Namaste
It's been pretty tough, I have been so sad I can't even write. Too many changes, too much chaos and confusion I feel. I do not like being here or anywhere. Anywhere meaning in no one else's space, I just want my own, my own stuff, my own space. What a way to feel like shit, just move in with someone else, having none of your things around, feeling so alone without your family.
Yes, my emotions have calmed down, instead of crying all day, I have periods of tears throughout the day. I am still so very sad, so hurt, so upset so not settled. I am worrying now about everything, money, a job, what to do next for work.
I was lucky to spend two days with my daughters, I went with my one daughter to NYC to see a Doctor the other day, and the day after spent time with my other daughter. It helps to leave here and be there with them, but when I see them with their attitude, I want to leave and be alone.
See how confusing this is getting? Wanting to be with them and see them, and then not wanting to be around the attitudes any more. I want peace, peace and love, is that too much to ask? I want a home that I love, with my things in it. I want loved ones around, whoever they are, but I want them around. I want to cook for them, laugh with them, and hibernate with them this winter with a fireplace in the snow.
So, if I know I can manifest what I want, why do I not want it? I have wanted my own home for years. I have wanted a man in my life, a man that loves me for the rest of time. If that man is my ex, and I am here now to take care of him and his young daughter, so be it, I am up for the challenge. I will always have a loving connection to him, he was my first love, falling in love at 17 years old, being with him for about 30 years. Through all the pain and hurt we caused one another, I have changed my heart to love, love for him, love to him, knowing we made a commitment here on earth to help one another along the way. Contracts we make with others before we come down here, all to help one another growth. He was my biggest teacher, and I still did not learn from him what I should have. That is why I get it from my children. Mirrors they are to my own pain, so hard to see and deal with at times though.
So, I know what I want, now I need the Universe to send it to me. I do not have to know the "how", I just need know what I want and put it out there. How easy that sounds when you put your trust in the Universe, and you know how the Universe works. It works for us, with us, and sends us people to help us along the way. Just because it loves us, and wants to see our growth and expansion, which in turn causes it's own growth and expansion. What a wonderful way for it to work, with us, for us, on our side, like the biggest cheerleader we have! Source energy, connection, the Universe, all us, all one, all here to help us along this journey to loving ourselves totally!
When I am so sad and low like I have been, I forget about this. I forget about this stuff, I get so stuck in a bad place, crying, worrying, it is hard to get out. It is hard to remember and return to love, just wanting support from someone, anyone.
This is my tenth day here, and I am calmer. My head is not spinning as much, I feel more focused on what I need to do now, settling in. My clothes, and stuff were everywhere, and it took all week to condense it all to what I need currently. With no space but a bedroom, you are very limited in what you have near you. I brought my crystals, candles, and some bamboo with me, and at night I light my candles and pray and meditate, which seems to help with my energy. My energy was so high, and became very depleted over this move. I wish my energy was as high as it is when I get back from a Workshop from Teal Swan, and I am working on bringing that energy up again.
People wear you down, complaining, negative, unhappy people. It is hard to stay happy and positive in this world, that is why my home is my sanctuary, away from it all, in my own space where I can create and be. I can be without judgments in where I go or what I do.
I am still scared and worried about how income will flow, but have asked the Universe to send me work, work I want to do, work I am here to do, and becoming financially abundant doing that. This is not a good place to be, in the state of rear and worry, because it is such a low vibration. It is sad, I am sad, tomorrow is another day.
Monday, December 22, 2014
Breaking Down
Namaste
Having a really bad day today, so bad I can barely even write, crying so much. Woke up to the dark rain, so that surely doesn't help my mood. I am so sad, sad I have no home, no things of mine around to comfort me, no kids around to talk to, I miss them so much! My feelings are so low today I don't even know what to do, how I am going to get through this at all!!
I do not know how I am going to get through this day, let alone day after day. I feel lost, alone, confused, like I have nothing or no one. What a terrible feeling. I am wondering how I did this to myself and why. Why I would manifest this for even a week? This is a terrible, awful place to be, a terrible thing to manifest now in my life when I thought I was okay. Better than okay, I thought I was so ready to shine my light, to publish these books, to manifest all the money I need to have what I want. And look at me now, today, here. It is so awful, I don't even know what to do.
