Hello
It's Sunday, and I had a really tough, sad, depressing weekend. I woke up yesterday and today in tears, crying in so much pain. Then I go into feelings of how I am going to even live like this every day and nourish and survive? How will I keep pushing forward when my body is aching so much and crying in pain? How do I help my body deal with this pain?
I cried to my friend yesterday telling her I couldn't do this anymore, live this way. It is so debilitating to feel all alone, with no help from anyone, and feeling there is no way out. That is how I am feeling now, so sad, so alone, and so unwanted. Unwanted keeps coming back up for me, I have always had this feeling on and off growing up. It goes back to feeling that way from a birth I was taken too early from, and did not survive. This is why I have deep feelings of being disconnected from others, and unwanted here. Pretty serious stuff, I know, but true.
Yesterday I finally left this room to go see my son at work. After settling in here for two weeks, I now feel as if I have no home, no where to call home. This is what caused a crying breakdown for me yesterday and today. I have none of my furniture around me, not even in my bedroom, and the bed is so bad I think that is why my body is aching worse. I hate it here now, and compare it to the large home I was in with my children for four years, that was home although I did not own it. I realize I complain a lot, or at least I did, I use to complain about that house all the time, and looking back it's like a mansion to where I am staying now, in this cubical room.
Thank the Universe my son did not have plans after work yesterday, and we ran errands together. When I went to see him at work, he said he had errands to run, and I asked to join in. We had a really nice day together. When I look in his eyes I see so much love and connection between the two of us, I love him very much. We always have been close, we use to hang out together all the time, until he ended up in his room playing his games. I wish I did not allow him to do this as often as I did, but I look back at the person I was and am clueless of her. I was so hurt, in so much pain, and didn't even realize it. I was angry pretty often, and yelled at the kids too much. I wish so many things were different about the past, especially my behavior. My children suffered so much due to my decisions and actions, I wish I could take all of that pain away for them. Now at night when I pray, I hold them all in love and light, and help heal them through the light. I know they have so much to get through and I love them dearly and want to help in any way I can.
I woke up today in much more pain, I wonder if it was from the Soba noodles I had, if they have gluten in them or not. I realize when I do eat gluten my body aches even more, unbearable. My daughter called after sliding in the ice early this morning, spinning her car around and hitting a divider! OMG, she is lucky she is okay. She sat in the car a long time, and couldn't even make it home, she had to end up leaving her car on the street, and running to her apartment in socks, because she was in heals! She was of course worked up, but did not break down in tears. I went to her place to see her, and make some butternut squash soup we all love now! The first time I made it, my daughter wasn't crazy about it, and now she loves it! I was so tired of chicken soup, I wanted to make something totally different, found this recipe, and now it's a tradition! I love it, it's so nice to create new memories built on loving, warm and comfortable feelings! We had a nice night together and she was in the mood to talk. It is funny how at times my children are very open and spill their guts about everything, and sometimes they are quiet and closed, wanting me to know nothing. Now I know not to pry, it is better to allow them to open up and talk when they are ready, because they always do!
This love was well needed this weekend from my children, my family, the family I will always want and have open arms for in my life! Thank you all for choosing "us", for choosing us to be your family. And thank you for my family, my brothers, sister in laws, and the rest, for choosing to come into this family as well. I love you all very much and am so glad there are so many of us!
Namaste ~
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