Hello
It's Sunday, and I had a really tough, sad, depressing weekend. I woke up yesterday and today in tears, crying in so much pain. Then I go into feelings of how I am going to even live like this every day and nourish and survive? How will I keep pushing forward when my body is aching so much and crying in pain? How do I help my body deal with this pain?
I cried to my friend yesterday telling her I couldn't do this anymore, live this way. It is so debilitating to feel all alone, with no help from anyone, and feeling there is no way out. That is how I am feeling now, so sad, so alone, and so unwanted. Unwanted keeps coming back up for me, I have always had this feeling on and off growing up. It goes back to feeling that way from a birth I was taken too early from, and did not survive. This is why I have deep feelings of being disconnected from others, and unwanted here. Pretty serious stuff, I know, but true.
Yesterday I finally left this room to go see my son at work. After settling in here for two weeks, I now feel as if I have no home, no where to call home. This is what caused a crying breakdown for me yesterday and today. I have none of my furniture around me, not even in my bedroom, and the bed is so bad I think that is why my body is aching worse. I hate it here now, and compare it to the large home I was in with my children for four years, that was home although I did not own it. I realize I complain a lot, or at least I did, I use to complain about that house all the time, and looking back it's like a mansion to where I am staying now, in this cubical room.
Thank the Universe my son did not have plans after work yesterday, and we ran errands together. When I went to see him at work, he said he had errands to run, and I asked to join in. We had a really nice day together. When I look in his eyes I see so much love and connection between the two of us, I love him very much. We always have been close, we use to hang out together all the time, until he ended up in his room playing his games. I wish I did not allow him to do this as often as I did, but I look back at the person I was and am clueless of her. I was so hurt, in so much pain, and didn't even realize it. I was angry pretty often, and yelled at the kids too much. I wish so many things were different about the past, especially my behavior. My children suffered so much due to my decisions and actions, I wish I could take all of that pain away for them. Now at night when I pray, I hold them all in love and light, and help heal them through the light. I know they have so much to get through and I love them dearly and want to help in any way I can.
I woke up today in much more pain, I wonder if it was from the Soba noodles I had, if they have gluten in them or not. I realize when I do eat gluten my body aches even more, unbearable. My daughter called after sliding in the ice early this morning, spinning her car around and hitting a divider! OMG, she is lucky she is okay. She sat in the car a long time, and couldn't even make it home, she had to end up leaving her car on the street, and running to her apartment in socks, because she was in heals! She was of course worked up, but did not break down in tears. I went to her place to see her, and make some butternut squash soup we all love now! The first time I made it, my daughter wasn't crazy about it, and now she loves it! I was so tired of chicken soup, I wanted to make something totally different, found this recipe, and now it's a tradition! I love it, it's so nice to create new memories built on loving, warm and comfortable feelings! We had a nice night together and she was in the mood to talk. It is funny how at times my children are very open and spill their guts about everything, and sometimes they are quiet and closed, wanting me to know nothing. Now I know not to pry, it is better to allow them to open up and talk when they are ready, because they always do!
This love was well needed this weekend from my children, my family, the family I will always want and have open arms for in my life! Thank you all for choosing "us", for choosing us to be your family. And thank you for my family, my brothers, sister in laws, and the rest, for choosing to come into this family as well. I love you all very much and am so glad there are so many of us!
Namaste ~
Friday, January 23, 2015
Beyond Depressed!
Oh my, what have I done?
I am sooo sad today, so many worries on my head and sadness in my heart!!
First of all, I woke up with a bad rash a few days ago, all along my torso that I seem to get every single January! Regardless if it is from stress or it is shingles, it is so itchy I can't stop it, and so red and raw all over. Great, just great.
Then, I am waking up in severe body pain, all day, all night, and it never goes away, only gets worse. I can not bathe where I am staying now, the tub has a white film on it all the time, and too many people are home for me to relax. I also have a low thyroid I am not taking anything for, and that could be why I am feeling so much pain. My physical therapist always told me to make sure my thyroid levels were correct. I haven't taken medicine for this for over six months. I am going to buy a supplement The Edgar Cayce Center sells in NY, you can order it online which I will do as soon as I get paid today. I do not know how to face this pain every single day, and how I am suppose to laugh, smile, follow my joy, and live a happy life suffering so. I ask my pain why, whats's going on? It makes me want to give up, not being able to do this any longer, feeling so weak, so sad, and so alone!
I am waking up realizing how I truly have nothing, nothing, no place to live, nothing of my own. It makes me so sad to see that I have gotten to such a low place in my life, when I was so high last summer. I had a huge home where I raised my children for four years, I wish now that I stayed there, and got some room mates to share the home with me. I gave that up for this small cubical, no home for myself, none of my stuff around, not even my own bed. I am sad, it doesn't get much lower than this. When I am this sad I do not even want to write, to write for what? To throw the sadness and pain in my face?
Or, to give me the opportunity to do shadow work, inner child work to see where the root of this sadness comes from. It's always the same feeling not wanted, not cared for, not loved. It seems like every sad, desperate, feeling is from childhood. I am so tired of always doing this work, always looking at what happened as a child, isn't there a point where it stops? Where that child is integrated, and knows it its loved, and that was old stuff, the contracts broken, this is a new time.
All I know is I want a home I can call my own. With my own couch, my own bed, my own tables and chairs, just my place, just for me, that I can call "home" for awhile!!
Shante
I am sooo sad today, so many worries on my head and sadness in my heart!!
First of all, I woke up with a bad rash a few days ago, all along my torso that I seem to get every single January! Regardless if it is from stress or it is shingles, it is so itchy I can't stop it, and so red and raw all over. Great, just great.
Then, I am waking up in severe body pain, all day, all night, and it never goes away, only gets worse. I can not bathe where I am staying now, the tub has a white film on it all the time, and too many people are home for me to relax. I also have a low thyroid I am not taking anything for, and that could be why I am feeling so much pain. My physical therapist always told me to make sure my thyroid levels were correct. I haven't taken medicine for this for over six months. I am going to buy a supplement The Edgar Cayce Center sells in NY, you can order it online which I will do as soon as I get paid today. I do not know how to face this pain every single day, and how I am suppose to laugh, smile, follow my joy, and live a happy life suffering so. I ask my pain why, whats's going on? It makes me want to give up, not being able to do this any longer, feeling so weak, so sad, and so alone!
I am waking up realizing how I truly have nothing, nothing, no place to live, nothing of my own. It makes me so sad to see that I have gotten to such a low place in my life, when I was so high last summer. I had a huge home where I raised my children for four years, I wish now that I stayed there, and got some room mates to share the home with me. I gave that up for this small cubical, no home for myself, none of my stuff around, not even my own bed. I am sad, it doesn't get much lower than this. When I am this sad I do not even want to write, to write for what? To throw the sadness and pain in my face?
Or, to give me the opportunity to do shadow work, inner child work to see where the root of this sadness comes from. It's always the same feeling not wanted, not cared for, not loved. It seems like every sad, desperate, feeling is from childhood. I am so tired of always doing this work, always looking at what happened as a child, isn't there a point where it stops? Where that child is integrated, and knows it its loved, and that was old stuff, the contracts broken, this is a new time.
All I know is I want a home I can call my own. With my own couch, my own bed, my own tables and chairs, just my place, just for me, that I can call "home" for awhile!!
Shante
Sunday, Teal Swan's Online Workshop Creating Abundance!
Hello
It is always so amazing to see Teal on the internet. Watching her videos, podcasts, etc. really help me stay so connected to her. She is an amazing leader here on earth to create major changes. Her vision is mine, the one I have had all my life, even if it has been suppressed for awhile, to change the world, and make a better place for us to live! She has so many things she will accomplish here, and I am right by her side. I can't wait until the day we work together on a project, maybe the one I want to develop for the children, the Self Love Program I want to start and get it into the School Systems, by assembly programs if I need to. I have so many dreams and can't wait to accomplish them. I have so many passions, I always have, and now have the tools to create what I want.
I woke up today in serious pain again though. As I am trying to figure out why, I wonder if it is either from the energy from the kids I watched last night, the energy in their home, or because I ate pasta and can not have gluten. My niece actually said her body pain was due to the gluten she was eating, and somehow they figured out it was. The miracle is, she stopped the gluten, and the pain went away. Well, I had some pasta last night with the children because I was so hungry, and woke up this morning really bad pain.
I am so glad I didn't have work today, it being Sunday. I watched Teal's Workshop all day, and it was awesome. She gives you so much to think about, and so many tools to use. It's up to us to make the change, to purge ahead, do what we know we should, and create what we want. And of course to face our pain and sadness, because it is when we face our pain, the suffering ends. Our inner child integrates with us, feels loved, safe, and secure, and changes the energy within us all by itself. At least that is the way they say it works. We do not have to do anything to make that change, we just have to go within, find that wound, and be with that child. I always tell my inner child, "I am here with you now", and it always has comforted me. We should do whatever comes to our minds that makes us feel loved and comforted. I did this process all summer with myself, after being on stage with Teal in June. I did so much inner child work I was asking the Universe when it would end! I am waiting to see the changes within myself and will let you know when they occur.
I know my world is changes drastically, but too slow for me, so when I get to a place of peace and a place I can call home, that is when the magic will occur!
Namaste!!
It is always so amazing to see Teal on the internet. Watching her videos, podcasts, etc. really help me stay so connected to her. She is an amazing leader here on earth to create major changes. Her vision is mine, the one I have had all my life, even if it has been suppressed for awhile, to change the world, and make a better place for us to live! She has so many things she will accomplish here, and I am right by her side. I can't wait until the day we work together on a project, maybe the one I want to develop for the children, the Self Love Program I want to start and get it into the School Systems, by assembly programs if I need to. I have so many dreams and can't wait to accomplish them. I have so many passions, I always have, and now have the tools to create what I want.
I woke up today in serious pain again though. As I am trying to figure out why, I wonder if it is either from the energy from the kids I watched last night, the energy in their home, or because I ate pasta and can not have gluten. My niece actually said her body pain was due to the gluten she was eating, and somehow they figured out it was. The miracle is, she stopped the gluten, and the pain went away. Well, I had some pasta last night with the children because I was so hungry, and woke up this morning really bad pain.
I am so glad I didn't have work today, it being Sunday. I watched Teal's Workshop all day, and it was awesome. She gives you so much to think about, and so many tools to use. It's up to us to make the change, to purge ahead, do what we know we should, and create what we want. And of course to face our pain and sadness, because it is when we face our pain, the suffering ends. Our inner child integrates with us, feels loved, safe, and secure, and changes the energy within us all by itself. At least that is the way they say it works. We do not have to do anything to make that change, we just have to go within, find that wound, and be with that child. I always tell my inner child, "I am here with you now", and it always has comforted me. We should do whatever comes to our minds that makes us feel loved and comforted. I did this process all summer with myself, after being on stage with Teal in June. I did so much inner child work I was asking the Universe when it would end! I am waiting to see the changes within myself and will let you know when they occur.
I know my world is changes drastically, but too slow for me, so when I get to a place of peace and a place I can call home, that is when the magic will occur!
Namaste!!
Sunday, January 11, 2015
Looking for my Own Place to Live!
Blessings
I decided today that I do not want to live this way much longer, like only a few more weeks, and not months! Yes, so glad I decided this. So, as I am looking for a place to live, I realize that a two bedroom is much better, larger, and most have Dining Rooms, and I want my Dining Room furniture in my home so I can entertain! I want people over, I want my kids to come for dinner, I want to hold gatherings for like minded souls to connect! I decided to post an ad for a room mate, someone like me, who is looking for a place to live, and instead of renting a room, we can share an apartment. But, a place in a house, a home, not an apartment complex which I do not care for.