Thank the Universe for my sister in laws phone call. We spoke awhile, I haven't heard from her since I moved out. She is always very comforting, but we still have grown apart, which has been natural for me now. I have grown apart from many people, walking down a different path, and that's okay. The Universe has sent me like minded souls, my soul family for sure. But, even with them, there are the ones that have attitude and give me a hard time.
I am trying to just get through the day today. Alive, without crying hysterical all day.
I took a bath, forced myself to because I am in so much pain. The water always makes me cried so I cried more.
I forced myself to heat up some soup for dinner, and went straight to my room after. I spoke to my daughters to help cheer me up, we made plans for the week, and that is comforting.
Then, out of the blue, I got a call from my best soul sister ever, Irina! We haven't spoken in weeks, she is so busy and has no time to talk. We keep in touch on face book, which is a blessing, even though I don't get on it daily. She totally cheered me up, telling me not to be so hard on myself, and that she loves me! She is going to California soon to do some Kambo we were turned onto from Teal Swan. I am so excited for her, as this ceremony is very deep, sacred, and life transforming, only for the Warriors indeed.
We also spoke about me going to Miami, and her opinion on maybe seeing Teal for a private instead. It's funny, because I had thought of this myself as well. I would love to visit Teal and have a private session with her, more than anything right now, I know it would be the best thing for my growth and understanding of myself. Manifest, I just have to manifest it. Wow, when you are so low, so lost, you do not realize you have the power to create anything, because why would you create this hell? So you feel more powerless, what a vicious cycle! Oh my, I have to get out of this!
Help!
Having a really bad day today, so bad I can barely even write, crying so much. Woke up to the dark rain, so that surely doesn't help my mood. I am so sad, sad I have no home, no things of mine around to comfort me, no kids around to talk to, I miss them so much! My feelings are so low today I don't even know what to do, how I am going to get through this at all!!
I do not know how I am going to get through this day, let alone day after day. I feel lost, alone, confused, like I have nothing or no one. What a terrible feeling. I am wondering how I did this to myself and why. Why I would manifest this for even a week? This is a terrible, awful place to be, a terrible thing to manifest now in my life when I thought I was okay. Better than okay, I thought I was so ready to shine my light, to publish these books, to manifest all the money I need to have what I want. And look at me now, today, here. It is so awful, I don't even know what to do.
Thank the Universe for my sister in laws phone call. We spoke awhile, I haven't heard from her since I moved out. She is always very comforting, but we still have grown apart, which has been natural for me now. I have grown apart from many people, walking down a different path, and that's okay. The Universe has sent me like minded souls, my soul family for sure. But, even with them, there are the ones that have attitude and give me a hard time.
I am trying to just get through the day today. Alive, without crying hysterical all day.
I took a bath, forced myself to because I am in so much pain. The water always makes me cried so I cried more.
I forced myself to heat up some soup for dinner, and went straight to my room after. I spoke to my daughters to help cheer me up, we made plans for the week, and that is comforting.
Then, out of the blue, I got a call from my best soul sister ever, Irina! We haven't spoken in weeks, she is so busy and has no time to talk. We keep in touch on face book, which is a blessing, even though I don't get on it daily. She totally cheered me up, telling me not to be so hard on myself, and that she loves me! She is going to California soon to do some Kambo we were turned onto from Teal Swan. I am so excited for her, as this ceremony is very deep, sacred, and life transforming, only for the Warriors indeed.
We also spoke about me going to Miami, and her opinion on maybe seeing Teal for a private instead. It's funny, because I had thought of this myself as well. I would love to visit Teal and have a private session with her, more than anything right now, I know it would be the best thing for my growth and understanding of myself. Manifest, I just have to manifest it. Wow, when you are so low, so lost, you do not realize you have the power to create anything, because why would you create this hell? So you feel more powerless, what a vicious cycle! Oh my, I have to get out of this!
