Hello
So, I am here, in a room, in a home in Englewood, NJ. A lovely Mexican woman I met, had a room for me to stay in, so I was thrilled at first to be able to move back "home". I also found a job right away, within days of living here, so I am grateful for that. I start the job today, but am truly so done with being a Nanny. Running somewhere five days a week and taking care of children will be very draining for me, but I feel I have no choice at the moment. That is the best, fastest way I can make money now, and I truly do love children, it's just that my body is suffering so much still.
Being here, has made me realize how I need to get my own place ASAP, so now that is what I am going to manifest, a way to do that! I ask the Universe to send me a home, my own home where I can take all of my things out of my brother's garage, and put them all around me. I want to sit on my couch, and have tea in my cup, and have my family over for dinner on my Dining Room table! I want my life back, and feel I have none. I am not doing anything that makes me happy right now, I went into survival mode, and that is where I have been. Once I settle into this job, and find another, I can find a way to get out of here!
It really isn't that bad, the woman is so loving and kind, and invites me to eat with her all the time, telling me I need to eat, I don't eat enough. It is comforting to be around her, but not the same as having your own home, I doubt anything is as important to me right now, as in having my own home.
I woke up so sad yesterday, crying that I did this to myself. When I ask myself why I would do this to myself? The answer that comes is that I need to know I can do it alone. That I have the power and strength within me to become financially abundant, and it is time. That is why I started focusing on becoming an author, and sharing my books with my children to read. My son thought my first book was great, the book about Heaven, "What is Heaven, Anyway?" That is the only book anyone has read. I am finally telling others that I have written a few children's books, it is time that I "own it". Inown, a word stating that I already have it, I already own it, and I was born deserving of it! Nothing to prove to anyone, just something I love to do on my own, so I am doing it. Finally.
I can't believe I ended up here, but I have to look at this as a step forward. I decided where I want to be, I didn't have to move again into another brother's home where I truly wasn't wanted, I found a place to stay up North within a few days of making this decision. And, then, after being here only three days, I found a job! That made me really happy, how quick it all happened, how fast I manifested it and how synchronicity truly does happen. I was thrilled Monday when Alice called and said I have the job! Now I can make plans to get out of here, and to go to Austin to see my Spiritual Mentor!!
My joy only lasted two days, as I said, I woke up crying yesterday and today. I went to bed early last night, being in so much pain and feeling so low. I spent most of the day yesterday watching Teal on you tube, watching her interviews along with her videos. Her interviews are great because she is so raw, and you really get to know her. I already do, as we are soul sisters, but I know her in a different way. Watching her makes me feel so connected, and lightens my heart up.
This is really tough where I am right now. I have no home of my own, no loved ones around me, not my kids nor my family, and I am back at work I did not want to go back to. I am going to start looking for a place to give card readings at, like a coffee or tea shop, and ask my family to hold parties for me. I need to bring in at least $200 more a week, then I can get out of here. I also thought of making special candles and "Love Potions" (as I am calling them), with my essential oils and positive focus and prayers, and get them out into the world, sell them, and make some serious money doing that.
I always feel there is so much for me to do, so many projects I have, so much writing to do, etc. I feel it will never get done, all of it. Even the places I must call, and get issues resolved, I have no desire to get on this and don't. This is not good, because I put it off forever. I am so sad, I do not know how I got to such a place as this. I question why I did not receive disability because I have so many issues that they definitely pay out for, so it is ridiculous, and I even have an attorney to help and was denied! All because I didn't explain to the therapist I saw that I highly depressed. Sometimes I have a happiness about me, and that day I did, unfortunately. The therapist didn't even talk to me about my pain, and ask how my days are in pain and how I handle that pain. He talked to me about many other things, and when I left I realized it. I had written a letter the same day to the therapist, explaining this, but when my attorney called to make sure I went to the appointment, I was advised to not drop the letter off! But, when I was going to the therapist my attorney gave me no advice at all. I am so upset about this because if I was receiving disability like I should be, I would not be here in this situation now. Illegal aliens can receive anything they want, from food stamps, to health care, to financial help, and I can not get one thing being in the disabled state I am in.
I am so tired, I am so sad today, I am going to go for the day.
Namaste
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