Waking up Depressed Daily

It sure has been a long time since I wrote.  I wake up so depressed each day due to the space I am in, without a home of my own, and in serious pain in my neck, back, and entire body.  Some days it is such a challenge to get out the door, but once I do, it helps.  It helps to get out of this room, so small I do not even have a dresser, along with the large desk in the corner along with my brothers computer, which he still uses.  Sometimes it's depressing and I wonder what I did so wrong to get here?  It makes me feel as if I am being punished for something I did wrong,  having to suffer in pain as this for most of my life, and struggling financially for the last ten years of my life, on and off, and not having a home of my own any longer.  A home, which I want so much now, a home filled with loved ones in it, with my stuff, and my furniture!  A home I can still have holidays in, Christmas, New Year's, etc.  A home to celebrate life in!
Today I feel so much pain, have so many regrets, and feel I did so much wrong, finding it really hard to accept, release and let go, and surrender.  So this is what I am working on, being aware of the need to accept the past, and asking my Angels, God, Spirit Guides, etc., to help me with this.  I know I can not do this alone, I know this has been hard for me, but I will do it.  I will never give up, not on this, or on having the dream home I want on the water filled with loved ones in it.
I find it very hard to write when I am feeling low, and depressed.  I have been here for five months, and don't know how I will be able to move on.  I do have alternative ways to make an income, and I wrote a few children's books over a year ago, but want to get them illustrated and published now.  I am starting to share them with others, with my family, children and friends.  This is a start to get the ball rolling, to tell the Universe, I am ready for this to happen, show me the way.  Send me people on my path to help me along, to help me accomplish my dream! Send me love and light in healing my body, so I can accomplish my current goals.
Thank you, Amen

Thanksgiving Weekend

It's been pretty intense here since I have been pretty sick for two weeks.  And sick again for Thanksgiving, seems like I am sick every year now, ever since I got violently ill one Thanksgiving Eve after having to be taken to the emergency room after I was vomiting blood from a drink I had in a bar in NYC, a drink that someone spiked.
All week I was feeling very tired, sick, sleepy and exhausted, along with the neck and headache pain.  Thanksgiving came, and I stayed in bed until 3:00, almost not even wanting to get out of bed to have dinner with my son, but I did.  I was having dinner with him because he was working, and couldn't make dinner with my family, so I went to have dinner with him after work.  It was awesome to see him, we hung out and ate for over two hours, and talked about everything.  I am so proud of him for the man he is becoming, he will be 21 years old next week.  We are really close, and can talk about pretty much anything.  He is really kind, caring, and compassionate, and has crazy energy.  All of my three kids do in different ways.  
 I made plans for Thanksgiving weekend because I needed to connect with my friends and family, but when Saturday came and I was suppose to hang out with one of my best friends, I had to cancel because I woke up with the worse neck pain once again, the kind that makes me vomit.  When I wake up this way, I put ice on my neck at about 7:00, and keep it on for a few hours, and then my neck becomes somewhat numb.  This seems to take the edge off to prevent me from vomiting.  No type of pain medicine, nor migraine medicine has ever helped.  
I stayed in Sunday most of the day, but had to run out to get some food.  I finally got to take a bath also, the epsom salt seems to help calm the pain a bit.  It at least relaxes my upper back spasms for sometime.  Staying in this room all weekend and being sick and in pain was definitely a challenge.  I kept myself busy by wrapping the Christmas gifts I got, because staying in bed all day in this room isn't very fun.  Wrapping cheers me up, excited to give others the gifts I bought, and I do love Christmas time.  It's so fun to buy for others, wrap their gifts, and give to them, this always cheers me up.  I remember last year when I was staying at my other brother's home, I did the same and it helped.  It helps to be in a situation as challenging as this, to be able to see Christmas time, the time of giving and loving, and getting involved with buying gifts for others.  
I am still worrying how I am going to be able to ever move and get my own place.  Making money is tough for me due to the pain I am always in, but I am trying to figure out creative ways to become financially abundant!  My goal now is to try to heal my body, as I finally have health care and have started back at going to all those Doctors offices I don't enjoy going to!  But, I need to get help, I am really at a point where I feel so exhausted with this pain, I can not keep living this way!  
I ask my Angels, Guides, God, the Universe, Ascended Masters, and all to help aid in my healing.  To have faith I can be and will be healed, is a good place for me to start!

Regarding my Previous Post on Lightworkers Everywhere

I have been really in tune with the messages being channeled from Archangel Michael, and the Acturians and Paladeins.  Really heavy duty stuff!  This is it, the raw of the raw, what I have been searching for since seventh grade, and exciting it is.  Wow, we really, truly, all chose to come here during such an intense time on earth, to totally create heaven on earth.  Yes, this is true, to come to a place of peace, no more fear or worry, that's the old paradigm, it's a new time now!  One of love, loving ourselves, forgiving ourselves, and sending love and compassion to others, all without judgement.  If you are not at that place yet, I would assure you, you will get there, its already in the cards.  

The corruption on Wall Street, government, the financial system, etc., will all change.  I do not know how, but I do know it will be a new system for the better for sure.  The wars going on now appear due to the loosing of power from the fearful, they are doing every bit to hold on.  But, the lives of the souls that perished, have risen to another dimension, and are helping us along the way, and we will reunite soon.  There are so many beings, Angels, Ascended Masters, etc., watching over us know helping us along the way to eternal love and peace.  

There are so many videos out there now, each with the same message about the earth ascending, and it is now.  We have been hearing about it for years, and now it truly is here.  If this excites you, I would check out some videos that channel these beings, Archangel Michael, the Acturians and the Paladiens.  There is so much comfort in hearing their messages, a comfort we all need to hear now.  A comfort to know it is time for us all to forgive ourselves for the past, and send love and compassion to ourselves, to our own hearts first.  To mend, and heal, and send that love back out, radiating to all we see.   And yes, this is happening, each one of us are changing the world, one person at a time, starting with ourselves.  

Another message they keep sending is telling us to look into the sky, keep looking up to the sky, and we will see them all around, waiting to help us ascend to heaven on earth.  Yes, I know this may sound crazy to some of you, but it's true.  Just watch and see, be open minded, watch the History 2 channel and you will learn so much about the aliens, how every single president alive has been aware of them, and how they are only here to help us! 

Caroline Oceana Ryan ~ A Message to Lightworkers November 14, 2015

Feeling Really Sick with No One Around

Wow, you want to talk sad and depressed! I got really sick three days ago, of course because everyone around me was sick for weeks.  But, when I woke up yesterday with that terrible neck and head pain I get when I vomit, forget it!  I cried all morning, realizing I needed to go to the Emergency Room, to help take the edge off my pain.  That was a nightmare as I couldn't even find anyone to take me there.  I called some of my family, and either they were busy, or didn't answer the phone, and since I couldn't even talk, I couldn't leave a message.  For some reason I didn't want to text them either, figuring they were busy and didn't want to put them out.  I have six brothers, three who are married, and always thought we were all so close, always there for each other, but that changed years ago it seems, when a few of us got divorced.  Some of my brothers don't even care, don't care about their family anymore, never call, and don't get together, only for holidays.  This year I am pretty upset with some of my family members due to behavior I don't like very much, to me personally.  Asking for help and not receiving it from two brothers, the same two who always seem to get on my case basically about nothing.  I had to pull away from my one brother because each time I saw him, he was nasty to me about nothing, giving me shit over anything. I am really close to his wife, who is one that is always there for you, but don't see them much anymore because I won't go to the house due to him being so nasty to me.  And then, when I needed a place to stay, and was told for years to come stay there, I was turned down due to him, because he "likes his privacy"!  What type of family is this when all they do is preach "be there for one another", and when I truly needed someone they weren't there for me.  

So, I called some family members and either couldn't get in touch with them, or they couldn't help me, even my own daughter couldn't help, feeling I didn't need to go.  I think my kids just want to see me strong, and not see me in pain, so I understand that, but it still makes me feel sad.  I finally had to persuade my brother who I live with to take me, he didn't want to at first, I don't even know why.  My sister in law could take me after 8pm, and I realized I couldn't wait that long.  So, he finally took me.  When we arrived he was more compassionate than before, and offered to stay with me awhile.  I told him to leave as I was okay now, just wanting to hide my head down and zone out, away from all the people and the lights.  The emergency room is a sad place to be in when you are in pain, too many people, lights, and no compassion.  Even when I got to my space, they offered me motrin for my pain.  Are you kidding me?  I could take all of that stuff at home, why would I come there for that?  They barely helped me, finally gave me a small dose of morphine, after me suggesting it, and that barely did nothing.  The Doctor told me there was nothing else they could do for me? Imagine that, and sent me home still in so much pain.  