Help!
Third Day at My Brothers House ~ Saturday
It is Saturday, and it is so nice to wake up and hear someone's voice. I am glad my brother's son is here, even though we haven't been close, it is nice to be around him and my brother. I stayed in my room all morning, just made some tea, showered, and getting dressed. I woke up again today so tired, so exhausted, my body and mind. I feel so drained, so tired, but my pain has calmed down somewhat from yesterday. I am always in so much pain, and I truly want to get to the answer to it, why I have had to suffer in pain pretty much my entire life.
I am not as sad and depressed as I was yesterday, I can not figure it all out in a day. I am going to head up North to spend the day with my daughters, because they are staying in all day so the dogs can get use to their new place, so I can visit them, and hang out with them. I still have some things of mine in my old house, in the garage, and have to go back there one more time today. I actually dread it, having no desire to go back there and be sad, sad my life there is gone and over, stepping into this new life I do not want, and feel so lost in.
What a way to test yourself, test your strength and courage, to just change your life drastically without your own home to live in. I don't think I would have enjoyed living alone right away anyway, I see that now. I am glad the house I was going to rent fell through, although I do not want to be here, I would rather be here with a family member I love, even if we aren't close, than to be living alone and waking up alone every day. My brother made it perfectly clear he only wants me here for a few weeks, so I will have to make other plans soon. I currently do not have any job nor income coming in. Although I am divorced, my alimony ended after ten years, even though I qualified for lifetime alimony. Oh well, I am over that, knowing all things happen for a reason.
I know what I want to do here while I have time left on this earth, but I just don't know how to accomplish it all, and put it out there to become financially abundant.
I love to write and have written a few children's books that need to be illustrated and published. I am currently writing an adult book as well, my spiritual life journey to self love, and would love to find a publisher for that as well. I also am certified for Reiki and want to do energy work for others, and read Angel Cards for them, along with turning them onto the crystals and essential oils I love. All of this is so healing, and I want to help heal and empower others to have the life they want to have. I also want to teach children's yoga again, I am certified, I just need to find a place to teach at. I also just took a new class by Donna Eden, who created some exercises for energy healing your own body, and would love to teach this anywhere, especially to the Senior Citizens. So, when it comes to loves I totally have, it is just asking the Universe to send me clients so I can use my gifts to help teach others to heal themselves.
I always use to ask how I am suppose to get all of this out there and find clients, but now I know to ask the Universe to send them to me, so I will. I am asking the Universe to send me clients who need this type of healing, and places where I can teach children's yoga, energy work, and all of the other modalities I know. I am asking the Universe to show me how to get my books finished, and published so I can start getting them out there to the children, to help empower them teaching them how bright they are and how they can do whatever they want here on earth!
But for now, I am going to take a ride up North, get the rest of my things, and visit my children on this beautiful Saturday! The sun is out, it is not a bad day, not at all as dark as yesterday.
Namaste, all have a blessed day!
I am not as sad and depressed as I was yesterday, I can not figure it all out in a day. I am going to head up North to spend the day with my daughters, because they are staying in all day so the dogs can get use to their new place, so I can visit them, and hang out with them. I still have some things of mine in my old house, in the garage, and have to go back there one more time today. I actually dread it, having no desire to go back there and be sad, sad my life there is gone and over, stepping into this new life I do not want, and feel so lost in.
What a way to test yourself, test your strength and courage, to just change your life drastically without your own home to live in. I don't think I would have enjoyed living alone right away anyway, I see that now. I am glad the house I was going to rent fell through, although I do not want to be here, I would rather be here with a family member I love, even if we aren't close, than to be living alone and waking up alone every day. My brother made it perfectly clear he only wants me here for a few weeks, so I will have to make other plans soon. I currently do not have any job nor income coming in. Although I am divorced, my alimony ended after ten years, even though I qualified for lifetime alimony. Oh well, I am over that, knowing all things happen for a reason.
I know what I want to do here while I have time left on this earth, but I just don't know how to accomplish it all, and put it out there to become financially abundant.