Within a few hours after posting this ad, I received two phone calls. One from a Muslim man, and another from an older woman like me, who teaches Yoga in Wayne, and is an Energy Healer as well! I have asked the Universe to send me a room mate, someone who can be a friend, and there she called within a few hours. We spoke awhile and were both excited to connect. I am going to meet with her this week, so we can talk and get to know each other and work on finding a place to live. I am looking for a place on Craigslist, or through a private home owner, because I have no desire to pay an entire month realtor's fee, when I am only renting. It is crazy they expect the renter, and not the home owner to pay that fee.
I am truly realizing how quickly I am manifesting what I want. I realize it is important to know what I want first, to know where I want to be, then concentrate on it, and then it happens!! I have manifested a place to stay up North, and a new job, all within one week! As soon as I made the decision to be where I wanted to be, up North Jersey. I like the word "intention", because that is a big part of creating and manifesting what we want. We have to know what we want first, makes sense, right? But, we don't always know this. I did not always focus on what I wanted in the past, so many years I cried over my past mistakes, focusing on the mistakes I made, and feeling guilty! Thanks to my Spiritual Mentor, Teal Swan, she has taught me different. She has taught me to watch what I focus on because it brings it to us, and that we all came here to create whatever we wanted!!
So, I plan on having my own place for February, just in time for my Birthday! I can not wait to have my things around me, comforting me, and being free to do as I please in my own place! Then, I am going to see Teal in February as well, to Austin, Texas!! Can't wait to see her and my Soul Family. I am waiting to hear about helping with the Workshop, I sure hope I can, as I love helping, I always have helped at my children's School events, and love being around Teal, Sarbdeep, Blake, and the others. Her Workshops shift my energy, and I come back home so much higher. Then, I guess life gets to me, because I do not feel that way any longer, I haven't for awhile. When I went to see her in California, instead of staying with the rest of the "Tribe", I decided to stay alone in an inexpensive hotel. Little did I know what a dump it was, it was pretty depressing, and put me in a pretty low, negative vibration. The Workshop was uplifting, but even the ones chosen, seemed to be cocky and arrogant, not wanting to tap into something deeper within themselves. The party at the house was great after the Workshop, and to see my soul family was awesome too, but I was not so happy there at all, I was pretty bummed when I was in the room, really bummed which I guess I did not shake off so much.
I am so excited about my new realization about manifesting a place now for myself, not later. Getting a room mate gives me the opportunity to get a larger space, with less cost to me than a one bedroom on my own, and the opportunity to make a new friend. The Universe will send me the perfect one, I know it, and do not worry about it one bit. It is great when I am in the mode of "abundance", and "trusting" in the Universe, and not in "fear and worry", as I use to be all the time.
It is good, I am happy I will not have to live in one room, any much longer. It gets really crazy just hanging out in a room all the time, even though I did this when I lived with my kids, but, I also had the entire house to wonder in when I wanted to, and had my kids around too to talk to!! It gets lonely living without your loved ones around, I would love to fall in love this year, how nice that would be. Not out of desperation, but out of love, out of wanting a companion to share my time with, connect with, communicate with, and care for and love.
Namaste ~
I decided today that I do not want to live this way much longer, like only a few more weeks, and not months! Yes, so glad I decided this. So, as I am looking for a place to live, I realize that a two bedroom is much better, larger, and most have Dining Rooms, and I want my Dining Room furniture in my home so I can entertain! I want people over, I want my kids to come for dinner, I want to hold gatherings for like minded souls to connect! I decided to post an ad for a room mate, someone like me, who is looking for a place to live, and instead of renting a room, we can share an apartment. But, a place in a house, a home, not an apartment complex which I do not care for.
Within a few hours after posting this ad, I received two phone calls. One from a Muslim man, and another from an older woman like me, who teaches Yoga in Wayne, and is an Energy Healer as well! I have asked the Universe to send me a room mate, someone who can be a friend, and there she called within a few hours. We spoke awhile and were both excited to connect. I am going to meet with her this week, so we can talk and get to know each other and work on finding a place to live. I am looking for a place on Craigslist, or through a private home owner, because I have no desire to pay an entire month realtor's fee, when I am only renting. It is crazy they expect the renter, and not the home owner to pay that fee.
I am truly realizing how quickly I am manifesting what I want. I realize it is important to know what I want first, to know where I want to be, then concentrate on it, and then it happens!! I have manifested a place to stay up North, and a new job, all within one week! As soon as I made the decision to be where I wanted to be, up North Jersey. I like the word "intention", because that is a big part of creating and manifesting what we want. We have to know what we want first, makes sense, right? But, we don't always know this. I did not always focus on what I wanted in the past, so many years I cried over my past mistakes, focusing on the mistakes I made, and feeling guilty! Thanks to my Spiritual Mentor, Teal Swan, she has taught me different. She has taught me to watch what I focus on because it brings it to us, and that we all came here to create whatever we wanted!!
So, I plan on having my own place for February, just in time for my Birthday! I can not wait to have my things around me, comforting me, and being free to do as I please in my own place! Then, I am going to see Teal in February as well, to Austin, Texas!! Can't wait to see her and my Soul Family. I am waiting to hear about helping with the Workshop, I sure hope I can, as I love helping, I always have helped at my children's School events, and love being around Teal, Sarbdeep, Blake, and the others. Her Workshops shift my energy, and I come back home so much higher. Then, I guess life gets to me, because I do not feel that way any longer, I haven't for awhile. When I went to see her in California, instead of staying with the rest of the "Tribe", I decided to stay alone in an inexpensive hotel. Little did I know what a dump it was, it was pretty depressing, and put me in a pretty low, negative vibration. The Workshop was uplifting, but even the ones chosen, seemed to be cocky and arrogant, not wanting to tap into something deeper within themselves. The party at the house was great after the Workshop, and to see my soul family was awesome too, but I was not so happy there at all, I was pretty bummed when I was in the room, really bummed which I guess I did not shake off so much.
I am so excited about my new realization about manifesting a place now for myself, not later. Getting a room mate gives me the opportunity to get a larger space, with less cost to me than a one bedroom on my own, and the opportunity to make a new friend. The Universe will send me the perfect one, I know it, and do not worry about it one bit. It is great when I am in the mode of "abundance", and "trusting" in the Universe, and not in "fear and worry", as I use to be all the time.
It is good, I am happy I will not have to live in one room, any much longer. It gets really crazy just hanging out in a room all the time, even though I did this when I lived with my kids, but, I also had the entire house to wonder in when I wanted to, and had my kids around too to talk to!! It gets lonely living without your loved ones around, I would love to fall in love this year, how nice that would be. Not out of desperation, but out of love, out of wanting a companion to share my time with, connect with, communicate with, and care for and love.
Namaste ~
Friday, January 9, 2015
January ~ Being so Miserable Again
Hello
So, I am here, in a room, in a home in Englewood, NJ. A lovely Mexican woman I met, had a room for me to stay in, so I was thrilled at first to be able to move back "home". I also found a job right away, within days of living here, so I am grateful for that. I start the job today, but am truly so done with being a Nanny. Running somewhere five days a week and taking care of children will be very draining for me, but I feel I have no choice at the moment. That is the best, fastest way I can make money now, and I truly do love children, it's just that my body is suffering so much still.
Being here, has made me realize how I need to get my own place ASAP, so now that is what I am going to manifest, a way to do that! I ask the Universe to send me a home, my own home where I can take all of my things out of my brother's garage, and put them all around me. I want to sit on my couch, and have tea in my cup, and have my family over for dinner on my Dining Room table! I want my life back, and feel I have none. I am not doing anything that makes me happy right now, I went into survival mode, and that is where I have been. Once I settle into this job, and find another, I can find a way to get out of here!
It really isn't that bad, the woman is so loving and kind, and invites me to eat with her all the time, telling me I need to eat, I don't eat enough. It is comforting to be around her, but not the same as having your own home, I doubt anything is as important to me right now, as in having my own home.
I woke up so sad yesterday, crying that I did this to myself. When I ask myself why I would do this to myself? The answer that comes is that I need to know I can do it alone. That I have the power and strength within me to become financially abundant, and it is time. That is why I started focusing on becoming an author, and sharing my books with my children to read. My son thought my first book was great, the book about Heaven, "What is Heaven, Anyway?" That is the only book anyone has read. I am finally telling others that I have written a few children's books, it is time that I "own it". Inown, a word stating that I already have it, I already own it, and I was born deserving of it! Nothing to prove to anyone, just something I love to do on my own, so I am doing it. Finally.
I can't believe I ended up here, but I have to look at this as a step forward. I decided where I want to be, I didn't have to move again into another brother's home where I truly wasn't wanted, I found a place to stay up North within a few days of making this decision. And, then, after being here only three days, I found a job! That made me really happy, how quick it all happened, how fast I manifested it and how synchronicity truly does happen. I was thrilled Monday when Alice called and said I have the job! Now I can make plans to get out of here, and to go to Austin to see my Spiritual Mentor!!
My joy only lasted two days, as I said, I woke up crying yesterday and today. I went to bed early last night, being in so much pain and feeling so low. I spent most of the day yesterday watching Teal on you tube, watching her interviews along with her videos. Her interviews are great because she is so raw, and you really get to know her. I already do, as we are soul sisters, but I know her in a different way. Watching her makes me feel so connected, and lightens my heart up.
This is really tough where I am right now. I have no home of my own, no loved ones around me, not my kids nor my family, and I am back at work I did not want to go back to. I am going to start looking for a place to give card readings at, like a coffee or tea shop, and ask my family to hold parties for me. I need to bring in at least $200 more a week, then I can get out of here. I also thought of making special candles and "Love Potions" (as I am calling them), with my essential oils and positive focus and prayers, and get them out into the world, sell them, and make some serious money doing that.
I always feel there is so much for me to do, so many projects I have, so much writing to do, etc. I feel it will never get done, all of it. Even the places I must call, and get issues resolved, I have no desire to get on this and don't. This is not good, because I put it off forever. I am so sad, I do not know how I got to such a place as this. I question why I did not receive disability because I have so many issues that they definitely pay out for, so it is ridiculous, and I even have an attorney to help and was denied! All because I didn't explain to the therapist I saw that I highly depressed. Sometimes I have a happiness about me, and that day I did, unfortunately. The therapist didn't even talk to me about my pain, and ask how my days are in pain and how I handle that pain. He talked to me about many other things, and when I left I realized it. I had written a letter the same day to the therapist, explaining this, but when my attorney called to make sure I went to the appointment, I was advised to not drop the letter off! But, when I was going to the therapist my attorney gave me no advice at all. I am so upset about this because if I was receiving disability like I should be, I would not be here in this situation now. Illegal aliens can receive anything they want, from food stamps, to health care, to financial help, and I can not get one thing being in the disabled state I am in.
I am so tired, I am so sad today, I am going to go for the day.
Namaste
So, I am here, in a room, in a home in Englewood, NJ. A lovely Mexican woman I met, had a room for me to stay in, so I was thrilled at first to be able to move back "home". I also found a job right away, within days of living here, so I am grateful for that. I start the job today, but am truly so done with being a Nanny. Running somewhere five days a week and taking care of children will be very draining for me, but I feel I have no choice at the moment. That is the best, fastest way I can make money now, and I truly do love children, it's just that my body is suffering so much still.
Being here, has made me realize how I need to get my own place ASAP, so now that is what I am going to manifest, a way to do that! I ask the Universe to send me a home, my own home where I can take all of my things out of my brother's garage, and put them all around me. I want to sit on my couch, and have tea in my cup, and have my family over for dinner on my Dining Room table! I want my life back, and feel I have none. I am not doing anything that makes me happy right now, I went into survival mode, and that is where I have been. Once I settle into this job, and find another, I can find a way to get out of here!