At first, she gave me some steroids for the sickness in my IV and that made me really wrestles, and I had no idea what was going on, I thought it was because I couldn't deal with the pain any longer, which is why I went there.  No, she told me it was from the steroids, and then gave me benadryl, to relax me.  All drugs, drugs that don't even work.  After that, was when she offered me motrin and I was so upset that it took that long for her to decide to treat my pain, and offer me worthless medicine that doesn't touch my pain.  Come on, I am in an emergency room, you would think they would be more creative than this.  This hospital was in New Brunswick, and I have to say, the hospital I go to in Hackensack is way ahead of the game with this.  Whatever they gave me took a lot of the pain away, but I am no longer living in that area.  

No one knows the pain I feel daily, in my body, and emotionally.  I have been suffering pretty badly with nerve pain in my neck and body since College, starting with that bad accident I had in High School Gymnastics to me neck.  I jumped off the highbar to land on my feet, but landed on may face instead.  Emotionally I have struggled with my marriage that was filled with criticism, ending in divorce, and worse loosing custody of my children due to the power his brother had in the Court system.  Struggling financially as a single mom for twelve years, not ever working being married, and being in the pain I was in made it very difficult.  And I was all alone, not ever getting help from anyone in my family, no one even calling to see if I needed help with anything!  Imagine a single mom, with three kids, with a family she thought she was close to, not even coming to visit to help, or even be around me and my children, just for love.  Just to be loved and feel loved and feel connected by some family.  And now I wonder why I have felt so unsupported as I have moved so many times in the past year, barely supported by my family.  So now it is truth, time to realize the truth of my family, how they are to me now, not caring, not being there.  Not all of them though, but most of them.  There are only a few I can count on, but they even have their lives to live, can't be bothered all the time.  My family has changed so much since a few of us divorced years ago, and I see that now, having to accept it.  

So, to be in so much pain, and so sick, and living in a space I am not happy in, only having a twin bed to sleep on, no table to eat on, no desk to do my work on, not even a dresser to put my clothes in, is very challenging, and very sad to me.  I look at my life now and wonder what even the reason to live is.  I have struggled my entire life, being abused in my home growing up, being abused by my husband, and now being alone with nothing, no children with me or no home of my own, is almost too much for me to bear.  Along with the pain I am in daily, and have been in for over thirty years, is making it unbearable.  

So, what is the answer, what is the way out?  Today I don't even know.  I only know how tired I am of this life, of being in so much pain daily, and of always feeling so alone.  Even after my divorce, I felt so alone without my husband, it was heartbreaking too.  There have been so many times I had wished we stayed together, because our love was deep and true.  Things got out of hand, and I now realize how it was all so internal, and we were just lashing out on each other, instead of seeing the light and love within.  Instead of "remembering" the love we had, what we loved and appreciated in each other.  That was all gone and my ex daily just insulted and criticized me, which I started to do back.  And he had no control over his anger, and yelled at me in front of the children constantly.  

But, now I am here, not even knowing how I will get out.  Being sick and in pain daily makes it harder to have faith in life.  To have faith to know it will get better is hard when it hasn't in over ten years.  I haven't truly been happy in a really long time, and it's draining me totally.  Draining me so much, wanting to leave this place to a new life, wondering when it will ever happen for me.

I Can Finally See the Light

Finally seeing the light!  So much has happened in the past week, a nice shift for me.  Although each morning I wake up sad and depressed with the situation I put myself in, my faith has returned in being able to accomplish what I came here for, to help and serve others.  All this I want to help and give and have no place to do it.  I do now.  I have gotten in touch with a Yoga Studio to do some Children's Yoga there.  She wants me to teach a portion of the Children's Yoga to her students she is teaching for certification.  The children's ages will be from 7-11, although the children I taught were 3-5 year olds, but that's okay, I'll work it out.  I just like to be totally prepared so am working on putting a class together now.  I also realized this will give me the opportunity to read my children's book, "Bright Light Meditation", at the end of the class while they are in savasana.  This is great because it opens the door up to my book, and tells the Universe yes!  Yes, my book is worthy, yes my book will get published and I will get it out there to the children.  The owner also said she has a friend in town who owns a Dance Studio and was looking for a Yoga Instructor as well.  Awesome!  I also mentioned to her about maybe teaching a Mommy and Me Yoga Class and she said she has members who have expressed interest.  Now this has motivated me to reach out to the other Yoga Studios around and see if I can teach there as well.

Finally a way to touch more than a few kids at a time, and help me to not have to nanny any longer.  
Yes, I do love the kids, but being a nanny has become draining for me, there is much dysfunction out there, and I am pulled into it every time.  Not only do you have to care for the children and their issues, you have to deal with the parents and their issues as well!! How they raise their children, feed them, etc.

Things are very different here in this area of the woods, and there aren't many Yoga Studios.  Great place to open one up as well, since there aren't many here. But, I don't want to get settled in this area at all, it's not home anymore, and I can't wait to move back up North!  There isn't anything for me here either, and I don't have any friends here, nor do I up North either, but my children are there.

I also have a new space to do some Reiki out of, as soon as clients come!  I went to a Massage Center a few weeks ago to ask if I could use their space anytime, and she said sure!  She was so nice, and gave me Monday mornings.  Now I need to advertise, and get out at local places to offer my Healing Services to all.  I also want to advertise in a local Spiritual Magazine as well.

I need to create some classes for the Children's Yoga, research Mommy and Me classes as well.  I also am creating a website "You Are Truly The Light", and get that going as well.  I love writing, and knowledge, and research, and want to share what I have learned to anyone who wants to listen!  And I have life experience in many areas to share as well including Divorce, Single Parenting, Self Love, and Spirituality.  I love getting on the computer, seeing what's going on, and sharing the knowledge I learn, all about helping to empower us here on earth now, and to learn to love ourselves.

The world is going through major changes now, and we are all a part of that change.  I want to help others understand what is going on as well, and help uplift all along the way.  It is time to face our shadows, our pain and sadness, in order for it to resolve in our hearts, soften, integrate and turn to love.  To change that darkness into light.  It is something we all can do if we choose, if we understand and are ready.

As I meditate, so many things come to me, things I need to accomplish and give to the world.  I also need a healthy, strong body to do this, and am praying for this daily now.  I have started to Yoga daily, and do some Energy Medicine work as well, along with my essential oils.  I am hoping all of this will aid in my healing, so I can really become strong, and create the life and future I want, one of bliss, love and joy!  Never settling, never giving up and accepting a life without passion and love in it, passion and love for the things I want to do, and passion and love with the people around me!
I am blessed, I am grateful, and you are blessed, and loved!!
Namaste
 

Wanting a New Life

Challenging for sure.  That's what this is again, challenging. There are times I get freaky here, have to leave and get out.  Now!  How can I be creative in a place that I don't love?  A place filled with challenges every morning I awake.  I awake sad and depressed every single day.  How can I not with the life I am living now?  No home of my own, not doing the work I love and want to do.

I reached out to look up North again for a place and a new job.  I got a few phone calls regarding work, and someone reached out to me about a room in the town I truly want to be in.  But, I couldn't take the next step with the work, just thinking of starting with a new family is draining, even though the family I work for now is as well.  The father argues with me all the time, I can't wait to get out.  But, now, I may have this new opportunity and I am hesitant, it seems so draining to pick up and move again!  I am so confused, confused of moving now or not.  If I don't move now, then when?  I truly don't want to move in the winter, and it is already October.  I want to be settled somewhere through the cold, snowy winter, and in a space I feel safe and warm.  I want to move now, I am so sad here every day.  But, how much happier will I be moving into a new place with someone I don't even know, hopefully a new friend.  Working another nanny job, with a new family to have to get use to, and deal with again.  

