Another Sad Day! Ugh!!

Namaste all day
That's faking it until making it!  Woke up in so much pain from running around for two days, driving four hours from here to take my daughter to New York to a Doctor appointment.  It rained all day, and there was traffic everywhere. It also was my son's birthday, so we celebrated, and then Jake my daughters dog, came back from training.  Lots going on, so tired of running.  I ended sleeping at my daughter's house, woke up and got straight on the computer searching for more jobs.
After I left, I stopped at the hospital to see my best friend's brother who was in the hospital, just having serious surgery.  He almost lost his life, but chose to live.  We sat in his ICU unit for over two hours with his changed outlook on life.  One of living, living to the fullest, following his joy, and doing what he wants to do.  He is also an empath, and always does for others, and now it is time for him to care for himself.  It was so wonderful connecting, as I had no idea how the visit would be, me being there without his sister, my best friend.  He has realized life is a gift, one that he wants to still be part of.  He spoke of his past dreams, and decided he wanted to fulfill them now.  He realizes this is a wake up call to him, to "follow his joy", as my Spiritual Mentor has taught me!
I woke up in so much pain, and so emotionally sad. Waking up feeling the opposite as my friend in recovery.  Feeling this is too hard, once again, too much physical pain, too much emotional pain, too much guilt from past decisions I have made that got me to this place.  When you realize you create your future and manifest your life, you see things that occur in your life very differently.  I am having to face my past and realize I created it, and then I go on a guilt trip.  I go through all the scenes in my mind where I had financial abundance, but made poor choices, and it got me to a place of no income, and barely money left.  I am not happy, I am sad once again, blaming myself for being where I am,.  Am I in resistance?  To what? That's what my Spiritual Mentor is telling me pain is.  Oh my, always so much work to do. Fun, just fun, new experiences, lol.
I just listened to Teal Swan's new Podcast about pain, where it comes from and why, and how we manifest it!  It is a really deep video, getting to the core root of the problem, and not just "blaming" it on an "accident".  It is a very different way to live, when you look deep within to see why you manifested a disease or an illness.  Because it is always due to our thoughts, our pain from our past, our lower vibrational energies, that we may not even be aware of.  So, I aligned up to my accident in High School when I jumped off the high bars and fell on my face and almost broke my neck.  Guess I should be glad I did not.  I aligned with that accident because I did feel like a victim in my home, and was pretty much abused most of my life there.  My brothers and I were very hard on each other, always physically fighting, and no one ever seemed to be there to protect me.
I just don't know, I hope I figure it out soon.  I know life is a journey, but wonder many times why I chose to come here and experience this pain and suffering.  I suppose only time will tell.
Om Shante Shante Om!