Thanksgiving ~ 2104

Namste
Waking up on Thanksgiving Day without my children was sad enough.  But to wake up with the migraine and neck pain I have now is awful.  I woke up with this pain yesterday, and I am so not happy.  I have cried again over this pain, why it is there and why I am still in pain after all these years, and all I have done to change my life, as suggested by my Spiritual Mentor.  
I quit my job as a nanny watching four young children under the age of seven, and I moved, we moved, the girls moved out and I had to move as well.  No one to care for, but myself was suppose to help me.  I see no help here, I only see new obstacles to cross over, like feelings of being alone and lonely, feelings of having no one and nothing, no job, no family, no home of my own.
This is really hard, really tough, and I truly see why people get so drained and tired of this life and just want to leave.  Leave to a place of peace, so I would hope.
I finally got in the tub, as late as I could, but it didn't seem to help the pain at all.  I knew I was too sad to stay home on this Holiday, so I got the strength to get dressed and drive to my brothers home.  
Last year our Thanksgiving got changed, we had plans to go out to dinner as a family due to my sister in laws knee injury, not wanting to cook.  Then, last minute her daughter did not want to go out to dinner for the day, so her daughter ended up inviting my sister in law, her mother, to dinner, but excluded us!  So, we were pretty much uninvited, me and my three single brothers.  I was very surprised at my sister in law and brother to have made this decision, and just ditch us, the single ones who aren't married to fend for ourselves.  My sister in law has Thanksgiving every year, for our families together.  If my daughter would have done this, I would have told her if she wanted to change our plans, and have dinner at her house, either she would have to invite everyone as planned, or keep the plans to go out to dinner.  I guess it didn't matter to them if we were left out or not, because this wasn't done.  I felt this was really rude, and selfish, and yes, it did hurt.  Because the truth of the matter was, her daughter, who I use to take to the beach alone as a child, did not want me, and my three single brothers, to share in her Thanksgiving Holiday which is filled with what and who to be grateful for.  Surely I am not one of those people.  And yes, I am hurt, hurt by her behavior, and hurt by my brother and sister in law that didn't care enough if we were there or not.
So, this year, my brother and sister in law decided to go out to dinner on Thanksgiving, and they were going to have Thanksgiving Dinner on Sunday, so her family can attend as well.  That's fine, I just have no desire to go out to dinner for a holiday, so I told them I wasn't going to join them.  And, it was pricey, money I didn't want to spend on dinner either because I barely eat.  I explained this to another sister in law of mine, and she invited me to her home, where she has her family over for the holiday.  I wanted to be with my children who just moved out, and thought we could do a small dinner alone there if they wanted.  They decided for all of us to go to my sister in laws for dinner, not wanting to just be alone with just "us", because we have such a large family and are always together for the holidays!  That was fine with me, so off I went to Thanksgiving Dinner, for the first time at my other brothers home.
The day was really nice, she has a large family too like us, with a few small children running around.  There even was a four month old baby I had the opportunity to hold, and make laugh, and that always warms my heart.  Even though I was in so much pain, I couldn't sit still, so I got up to help my sister in law cook.  My children were really compassionate to me, telling me to sit and they would help.  I think I needed to keep busy to take my mind off the pain, and it helped.  My sister in law is amazing in the kitchen, she cooks so much food, always stays calm, and never complains.  And, she seems to do this all by herself, without much help from anyone.  
Coming home, I was in so much pain, and decided to get in bed, and try to relax.  All in all, this is not a fun process, being alone on a holiday without your family, getting in bed feeling all alone.  I do not like this, and I am wondering why I would want this experience in my life right now.  I try not to go back to the past and dwell on how I could have done things differently as to not be in this situation now, something I use to do all the time, staying stuck there.  I have forgotten all about the Universe putting me right where I should be, or does it if we create it ourselves?  How can we manifest our future at the same time as the Universe giving us what we need?  You can't tell me everything in our face now, our life, our reality, is exactly what we want or need to be?  All for what?  All to suffer and be in pain for what?  
It really is getting too hard for me now, I can't see the end to this tunnel.
Going to relax now, hope everyone had a beautiful, loving holiday! <3