And, I will have to give my family a two week notice, which I am not looking forward to doing at all.  I always feel so badly doing things such as this.  Although many other people don't care, and I have been blown off by many people for things, I don't feel comfortable doing this, it stresses me out!  But, is that a reason to stay either?  Just because I am stressed about leaving them?  And, if I want to get back up North, why not do it now then?  Wait for what?  More finances, yes, for sure, but I don't make much here to be able to save anyway, working up North would bring me more money coming in because I would be working more hours at a job.  

This is where I wish I knew, knew what my heart was saying.  So many times I feel I do know, go with that, and then feel it was the wrong decision.  I am sure we all do this, but I want to be in a place where I always know what my Guides are telling me, and my heart, and know the Universe will bring me down the path of my highest good.  All for my highest good.  

For now, I am worried and stressed, not knowing what to do, as waking up here daily makes me cry anyway, so what's the difference?  What's the difference where I am if I will be unhappy either way.  Bergen County is home to me, not Central Jersey any longer.  There is nothing here for me, and I would never settle here anyway.  If I want to create a business in any way, I need to live in the area where I will do this.  Traveling is getting to me, I am so tired of driving back and forth weekly, it's so draining, stressful, so much traffic, with angry souls behind the wheel!!
I pray today for assistance in figuring this all out.  I ask my Spirit Guides, the Archangels, Ascended Masters and all, to help guide me in the direction of my highest good.  Help guide me down the better path for now, as I am so confused.  Thank you, Amen!

A Huge Shift in Energy

Don't even know where to start.  Along with waking up so depressed that when I open my eyes, I close them quickly to see if the scene changes to where I am, with all this clutter around me.  A challenge for sure.  I awake to ugly, huge bar lights that say Michelob and such, along with souvenirs of the Yankees, etc., and pictures of them on the wall!  All of that clutter is hard for me to be around, it's not good energy for me, it just seems to bother me.  Just like when I slept at my sister in laws home with the two deer head over me, and prevents me from sleeping the entire night!  This is all being sensitive to energy, which I had no idea of a year ago.  This energy thing is new for me, us being energy, how energy affects us, low vibrations, high vibrations, etc.  That is why I would feel depleted after coming home from the mall, my energy being zapped from me.  Now I do focus on some white light around me, or gold, or a purple flame in my heart beating out.  Any of these do help me when I am with large crowds.  Even when I attend spiritual events, I would wake up in so much more pain, from the energy around.  And now I have just learned to sweep the energy off me when I attend events like this.  Such a great tool to know that no one suggested to do when I would explain the pain I was in from such an event.  Now I know, and will use it every time.  

This weekend was awesome for me, I was a healer at one of my first mind, body, soul expos.  I have read Oracle Cards at a few events, but haven't put my energy work out there yet.  So, I did Sunday.  With much preparing, running all the way to Long Beach Island to borrow a massage table from a friend, and coming up with flyers, etc., it was all worth it.  Although the entire fair was really quiet and many of us did not even have one client, it was still a wonderful day connecting with other healers who I fell in love with.  Didn't I think that the other healers would be so compassionate and filled with love, doing the work they are doing?  No, completely forgot about that!  So, I met a few other women I will stay connected to, and may even do some work together with one of them to help heal the children in low income areas, something I have been wanting to do for awhile.  

Along with meeting beautiful, awakened souls, comes much wisdom that I got to take home.  Like being soft on myself, trusting in Source, knowing it will all be fine.  Remembering to let go and surrender, for that is when I can allow new to flow, by releasing the old.  What a concept I never even thought about in that way, and it makes so much sense to me.  

My new friend also came all the way from Long Branch, just to see me, he told me.  Wow, pretty nice to drive that far just to come talk to me on a Sunday.  So, as I was sitting in the hall, he appeared.  He told me that Spirit chose me for him to help guide, if I was interested.  Hell, yah! Are you kidding?  Are you telling me Source has sent someone to help guide me here, but someone who is physically near me, not just a support on the internet.  He is a healer, and has worked with John Of God, who is an exceptional healer, and very well known.  He kept saying that I had no idea how much my life was going to change, if I choose to, because we all have free will.  Well, if you know me, you know this has been all I have focused on for the last few years, my Spiritual growth, so I will welcome him with open arms.  He will be able to teach me many things, and I am surely excited about this!  I met him at a new place I found to go to for sound healing, listening to the Crystal Bowls, and the Gongs. The second time I was there, he came up to me to say hello, and then told me Spirit picked me out of everyone for him to connect to.  And connect he did!  We spoke only briefly the first time, but had no idea what he was all about, until he showed up at the event on Sunday to talk to me.  

Last night I saw him again, at the Crystal Bowl Healing, and we spoke more about what was ahead for me, how my life is going to change tremendously, if I allow it.  He told me I was a healer, and this was new for me.  Being a psychology major, always wanting to become a Child Therapist, I always leaned more to therapy work, and that is why I decided to do Spiritual Life Coaching work.  I did take the Reiki Certification a few years ago, but didn't know if I was "good" at it or not, and never getting it out there to experience on others and to create financial abundance.  But, this has been one of my goals the entire year, to get out of the nanny work I do, which is so draining for me now, and turn my life into one of helping others grow and heal spiritually. If I am meant to help heal others through Energy Healing, I am thrilled, as this will be an exciting new venture for me.  After going to a Reiki Healer last year, and experiencing her talking to someone else the entire time for two hours, made me realize that I do have an opportunity in this field.  Rule number one in healing is intention, love, thoughts and focus.  It is important to set an intention to help heal that person, and put your total focus on healing them, sending them love, etc.  This woman talked about life stuff, and even issues she was having with the person who took me there.  I was very surprised at this during my session, and really wanted to explain how distracting this was for me, as I was trying to focus on the white light to help facilitate a healing within me, but at the time did not have enough boundaries set and allowed it.  Now I know better, always speak your truth, especially when you are paying someone to help you.  She spent two hours on me with her pendulum over me, and kept saying how my Chakras were still blocked.  When I awoke the next day I realized, if she could do this for a living, and have her own office space, then so can I.  I wouldn't talk at all, I would focus love and light on that person the entire time.  

See, always those feelings of not being worthy, not good enough.  I always felt to do spiritual work you had to be perfect, and what I have seen the past year with my mentors, is none of them are perfect, they still have issues, pain, they contradict themselves at times, but they are still out there shining the light to help empower others anyway.  This has helped me realize I do not have to wait any longer to help others in this way, although I still have challenges, I can still help others shine their light.  This is a tremendous awakening for me, so now, I am on my way to a new life.

My Session with Pamela Aaralyn

So many changes going on as usual.  I had a Skype session with Pamela Aaralyn the other night, and I feel a shift in my thinking already.  She is a new Spiritual Teacher I found through my Soul Family on Facebook.  She is simply amazing.  

As the session started, I asked her where should I start?  And she asked me back, where do you want to start?  I broke down in tears, explained my divorce, the loss of my children, my children moving out, and moving all around the past year.  

Despair, futility, these were the emotions she explained to me that I was feeling.  Then she taught me a process to go through in changing this "core belief".  This is a big word in the Spiritual community, and switching this belief to feelings I want to feel.  Hope, peace and love, are the feelings that came to me when I asked what the opposite of despair is to me.  She explained that once I change this core belief within, I will shift my vibration, and everything will change for me.  Wow, if it would be that easy.  I told her how many times I have worked on healing my inner child last year, over 100 times.  But, she asked me if I asked my inner child what she wanted to feel instead?  After thinking about it, I told her no, I was never taught that.  The process I was taught was to hold and comfort the child, and do what feels right which was taking her away on a magic carpet to a loving, beautiful, peaceful place.  But, I never did ask her how she would rather "feel".  Ah, now I know, and sure, I can do this.  I have no problem doing the work, sometimes I think I do it too much.  

