Happy Holidays!
I had a beautiful day with my children yesterday, and my son even came with his friend we all love, and we had dinner together. It was so different, all of us eating at my daughters dining room table and not mine! It only makes me want my own place, and my stuff back sooner, like now.
Today, I had an awesome day as I met my daughters at my brothers home, to bake with my niece and her two boys. Christmas time, baking Christmas cookies is always traditional, and giving them away is too! My daughter planned this, as I am seeing how tradition is very comforting to her now.
We had a great time, the boys made sugar cookies with my daughter, while I made some chocolate chip. They had fun, but do not sit and focus very long, so up and running they went soon after they were done, not wanting to bake anymore. They ate way too many cookies all day, and it was so nice to see them and be with them. My one nephew is a cuddle monkey, and hung out on the couch with my daughter cuddling watching a Christmas movie.
I stayed for dinner, as my daughters had to leave due to other plans. My sister in laws parents came for dinner, and it was really nice to share food with them all. They probably didn't even realize how grateful I was to share a dinner with loved ones, being so alone now. We take so much for granted, until life changes on us drastically.
I wish my life turned out so different, I know that is not a loving thing to tell myself, but it is true. So much happened, so much pain, tears, and memories, I wish they would fade away sometimes, forever. As I keep walking on this journey, I see it is all about us, time to heal our inner child. Each issue we face that we do not like, is a chance for us to go back to that place of pain within our heart, and heal it. It always comes back to inner child work, every single time. Now, hopefully I can automatically go back to that place when I am triggered by someone in my life currently. There are so many triggers around constantly, makes me worry why I need so much work. This sometimes becomes overwhelming and upsetting, knowing there is always so much to work on. Our shadows, our things that anger us in others, our triggers, are all just a mirror of ourselves, a part of us we had to let go of due to the unacceptance we received from it in childhood. I dealt with so much of this inner child work after one of the Workshops I attended, and felt I released and integrated so much. But, now during this move, so much more is coming to the surface, I guess because I shook everything up! That's what it feels like, like my head is spinning because I have too much to focus on. I am trying to find work as a nanny, and also trying to publish my books, this is my first love, so I thought I would focus on this first.
My sister in law is a realtor, and she gave me some good information for when I am ready to rent. It was nice to talk to her, I have know her since I have been 17 years old, and I love the brother she is married to. They have a daughter, my niece who is divorced and has lived with them for five years, along with her two sons. I have been close to my niece since she was small, and have always tried to be there for her when she moved in with my brother, feeling her pain of divorce and single parenting. She is a doll, a blessing on this earth, and we are very close and I love her. She has fallen in love, and I am so happy for her, I think they are planning to get a place next year so she can move out. I can see how this is wearing on my brother and sister in law, it can be very draining on everyone when we invade each others space. And she has two very high energy boys, ages five and seven!
I see now having to crash with someone for awhile, how no one wants you in their space because we all have shadows. None of us is perfect, and we don't want others to see how we truly live. I suppose we judge our lives, and worry about what others think, or having to face for ourselves whats going on in our life. We tend to run around working, running errands, talking about others, and don't want to sit and relax and contemplate our own lives. Self reflection, something I think I have always done. Being a Psychology Major in College was perfect for me, I learned so much so long ago, and so many people still aren't awake to looking at their true selves, afraid of what they will find. But I want everyone to know, whatever we find, it becomes easier to deal with, not harder. We become softer and honest with ourselves, more authentic, and then the Universe really talks to us!!
Being with family warms my heart, make me feel happy, and gives me the strength to purge ahead!
Love you all
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