brother did offer me to stay with him as well.  She basically told me that would be too much negativity for me to live with, how would she know?  She explained to me how intuitive she is, and gave stories to back it up.  After I hung the phone up, I thanked the Universe for sending her, feeling blessed things are working out in a way I would never have planned.  Little did I know after knowing her for years, how deep, and intuitive she is, just like me.  I guess it goes to show you how like energies attract.  This totally cheered me up when I woke up the next day, even just having her as a new friend this way.  I have no idea what type of home she has, so I will see how I feel after being there with her, but at least now I have options.  And I always can stay at my brothers home as well.  I almost feel as if he will be disappointed, I think he needs a shift, a change, and someone around would help that shift.  I would enjoy being there for him, as he has always been there for me. 
Blessings!