I cried very much through the session, but we got through many things.  She answered questions about my pain, being from all the emotions I have.  She explained that I should reach out to others when I need to, not always acting so strong all the time.  I explained that at times it's hard to be honest, as it seems like no one knows what to say or do, or almost doesn't even want to know, not knowing how to handle it.  At times, I do not even know how to handle "it", meaning my life, and yes, it's difficult.  I want it to all end, to all go away, and I want to wake up to a place of love and comfort.  A place I feel loved and comforted and safe all the time!  
She gave me many tools to start working on, back to work again.  It seems I am always working on myself, how to heal, how to feel better, crying over the pain of loss and loneliness I feel, it's so very draining.  And, going through it all alone doesn't help, without loved ones around, aiding in my comfort.  It is time I feel loved, loved by myself for all the mistakes I have made, and hugged and comforted by others.  
Once I settle down, I will work on a process to surrender my emotions, and another process to integrate the feelings of despair that I feel.

Waking up Freaking Out Again!

So many feelings have been going through me, so much crying and Spiritual work I have been doing, I haven't even written.  Catching up, I go through bouts of tears, sadness, feeling so sad and lonely again.  I was so bad yesterday waking up I cried my eyes out to my sister in law in the morning.  With feelings of struggling my entire life, why has it been so hard, so difficult, so emotional, and with all the Spiritual work I have been doing, why?  
I feel everything has always been taken away from me, my children, my family, my home.  I have had to resort to being a nanny again and with that has come much dysfunction in the families I have seen!  It is pretty upsetting to me to have to go back to this work again, as I get so drained from the children and families I see.  

I am trying to get out of this type of work, wanting to help heal others with the energy work I have learned, and guiding them along their path with doing Angel/Oracle Card Readings as well.  But, I have been too focused on bringing in finances immediately, and felt that was through being a nanny once again.  

I want to know why, why I have literally been crying for twelve years, on and off, regarding my divorce, the loss of my children through my divorce, and feeling so alone now with my children moving out.  I truly don't know how to get through the days anymore, the feelings are so intense, so overwhelming, leaving me feeling hopeless.  I have done way too much inner child work, always going back to where these feelings have come from, and still feel the same.  So, for me, right now, I feel that hasn't benefited me at all, just leaves me sadder, along with a severe migraine from crying.  

I have an appointment I have to go to, so I will have to get it together and get out of here.  I think a salt water bath is due, haven't had one in a long time because it is summer and I barely take baths now in the heat.  But, today, I think it will be a great idea to help cleanse me of this sadness and pain I am feeling.  

I hope anyone who gets this low, has someone near them to comfort them, listen to them and most of all hug them.  I pretty much have no one in my life right now that can give me a hug.  The family I have is pretty busy, and the ones I see do not hug you when you are sad.  My Soul Family is so big on hugs, that is what we do all weekend when we see one another, is give hugs! Great big comforting hugs, and I will tell you how much it helps.  It makes me feel cared for, loved, and comforts my heart.

My Lessons in Setting Boundaries

Wow, so much has been happening so fast.  I will catch you up.
I now have a new person to live with, a new, amazing friend that found me!  I kept asking the Universe for like minded souls to live with, like an intentional community, and she appeared.  Thank you Universe.
I moved into my brothers home only a few days ago, and woke up sad and confused.  It makes you feel so unsafe not knowing where you are, a new place, getting settled in and readjusted.  I was there only two nights when I headed up North to work for two days, and decided to sleep at my bosses house instead of asking my daughters.  They had said I could stay anytime, so I thought it would be fine.  I also thought maybe I would stay there four days a week, during the week when I would be working, and then here at my brothers on the weekend.  
Well, I didn't see them much the night I came in, I got in late, said hello and went to bed.  When I woke up the father wanted to talk to me about the plans for watching his daughter that night.  When I went to explain something to him unrelated to his daughter, he snapped at me and told me he was "busy working", and didn't have time to talk.  No, he didn't have time to talk and connect to another human being in his face, he was "too busy working".  I love this world we live in, where some people aren't aware that this is the reason we are here.  To bond, to connect, to listen, to hear, to get the lessons from others we are meant to get.  His reaction really upset me, knowing I did nothing to deserve this treatment first thing in the morning at his home, because what? He was pissed about something?  Darn if I know.  Then, when I got back to his place to watch his daughter and he was still home, he went into his car and took out some heavy bird food for the birds, and threw it in front of the front steps, expecting me to bring it in the house.  What type of gentleman is that?  The men in my life carry it in the house for me, one, because I am a woman, and two, because I am his nanny!  Wow, this all just truly blew me away.  I was so mad, and angry, and upset that I had already committed to sleep in his home after putting his daughter to bed.  I knew they were coming home after 12:00, and had to sleep there, but wanted to leave and run!  

There goes my decision to spend a few nights there, after he said sure, bring your stuff, stay as long as you like.  Wow, how fast things are shifting for me, not only day to day, but hour to hour.  I am seeing things very differently now after talking to one of my soul sisters.
During the day I spoke to a woman regarding a nanny position watching her two children.  She went on and on about her kids, all the things they do and how they have no down time, how she wanted laundry done, etc, and when I asked the pay rate for all of this, she didn't even want to pay $15 an hour.  By the end of the conversation she was giving me anxiety, my heart was starting to pound, and I didn't like the way I was feeling, her energy was really stressing me out, and making me ill.  I didn't understand why my body was so affected by her, but when she told me the pay rate, I immediately go off the phone, telling her the pay was too low for me, and basically hung the phone up.  She was so shocked, she said, okay in a strange way, and I got off the phone.

Since I was so confused over this, and couldn't understand what was going on with me, others, and my energy being affected I had to call someone to help me out.  So, I called one of my soul sisters who I knew would know what was going on.  She told me these people were all in my face to help me set boundaries, boundaries within myself.  To care for myself, protect myself, and not allow others to treat me the way they are.  Wow, this was so awesome for me to hear, and easier to do I thought, instead going back to inner child work, or I attracted it because it is a mirror for me and that is the way I am treating others.  Wow, I had all of that so wrong, sometimes these people are there to teach us to put ourselves first, to love ourselves first, and to do what makes us feel good at the moment, not anyone one else.  I have realized I have pushed myself aside for a long time, always putting others needs and wants ahead of my own.  The only thing you are telling yourself in this situation is that you are not good enough, not good enough to put first, to care about your feelings first.  Wow, such enlightenment for me.  And it is so true, boundaries has been a new learning experience for me and my children, we have all been working on this for the past year, always putting others needs ahead of our own.  

So, I had a few free hours during the day and decided to go to the park and sit under the huge Mother Willow tree I love in the park.  This always calms my spirit and relaxes me, when I left I felt much better, more centered, calm and peaceful.  

Waking up Down the Shore

Wow, what a glorious day it is here, down the shore.  I had the opportunity to spend the night with my girlfriend who lives down the shore, on the lagoon.  Because I have moved so many times in the past year, I realize how important our space if for us to be happy, content and motivated.  Waking up here, I feel I could accomplish anything I wanted to!  How could you not?  Waking up to sunshine, a home filled with windows and light, on the water, is such an amazing breath of fresh air!  I woke at 6:30, ready to get out of bed, and when I stepped outside, I felt instant relief.  Relief from life, from all the stresses I am going through, feeling so at peace and content.  Too bad it will be short lived, as I am leaving soon.

So many of us don't even realize what we have in our face, and always seem to focus on the problems in life and what we don't have.  What about waking up and feeling grateful each day for what we do have?  Starting each day with gratitude, gratitude for even our body, our mind, our thoughts, and our environment, and the people around us.  So many run from here to there, from work to wherever, never stopping to smell the roses and thanking God and the Universe for what we do have.  

As I am growing I see things and people so differently, and I am realize how most people I see and know live in fear and worry, focus on that, and are running around crazy, trying to keep up with their life.  They stress about everything, and focus on the things that "make them feel bad", and don't even realize why their life is the way it is.  I have been put in many situations lately with that energy, the negativity, the people that focus on the bad and complain about everything, and I know I use to be one of them.  

But, no longer, I have seen the light, I have made a conscious choice to focus on the good, to focus on what makes me feel good, and not bad.  If I asked people how would you like to feel all day?  Happy or sad?  I am sure their answer would be happy, but they don't realize they can not be happy when all they see is the negative, focus on it, and talk about it each and every day.  And they do not realize happiness is a choice.  A choice to appreciate life, to enjoy the moment and the people right in front of you.  A choice to live life as we want.  
I want to tell all of you this can be changed, it is a choice what we decide to focus on, yes it may become a habit, but it is still a choice.  It's like choosing love or hate?  Do I want to choose loving this person, understanding them, or just bitch and complain about them?  Do I want to focus on being grateful each and every day for anything I can?  I know this is possible, because I have made the change, the change to focus on things that make me "feel good", not things that make me "feel bad".  It is about being aware, conscious, realizing we have the power to change our life, to change our thoughts, totally.  If we just leave it to be, are not happy with ourselves, and just constantly complain about it all, how can we ever change?  How can we get out of that negative spiral?  We have free will, we can change, we can do anything we want to, but so many of us do not.