It really isn't that bad, the woman is so loving and kind, and invites me to eat with her all the time, telling me I need to eat, I don't eat enough. It is comforting to be around her, but not the same as having your own home, I doubt anything is as important to me right now, as in having my own home.
I woke up so sad yesterday, crying that I did this to myself. When I ask myself why I would do this to myself? The answer that comes is that I need to know I can do it alone. That I have the power and strength within me to become financially abundant, and it is time. That is why I started focusing on becoming an author, and sharing my books with my children to read. My son thought my first book was great, the book about Heaven, "What is Heaven, Anyway?" That is the only book anyone has read. I am finally telling others that I have written a few children's books, it is time that I "own it". Inown, a word stating that I already have it, I already own it, and I was born deserving of it! Nothing to prove to anyone, just something I love to do on my own, so I am doing it. Finally.
I can't believe I ended up here, but I have to look at this as a step forward. I decided where I want to be, I didn't have to move again into another brother's home where I truly wasn't wanted, I found a place to stay up North within a few days of making this decision. And, then, after being here only three days, I found a job! That made me really happy, how quick it all happened, how fast I manifested it and how synchronicity truly does happen. I was thrilled Monday when Alice called and said I have the job! Now I can make plans to get out of here, and to go to Austin to see my Spiritual Mentor!!
My joy only lasted two days, as I said, I woke up crying yesterday and today. I went to bed early last night, being in so much pain and feeling so low. I spent most of the day yesterday watching Teal on you tube, watching her interviews along with her videos. Her interviews are great because she is so raw, and you really get to know her. I already do, as we are soul sisters, but I know her in a different way. Watching her makes me feel so connected, and lightens my heart up.
This is really tough where I am right now. I have no home of my own, no loved ones around me, not my kids nor my family, and I am back at work I did not want to go back to. I am going to start looking for a place to give card readings at, like a coffee or tea shop, and ask my family to hold parties for me. I need to bring in at least $200 more a week, then I can get out of here. I also thought of making special candles and "Love Potions" (as I am calling them), with my essential oils and positive focus and prayers, and get them out into the world, sell them, and make some serious money doing that.
I always feel there is so much for me to do, so many projects I have, so much writing to do, etc. I feel it will never get done, all of it. Even the places I must call, and get issues resolved, I have no desire to get on this and don't. This is not good, because I put it off forever. I am so sad, I do not know how I got to such a place as this. I question why I did not receive disability because I have so many issues that they definitely pay out for, so it is ridiculous, and I even have an attorney to help and was denied! All because I didn't explain to the therapist I saw that I highly depressed. Sometimes I have a happiness about me, and that day I did, unfortunately. The therapist didn't even talk to me about my pain, and ask how my days are in pain and how I handle that pain. He talked to me about many other things, and when I left I realized it. I had written a letter the same day to the therapist, explaining this, but when my attorney called to make sure I went to the appointment, I was advised to not drop the letter off! But, when I was going to the therapist my attorney gave me no advice at all. I am so upset about this because if I was receiving disability like I should be, I would not be here in this situation now. Illegal aliens can receive anything they want, from food stamps, to health care, to financial help, and I can not get one thing being in the disabled state I am in.
I am so tired, I am so sad today, I am going to go for the day.
Namaste
New Years Day
Happy New Year
It is New Years Day, also my best friends birthday. I have known her since I have been five years old, and she is one of my most dearest friends, always being there for me when I need someone to cry on! She went out to dinner with her family, and invited me along. This is the friend who's brother was just struggling for his life in the hospital, so it was wonderful to see them all. I had a really wonderful time, as I have known her family my entire life, and feel a part of them.
Tonight is also my last night in this house, not my house, not my home, my brothers home, where I have felt very unwanted. He doesn't ever even talk to me, barely saying hello, how are you? Well, he never asks how I am, and says hello because I do first. It is really strange to see him friendly and nice to others, but not to me, his own sister. I guess I am a trigger to him about our childhood, but all I know is it has been a terrible, lonely experience living here, and I can not wait to leave, and never come back! I am so excited to "go home"! Home is North Jersey to me, and has been a long time. And I am living with a friend, well she wasn't a friend a few days ago, but she is now. A beautiful friend, who is kind, loving, and deep and spiritual like me! She has plants, candles, incense and the like, and she wants me in her home. She has told me she wants me to feel at home here, and I already do! Here we go, another serious life change, but I know this one will bring more joy to my heart than to where I am now. I will have the opportunity to feel safe, wanted and loved, and will be able to create much more there, than I can here.
My one daughter and son came down to help me. I am in too much pain to move anything myself. I did not have to pick up one thing, they carried it all out for me, and I found homes once again for my things. All packed and in our cars, ready to leave this piece behind. Again, moving on, moving ahead in my travels, trying to "figure it all out", and be where I am suppose to be. I know this is all temporary, I have comfort and love in my heart, knowing that this is going to be the year of success for me, and many of my soul family. Good bye to this place, my brothers home that I never felt "at home" in. So many feelings, so many life changes for me. If all of our sadness is from triggers from the past, I have many, too many to handle. So many things make me cry, I could go on and on. I thought living here with my brother would bond us, I thought I could cook for him and he would enjoy my company. But, that is not how it all happened, and I am sad for that. He is hiding behind himself, hiding his childhood pain, and probably doesn't even realize it, as I did not either. I am sad we couldn't connect, I love him and wish him well.
We got to my new place finally, and the kids unloaded my things, and left for me to handle! I didn't expect them too, but there is a lot to put away, and the room is so small it is hard to do that with a mess on my hands. Oh well, at least I am home, home back up North!
And now, I have to manifest a new place to live, my own place with a living room and dining room to put my things, my stuff, my furniture in! It's crazy how you feel lost without your things!!
Happy New Year to all, and Loving Blessings Always!!
It is New Years Day, also my best friends birthday. I have known her since I have been five years old, and she is one of my most dearest friends, always being there for me when I need someone to cry on! She went out to dinner with her family, and invited me along. This is the friend who's brother was just struggling for his life in the hospital, so it was wonderful to see them all. I had a really wonderful time, as I have known her family my entire life, and feel a part of them.
Tonight is also my last night in this house, not my house, not my home, my brothers home, where I have felt very unwanted. He doesn't ever even talk to me, barely saying hello, how are you? Well, he never asks how I am, and says hello because I do first. It is really strange to see him friendly and nice to others, but not to me, his own sister. I guess I am a trigger to him about our childhood, but all I know is it has been a terrible, lonely experience living here, and I can not wait to leave, and never come back! I am so excited to "go home"! Home is North Jersey to me, and has been a long time. And I am living with a friend, well she wasn't a friend a few days ago, but she is now. A beautiful friend, who is kind, loving, and deep and spiritual like me! She has plants, candles, incense and the like, and she wants me in her home. She has told me she wants me to feel at home here, and I already do! Here we go, another serious life change, but I know this one will bring more joy to my heart than to where I am now. I will have the opportunity to feel safe, wanted and loved, and will be able to create much more there, than I can here.
My one daughter and son came down to help me. I am in too much pain to move anything myself. I did not have to pick up one thing, they carried it all out for me, and I found homes once again for my things. All packed and in our cars, ready to leave this piece behind. Again, moving on, moving ahead in my travels, trying to "figure it all out", and be where I am suppose to be. I know this is all temporary, I have comfort and love in my heart, knowing that this is going to be the year of success for me, and many of my soul family. Good bye to this place, my brothers home that I never felt "at home" in. So many feelings, so many life changes for me. If all of our sadness is from triggers from the past, I have many, too many to handle. So many things make me cry, I could go on and on. I thought living here with my brother would bond us, I thought I could cook for him and he would enjoy my company. But, that is not how it all happened, and I am sad for that. He is hiding behind himself, hiding his childhood pain, and probably doesn't even realize it, as I did not either. I am sad we couldn't connect, I love him and wish him well.
We got to my new place finally, and the kids unloaded my things, and left for me to handle! I didn't expect them too, but there is a lot to put away, and the room is so small it is hard to do that with a mess on my hands. Oh well, at least I am home, home back up North!
And now, I have to manifest a new place to live, my own place with a living room and dining room to put my things, my stuff, my furniture in! It's crazy how you feel lost without your things!!
Happy New Year to all, and Loving Blessings Always!!
New Year's Eve
New Year's Eve
Wow, what a day. I ran up north this morning for a nanny interview I had, and then went to the house to drop off a deposit to where I am going to be living! So happy for that and to be "home". I realized by moving here, this is not home anymore, hasn't been for over 35 years! I don't even know what I was thinking when I moved here, but I am so thrilled I figured it out and realized home is where my children are, up north.
Then, I met my son for lunch, and we had such a nice time. We hung out for a few hours, going to Starbucks afterward. I actually had one of the children's books on me that I wrote, "What is Heaven, Anyway?". A book I wrote from the inspiration of my great nephew, who asked me that question on the beach last summer! It triggered me to write a book about it, and now I am working on illustrating it. My son actually loved it, and my friend said it was deep! Deep? In my world, all of us know and believe this, but I guess not others out there. I took that as a total compliment. My son said he will ask some friends he knows in the art store, if they would want to help me illustrate it. He even took pictures of the book, to show them the words, to see what they could create! I am so excited about this, that I finally can show ownership for this, and be proud of something I created, instead of not putting it out there. I wrote about five children's books, and have plenty more ideas about other books as well!
I didn't leave North Jersey until late, and on my way home as I drove by the highway near my brother, I decided to stop by his home, and wish them a Happy New Year. This is the brother and sister in law I was upset with last Thanksgiving. Ever since I expressed my feelings to him about that Holiday and what happened, he has been so nice to me, calling me or texting me for each Holiday, and even Mothers Day! He has been trying to reach out and be nice to me, and I am truly touched. This has definitely changed my feelings toward him, softening my heart for sure. We had such a nice time on Christmas, and I had such a nice time with him and my sister in law tonight. This is home to me, their home, now that my Mom and Dad are not around. They have lived there for almost thirty years, and this is the sister in law I have always been close to, because she is truly an "Angel" on this earth! We talked a long time, and it took me forever to leave. I sat on the couch so tired from running around, but still had to go to my friends to celebrate the New Year, watching the ball drop.
I arrived at her home late, around 11:00, and that was fine with me. She had a smaller group this year without the young adults, and it was nice. I even met one of her friends that was into Spirituality like me, and we spoke awhile while she asked me many questions about that. I gave her my card, and we are going to get some girls together so I can do some Angel Card readings.
As the New Year came, I called all of my children, and wished them Happy New Year, as we do each year. My son was happy I wasn't alone, I guess he worries about me, which I did not even see. I left my girlfriends home exhausted and in so much pain, forgetting I have been running around all day again, and finally got in at 1:30 am.
I have sent intentions for the year, not resolutions, which has a negative tone to me. My intentions are of love, peace, joy, happiness, health and wealth. To live each day moment by moment, to follow my joy, and to fall in love. I also know this is the year I will become a legitimate author, having my first books published. Feeling grateful and thrilled!
Happy, Loving, Peaceful, Abundant New Year to All
Thursday, January 8, 2015
Christmas Holiday 2014
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah ~
So, the day is gone, but not the love! The love this Holiday season brings is beautiful, such a wonderful thing that can last as long as we want it to. It is a time to feel that love, the love of family that surrounds you every day, the love of friends, face book friends, soul mates, all of the wonders that walk this life.