I love to write and have written a few children's books that need to be illustrated and published. I am currently writing an adult book as well, my spiritual life journey to self love, and would love to find a publisher for that as well. I also am certified for Reiki and want to do energy work for others, and read Angel Cards for them, along with turning them onto the crystals and essential oils I love. All of this is so healing, and I want to help heal and empower others to have the life they want to have. I also want to teach children's yoga again, I am certified, I just need to find a place to teach at. I also just took a new class by Donna Eden, who created some exercises for energy healing your own body, and would love to teach this anywhere, especially to the Senior Citizens. So, when it comes to loves I totally have, it is just asking the Universe to send me clients so I can use my gifts to help teach others to heal themselves.
I always use to ask how I am suppose to get all of this out there and find clients, but now I know to ask the Universe to send them to me, so I will. I am asking the Universe to send me clients who need this type of healing, and places where I can teach children's yoga, energy work, and all of the other modalities I know. I am asking the Universe to show me how to get my books finished, and published so I can start getting them out there to the children, to help empower them teaching them how bright they are and how they can do whatever they want here on earth!
But for now, I am going to take a ride up North, get the rest of my things, and visit my children on this beautiful Saturday! The sun is out, it is not a bad day, not at all as dark as yesterday.
Namaste, all have a blessed day!
Stayed in all day Exhausted
Namaste
I stayed in all day and rested today, not even having the energy to go through some more bins and unpack. My body aches so much, especially my upper back, in between my shoulder blades, it feels almost as if it was burned by fire and the pain will not go away and is excruciating. I decided to take a bath, and just looking at the water in the tub made me cry! When I am sad, tears always are released when I bathe or shower, it's totally crazy. And today was no different, releasing so many tears, pain and sadness in that water! After the bath I decided to lay down, which was so needed. I got up after about an hour and my pain did calm down a bit. The spasms are so bad they feel like I was burnt by a fire, and like knives are being dug into my skin!
When I awoke, I decided to go to the food store for some food, so I can make dinner for my brother and his son, which he has every weekend. It was actually really nice, my brother never cooks, he just doesn't like to and feels he is not very good at it. He just told me he has to change his diet totally, after going to a Doctor for his stomach issues, she said no more Gluten! He seemed overwhelmed, not knowing what to eat now, and I assured him he was in good hands, because that is the way I eat, sugar and gluten free!
We had a nice dinner together, I made sweet potatoes and asparagus, and they ate steak with it, and I surely did not! My brother appreciated it and offered to give me money for the food store, which I rejected feeling I should contribute somehow at least.
After dinner, I cleaned up, called my daughter, and went to my room around 8:00 to rest. Which I surely did, I lit all the candles I have, and got under the covers and it felt great. I laid in bed a few hours, my body suffering in pain. I spoke to my body and pain, and asked what can I do to make it feel better, and what does it want to tell me? I envisioned some attachments in my neck and upper back, and worked on pulling those cords out, filling them with light, and burning those cords! We can have attachments to people, they can even attach to us, which would wear us down and could cause pain. I laid in bed a few hours not totally asleep, but more as if I was meditating, coming in and out of consciousness, until 12:00. Then, I got up and blew the candles out and went to bed for the night.
It was a really difficult day, one of the hardest yet. Going to a new food store was sad, it brought tears to my eyes knowing I am not home anymore, knowing I have no home and feel so lost. The food store was way too huge, not knowing where everything was took way too long to get through.
My tears today were ones of feeling lost, not knowing where I even want to be. Not even knowing what job I will create to become financially abundant. Being here in my brothers home makes me realize so much what I want. A home of my own, one I love and am proud of and can pour my spirit into. I don't think I want to live alone though, I would love a room mate, someone to live with me that I love to be around.