I am so glad that I have grown and come to a place of gratitude, I see others around me that have so much to be grateful for and are not.  They still are unhappy, still focusing on fear and worry.  I know I can not change them, all I can do is share what I am learning about changing my attitude, and on how the Universe does work.  We get what we put out, we attract what we feel, it's as simple as that.  Maybe when people want to see my shift, it will encourage them to do the same!

Day Two at my Brothers

Waking up in so much pain today, and not so good emotionally either.  Went to the beach yesterday, after trying to settle in a bit, I needed to take off and get away.  The day at the beach usually helps me to forget about everything and feel better.  When I got home last night I was exhausted though, and now worrying about where to live.

I am so sad today, sad about living like this again, going through another move again and again.  So sad, that I go back to old memories of what could have been, should have been, which would have prevented me from being here, in such a mess.  Who moves seven times within one year?  Stability? Safety? Security?  How could I have all of this, when I don't even know where I am waking up each day?  I wake up today with my body aching, my entire back, my neck, my head, and yes I am tired, tired of doing this and living this way.  I question how much longer I can do this, and now I will have to go back to being a nanny for at least another year.  I truly wanted to move past that role, but for now need to if I want to live in a new home with new friends, which I do.  

So confusing it all is, so many choices I need to make now, like quickly because I have been applying to nanny jobs and will have to commit to them or not.  My old boss wants to talk to me as well, I am assuming it would be for working for them, which would be fine with me.  It was nice I had a few weeks to identify myself as a writer, an author, and not more a nanny.  But, now I have a new home, with a new family, hopefully, and that is more important.  And I want to be near my children, as I just moved into my brothers home two days ago.

I had so  much in front of me, so much to be grateful for and appreciate, and I couldn't do that.  I fought, I yelled, I screamed, all in resistance to myself I suppose, to the pain that was within me.  I wish we focused on love, on the love we had when we fell in love and married, and not focused on hurting each other through our words.  Why didn't we feel love, feel the love that was always there inside our heart?  Was the pain that bad in our hearts that we had to hide it and attack?  Oh boy, so much to deal with, to get through, to ask why, but to ultimately forgive yourself and live in peace, love and happiness.
I can't wait to be happy, to be content, to feel safe, secure, wonderful, loved.  Loved by another that I can share my life with, I am ready to fall in love and spend the rest of my life time here with them. I would love my past memories to stop haunting me, to stop coming into my head out of nowhere, each day, all the time.  Yes, I focus on the positive, on what feels good, on what I want, on living where I want to, and becoming an author, and falling in love, but those memories still come.

I am going to have to shower now, and run back up North to work for two days.  The new part time nanny job I have for two days a week, and I get to watch the girl I just recently was a nanny for.  I am excited to spend time with her, I missed them being away and no longer caring for them.  I feel so confused again, as soon as I was settled where I was, in the trees on the deck! With awesome, great energy.  How do we expect to keep getting up, when we are so tired and feeling so low.  I want a loving, easy life, with someone around around to help care for me! 
I need all the love and support that I can get today, I ask my guides, my angels, the Masters, etc. to be with me, watch over me, and walk with me today.  Thank you, and help to heal my body! Surrounding it with white light.

Settling in at my Brothers Home

So crazy life is, has been, and is becoming.
So much going on, and this energy all around is so fast and intense that I have to consciously focus on grounding myself each day, needing to sit next to a huge tree!
I have moved to my brother's home temporarily, and now after being here almost two weeks I finally feel settled enough to start working on my book again.  When I signed a contract with Balboa Press at the end of July, I was able to transfer 90 pages onto word perfect, and started editing my book!  Being in the trees where I was staying temporarily truly helped my energy to focus on achieving and prospering.  


But, moving totally throws you off balance, like your spinning around forever and can not stop, until you settle in, how ever much time that takes.  On my sad days I feel how unfair it is for me to be living this way and going through it, but on my good days I know the Universe is just trying to push me ahead, shake me up, to finally follow my life purpose, which is writing.  So, I finally have gotten it, and finally have pushed ahead to do something about it.  I figured after loosing the job I had lined up, and loosing the place I was going to live, maybe the Universe was telling me something.  I started to think out of the box, and see what other options I had.  I asked the Universe for a sign as to what to do next, and I received a call from Balboa Press at that same moment, and answered that call with a huge grin on my face, understanding the message immediately.  So, this week I am going to concentrate on editing my book again, as I haven't looked at it in two weeks.  When I start I get very involved, barely stopping to eat, or stretch, but then my body ends up aching so much.  This time I hope to take the time to stop, rest, do some yoga, eat, and recharge.  

Today is Saturday, and I had the opportunity to hang out with my two great nephews, and my niece and brother, at their pool today.  I had an awesome time, being with my family always warms my heart.  I definitely have a strong need to stay connected to them, and know that my core imprint is disconnection.  So, that would mean my life purpose would be to connect, to connect to others, and family is great.  My nephews are adorable, one being born on my Father's birthday and feel he is an essence of him.  I have six brothers, and this is one of my oldest brothers who I remember always being there for my mom and for me.  He use to take me with him when he went to cut a woman's lawn in the summer, and I remember loving all the flowers around the woman's home.  

After getting home I felt really exhausted, and this time realizing I have felt this way all summer, very drained and exhausted from the heat.  The day I went to the beach with my nieces I felt drained and exhausted at her home afterwards.  Maybe it is my low thyroid that I do not take medication for, but do help with supplements.  I am going to look into getting some health care this week, and then get to the Doctor to have my blood drawn.  

I have noticed me changing a great deal, my thoughts, my perceptions, how much more in tune I am with people's energies, etc.  This is a cool thing for me, finally feeling that all the work I have been doing on myself the past year, is paying off.  So much pain and sadness, this was the worse winter of my life!  And, I am not kidding, I was so depressed I don't even know how I kept pushing myself ahead each day.  A time I don't ever want to remember, such sadness and pain I have gone through since last November when my children moved out.  I suppose lots of growth and expansion as well, but I haven't seen enough of the fruits from that yet.  I will be happy when I have my own place to call home, with loved ones in it, and being financially abundant!  And of course helping others in a big way, in whatever way I am here to serve.

Breaking down in tears today

Woke up feeling so sad today I didn't want to get out of bed, so I listened to some meditations before getting out.  I woke up feeling so low, drained, and exhausted, and so sad, wondering how I got to this place.  Asking the Universe why am I hear?  This is not what I want for myself now at all, I am too old for this, too old to keep moving around and not having a safe, comfy, warm loving home.  I have lived in seven different places within nine months, and it has been draining and a challenge.

I can see I am being shaken up, feeling like I was put in a can and literally shaken up, by the Universe, to get me to wake up, and purge ahead, to a place of my highest good.  But, going through this that does not make it any easier, it feels as if my strength, courage, and perseverance is being tested.  

I have moved into my brothers home, only about a week ago, due to the job and place I had to stay falling through.  I am grateful to have a place to lay my head at night, somewhere safe for now at least.  But, I feel I have gone backwards in life, after having a family, a home, financial stability, to being alone, without a home, having to move in with my brother because my finances have been depleted, and I am currently looking for work.

I cried this morning, crying about how I am going to get through this, and feeling all alone here.  Waking up alone, without your family around, and getting out of bed, has been the hardest thing for me to do this past year since my children have moved out.  Always questioning what am I hear for, what is the sense of all of this, why do I have to suffer so?  Some days, like today, I break down and cry upon wakening, feeling I can not bear this one more day.  