I have a large family, I am one of seven children and have six brothers. We have always had large Holiday family gatherings, and I love it. It is so nice to be around the comfort of your family, even if issues have come up in the past. My day was so wonderful, having the chance to talk to my nieces who now have turned into "young women"! I am so very proud of them, and love them all very much, and they are all so gorgeous! My niece was there who has three boys who are my great nephews! I am a great Aunt nine times, my four nieces all had boys! Ha! These boys I only see for Christmas, I actually don't even know why. When my niece had her third son I was making plans to visit him, and she just never followed through, obviously not wanting me to come, and that left us not in touch. I would text her here and there to see him, and then I finally gave up, and she never reached out to me again. It's okay now, but I was upset at first because I love the children and love to be close to all of them, as I am my other great nephews, nieces and nephews. So, it is awesome to see them, they are such sweet boys, and thank the Lord for the little ones at Christmas!
My sister in law who had Christmas this year was totally drained. I could see it all over her face. She is a very strong Polish woman, and I love her so! She is so loving, kind and giving, and my brother did well choosing her. But this year, I could see how tired she was, and she likes to do everything herself in the kitchen, instead of letting you help her. My other sister in law and I helped, but she tends to just do things herself. She probably totally would have loved help earlier, although she does have a daughter that could help, but I doubt she does. My sister in law tends to give too much, like so many of us women, instead of asking others for help, even her own daughter. But, chipping in and helping as a child in a family is truly important, so they can learn the skills, and know how important it is to chip in and help when you need to!
The brother I am staying with made some comment insulting me by thanking my sister in law for something and not me. I actually just realized it now, how the comment was not nice at all, and I am staying with him. What is wrong with people, family? Why do we make comments that hurt others feelings? Is it that they are a mirror in my face, reflecting what needs to be healed within myself? So, what would that be for me? I don't even know with this issue what it would be. It seems to me that I trigger a lot in others, and they get short or nasty with me, and I am wondering why. But, as the story goes that I am learning, they are reflecting my "shadows", the parts in me I do not see because they weren't acceptable to see as a child, put down upon, and then we let go of it to be loved by them. They are parts that want to integrate with us and help us to become whole. It seems like it is so much work, work on yourself, work in life, work on helping others, it seems like it shouldn't be that way. I guess I could turn it around to there is so much love to give yourself to help heal by comforting yourself with your shadow aspect, and allow and accept it in. And turn around the work in life to be the love in life that allows us to shine our lights so bright and give to the world what it needs. The work on helping others is a gift we have, to stay love and connected to all. Yes, what a nice, different way to look at things, like a breath of fresh air!
It was so nice to see all of my family, I am blessed with a large family. I wish I had taken a picture of all the children as we do each year, but this year no one mentioned it. I thought of it at the end of the day, but never opened my mouth to get it done! I don't even know why, for some reason it feels as if I am "bothering" everyone! But, that picture is one of my favorite ones, all year round! I will never let it pass again. And the pictures someone took for me of my children and I came out very fuzzy, two times, on the cellphone. I should have used my real camera. I would love a really good camera again, like we always had before, and start taking pictures again. There were years after our divorce when my children were teenagers, where I barely have any pictures of them. Most of the pictures now are on line, but at least they are easy to get to have developed. I want to make a few books from them, of the holidays, vacation, etc. I started a project when I was leaving my house, and was going through all of our pictures from my kids childhood. I have four large bins of pictures, that need to be organized, and hung, and I can not wait to get to them. All of this is motivation to get my own place. Universe, send me financial abundance in an easy way! Easy lessons to learn on a loving, kind path ahead. Thank you, Amen. And financial abundance from doing what I love, and from others as well! I am open to receive this New Year, because it is about giving and receiving, and knowing abundance can come from others as well!!
Happy Holidays to all!
So, the day is gone, but not the love! The love this Holiday season brings is beautiful, such a wonderful thing that can last as long as we want it to. It is a time to feel that love, the love of family that surrounds you every day, the love of friends, face book friends, soul mates, all of the wonders that walk this life.
I have a large family, I am one of seven children and have six brothers. We have always had large Holiday family gatherings, and I love it. It is so nice to be around the comfort of your family, even if issues have come up in the past. My day was so wonderful, having the chance to talk to my nieces who now have turned into "young women"! I am so very proud of them, and love them all very much, and they are all so gorgeous! My niece was there who has three boys who are my great nephews! I am a great Aunt nine times, my four nieces all had boys! Ha! These boys I only see for Christmas, I actually don't even know why. When my niece had her third son I was making plans to visit him, and she just never followed through, obviously not wanting me to come, and that left us not in touch. I would text her here and there to see him, and then I finally gave up, and she never reached out to me again. It's okay now, but I was upset at first because I love the children and love to be close to all of them, as I am my other great nephews, nieces and nephews. So, it is awesome to see them, they are such sweet boys, and thank the Lord for the little ones at Christmas!
My sister in law who had Christmas this year was totally drained. I could see it all over her face. She is a very strong Polish woman, and I love her so! She is so loving, kind and giving, and my brother did well choosing her. But this year, I could see how tired she was, and she likes to do everything herself in the kitchen, instead of letting you help her. My other sister in law and I helped, but she tends to just do things herself. She probably totally would have loved help earlier, although she does have a daughter that could help, but I doubt she does. My sister in law tends to give too much, like so many of us women, instead of asking others for help, even her own daughter. But, chipping in and helping as a child in a family is truly important, so they can learn the skills, and know how important it is to chip in and help when you need to!
The brother I am staying with made some comment insulting me by thanking my sister in law for something and not me. I actually just realized it now, how the comment was not nice at all, and I am staying with him. What is wrong with people, family? Why do we make comments that hurt others feelings? Is it that they are a mirror in my face, reflecting what needs to be healed within myself? So, what would that be for me? I don't even know with this issue what it would be. It seems to me that I trigger a lot in others, and they get short or nasty with me, and I am wondering why. But, as the story goes that I am learning, they are reflecting my "shadows", the parts in me I do not see because they weren't acceptable to see as a child, put down upon, and then we let go of it to be loved by them. They are parts that want to integrate with us and help us to become whole. It seems like it is so much work, work on yourself, work in life, work on helping others, it seems like it shouldn't be that way. I guess I could turn it around to there is so much love to give yourself to help heal by comforting yourself with your shadow aspect, and allow and accept it in. And turn around the work in life to be the love in life that allows us to shine our lights so bright and give to the world what it needs. The work on helping others is a gift we have, to stay love and connected to all. Yes, what a nice, different way to look at things, like a breath of fresh air!
It was so nice to see all of my family, I am blessed with a large family. I wish I had taken a picture of all the children as we do each year, but this year no one mentioned it. I thought of it at the end of the day, but never opened my mouth to get it done! I don't even know why, for some reason it feels as if I am "bothering" everyone! But, that picture is one of my favorite ones, all year round! I will never let it pass again. And the pictures someone took for me of my children and I came out very fuzzy, two times, on the cellphone. I should have used my real camera. I would love a really good camera again, like we always had before, and start taking pictures again. There were years after our divorce when my children were teenagers, where I barely have any pictures of them. Most of the pictures now are on line, but at least they are easy to get to have developed. I want to make a few books from them, of the holidays, vacation, etc. I started a project when I was leaving my house, and was going through all of our pictures from my kids childhood. I have four large bins of pictures, that need to be organized, and hung, and I can not wait to get to them. All of this is motivation to get my own place. Universe, send me financial abundance in an easy way! Easy lessons to learn on a loving, kind path ahead. Thank you, Amen. And financial abundance from doing what I love, and from others as well! I am open to receive this New Year, because it is about giving and receiving, and knowing abundance can come from others as well!!
Happy Holidays to all!
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Wrapping My Christmas Gifts!
Hello Everyone
I have been running around Christmas shopping the last few days, after I am on the computer all morning looking for work. I will do my work in the morning, then leave in the late afternoon so I can give my brother all of his space. I am getting back in at 10:00, 11:00. Today I left at 1:00, and got in at 11:00 pm, too late for me. To be gone all day is too much on my body, the running around, my muscles in my upper back spasm up, and I am in so much pain. But, I have to deal with it now, still loving myself along the way. I will know in the future to make sure I can go through one thing, rest, and then move on.
I decided to do something that makes me happy, so I wrapped for Christmas, and this always makes me so happy! It helps me to focus on gratitude, which in turns keeps me at a higher vibration. I am so grateful to have the money to be able to buy my loved ones gifts. I am so grateful to have loved ones to buy gifts for! And I even packed a box for Teal, and my family there, each with special gifts. Mostly each one received some type of crystal, and this brought joy to my heart. To give back to her, and them, as they have given to me. What they have given me doesn't even compare to this, or to anything I can do for them. The best thing I can do, which is what we all can do, is to keep working on ourselves. To accepting who we are, and what we need to work on, and just do it. No more denial, no more blaming others, it is time to look inside. And someday, I will be working along side her, healing the children, like I want to help do!
I am so grateful for this Holiday Season now, as it gives me joy, love and faith. It is a time of the year of abundance and giving, and I sure am a part of it. Our hearts are more open during this time of giving, and receiving, and we are spreading so much more love out to others and into the Universe. It is truly a magical time of year for me, and it always has been. Christmas always has been a time of love, happiness, giving and joy, and I am so grateful for this now, because I truly need it. I love to hear the Christmas songs that arrive this time of year, they truly lift my heart as well. I use to decorate my home so much, and look forward to next year when I will be able to again.
I enjoyed shopping this year for my children, especially since I am not living with them, it makes me feel more connected to them. It's so fun to be out and not know what to buy for anyone, and then shop and see some many things they would love. I did not feel stressed about shopping at all this year, because I had so much time due to not wanting to be in my brothers home at all.
The feelings here are worse, feeling so not wanted here is starting to get to me, and its so sad, it makes me cry. I can't wait until I can figure this out, and be somewhere where I can be at peace.
Happy Holidays to all
I have been running around Christmas shopping the last few days, after I am on the computer all morning looking for work. I will do my work in the morning, then leave in the late afternoon so I can give my brother all of his space. I am getting back in at 10:00, 11:00. Today I left at 1:00, and got in at 11:00 pm, too late for me. To be gone all day is too much on my body, the running around, my muscles in my upper back spasm up, and I am in so much pain. But, I have to deal with it now, still loving myself along the way. I will know in the future to make sure I can go through one thing, rest, and then move on.
I decided to do something that makes me happy, so I wrapped for Christmas, and this always makes me so happy! It helps me to focus on gratitude, which in turns keeps me at a higher vibration. I am so grateful to have the money to be able to buy my loved ones gifts. I am so grateful to have loved ones to buy gifts for! And I even packed a box for Teal, and my family there, each with special gifts. Mostly each one received some type of crystal, and this brought joy to my heart. To give back to her, and them, as they have given to me. What they have given me doesn't even compare to this, or to anything I can do for them. The best thing I can do, which is what we all can do, is to keep working on ourselves. To accepting who we are, and what we need to work on, and just do it. No more denial, no more blaming others, it is time to look inside. And someday, I will be working along side her, healing the children, like I want to help do!
I am so grateful for this Holiday Season now, as it gives me joy, love and faith. It is a time of the year of abundance and giving, and I sure am a part of it. Our hearts are more open during this time of giving, and receiving, and we are spreading so much more love out to others and into the Universe. It is truly a magical time of year for me, and it always has been. Christmas always has been a time of love, happiness, giving and joy, and I am so grateful for this now, because I truly need it. I love to hear the Christmas songs that arrive this time of year, they truly lift my heart as well. I use to decorate my home so much, and look forward to next year when I will be able to again.