I am not in the state today to realize I can create my future and manifest what I want. I am in a serious state of loneliness, sadness, feeling I have nothing and no one. It makes you feel so lost leaving the home you have been in for four years, and living with someone else. I have moved an hour away from where my children are now and where I raised them, I have come back to the area I grew up in. I have more of a support system here, family I love and can go visit and bond with. Up North near my children, I have really no friends and family. I lost touch with my children's friends parents a long time ago, and my friends were my sister in laws. and since I have been divorced we no longer are in touch. At least here I have people to visit at night if I don't want to be alone, at least five different people to see, and that is a lot for me! I was going to visit someone tonight, but got done with dinner too late, and was so content with just getting in bed and nourishing my body.
So, peace out for now, hoping this gets better!
Love and Light
I stayed in all day and rested today, not even having the energy to go through some more bins and unpack. My body aches so much, especially my upper back, in between my shoulder blades, it feels almost as if it was burned by fire and the pain will not go away and is excruciating. I decided to take a bath, and just looking at the water in the tub made me cry! When I am sad, tears always are released when I bathe or shower, it's totally crazy. And today was no different, releasing so many tears, pain and sadness in that water! After the bath I decided to lay down, which was so needed. I got up after about an hour and my pain did calm down a bit. The spasms are so bad they feel like I was burnt by a fire, and like knives are being dug into my skin!
When I awoke, I decided to go to the food store for some food, so I can make dinner for my brother and his son, which he has every weekend. It was actually really nice, my brother never cooks, he just doesn't like to and feels he is not very good at it. He just told me he has to change his diet totally, after going to a Doctor for his stomach issues, she said no more Gluten! He seemed overwhelmed, not knowing what to eat now, and I assured him he was in good hands, because that is the way I eat, sugar and gluten free!
We had a nice dinner together, I made sweet potatoes and asparagus, and they ate steak with it, and I surely did not! My brother appreciated it and offered to give me money for the food store, which I rejected feeling I should contribute somehow at least.
After dinner, I cleaned up, called my daughter, and went to my room around 8:00 to rest. Which I surely did, I lit all the candles I have, and got under the covers and it felt great. I laid in bed a few hours, my body suffering in pain. I spoke to my body and pain, and asked what can I do to make it feel better, and what does it want to tell me? I envisioned some attachments in my neck and upper back, and worked on pulling those cords out, filling them with light, and burning those cords! We can have attachments to people, they can even attach to us, which would wear us down and could cause pain. I laid in bed a few hours not totally asleep, but more as if I was meditating, coming in and out of consciousness, until 12:00. Then, I got up and blew the candles out and went to bed for the night.
It was a really difficult day, one of the hardest yet. Going to a new food store was sad, it brought tears to my eyes knowing I am not home anymore, knowing I have no home and feel so lost. The food store was way too huge, not knowing where everything was took way too long to get through.
My tears today were ones of feeling lost, not knowing where I even want to be. Not even knowing what job I will create to become financially abundant. Being here in my brothers home makes me realize so much what I want. A home of my own, one I love and am proud of and can pour my spirit into. I don't think I want to live alone though, I would love a room mate, someone to live with me that I love to be around.
I am not in the state today to realize I can create my future and manifest what I want. I am in a serious state of loneliness, sadness, feeling I have nothing and no one. It makes you feel so lost leaving the home you have been in for four years, and living with someone else. I have moved an hour away from where my children are now and where I raised them, I have come back to the area I grew up in. I have more of a support system here, family I love and can go visit and bond with. Up North near my children, I have really no friends and family. I lost touch with my children's friends parents a long time ago, and my friends were my sister in laws. and since I have been divorced we no longer are in touch. At least here I have people to visit at night if I don't want to be alone, at least five different people to see, and that is a lot for me! I was going to visit someone tonight, but got done with dinner too late, and was so content with just getting in bed and nourishing my body.
So, peace out for now, hoping this gets better!
Love and Light
Monday, December 15, 2014
Friday, First Day Here at my Brothers House
Blessings all!
I woke up to my awesome soul sisters text, Irina's, telling me she is thinking of me during his move. Wow, what a way to start my first day here, you have no idea how his truly touched my heart and comforts me. Her texts always tell me how much she loves me, how she is holding me in light, how much she cares. She is one of the most beautiful women I know, and am so blessed to be her soul sister. My little baby Irina, that is what she once was to me in a past life. We all have had many past lives together, and when you meet those that remember, it is a blessed thing. This is what is happening with my new soul family, thanks to my spiritual mentor, leader and friend, Teal Swan!