I cry for awhile, releasing how I am feeling, and decide to go outside and greet the day of sunshine.  I am feeling better seeing the sun.  The sun is a cure for all things for me, the intense sun, knowing now how this special energy is beaming from down upon us these past weeks, along with the Lion's gate flooded with loving energy coming through during this time.  I sit out for awhile and let the sun charge me, and I pray and meditate on the light healing me, and all of my loved ones as well.  I do this daily, many times a day in the summer, when I feel that sun beaming upon me, saying hello to me.  

I am trying to find work that is more aligned with my life purpose, and wanting to get away from being a nanny.  I know I have so much more to give, and have so many more lives to touch.  I hope and pray God and the Universe send me the right contacts in my work, to provide the financial abundance I am looking for now.  

My goal is to only stay here a few months, save some money, and move back up North where my children are.  And maybe even have the opportunity to live with one of my daughters again, as she is moving out of her place in November, and may want her own place again.  If we did live together it would be very different this time, I wouldn't take the role of being a Mom, I would have to take a back seat to her ways of living, as she is all grown up now and has lived on her own. Everything would be fine if I had the funds, it always seems to be that, the money.  I have had lots, and have been very irresponsible with it, and have been down to barely nothing, living week to week.

I need to make money now, as new bills will be do in September.  I am staying in a space of love and abundance, knowing the Universe will support me in this endeavor.  I have been able to stay away from that fear and worry mode, and am so grateful to have finally broken free of that.  

Keeping involved with my spiritual community has helped with with that immensely, learning how Source really is within us all and we truly do have the power to change anything we want, the power to receive whatever we want, to live in a space of joy, love and peace!  That is my goal, to finally be happy, no more suffering of feeling so disconnected and alone, and my dream coming true of having a wonderful home on the water filled with all the loving people I can find! 

Leaving this Space, to a New Space Again

So, once again here I go leaving another space.  Notice I call it "space" and not a home, because a home it is not.  A home is where you have your things, your stuff, your memories, and hopefully it is filled with loved ones.  I cleaned all day and bought some sunflowers for the kitchen.  My car is packed with the last of my things, and the last of my plants.  I am so thankful I have them, as they are a living things which are a part of me now, the only living things that come with me everywhere.  No more dogs, no more cats, not even loved ones around to talk to, laugh with, and enjoy.  

They got in about 10 pm, and it was so great to see them.  The house was lonely without them and the dogs around, for sure.  I got hugs from the kids, and from the Mom, as I missed them.  What wonderful, amazing, people to open their door to me when I needed a place to stay, when some brothers would not.  The kids were hungry, and somehow I ended up making pasta for them, and cleaned up after cooking.  I went to bed around 11:00, feeling uncomfortable.  I can't really explain it, but I don't feel relaxed much in another person's space.  I mean sleeping there, living with them, etc., not being in my own space.  I feel I can never really relax.  
They said they wanted to talk, and thanked me so much for staying in their home, and I felt I did nothing, they were the ones that were helping me out!  So, we planned on talking later on that day.  They were going out for the day, and wondering if I was going to be around later.  I did explain to them that my car was packed and I planned on going to my brothers home to stay tonight.  They said they would be home around 4:00, and by 5:00 they weren't home, and I was getting ansy as I wanted to just rest and get settled in again.  I changed my plans for them as I was going to head out sometime in the early afternoon, but when they said they wanted to talk I told them I would be around.  I decided to text them and ask if they would be home soon as I planed on heading out soon, and no one got back to me, so around 5:30 I left to head to my new place to stay, at my oldest brothers house.
Getting in wasn't so bad, I was so tired, I just laid on the bed, rested, prayed, and meditated, and went to sleep early.  

An Awesome Dinner with my two Children

   

Waking up so out of it and tired the last week, probably from the heat.  It's getting hot, and there is no air conditioning here, and it does get draining.  I have my two children here last night, to get together for dinner and hang out, since I will no longer be in this space. I don't enjoy food shopping anymore, and seems to waste so much time.  It took all day to food shop, and prepare dinner for them, and it was so hot here they barely wanted to stay.  I was so in the moment, happy they were coming for dinner and I could cook a loving meal for them, that I forgot about the heat, and how bad it was.  I even had to put the oven on, which wasn't smart at all, but wanted to make them baked macaroni and cheese that they love.  My daughter brought her dog, and I always love to see him, he is so cute, everyone loves him.  And my son's friend came as well, who is like family to us.  My oldest daughter couldn't make it, as she was with the family she use to work for, and of course she was missed.  I made too much food, we barely ate any of it, but my daughter took most of the left overs to her boyfriend, who couldn't make it because he was working.  She said he is very busy now, it is summer and many people want their dogs trained while they go away on vacation.  Makes sense to me.  He is a dog trainer, but more like dog psychology, like Cesar Milan, who he has trained with and works for when he holds his workshops around the United States.  My daughter found the perfect guy for her, they are both dog lovers, and animal lovers.  She became a dog trainer two years ago, and met her boyfriend last year.  I am so happy for her to see her in love, talking about getting married and having children.  She use to tell me all the time that she wanted to get married and have kids, and I would tell her at least she has her little sister, who is now only two years old.  I am happy my daughters want to be Moms, stay at home Moms, I don't know why, but it touches me so.  Because no one can come close to taking place of the child's Mom or Dad.
 The family is coming home this weekend, and although they have invited me to stay as long as I need to, I wouldn't feel very comfortable staying here while they are back home, I don't know the parents well enough to do that.  No matter who's home you stay in, it is still not yours, not your home, and feels so very different.  I can't believe I am in this place now, again with no home of my own.  Yes, I am grateful I have a place to stay, a place with a family member and do not have to pay rent, but it's still difficult.  Difficult to move, difficult to settle in again, a new house, a new bed, a new area, a new town to get to know.  I am so tired of moving, of doing this again, as this will be my seventh place I will be living in within a year.
I don't understand why my life couldn't have ended up easy, easier, and happy, happier.  Why my ex and I couldn't get through our pain, like everyone else does, and stay together.  I wish we would have concentrated on our castle we were planning to build, and even had the blueprints and the five acres to live on.  We did not focus on that one bit, not even mentioning it the last year or two we were together.  What a dream that was for us, a dream it would have been for our children as well.  We would have been in the woods, with the man I was very much attached to.  Did we hurt each other, yes.  But I was part of the hurting as well, so blind to see myself, my ego so big, not wanting to admit my own pain and hurt.
And now, now I will have to move again, after being in this beautiful space, with a nice large deck out the kitchen, nestled in the trees, with the birds, squirrels, etc.  It is going to be a hot one, super hot today, and I was invited to spend the day with my brother who is off of work this week, and they have a built in pool.  I have to take a car load of boxes to my brothers home anyway, so I planned a day to go home and do that.  It is already too hot outside, I can barely breathe, so I should get my car packed before it gets so hot.  Then, I will take it to my brothers where I will be staying, and then leave to my other brothers house and hang out there with him for the day.

My New Life, Signing with Balboa Press

           

I just spoke with Balboa Press, and Kim, my new publishing consultant.  I have just started to put this into motion, becoming a published author, not just writing and writing for years.  I am really excited about this, I have been the past week now.  I just got off the phone with Balboa, and made my first payment of $408.34, who thought you could start to publish your book with such a little investment?  I know by just doing this, and signing a contract with them, will tell the Universe, yes, I am ready.  No more talk, now it is time to do it, get it done, succeed and finally become the author I am meant to become.  I am truly excited, it feels as if my life has already changed drastically, my energy has already shifted to one of being a writer, an author, legitimately too.  My kids have heard me telling them this for years, that I was going to write a book, and now it is going to happen, the energy is already flowing, I can feel it.  No more nanny work for money, for a living, but something else that I love to do, and can really become abundant at doing, in so many ways.  My life will change so much, and be so different, and I will have the finances to have whatever I dream of having, having the life I am truly meant to live.  Ahh, I can already feel it happening, everything is already changing.  
I have already been working on putting all my pages together to submit to Balboa, my manuscript.  I started reading my first few blog entries, and I started in the fall of 2013, I didn't realize it was that long ago.  It is so interesting to read back on, because I have already changed since then.  I have about 250 blog entries, I am sure that is enough for a book.  My goal is to read all of the posts within a month, and correct the changes that need corrected.  I want this to happen fast, no more time just waiting to get it done.  I have been writing pretty much my entire life, so this is way past do.  I have always wanted to write a book about my life, but was not ready I suppose until now.  This is my priority for sure, and I still do not have a nanny job yet, so I am very free to get it done, and I am.  I already have gone through over thirty pages.  The hardest part I see is sitting at the computer so long to type and write.  My back starts to ache so much, I finally rest after hours by laying flat on the ground, relaxing my upper back, giving it a change to rest.  And the pain immediately runs to it.  

