Namaste
It has been so long since I have written, over a week. I have been running around, avoiding my brother's house, because I know I am not totally wanted there. Is this a feeling I am giving myself? I don't think so when he pretty much said he likes to live alone, and I was only welcome a few weeks. Well, a few weeks have passed, and I do not have the funds to move out, and do not have an income yet, but have been searching daily for nanny positions. I feel this vibration now of being not wanted. Was I not wanted in my childhood? Maybe even before that? Maybe.
I am not happy, if life came to this for me it's a pretty sad place to be, to end up. Yes, it is only temporary, as long as I keep believing I am here for a reason, I have purpose, and have something larger to give. And to become financially abundant to have what I want, and to be able to help others with their needs as well.
But, that's it, the faith. Knowing there is a positive flow of source energy connected to us, as long as we are in alignment will things go smoothly. In alignment is loving ourselves, our life, accepting where we are, following our joy, etc. Being in alignment is also watching our thoughts, and know we can manifest whatever we want. That's the hard part, because then you have to face that, wait, I created this? This moment, right now, right where I am, I wanted it and created it? All from our thoughts? Ugh. Sometimes we create what we don't want because we focus on it so much, worry about it, and the universe just sends it to us, that simple. By the power of attraction, we bring to us what we focus on, good or bad. That is why it is so important to be on the "chain of joy", and not the "chain of pain"! The chain of joy is focusing on things that make us feel good, the chain of pain is focusing on what makes us feel bad, it's that simple. So, if the news you are watching is all about killings, deaths, etc, and it is making you feel "bad", you will live in that reality of fear, worry, and focusing on situations that make you feel bad. If we turn our focus on what makes us feel good, on gratitude and finding things to be grateful for, we will be on that chain, and more joy will flow each and everyday. Why? Because that is a Universal law, meaning it's just how the Universe works. No, they do not teach you this in Catholic School, or the Catholic Church I was raised in. It was all about fear, worry, if you do not behave, "God will punish you"! Little did I know it was for social order, and control, to put us in a state of fear and worry. And, we are God, all of us, parts of God, Source Energy, The Universe, all of it, the same, we are all part of. We have the power within ourselves for change, although we were raised to feel powerless. It is wonderful to learn these new theories, the other part is remembering and following through. I need to follow through, and honestly believe I can have it all, make it all, and do it all, whatever that is for me!
But, this is all hard to do when you start to panic because you are looking for a job so hard, nothing is coming through, you feel you have no home and don't feel comfortable anywhere, you are no longer around your loved ones, and you feel lost with no where to go. This sucks, totally, and I have to admit it. This is such a challenge, one I don't like, and yes, I am very annoyed with being here on this earth at times, and this is one of those times. I can't even remember when I was truly happy in my life. The memories are all of raising my children, and times with my ex in College. So long ago these memories are, and the ones in between are heart breaking still. I guess I should go back to those times and heal them, because time is linear, and we really can change those feelings from the past, go back there and heal them, and integrate as one, like we are suppose to do. There always seems like so much work to do.
For now, I am confused, missing my kids I want to move back up North! Everyone has their life, now that we are older with our own families, my brothers and I. I thought there would be a lot of people to see here and things to do, but there is not. Like I said, everyone has their own life, and my life is my children, not my brothers and their wives and kids. Just like their life is to them. I was driving back and forth to see my kids so much, I needed to stop, rest and re group. As I did that yesterday, Sunday, I was very sad to be alone, with no where to go, and no family to be with. I guess I could have reached out to someone here, but I get tired of doing that as well, seems like it is always me asking if I can come by. I know I can stop by two places, but its like I also just want my own place and want people to come see me. I want to rest, and stop running around everywhere to see everyone. I want everyone to come into my own space, and I want true love. I want a man to come into my life as well, and sweep me off my feet, and take away my worries of finances and love! I know it's about loving myself, putting myself first, and proving to myself that I matter more than anyone! Just like we all have to remember, it's about us! Showing ourselves how much we care about us!! Did you ever look in the mirror and tell yourself you love yourself? That you are worthy? That you are enough? Try it, it's a great exercise to learn about how you truly feel about yourself, and then you can focus on loving yourself more.
I love you, all of you, my family, soul family, friends, and peeps I don't know yet. I wish you all an easy journey with soft lessons, and remembering to always reach out!
Namaste all Day!
No comments:
Post a Comment