I enjoyed shopping this year for my children, especially since I am not living with them, it makes me feel more connected to them. It's so fun to be out and not know what to buy for anyone, and then shop and see some many things they would love. I did not feel stressed about shopping at all this year, because I had so much time due to not wanting to be in my brothers home at all.
The feelings here are worse, feeling so not wanted here is starting to get to me, and its so sad, it makes me cry. I can't wait until I can figure this out, and be somewhere where I can be at peace.
Happy Holidays to all
The Note ~ Time to Move Out
Namaste
So, I have been waking up in so much pain every morning. I am doing Reiki on my neck and stomach each morning and each night in bed, as my stomach has been hurting so much as well. Ugh, that's all I can say. I am trying to be in the moment with this pain, and ask what does it want to tell me. What is it stopping me from doing? Do I feel not worthy enough to accomplish my dreams? Am I afraid of what? I feel I am ready to have my books published, and know they will be enjoyed and bought, but I am working on a way to get this done. The Universe is suppose to send me people to help accomplish this for me, so let's wait and see what happens. I just have to stay positive about it, and keep moving in a forward direction towards this goal, always with dreams of it already happening, of me visiting children all over the Country and reading them my books. And having my adult book published as well, all about my spiritual journey to self love! What a journey it is, the ups and downs, like a roller coaster. I really was on the road to bliss, and then my life shifted totally with my kids moving out, and me moving as well. My Shaman explained that I have reached a higher level, and when you do, it's always the hardest. Well, at least there is an explanation for it, which is comforting to me. But, that's okay, I am here now, and ready to succeed.
I am staying at my brothers house and he told me when I moved in it was only for a few weeks, and those weeks are up. Christmas is in five days, and as I was on the phone with my daughter this morning and went downstairs I found an note from my brother. Time to move out! At the end of the month, he was very nice about it, but it still made me cry. I told my daughter I had to get off the phone so I could just process this (and I didn't want to cry to her!), and I did. I cried a bit, but wasn't angry at my brother, he told me from the start it was just for a few weeks, and he meant it! He said he likes his privacy, and he does, I think we all have shadows to hide. I give us, Teal Tribe, so much credit for trying to be authentic and not hide behind our shadows any longer! We are Warriors, and so are you! We are all here to shine our light so bright, to do something we love to do and make a difference in the world! And to love ourselves and become whole.
Anyway (sorry, I got off track), I called my other brother who said I could stay with him if I needed to, and he was surprised at my other brother's way of handling it, but that's the way he is. But, he said sure, after the holidays. Well that brings me to the first weekend in January, and I was asked to leave at the end of the month. Wow, look at what I manifested for myself, really no place to go, just forcing myself upon others, which I do not want to do. I have to figure this out, and change my plan somehow. I need to find a space to go within two weeks to be alone, and not live with someone who really doesn't want me there. My reaction would be, sure, of course, you can move in now if you want, we would love to have you. Guess I am very different, I don't know, but I do know my Parents always taught me to always be there for each other, that's all you have, and for me, that's true. Guess it's not true for all of us.
I have a another shift in my attitude after seeing my best friend's brother have a brain aneurysm two weeks ago, and is blessed to be alive. His Mother also passed away years back from the same thing, and the day this happened to him was his Mother's Birthday! Wow, this is truly a wake up call for him to take care of himself, and he really is now. He speaks of the things he loves to do and wants to do, like retire and move south. Sounds beautiful to me. Anyway, I look at how I am living now, in one room, without my belongings, my couches, Dining Room table, and with a brother who doesn't really want me here, but I now see the bigger picture of it being only temporary, and I am focusing on what I do want. My own place, writing my books, helping the children, working with Teal, and meeting the man of my dreams! These are my dreams for the New Year. This year I will do many more rituals, knowing what I know now I can!
Namaste
So, I have been waking up in so much pain every morning. I am doing Reiki on my neck and stomach each morning and each night in bed, as my stomach has been hurting so much as well. Ugh, that's all I can say. I am trying to be in the moment with this pain, and ask what does it want to tell me. What is it stopping me from doing? Do I feel not worthy enough to accomplish my dreams? Am I afraid of what? I feel I am ready to have my books published, and know they will be enjoyed and bought, but I am working on a way to get this done. The Universe is suppose to send me people to help accomplish this for me, so let's wait and see what happens. I just have to stay positive about it, and keep moving in a forward direction towards this goal, always with dreams of it already happening, of me visiting children all over the Country and reading them my books. And having my adult book published as well, all about my spiritual journey to self love! What a journey it is, the ups and downs, like a roller coaster. I really was on the road to bliss, and then my life shifted totally with my kids moving out, and me moving as well. My Shaman explained that I have reached a higher level, and when you do, it's always the hardest. Well, at least there is an explanation for it, which is comforting to me. But, that's okay, I am here now, and ready to succeed.
I am staying at my brothers house and he told me when I moved in it was only for a few weeks, and those weeks are up. Christmas is in five days, and as I was on the phone with my daughter this morning and went downstairs I found an note from my brother. Time to move out! At the end of the month, he was very nice about it, but it still made me cry. I told my daughter I had to get off the phone so I could just process this (and I didn't want to cry to her!), and I did. I cried a bit, but wasn't angry at my brother, he told me from the start it was just for a few weeks, and he meant it! He said he likes his privacy, and he does, I think we all have shadows to hide. I give us, Teal Tribe, so much credit for trying to be authentic and not hide behind our shadows any longer! We are Warriors, and so are you! We are all here to shine our light so bright, to do something we love to do and make a difference in the world! And to love ourselves and become whole.
Anyway (sorry, I got off track), I called my other brother who said I could stay with him if I needed to, and he was surprised at my other brother's way of handling it, but that's the way he is. But, he said sure, after the holidays. Well that brings me to the first weekend in January, and I was asked to leave at the end of the month. Wow, look at what I manifested for myself, really no place to go, just forcing myself upon others, which I do not want to do. I have to figure this out, and change my plan somehow. I need to find a space to go within two weeks to be alone, and not live with someone who really doesn't want me there. My reaction would be, sure, of course, you can move in now if you want, we would love to have you. Guess I am very different, I don't know, but I do know my Parents always taught me to always be there for each other, that's all you have, and for me, that's true. Guess it's not true for all of us.
I have a another shift in my attitude after seeing my best friend's brother have a brain aneurysm two weeks ago, and is blessed to be alive. His Mother also passed away years back from the same thing, and the day this happened to him was his Mother's Birthday! Wow, this is truly a wake up call for him to take care of himself, and he really is now. He speaks of the things he loves to do and wants to do, like retire and move south. Sounds beautiful to me. Anyway, I look at how I am living now, in one room, without my belongings, my couches, Dining Room table, and with a brother who doesn't really want me here, but I now see the bigger picture of it being only temporary, and I am focusing on what I do want. My own place, writing my books, helping the children, working with Teal, and meeting the man of my dreams! These are my dreams for the New Year. This year I will do many more rituals, knowing what I know now I can!
Namaste
Christmas Traditions, baking Christmas Cookies with Family!
Happy Holidays!
I had a beautiful day with my children yesterday, and my son even came with his friend we all love, and we had dinner together. It was so different, all of us eating at my daughters dining room table and not mine! It only makes me want my own place, and my stuff back sooner, like now.
Today, I had an awesome day as I met my daughters at my brothers home, to bake with my niece and her two boys. Christmas time, baking Christmas cookies is always traditional, and giving them away is too! My daughter planned this, as I am seeing how tradition is very comforting to her now.
We had a great time, the boys made sugar cookies with my daughter, while I made some chocolate chip. They had fun, but do not sit and focus very long, so up and running they went soon after they were done, not wanting to bake anymore. They ate way too many cookies all day, and it was so nice to see them and be with them. My one nephew is a cuddle monkey, and hung out on the couch with my daughter cuddling watching a Christmas movie.
I stayed for dinner, as my daughters had to leave due to other plans. My sister in laws parents came for dinner, and it was really nice to share food with them all. They probably didn't even realize how grateful I was to share a dinner with loved ones, being so alone now. We take so much for granted, until life changes on us drastically.
I wish my life turned out so different, I know that is not a loving thing to tell myself, but it is true. So much happened, so much pain, tears, and memories, I wish they would fade away sometimes, forever. As I keep walking on this journey, I see it is all about us, time to heal our inner child. Each issue we face that we do not like, is a chance for us to go back to that place of pain within our heart, and heal it. It always comes back to inner child work, every single time. Now, hopefully I can automatically go back to that place when I am triggered by someone in my life currently. There are so many triggers around constantly, makes me worry why I need so much work. This sometimes becomes overwhelming and upsetting, knowing there is always so much to work on. Our shadows, our things that anger us in others, our triggers, are all just a mirror of ourselves, a part of us we had to let go of due to the unacceptance we received from it in childhood. I dealt with so much of this inner child work after one of the Workshops I attended, and felt I released and integrated so much. But, now during this move, so much more is coming to the surface, I guess because I shook everything up! That's what it feels like, like my head is spinning because I have too much to focus on. I am trying to find work as a nanny, and also trying to publish my books, this is my first love, so I thought I would focus on this first.
My sister in law is a realtor, and she gave me some good information for when I am ready to rent. It was nice to talk to her, I have know her since I have been 17 years old, and I love the brother she is married to. They have a daughter, my niece who is divorced and has lived with them for five years, along with her two sons. I have been close to my niece since she was small, and have always tried to be there for her when she moved in with my brother, feeling her pain of divorce and single parenting. She is a doll, a blessing on this earth, and we are very close and I love her. She has fallen in love, and I am so happy for her, I think they are planning to get a place next year so she can move out. I can see how this is wearing on my brother and sister in law, it can be very draining on everyone when we invade each others space. And she has two very high energy boys, ages five and seven!
I see now having to crash with someone for awhile, how no one wants you in their space because we all have shadows. None of us is perfect, and we don't want others to see how we truly live. I suppose we judge our lives, and worry about what others think, or having to face for ourselves whats going on in our life. We tend to run around working, running errands, talking about others, and don't want to sit and relax and contemplate our own lives. Self reflection, something I think I have always done. Being a Psychology Major in College was perfect for me, I learned so much so long ago, and so many people still aren't awake to looking at their true selves, afraid of what they will find. But I want everyone to know, whatever we find, it becomes easier to deal with, not harder. We become softer and honest with ourselves, more authentic, and then the Universe really talks to us!!
Being with family warms my heart, make me feel happy, and gives me the strength to purge ahead!
Love you all
I had a beautiful day with my children yesterday, and my son even came with his friend we all love, and we had dinner together. It was so different, all of us eating at my daughters dining room table and not mine! It only makes me want my own place, and my stuff back sooner, like now.
Today, I had an awesome day as I met my daughters at my brothers home, to bake with my niece and her two boys. Christmas time, baking Christmas cookies is always traditional, and giving them away is too! My daughter planned this, as I am seeing how tradition is very comforting to her now.
We had a great time, the boys made sugar cookies with my daughter, while I made some chocolate chip. They had fun, but do not sit and focus very long, so up and running they went soon after they were done, not wanting to bake anymore. They ate way too many cookies all day, and it was so nice to see them and be with them. My one nephew is a cuddle monkey, and hung out on the couch with my daughter cuddling watching a Christmas movie.
I stayed for dinner, as my daughters had to leave due to other plans. My sister in laws parents came for dinner, and it was really nice to share food with them all. They probably didn't even realize how grateful I was to share a dinner with loved ones, being so alone now. We take so much for granted, until life changes on us drastically.