My children are coming for dinner tomorrow night, as I want them to come for dinner one night before I leave this borrowed space my previous bosses home.  How grateful I am to her, being here, in this wonderful space, has given me the opportunity to trust my heart, and do what I truly want to do, and have wanted to do for years.  The energy here is great, the backyard and deck, is nestled in the trees, along with a naturally flowing brook in the back.  It is a great space to create, you can feel it, and I am sure much has been created in this space.  They both are entrepreneurs, doing what they love, giving back, working from home, successful and happy.  I think being in this higher energy space, other than the room I was going to stay in, has totally helped shift my energy, and know I can accomplish my dreams, especially my dream of becoming an author now.  So, I figured we would celebrate together tomorrow night, my three children and I, and maybe some of their friends if they can come.  I miss the Sunday dinners, each Sunday my daughter would make the best pot of tomatoe sauce, and we would have pasta, lasagna and such.  And summers are meant to have family and friends over every weekend to celebrate life, celebrate each other, and enjoy the moment.  Look at what I had and I didn't even know it, did I take so much for granted, I did.  Don't look at your life now, and see what's in your face.  Can you give that person love instead of complaint?  Can you give yourself love, instead of pain?  Love and forgiveness from the past, it is done, you did the best you could, we all did.   We did not know any better, if we did we would have done better!  But, truly it never is too late, never too late to open your heart to love, to open to receive the love from others, the love that is inside of your self.  For I have a feeling it is so deep, so blissful, it will sweep us away to high heaven and beyond.  I can not wait, I have been asking the question since seventh grade, what is this all about?  What are we here for?  Finally I am learning to see some of the answers, but am still struggling with so much as well.  I want life to be free and easy, for me, you, and all of us.
My wish for you is to follow your dreams, and never give up.  What is the point for settling into a life we are not truly happy in?  What is the point in waking up each morning not even wanting to get out of bed?  What is the point worrying about everything and anything that "could" happen to you, that could go wrong?  For what?  Hell, we may as well be happy, and if we are not, figure out a way to be, figure out something else to do.  Do what?  Do what you truly love, what's in your heart, what makes you happy when you are doing it.  And, turn it into work, turn it into a way to become financially abundant, and live.  Truly live, in joy, and peace within ourselves, and happiness.

Signing my Contract with Balboa Press

Today is the day I sign up with Balboa Press!! Yes, it is! Wow, what a day this is going to be.  Somehow this is happening, thank you God, Universe, Source for pushing me ahead, and not giving up.  I have been writing forever in a journal, and blogging for a few years, and decided to write a book about self love.  "My Spiritual Journey to Self Love", which I have stated before, this blog my book.  

So excited, I have so much work to do, but now I have to get showered, and run to the bank to put money into my account to pay for part of this.  They actually take payments, and your book doesn't even have to be ready, as mine is not.  I will have to read all of my posts, and put them together for a book.  I do not even remember what I wrote over a year ago, and went back to look at that.  It is so interesting when you go back and see how you felt and where you were.  I started writing at the beginning of when I found Teal Swan as well, so it will be pretty cool to see the growth and transition in her and I.  As each workshop I see Teal in, she has grown more and more as well, and we have all become more aware and conscious, I see it in every workshop.

This is an exciting day, an exciting time for me, and I am going to embrace it.  

A Beach Day with my Family and the Kids!!

So much has been happening so fast.  It is Friday already and the week flew by.  I was so fortunate to spend the day with my two wonderful nieces, and their boys, my GREAT nephews!  My mom is no longer with us, and I am the only female left in the family, besides my sister in laws of course.  It has always been important to me to stay close to the children, even when they grow up if they choose.  And, to stay close to their children, my great nephews.  I want to be part of my life, as I love being with my family as you already know.
My one niece and I were very close for years, and she had children, got busy and I do not get to see her as often.  But she lives 20 minutes from the beach, loves the beach as I do, so now is the time to see her.  Actually, she is the niece who I use to take to the beach alone when she was young, even five years old, along with her younger brother.  I loved the beach, loved the kids, and would drive from North Jersey, pick them up in Central Jersey and head to the beach.  I do not know how I had the energy to do that now as I look back, and I wonder why my sister in law didn't come with me as we were so close.  I think it was also about giving her a break with the kids.  Either way, I was very close to her growing up, and loved it.
Being with her, spending the day with her and her two sons was so awesome, so comforting, so loving.  And, my other niece came, but this one I have been very close to for the past five years since she has moved in with my brother with her two boys when she was divorced.  I was close to her when she was young as well, we always had a special connection.  I know her boys well too, since I have been around them a lot since they were small, and they are only five and seven now.
We had an awesome day, the beach was perfect, not too hot at all.  And the water was pretty warm for July and the kids and my niece swam in the ocean so much of the day.  The kids all love the water, just like mine did, and it is so nice to see them riding the waves all day.  I love the water as well, the waves are so much fun, it was just a little to chilly for me to dive into, but I did get in as much as I could.  The water is so cleansing, so healing, and that is why so many of us flock there all summer long.  Ahh, the fresh air, the sunshine, the ocean, so beautiful.  But, I realize I do not enjoy it as much going alone anymore, I almost don't even want to.  It is so much more fun for me to be with others on the beach, because I am alone so much of the time now.
After the beach we went back to my sister in laws home, showered, ate some healthy organic veggies from the CSA she is part of, and ran to the fair that was in town.  When I got back to her house I was feeling sick, so drained, so nauseous from the sun, and barely drank any water all day.  I had to sit down on the couch a few minutes and rest, and then the shower helped, even though I still felt so nauseous.  But, I purged ahead, and went to the fair with them, knowing how precious these times together are for me, and how far and few between they are.
The fair was awesome too, it was huge, and there was so much to do.  The boys were fun, we saw the bees, the pig races, got to pet the bunnies, and ate.  I left before them, wanting to drive in the daytime and not in the night, as I have problems seeing in the darkness driving now.

         
Waking up the next day, it has left me filled with love, my cup is running over.  Wow, to realize how important it is to stay connected to my family, to others, when I always just took it for granted.  Because I was always with family, always with people, until my divorce.  Then, after that, I turned into a hermit for years, stayed in except for taking care of the kids, and going to the gym.  I totally lost sense of a support system, totally felt I didn't need anyone, didn't reach out to others and I guess they didn't reach out much to me either and stay connected.
But now that is all changing.  I want others around, all the time, I want my home to be filled with the laughter of family, friends, loved ones, and especially children.  It is amazing that I had to come to a place of feeling empty inside, to know how much I need to be filled, filled with the love from others.  And that means staying connected, staying connected physically with the ones I love, and staying connected with my Soul Family on face book as well.
For today I am feeling lucky, I am blessed, I am free,
Namaste

Becoming an Author!

It truly does help to stay connected to others when you feel your life is turning upside down.  It actually helps to ground you.  Grounding, big word for me, something I need to be aware of all day!  I have found myself remembering to deep breath in the car when I am feeling excited, nervous, stressed.  I think it is helping as I do feel calmer, and am more aware of and in touch with my feelings.  Being with my best two friends this week, friends I have known from childhood, has totally helped cradle me in love.  In feeling loved, knowing I am not here alone, knowing someone else loves me and cares.  And, especially knowing I am known, I am understood, totally and deeply understood by someone because they have known me for life.  For these friendships, I am honored, I am blessed, and it has truly given me the faith, strength, hope and courage to know I will be okay.  I will be better than okay, I will get through it, I am almost there!

