It is Monday, after the fourth of July. I had a nice weekend away, stayed with my one brother Saturday night and hung out with his wife, and then Sunday hit the beach with my niece, her family, then back to her place for a BBQ. It is mostly my nieces friends, and some of my brothers, who I am not close to at all. Some of my brothers are pretty negative, critical, and stay away from the family pretty much now. Things changed greatly with my family when my three brothers divorced years ago, and out went my sister in laws which I loved. And, they seemed to pull away, just wanting to be left alone from the family, or at least from me. My oldest brother is always there for me, has always been after my divorce and has helped me financially when I reached out. I will always be there for him of course, because of how much he has helped me. I would always be there for any of my brothers if something happened to them, but they don't want much of a relationship with me, and that's okay once I finally accepted it.
When I went to see my sister in law Saturday, the one I asked if I could stay with for a month or two and she told me my brother said I could not stay there! Wow, holy shit, that came to a huge surprise to me for many reasons. Because this is the sister in law who has always told me I could stay with her if I needed to, the one that feels family needs to be there for you when you need someone. But, when I look back, they always said they would take my parents in if they needed to, but didn't take my Mom in when she couldn't live alone anymore, and they put her in a nursing home, which was her only request not to do. Her one request after raising the seven of us, was to please "do not put me in a Nursing Home!" And we did! I remember being in the hospital outside her door when my brother told me they wanted to put her straight into a Nursing home from the Hospital, instead of her house, for financial reasons, I begged him not to. I asked about me bringing her home, and getting a nurse, or whatever, but my brother was not supportive of that. And why after they preached for years how they would take my Mother in and care for her when she needed it, they did not, they were not there for her. Yes, I remember my niece saying how her Mother now has Cancer, and will not be able to care for my Mother, so there she went, away to a horrible, terrible place, that I will never forgive myself for. I will never forget the first time I saw her there, when she said, "Carol Ann, why did you put me here?" It was terrible, my children and I cried for years going to visit her, as she had to stay there a few years before she passed. I love you Mom, and I always ask for her forgiveness!
Now, I am so confused over his answer, not even his answer, over his attitude towards me. His attitude not to want to help me when I need help, when I cried to my sister in law how I felt I needed to be around loved ones right now for support! How he doesn't want to help me, doesn't want to be there for me, and basically doesn't care about my emotional state, and how I am really doing, living my life each day. So, if family truly means, "I am there for you when you truly need me, always", then what type of family is he? And, my sister in law couldn't convince him to back down, and to be there for me? Ugh, I was grateful I did not shed one tear, and haven't over this yet. I am not heartbroken, I am disappointed, and it reconfirms how he has been treating me the last few years, he has been critical, and has even gotten mad at me and given me shit over basically nothing! He yelled at me one day when I shut the refrigerator, telling me why am I shutting the door so hard, but he literally yelled at me, getting mad at me over it. That was when I walked out, and pulled away from him for at least a year. I guess he hasn't changed towards me, he definitely has issues with me, and I am a huge trigger for him over who knows what, and now he has showed me he is not a brother I can turn to when I need someone. So, tell me, what is the point of being there for a brother and his wife, caring about them and wanting to see them, when he is on your case, and doesn't want to help you when you truly need it. He even yelled at me about two months ago to "mind my own business", when he was on my sister in laws case to throw some fertilizer on the lawn after she was working at a fund raiser all day, and we were sitting in the back yard around 5:00 finally for a break. And, did I mention this sister in law has also been ill many times?
So, now I have a decision to make, do I just blow this off and ignore it, or do I not want to even waste my time or energy on a family member who truly doesn't care about my emotional state, or how I am suffering, nor want to be there for me. So, I found this out Saturday, and his daughter was the one having the Fourth of July BBQ the next day, which I was suppose to attend. I thought of not attending, not even wanting to see him. But, I also didn't want to disappoint my niece, by not showing up, so I decided to go. And, what happens, he pretends there is nothing wrong, comes up to me and gives me a kiss hello. He doesn't even do that to me anymore when I am at his home, he basically ignores me or just says hello. No, I am sorry, our actions affect our relationships, don't you think? Doesn't it matter how I treat you, how I feel about you, if I am there for you or not? Now, we are going camping, a trip I started for my family, but no one in my family can make it except him, his wife, and his family. (They own a Coach) Now, I do not even want to go. I have no desire to be around him any more, let alone for the weekend in the woods. But, I am the one that planned it and would feel badly cancelling. My niece just cancelled a few days ago, and they were disappointed about that, as I was too. Now, I will feel like a hypocrite! Ugh, so confused I am, and to tell you the truth, I don't even have time for this because as you know, I have to worry about a place to live NOW, and a JOB! Serious things to worry about, not worry about a brother that truly doesn't care about his sisters health nor well being.
On a happy, grateful note, I have gotten in touch with one of my best friends from our street growing up, who I haven't seen in two years. We made plans to get together today! I am so excited to see her, I reached out to her feeling I needed connections again to others. Moving into this new space, where I have been almost two weeks now, gave me a sense to connect. To connect with family, lol, loved ones, to get my sense of safety and security back, feeling like my head is spinning after moving twice in one week! I am actually even nervous, realizing I get this way at times, and need to breath and relax!! She has gotten married in the time we were not in touch, and has found a new home in a new town. I am so happy for her, and can't wait to see her! So, I am off, I will let you know how it all goes.
Namaste, sending love and light to all, always!!
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