I wish my life turned out so different, I know that is not a loving thing to tell myself, but it is true. So much happened, so much pain, tears, and memories, I wish they would fade away sometimes, forever. As I keep walking on this journey, I see it is all about us, time to heal our inner child. Each issue we face that we do not like, is a chance for us to go back to that place of pain within our heart, and heal it. It always comes back to inner child work, every single time. Now, hopefully I can automatically go back to that place when I am triggered by someone in my life currently. There are so many triggers around constantly, makes me worry why I need so much work. This sometimes becomes overwhelming and upsetting, knowing there is always so much to work on. Our shadows, our things that anger us in others, our triggers, are all just a mirror of ourselves, a part of us we had to let go of due to the unacceptance we received from it in childhood. I dealt with so much of this inner child work after one of the Workshops I attended, and felt I released and integrated so much. But, now during this move, so much more is coming to the surface, I guess because I shook everything up! That's what it feels like, like my head is spinning because I have too much to focus on. I am trying to find work as a nanny, and also trying to publish my books, this is my first love, so I thought I would focus on this first.
My sister in law is a realtor, and she gave me some good information for when I am ready to rent. It was nice to talk to her, I have know her since I have been 17 years old, and I love the brother she is married to. They have a daughter, my niece who is divorced and has lived with them for five years, along with her two sons. I have been close to my niece since she was small, and have always tried to be there for her when she moved in with my brother, feeling her pain of divorce and single parenting. She is a doll, a blessing on this earth, and we are very close and I love her. She has fallen in love, and I am so happy for her, I think they are planning to get a place next year so she can move out. I can see how this is wearing on my brother and sister in law, it can be very draining on everyone when we invade each others space. And she has two very high energy boys, ages five and seven!
I see now having to crash with someone for awhile, how no one wants you in their space because we all have shadows. None of us is perfect, and we don't want others to see how we truly live. I suppose we judge our lives, and worry about what others think, or having to face for ourselves whats going on in our life. We tend to run around working, running errands, talking about others, and don't want to sit and relax and contemplate our own lives. Self reflection, something I think I have always done. Being a Psychology Major in College was perfect for me, I learned so much so long ago, and so many people still aren't awake to looking at their true selves, afraid of what they will find. But I want everyone to know, whatever we find, it becomes easier to deal with, not harder. We become softer and honest with ourselves, more authentic, and then the Universe really talks to us!!
Being with family warms my heart, make me feel happy, and gives me the strength to purge ahead!
Love you all
Feeling Confused but Having Faith and Hope!
Namaste
It has been so long since I have written, over a week. I have been running around, avoiding my brother's house, because I know I am not totally wanted there. Is this a feeling I am giving myself? I don't think so when he pretty much said he likes to live alone, and I was only welcome a few weeks. Well, a few weeks have passed, and I do not have the funds to move out, and do not have an income yet, but have been searching daily for nanny positions. I feel this vibration now of being not wanted. Was I not wanted in my childhood? Maybe even before that? Maybe.
I am not happy, if life came to this for me it's a pretty sad place to be, to end up. Yes, it is only temporary, as long as I keep believing I am here for a reason, I have purpose, and have something larger to give. And to become financially abundant to have what I want, and to be able to help others with their needs as well.
But, that's it, the faith. Knowing there is a positive flow of source energy connected to us, as long as we are in alignment will things go smoothly. In alignment is loving ourselves, our life, accepting where we are, following our joy, etc. Being in alignment is also watching our thoughts, and know we can manifest whatever we want. That's the hard part, because then you have to face that, wait, I created this? This moment, right now, right where I am, I wanted it and created it? All from our thoughts? Ugh. Sometimes we create what we don't want because we focus on it so much, worry about it, and the universe just sends it to us, that simple. By the power of attraction, we bring to us what we focus on, good or bad. That is why it is so important to be on the "chain of joy", and not the "chain of pain"! The chain of joy is focusing on things that make us feel good, the chain of pain is focusing on what makes us feel bad, it's that simple. So, if the news you are watching is all about killings, deaths, etc, and it is making you feel "bad", you will live in that reality of fear, worry, and focusing on situations that make you feel bad. If we turn our focus on what makes us feel good, on gratitude and finding things to be grateful for, we will be on that chain, and more joy will flow each and everyday. Why? Because that is a Universal law, meaning it's just how the Universe works. No, they do not teach you this in Catholic School, or the Catholic Church I was raised in. It was all about fear, worry, if you do not behave, "God will punish you"! Little did I know it was for social order, and control, to put us in a state of fear and worry. And, we are God, all of us, parts of God, Source Energy, The Universe, all of it, the same, we are all part of. We have the power within ourselves for change, although we were raised to feel powerless. It is wonderful to learn these new theories, the other part is remembering and following through. I need to follow through, and honestly believe I can have it all, make it all, and do it all, whatever that is for me!
But, this is all hard to do when you start to panic because you are looking for a job so hard, nothing is coming through, you feel you have no home and don't feel comfortable anywhere, you are no longer around your loved ones, and you feel lost with no where to go. This sucks, totally, and I have to admit it. This is such a challenge, one I don't like, and yes, I am very annoyed with being here on this earth at times, and this is one of those times. I can't even remember when I was truly happy in my life. The memories are all of raising my children, and times with my ex in College. So long ago these memories are, and the ones in between are heart breaking still. I guess I should go back to those times and heal them, because time is linear, and we really can change those feelings from the past, go back there and heal them, and integrate as one, like we are suppose to do. There always seems like so much work to do.
For now, I am confused, missing my kids I want to move back up North! Everyone has their life, now that we are older with our own families, my brothers and I. I thought there would be a lot of people to see here and things to do, but there is not. Like I said, everyone has their own life, and my life is my children, not my brothers and their wives and kids. Just like their life is to them. I was driving back and forth to see my kids so much, I needed to stop, rest and re group. As I did that yesterday, Sunday, I was very sad to be alone, with no where to go, and no family to be with. I guess I could have reached out to someone here, but I get tired of doing that as well, seems like it is always me asking if I can come by. I know I can stop by two places, but its like I also just want my own place and want people to come see me. I want to rest, and stop running around everywhere to see everyone. I want everyone to come into my own space, and I want true love. I want a man to come into my life as well, and sweep me off my feet, and take away my worries of finances and love! I know it's about loving myself, putting myself first, and proving to myself that I matter more than anyone! Just like we all have to remember, it's about us! Showing ourselves how much we care about us!! Did you ever look in the mirror and tell yourself you love yourself? That you are worthy? That you are enough? Try it, it's a great exercise to learn about how you truly feel about yourself, and then you can focus on loving yourself more.
I love you, all of you, my family, soul family, friends, and peeps I don't know yet. I wish you all an easy journey with soft lessons, and remembering to always reach out!
Namaste all Day!
It has been so long since I have written, over a week. I have been running around, avoiding my brother's house, because I know I am not totally wanted there. Is this a feeling I am giving myself? I don't think so when he pretty much said he likes to live alone, and I was only welcome a few weeks. Well, a few weeks have passed, and I do not have the funds to move out, and do not have an income yet, but have been searching daily for nanny positions. I feel this vibration now of being not wanted. Was I not wanted in my childhood? Maybe even before that? Maybe.
I am not happy, if life came to this for me it's a pretty sad place to be, to end up. Yes, it is only temporary, as long as I keep believing I am here for a reason, I have purpose, and have something larger to give. And to become financially abundant to have what I want, and to be able to help others with their needs as well.
But, that's it, the faith. Knowing there is a positive flow of source energy connected to us, as long as we are in alignment will things go smoothly. In alignment is loving ourselves, our life, accepting where we are, following our joy, etc. Being in alignment is also watching our thoughts, and know we can manifest whatever we want. That's the hard part, because then you have to face that, wait, I created this? This moment, right now, right where I am, I wanted it and created it? All from our thoughts? Ugh. Sometimes we create what we don't want because we focus on it so much, worry about it, and the universe just sends it to us, that simple. By the power of attraction, we bring to us what we focus on, good or bad. That is why it is so important to be on the "chain of joy", and not the "chain of pain"! The chain of joy is focusing on things that make us feel good, the chain of pain is focusing on what makes us feel bad, it's that simple. So, if the news you are watching is all about killings, deaths, etc, and it is making you feel "bad", you will live in that reality of fear, worry, and focusing on situations that make you feel bad. If we turn our focus on what makes us feel good, on gratitude and finding things to be grateful for, we will be on that chain, and more joy will flow each and everyday. Why? Because that is a Universal law, meaning it's just how the Universe works. No, they do not teach you this in Catholic School, or the Catholic Church I was raised in. It was all about fear, worry, if you do not behave, "God will punish you"! Little did I know it was for social order, and control, to put us in a state of fear and worry. And, we are God, all of us, parts of God, Source Energy, The Universe, all of it, the same, we are all part of. We have the power within ourselves for change, although we were raised to feel powerless. It is wonderful to learn these new theories, the other part is remembering and following through. I need to follow through, and honestly believe I can have it all, make it all, and do it all, whatever that is for me!
But, this is all hard to do when you start to panic because you are looking for a job so hard, nothing is coming through, you feel you have no home and don't feel comfortable anywhere, you are no longer around your loved ones, and you feel lost with no where to go. This sucks, totally, and I have to admit it. This is such a challenge, one I don't like, and yes, I am very annoyed with being here on this earth at times, and this is one of those times. I can't even remember when I was truly happy in my life. The memories are all of raising my children, and times with my ex in College. So long ago these memories are, and the ones in between are heart breaking still. I guess I should go back to those times and heal them, because time is linear, and we really can change those feelings from the past, go back there and heal them, and integrate as one, like we are suppose to do. There always seems like so much work to do.
For now, I am confused, missing my kids I want to move back up North! Everyone has their life, now that we are older with our own families, my brothers and I. I thought there would be a lot of people to see here and things to do, but there is not. Like I said, everyone has their own life, and my life is my children, not my brothers and their wives and kids. Just like their life is to them. I was driving back and forth to see my kids so much, I needed to stop, rest and re group. As I did that yesterday, Sunday, I was very sad to be alone, with no where to go, and no family to be with. I guess I could have reached out to someone here, but I get tired of doing that as well, seems like it is always me asking if I can come by. I know I can stop by two places, but its like I also just want my own place and want people to come see me. I want to rest, and stop running around everywhere to see everyone. I want everyone to come into my own space, and I want true love. I want a man to come into my life as well, and sweep me off my feet, and take away my worries of finances and love! I know it's about loving myself, putting myself first, and proving to myself that I matter more than anyone! Just like we all have to remember, it's about us! Showing ourselves how much we care about us!! Did you ever look in the mirror and tell yourself you love yourself? That you are worthy? That you are enough? Try it, it's a great exercise to learn about how you truly feel about yourself, and then you can focus on loving yourself more.
I love you, all of you, my family, soul family, friends, and peeps I don't know yet. I wish you all an easy journey with soft lessons, and remembering to always reach out!
Namaste all Day!
Another Sad Day! Ugh!!
Namaste all day
That's faking it until making it! Woke up in so much pain from running around for two days, driving four hours from here to take my daughter to New York to a Doctor appointment. It rained all day, and there was traffic everywhere. It also was my son's birthday, so we celebrated, and then Jake my daughters dog, came back from training. Lots going on, so tired of running. I ended sleeping at my daughter's house, woke up and got straight on the computer searching for more jobs.
After I left, I stopped at the hospital to see my best friend's brother who was in the hospital, just having serious surgery. He almost lost his life, but chose to live. We sat in his ICU unit for over two hours with his changed outlook on life. One of living, living to the fullest, following his joy, and doing what he wants to do. He is also an empath, and always does for others, and now it is time for him to care for himself. It was so wonderful connecting, as I had no idea how the visit would be, me being there without his sister, my best friend. He has realized life is a gift, one that he wants to still be part of. He spoke of his past dreams, and decided he wanted to fulfill them now. He realizes this is a wake up call to him, to "follow his joy", as my Spiritual Mentor has taught me!