I also expressed to her how I had an Angel Therapy session over five years ago, and she explained Archangel Gabriel was watching over me telling me to write!  To keep that journal and write a book, and then she asked me do you write.  Hell ya, I do!! And, the funny thing now is that woman is now a Hay House author and lives in my area.  She wrote her first book with Balboa Press, and then Hay House picked her book up to publish.  A coincidence?  I doubt it, more like synchronicity, a word I wasn't even aware of back then.  I do remember when I met her, Karen Noe, saying to myself, wow, she is an author, a person just like me, but has a book published.  If she could accomplish this, then so can I, as we are no different.  My dream has always been to become an author, I just never totally believe that I could.  But, now I am ready, so ready, and it is time.  I know it and feel it in my bones, so ready now to accomplish this.  Especially since the nanny job I had lined up fell through, I totally understood the Universe is pushing me to do more, no more being a nanny, living alone, and not being happy with the life I am leading.  No more just working like that to keep up, pay my bills, but still living being so unhappy.  Yes, I do love children, and enjoy that work, but it becomes very draining for me, and I know I have so much more to give.  I always have, it's just getting the courage, strength and faith to know I can do it.  Know I can succeed, as long as I do the work.  And, now is the perfect time as I do not have steady work now, and am going to move in with my brother for awhile until I create some financial abundance to get my own place.  It is as if the Universe has been shaking me up this last year, as I have lived in seven places already, and a year isn't even up yet.  How much more does the Universe have to shake me up to tell me what I am doing isn't working for me?  There is much more for me to do and give.  Well, now I finally get it and it is time.  Speaking with her made me so excited, it was as if I was high knowing my dream is going to come true.  I like to go with Teal Swan's sayings, like "Inown", and if you desire it, it is already done.  We are all given special gifts, people call it your life purpose, and this is definitely part of mine, and has been for years.  I am finally owning it, and putting it as my first priority for happiness and abundance, and not keep brushing it under the table, forgetting how much I love to write!An awesome thing happened to me today, and it started on the ride home yesterday from my girlfriends home down the shore.  I kept asking the Universe to send me the work I am here to do, always questioning what to focus on first, realizing once again my first true love is to write.  I love writing, always have, and having the body issues I have it is so much easier for me.  As much as I need to connect and want to live with someone, I have become such a homey, wanting to stay in and work, and getting out when I want to.  So, I asked the Universe for help, to show me how to accomplish publishing my book and becoming an author, and low and behold the employee from Balboa Press, who I have spoken to before called.  Wow, right then and there a huge smile came to my face, knowing the Universe was talking to me, what synchronicity.  Even though I was driving on the Parkway, I answered quickly knowing I should.  We spoke quickly, as I told her I was driving that I would call her back.  She said she would phone me the next day, and she did.  She also thanked me for answering her call!  She is very, very sweet, with a calm, kind voice, and a smile on her face.  

As we spoke for over an hour and a half, I was truly excited about becoming an author, and speaking with her made it all seem real, like it totally could happen!   She was so positive and focused on me and my dream of becoming an author.  The things she said were so true to me, language I use about creating what you want, abundance, becoming the author I have always dreamed of, making me feel and believe it can happen!  When I told her I knew Teal Swan, she expressed imagine being a colleague, an author just like her with the same Publishing Company.  How real it felt, how accessible it felt, how true to me at the time to do this, what I have been wanting to do for years upon years.  
                   
I have been keeping a journal regularly since I have been 18 years old, I even remember taking my first journal to the park to write about the sadness and pain I was feeling at the time.  Writing always seemed to take it away for me, releasing, letting go, and feeling better afterwards.  After my divorce I wrote so much, and wanted to turn those journals into a book, but each time I went back to my journals to write, it was too sad, too sad for me to put it together and type it out on the computer, so I kept putting it aside.  
Then, in the fall of 2013, on my quest for self love due to my daughters talking about moving out, I decided instead of writing all in my journal, I decided to blog.  Everyone who loved to write was blogging, and I figure this way half the work would be done, it would all be written down on my blogs.  And, now it is time to put it all together and get it done!  
Amazing this could be. Love and light.

Feeling Okay Today

Wow, all the things that are happening so fast, like the speed of lightening!  I guess its good?  Or not!  My feelings already this morning have changed drastically, from waking up so sad, to feeling so grateful for all I have in my life, the people in it especially my children.  I also realize how much I need to see my family and friends right now.  I woke up in lots of pain today, and that doesn't help with the positive attitude of gratitude.  The pain, why?  Why is it there?  To make me do other things like stay home and write?  To force me to chill out and take care of myself?  I don't think I believe that, as I have been working on this for years now.  Caring for me, resting, saying no to others, not always doing so much.  Oh well, I chose now to not focus on it, and send those parts in pain white light, blessings of Gods eternal light.  Louise Hay says neck pain is being inflexible, which is funny because I always thought I was!  Wow, flexible, easy going, caring.  But, looking at how long I held onto my past with my ex and children, shows me how inflexible I have been.  Not going with the flow of the river downstream and just gliding, but swimming against it, holding onto that one last branch not wanting to let go! I have finally let go of that past for now, looking forward to a future with someone, someone to connect with, bond with, and love.

I got to spend time with my family, the family I use to care for with four children!  We all love each other so much, the children hug and kiss me all the time, telling me how much they love me.  I have no idea why I do not visit them more often, as they fill my cup with so much love!  And I am close to the two mothers, we are friends, and we have always talked about life stuff, my children, etc. with each other.  And they have the best parents ever as well, and I got to see their mom also.  Being there, in the craziness of children laughing, running around, warmed my heart.  That chaos that I miss, showing me the energy in life, the energy of the children, the joy, the love they bring.  I am so grateful to have them part of my life, and will make sure I get to see them more often for sure.  The one girl told me when I left, it ripped out their hearts!  Wow, what a piece of guilt right there, that really made me look at how I left once again, and made me feel so bad.  So bad that I did not keep better in touch when I left, like I should have, and they needed to stay connected to me, I saw them for two years all week, and we were so close. 
                            
So many regrets I have, so many things to forgive myself for.  Forgiving ourselves is a big one for me, something I still always have to work on.  Teal Swan has a meditation on forgiving, forgiving yourself which I couldn't even listen to the day I tried, not feeling strong enough to go through those emotions alone.  But, I have been facing more and more past memories where I need to forgive myself, and have been working my way through them.  Even this morning a cat ran inside the home I am staying in, and when it saw me it ran out!  But, it was a trigger for me, triggering the last two cats I had and how I gave them away and we stuffed them in a box so scared it was horrible.  And my daughter who loves the animals didn't even get to say goodbye.  I was in a terrible place, and wasn't suppose to have two cats, and when my landlord saw them he wanted them out, and I was trying to move into his other larger unit, so I felt I had to find them a new home.  That was when I was hanging out with that guy, who was so bad for me, I don't know how I put up with him so long, and wanted to.

Any way, so much more has happened. I spoke to my other brother about living there awhile, he opened his door for me, unlike my other brother just did.  Then, I got a phone call from one of my girlfriends friends, who I saw Sunday at the Graduation Party.  When she mentioned her children moved out, I made a comment joking, that I needed a place to crash for a few weeks, do you need a room mate?  I suppose she thought about it, and she called me the next day.  We talked a long time on the phone, little did I know how connected she is to the Angels, and the Spirit world.  She gave me insights on how much power I do have, take it back, and do what I came here to do.  And she told me to breathe, breathe in for eight counts, hold for eight, and breathe out for eight, which I have been doing ever since.  She told me I was working too hard, trying to hard, to just sit back and let it happen because it will.  It will happen, it will unfold, it is already done.  I love that, and remind myself of that when I am happy, all we want is already here in front of us, we just have to believe it to be true, and it is. 
 We made plans to get together Friday, to see her place and talk about moving in.  She explained that she never had a room mate, and has a husky dog who is very hairy, and I explained that my brother did offer me to stay with him as well.  She basically told me that would be too much negativity for me to live with, how would she know?  She explained to me how intuitive she is, and gave stories to back it up.  After I hung the phone up, I thanked the Universe for sending her, feeling blessed things are working out in a way I would never have planned.  Little did I know after knowing her for years, how deep, and intuitive she is, just like me.  I guess it goes to show you how like energies attract.  This totally cheered me up when I woke up the next day, even just having her as a new friend this way.  I have no idea what type of home she has, so I will see how I feel after being there with her, but at least now I have options.  And I always can stay at my brothers home as well.  I almost feel as if he will be disappointed, I think he needs a shift, a change, and someone around would help that shift.  I would enjoy being there for him, as he has always been there for me. 
Blessings!