I woke up in so much pain, and so emotionally sad. Waking up feeling the opposite as my friend in recovery. Feeling this is too hard, once again, too much physical pain, too much emotional pain, too much guilt from past decisions I have made that got me to this place. When you realize you create your future and manifest your life, you see things that occur in your life very differently. I am having to face my past and realize I created it, and then I go on a guilt trip. I go through all the scenes in my mind where I had financial abundance, but made poor choices, and it got me to a place of no income, and barely money left. I am not happy, I am sad once again, blaming myself for being where I am,. Am I in resistance? To what? That's what my Spiritual Mentor is telling me pain is. Oh my, always so much work to do. Fun, just fun, new experiences, lol.
I just listened to Teal Swan's new Podcast about pain, where it comes from and why, and how we manifest it! It is a really deep video, getting to the core root of the problem, and not just "blaming" it on an "accident". It is a very different way to live, when you look deep within to see why you manifested a disease or an illness. Because it is always due to our thoughts, our pain from our past, our lower vibrational energies, that we may not even be aware of. So, I aligned up to my accident in High School when I jumped off the high bars and fell on my face and almost broke my neck. Guess I should be glad I did not. I aligned with that accident because I did feel like a victim in my home, and was pretty much abused most of my life there. My brothers and I were very hard on each other, always physically fighting, and no one ever seemed to be there to protect me.
I just don't know, I hope I figure it out soon. I know life is a journey, but wonder many times why I chose to come here and experience this pain and suffering. I suppose only time will tell.
Om Shante Shante Om!
That's faking it until making it! Woke up in so much pain from running around for two days, driving four hours from here to take my daughter to New York to a Doctor appointment. It rained all day, and there was traffic everywhere. It also was my son's birthday, so we celebrated, and then Jake my daughters dog, came back from training. Lots going on, so tired of running. I ended sleeping at my daughter's house, woke up and got straight on the computer searching for more jobs.
After I left, I stopped at the hospital to see my best friend's brother who was in the hospital, just having serious surgery. He almost lost his life, but chose to live. We sat in his ICU unit for over two hours with his changed outlook on life. One of living, living to the fullest, following his joy, and doing what he wants to do. He is also an empath, and always does for others, and now it is time for him to care for himself. It was so wonderful connecting, as I had no idea how the visit would be, me being there without his sister, my best friend. He has realized life is a gift, one that he wants to still be part of. He spoke of his past dreams, and decided he wanted to fulfill them now. He realizes this is a wake up call to him, to "follow his joy", as my Spiritual Mentor has taught me!
I woke up in so much pain, and so emotionally sad. Waking up feeling the opposite as my friend in recovery. Feeling this is too hard, once again, too much physical pain, too much emotional pain, too much guilt from past decisions I have made that got me to this place. When you realize you create your future and manifest your life, you see things that occur in your life very differently. I am having to face my past and realize I created it, and then I go on a guilt trip. I go through all the scenes in my mind where I had financial abundance, but made poor choices, and it got me to a place of no income, and barely money left. I am not happy, I am sad once again, blaming myself for being where I am,. Am I in resistance? To what? That's what my Spiritual Mentor is telling me pain is. Oh my, always so much work to do. Fun, just fun, new experiences, lol.
I just listened to Teal Swan's new Podcast about pain, where it comes from and why, and how we manifest it! It is a really deep video, getting to the core root of the problem, and not just "blaming" it on an "accident". It is a very different way to live, when you look deep within to see why you manifested a disease or an illness. Because it is always due to our thoughts, our pain from our past, our lower vibrational energies, that we may not even be aware of. So, I aligned up to my accident in High School when I jumped off the high bars and fell on my face and almost broke my neck. Guess I should be glad I did not. I aligned with that accident because I did feel like a victim in my home, and was pretty much abused most of my life there. My brothers and I were very hard on each other, always physically fighting, and no one ever seemed to be there to protect me.
I just don't know, I hope I figure it out soon. I know life is a journey, but wonder many times why I chose to come here and experience this pain and suffering. I suppose only time will tell.
Om Shante Shante Om!
Sunday Thanksgiving Dinner with Family
Hello
It's Thanksgiving Sunday, and I am on my way to my brothers house for dinner. My sister in law has had it every year forever, but last year things changed, and this year she decided to have dinner on Sunday, so everyone can make it. I have always wanted to do this on the Saturday after Thanksgiving with my brother and sister in law I am really close to, but don't get to see for Thanksgiving. I am excited because my nieces will be there with their young children, and my kids will be there too. She is having around 25 people, just like years ago when my family spent most holidays together.
I called over there to tell them my one daughter wasn't coming, she's not feeling very well, and they asked for help! I enjoy helping so I am going to head over now.
Yesterday I had a much better day. I went to my brothers to get my plants because they were "calling me"! When I got to them, half of them were dead, and I cried! I do not know why my sister in law would assure me they would be okay in her cold garage, when my gut told me no. But, of course, I just went along with it, and now am so sad. I ran there when my brother wasn't home, and snuck them in while he was gone, worried he wouldn't want a lot of stuff of mine here in my room. I always worry about what everyone things, trying to respect them. The plants have made a huge difference right away, feeling that great energy from them, comforting me subconsciously. I am so grateful for my plants!
Then, I ran out again, I had a return at Marshalls, and while I was there picked up a few gifts for Christmas. Christmas is here, time to get stuff together for the people you love, regardless of the money you have.
I also went to the food store, trying to buy things that were nourishing for my stomach, because it has been crying out in pain. That took forever, because it is a food store I am not use to shopping in, and had to look for everything. It was fine though, it was Saturday night, and I didn't feel like being inside all night, like I have been the last few days.
I realized I have no life, no one to call and hang out with on a Saturday night. This is pretty sad to me, making me realize I need to move and shake, and find like minded souls to meet up with and connect.
I will have to check out some Yoga Studios, and join one so I can meet some people. I also want to try to borrow a room at a Studio so I can start doing some Reiki. I am putting all of this out to the Universe for it to send me what it needs, so I can do the work I came here to do. Synchronicity is the magic word, when I am with my soul mates, we use this word constantly, because that is all we see each minute we are together for the weekend, total synchronicity.
I am off, let me get there to help her, I will write later!
Namaste all Day
PS Feeling much better today, haven't even cried once about where I am in my life, that's a major breakthrough!
It's Thanksgiving Sunday, and I am on my way to my brothers house for dinner. My sister in law has had it every year forever, but last year things changed, and this year she decided to have dinner on Sunday, so everyone can make it. I have always wanted to do this on the Saturday after Thanksgiving with my brother and sister in law I am really close to, but don't get to see for Thanksgiving. I am excited because my nieces will be there with their young children, and my kids will be there too. She is having around 25 people, just like years ago when my family spent most holidays together.
I called over there to tell them my one daughter wasn't coming, she's not feeling very well, and they asked for help! I enjoy helping so I am going to head over now.
Yesterday I had a much better day. I went to my brothers to get my plants because they were "calling me"! When I got to them, half of them were dead, and I cried! I do not know why my sister in law would assure me they would be okay in her cold garage, when my gut told me no. But, of course, I just went along with it, and now am so sad. I ran there when my brother wasn't home, and snuck them in while he was gone, worried he wouldn't want a lot of stuff of mine here in my room. I always worry about what everyone things, trying to respect them. The plants have made a huge difference right away, feeling that great energy from them, comforting me subconsciously. I am so grateful for my plants!
Then, I ran out again, I had a return at Marshalls, and while I was there picked up a few gifts for Christmas. Christmas is here, time to get stuff together for the people you love, regardless of the money you have.
I also went to the food store, trying to buy things that were nourishing for my stomach, because it has been crying out in pain. That took forever, because it is a food store I am not use to shopping in, and had to look for everything. It was fine though, it was Saturday night, and I didn't feel like being inside all night, like I have been the last few days.
I realized I have no life, no one to call and hang out with on a Saturday night. This is pretty sad to me, making me realize I need to move and shake, and find like minded souls to meet up with and connect.
I will have to check out some Yoga Studios, and join one so I can meet some people. I also want to try to borrow a room at a Studio so I can start doing some Reiki. I am putting all of this out to the Universe for it to send me what it needs, so I can do the work I came here to do. Synchronicity is the magic word, when I am with my soul mates, we use this word constantly, because that is all we see each minute we are together for the weekend, total synchronicity.
I am off, let me get there to help her, I will write later!
Namaste all Day
PS Feeling much better today, haven't even cried once about where I am in my life, that's a major breakthrough!
Still Suffering in Pain, Why?
Namaste to all
It is Saturday, after Thanksgiving, and I am still here in bed alone in pain. Yesterday, black Friday when everyone is out shopping having fun, or not fighting the crowds, I was in all day, in bad pain still. I couldn't lay in bed all day, not being in my own "home", so I did some computer stuff, listened to some Teal videos, and rested in between. Teal even had a new video that spoke about the pain in our bodies, how to identify where the pain is coming from, because she feels it is always emotional, always old emotional stuff. Its crazy that she always seems to be "talking" to me, through her videos and blogs, things I need to hear exactly at that time. She is so aware and connected to all of us, always seeming to know how much we are suffering. She must have heard my cries, because I have been crying out to her for help, and then it came from her through her Podcast. I am so grateful and thankful for her words, her knowledge, and her compassion for the humans here on earth to help us out of our suffering! She explained how the pain in our body does come from our emotions, always. So, to go into that pain and figure out what it is about. She explained how neck pain is related to resentment, so I need to go inside and figure out where that is coming from. My stomach has been hurting for days as well, so I have a lot of work to do, going back to the past to find out where it is from. The problem for me is usually I see the same memories, new ones do not come up. But, if I have been back there and healed my inner child from that time, I am wondering why I tend to see the same visions. I will set some time aside to work on this, but not today.
I could not lay in bed and rest like I usually do, that made me too depressed, thinking about everything I am upset about. I am especially upset about my finances, not having any income coming in at the moment, and trying to figure out how. I do have a lot I love to do, it's just getting it all in the works, and that is the hard part. I have written some children's books I need illustrated, I started my book on my Journey to Self Love, I am a Reiki Practitioner, and an Angel and Oracle Card Reader, a Young Living Oil distributor, a children's yoga instructor, and a Donna Eden Energy Instructor, and would love to find an abundance of financial wealth in any of these areas. But, like I said, it's about getting any of them started, and that is where I get stuck and need help. So, I have asked the Universe and my Guides to help send me opportunities to use my talents, and follow my life purpose, but I can't seem to do it alone. I have always in the past had many dreams, but for them to come to completion has not happened yet. I have wanted to write a book since I can imagine, and will have it published someday.
Today I need to get out of the house, being in all day yesterday in pain was truly depressing. It made me cry about everything, especially about having to live without my children and missing them so much. I want to live near them so I can just stop by here in there quickly, not always having to plan a day and stay for hours. I know now is not the time to make serious decisions, so I will wait and see how I feel when my pain has subsided. I have errands to run, and want to get to my brothers to get my plants from his garage so they don't die. They have been calling me to get them, so I will. I was worried my brother here wouldn't want them, but I need them around me now. They comfort me and give me energy, and that is nourishing to me now. The problem is I am still in so much pain and don't want to do anything, and I am sad during this Thanksgiving break that I am inside in so much pain!
I pretty much hate life right now, hate everything I have done, and hate being alone without my children. What is the point of life anymore and to live? I truly don't see too much point in it right now, can't seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have felt so sad, so sad I don't even want to write.
I am going to get in the tub now, and don't even want to. To try to start my day and get outside, for I don't even know what. I want my family back, my husband, my children, my home, my family unit, my security, my safe place to be. We take so much for granted, especially our families. Look at what I had and lost, I ruined my children's lives by our divorce, and broke my heart and my husbands heart along the way. I am not happy at all.
Namaste
It is Saturday, after Thanksgiving, and I am still here in bed alone in pain. Yesterday, black Friday when everyone is out shopping having fun, or not fighting the crowds, I was in all day, in bad pain still. I couldn't lay in bed all day, not being in my own "home", so I did some computer stuff, listened to some Teal videos, and rested in between. Teal even had a new video that spoke about the pain in our bodies, how to identify where the pain is coming from, because she feels it is always emotional, always old emotional stuff. Its crazy that she always seems to be "talking" to me, through her videos and blogs, things I need to hear exactly at that time. She is so aware and connected to all of us, always seeming to know how much we are suffering. She must have heard my cries, because I have been crying out to her for help, and then it came from her through her Podcast. I am so grateful and thankful for her words, her knowledge, and her compassion for the humans here on earth to help us out of our suffering! She explained how the pain in our body does come from our emotions, always. So, to go into that pain and figure out what it is about. She explained how neck pain is related to resentment, so I need to go inside and figure out where that is coming from. My stomach has been hurting for days as well, so I have a lot of work to do, going back to the past to find out where it is from. The problem for me is usually I see the same memories, new ones do not come up. But, if I have been back there and healed my inner child from that time, I am wondering why I tend to see the same visions. I will set some time aside to work on this, but not today.
I could not lay in bed and rest like I usually do, that made me too depressed, thinking about everything I am upset about. I am especially upset about my finances, not having any income coming in at the moment, and trying to figure out how. I do have a lot I love to do, it's just getting it all in the works, and that is the hard part. I have written some children's books I need illustrated, I started my book on my Journey to Self Love, I am a Reiki Practitioner, and an Angel and Oracle Card Reader, a Young Living Oil distributor, a children's yoga instructor, and a Donna Eden Energy Instructor, and would love to find an abundance of financial wealth in any of these areas. But, like I said, it's about getting any of them started, and that is where I get stuck and need help. So, I have asked the Universe and my Guides to help send me opportunities to use my talents, and follow my life purpose, but I can't seem to do it alone. I have always in the past had many dreams, but for them to come to completion has not happened yet. I have wanted to write a book since I can imagine, and will have it published someday.
Today I need to get out of the house, being in all day yesterday in pain was truly depressing. It made me cry about everything, especially about having to live without my children and missing them so much. I want to live near them so I can just stop by here in there quickly, not always having to plan a day and stay for hours. I know now is not the time to make serious decisions, so I will wait and see how I feel when my pain has subsided. I have errands to run, and want to get to my brothers to get my plants from his garage so they don't die. They have been calling me to get them, so I will. I was worried my brother here wouldn't want them, but I need them around me now. They comfort me and give me energy, and that is nourishing to me now. The problem is I am still in so much pain and don't want to do anything, and I am sad during this Thanksgiving break that I am inside in so much pain!
I pretty much hate life right now, hate everything I have done, and hate being alone without my children. What is the point of life anymore and to live? I truly don't see too much point in it right now, can't seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have felt so sad, so sad I don't even want to write.
I am going to get in the tub now, and don't even want to. To try to start my day and get outside, for I don't even know what. I want my family back, my husband, my children, my home, my family unit, my security, my safe place to be. We take so much for granted, especially our families. Look at what I had and lost, I ruined my children's lives by our divorce, and broke my heart and my husbands heart along the way. I am not happy at all.
Namaste
Thanksgiving ~ 2104
Namste
Waking up on Thanksgiving Day without my children was sad enough. But to wake up with the migraine and neck pain I have now is awful. I woke up with this pain yesterday, and I am so not happy. I have cried again over this pain, why it is there and why I am still in pain after all these years, and all I have done to change my life, as suggested by my Spiritual Mentor.
I quit my job as a nanny watching four young children under the age of seven, and I moved, we moved, the girls moved out and I had to move as well. No one to care for, but myself was suppose to help me. I see no help here, I only see new obstacles to cross over, like feelings of being alone and lonely, feelings of having no one and nothing, no job, no family, no home of my own.
This is really hard, really tough, and I truly see why people get so drained and tired of this life and just want to leave. Leave to a place of peace, so I would hope.
I finally got in the tub, as late as I could, but it didn't seem to help the pain at all. I knew I was too sad to stay home on this Holiday, so I got the strength to get dressed and drive to my brothers home.
Last year our Thanksgiving got changed, we had plans to go out to dinner as a family due to my sister in laws knee injury, not wanting to cook. Then, last minute her daughter did not want to go out to dinner for the day, so her daughter ended up inviting my sister in law, her mother, to dinner, but excluded us! So, we were pretty much uninvited, me and my three single brothers. I was very surprised at my sister in law and brother to have made this decision, and just ditch us, the single ones who aren't married to fend for ourselves. My sister in law has Thanksgiving every year, for our families together. If my daughter would have done this, I would have told her if she wanted to change our plans, and have dinner at her house, either she would have to invite everyone as planned, or keep the plans to go out to dinner. I guess it didn't matter to them if we were left out or not, because this wasn't done. I felt this was really rude, and selfish, and yes, it did hurt. Because the truth of the matter was, her daughter, who I use to take to the beach alone as a child, did not want me, and my three single brothers, to share in her Thanksgiving Holiday which is filled with what and who to be grateful for. Surely I am not one of those people. And yes, I am hurt, hurt by her behavior, and hurt by my brother and sister in law that didn't care enough if we were there or not.
So, this year, my brother and sister in law decided to go out to dinner on Thanksgiving, and they were going to have Thanksgiving Dinner on Sunday, so her family can attend as well. That's fine, I just have no desire to go out to dinner for a holiday, so I told them I wasn't going to join them. And, it was pricey, money I didn't want to spend on dinner either because I barely eat. I explained this to another sister in law of mine, and she invited me to her home, where she has her family over for the holiday. I wanted to be with my children who just moved out, and thought we could do a small dinner alone there if they wanted. They decided for all of us to go to my sister in laws for dinner, not wanting to just be alone with just "us", because we have such a large family and are always together for the holidays! That was fine with me, so off I went to Thanksgiving Dinner, for the first time at my other brothers home.
The day was really nice, she has a large family too like us, with a few small children running around. There even was a four month old baby I had the opportunity to hold, and make laugh, and that always warms my heart. Even though I was in so much pain, I couldn't sit still, so I got up to help my sister in law cook. My children were really compassionate to me, telling me to sit and they would help. I think I needed to keep busy to take my mind off the pain, and it helped. My sister in law is amazing in the kitchen, she cooks so much food, always stays calm, and never complains. And, she seems to do this all by herself, without much help from anyone.
Coming home, I was in so much pain, and decided to get in bed, and try to relax. All in all, this is not a fun process, being alone on a holiday without your family, getting in bed feeling all alone. I do not like this, and I am wondering why I would want this experience in my life right now. I try not to go back to the past and dwell on how I could have done things differently as to not be in this situation now, something I use to do all the time, staying stuck there. I have forgotten all about the Universe putting me right where I should be, or does it if we create it ourselves? How can we manifest our future at the same time as the Universe giving us what we need? You can't tell me everything in our face now, our life, our reality, is exactly what we want or need to be? All for what? All to suffer and be in pain for what?
It really is getting too hard for me now, I can't see the end to this tunnel.
Going to relax now, hope everyone had a beautiful, loving holiday! <3
Waking up on Thanksgiving Day without my children was sad enough. But to wake up with the migraine and neck pain I have now is awful. I woke up with this pain yesterday, and I am so not happy. I have cried again over this pain, why it is there and why I am still in pain after all these years, and all I have done to change my life, as suggested by my Spiritual Mentor.
I quit my job as a nanny watching four young children under the age of seven, and I moved, we moved, the girls moved out and I had to move as well. No one to care for, but myself was suppose to help me. I see no help here, I only see new obstacles to cross over, like feelings of being alone and lonely, feelings of having no one and nothing, no job, no family, no home of my own.
This is really hard, really tough, and I truly see why people get so drained and tired of this life and just want to leave. Leave to a place of peace, so I would hope.
I finally got in the tub, as late as I could, but it didn't seem to help the pain at all. I knew I was too sad to stay home on this Holiday, so I got the strength to get dressed and drive to my brothers home.
Last year our Thanksgiving got changed, we had plans to go out to dinner as a family due to my sister in laws knee injury, not wanting to cook. Then, last minute her daughter did not want to go out to dinner for the day, so her daughter ended up inviting my sister in law, her mother, to dinner, but excluded us! So, we were pretty much uninvited, me and my three single brothers. I was very surprised at my sister in law and brother to have made this decision, and just ditch us, the single ones who aren't married to fend for ourselves. My sister in law has Thanksgiving every year, for our families together. If my daughter would have done this, I would have told her if she wanted to change our plans, and have dinner at her house, either she would have to invite everyone as planned, or keep the plans to go out to dinner. I guess it didn't matter to them if we were left out or not, because this wasn't done. I felt this was really rude, and selfish, and yes, it did hurt. Because the truth of the matter was, her daughter, who I use to take to the beach alone as a child, did not want me, and my three single brothers, to share in her Thanksgiving Holiday which is filled with what and who to be grateful for. Surely I am not one of those people. And yes, I am hurt, hurt by her behavior, and hurt by my brother and sister in law that didn't care enough if we were there or not.
So, this year, my brother and sister in law decided to go out to dinner on Thanksgiving, and they were going to have Thanksgiving Dinner on Sunday, so her family can attend as well. That's fine, I just have no desire to go out to dinner for a holiday, so I told them I wasn't going to join them. And, it was pricey, money I didn't want to spend on dinner either because I barely eat. I explained this to another sister in law of mine, and she invited me to her home, where she has her family over for the holiday. I wanted to be with my children who just moved out, and thought we could do a small dinner alone there if they wanted. They decided for all of us to go to my sister in laws for dinner, not wanting to just be alone with just "us", because we have such a large family and are always together for the holidays! That was fine with me, so off I went to Thanksgiving Dinner, for the first time at my other brothers home.
The day was really nice, she has a large family too like us, with a few small children running around. There even was a four month old baby I had the opportunity to hold, and make laugh, and that always warms my heart. Even though I was in so much pain, I couldn't sit still, so I got up to help my sister in law cook. My children were really compassionate to me, telling me to sit and they would help. I think I needed to keep busy to take my mind off the pain, and it helped. My sister in law is amazing in the kitchen, she cooks so much food, always stays calm, and never complains. And, she seems to do this all by herself, without much help from anyone.
Coming home, I was in so much pain, and decided to get in bed, and try to relax. All in all, this is not a fun process, being alone on a holiday without your family, getting in bed feeling all alone. I do not like this, and I am wondering why I would want this experience in my life right now. I try not to go back to the past and dwell on how I could have done things differently as to not be in this situation now, something I use to do all the time, staying stuck there. I have forgotten all about the Universe putting me right where I should be, or does it if we create it ourselves? How can we manifest our future at the same time as the Universe giving us what we need? You can't tell me everything in our face now, our life, our reality, is exactly what we want or need to be? All for what? All to suffer and be in pain for what?
It really is getting too hard for me now, I can't see the end to this tunnel.
Going to relax now, hope everyone had a beautiful, loving holiday! <3
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