I texted and called my girls wanting to know how their first night was and being concerned with Jake, my daughters four year old lab mix. She said he was up all night, when my son and I left last night, he whined all night. He didn't sleep at all was scratching his nose so badly it was bleeding. Nervous he was, I felt so badly, I should have just slept there if we would have known.
I have plans to go back up north today because I had to leave some things in the garage, not being able to fit everything. But, I still have to unpack my entire car again, and I am exhausted. I woke up with the worse neck and back pain, in tears. I took a hot bath, and cried, cried about everything and why I am in so much pain. I did Reiki on my neck and asked my neck if it wanted to tell me anything. I asked it why it was in so much pain. Life, stress, that's all. So, I am suppose to accept this, and just be with it, the pain. Not to wish it away, but to see why it is there and accept it. This is a hard one for me, because I literally have been in this physical pain since College, and it has been bad on and off as well since then. I feel tattered, battered and torn, and just want to rest, rest my body.
I had to go out and unpack, which took hours and I still did not get finished. I have to decide what few things I can keep with me for the next few weeks, in the sense of clothes and personal belongings. It is not fun, and it's pretty sad, putting clothes in the draws was the saddest, I will never be able to see or hear my daughter every single morning saying, "I don't know what to wear Mom," and walk in my room to look for something!! Memories, sometimes I wish we could just wipe the slate clean, and not have them, they seem to hurt so much.
I did as much as I could today, putting the rest aside for another day. My goal was to clean and organize my things in the room so it looked neat. I finally got in the tub, along with my crystals and candle, and it was awesome, hot and relaxing. I release a lot in the water, and today was no different. So many tears of not being good enough, not a good enough mother, not being there enough emotionally for my children in the years. I cried, released, and it surely is a pain in the butt to go through this process daily. When will it all end? The pain? What is the point of it all if there is pain in our bodies, and our hearts always? Yes, it's been a tough couple of days emotionally and it shows, I know.
I arrived at my daughters place around 3:00, we had a lunch date with my son also. Since I had to go back up north to get the rest of my belongings, my daughter told me to stop by to see Jake so he was comforted by knowing we were still there for him. I was thrilled to be invited over so quickly, because my daughter was commenting how she didn't want to see me until Thanksgiving! Two weeks away, but I went along with it, wanting to give her all the space she needs at this time.
I brought a few more gifts for the girls, my aromatherapy diffuser, along with some essential oils for it. I also gave them some really cute tea light holders I just bought for myself as a gift for my new place. The tea lights came in a set of six, and I did not need all of them now, so I split the set in half, and brought them along with some tea light candles. I also had to bring them my new love, a nice piece of Selanite I just bought, but is too big for the room I am in. I have two other larger size crystals I bought recently, so I kept those, and wanted to leave the Selanite with the girls. They were gracious with the gifts I bought, and it was so sweet to hear my daughter offer to make a sandwich for me! And when she made coffee for us, I heard her say she will make it weak, "because Mom likes it that way!" wow, what a change from me being the Mother in my home, and me making the coffee strong for her, because that is the way she likes it! What a beautiful thing, wanting to care for others needs in your own home, so they are happy!
We sat on the couch and hung out, talked, and my son came with his cousin who I helped care for when she was young. It was a really nice time, and after sitting on the couch I realized how much pain I was in, and was getting really tired and decided to go upstairs and lay down. This also gave the kids time to talk and hang out alone. I did pass out a bit, and woke up my pain was calmer.
My son left with his cousin, and I stayed. My one daughters friend came over, so I hung out with my other daughter in her room, and we watched a show that we usually watch together on Thursday nights! It was so fun, like hanging out as friends.
I left late again, not until like 10:00, got in late with the dog barking, and I felt badly I woke my brother up due to that. I am exhausted again, and am going to bed. I didn't even get the chance to get the rest of my things, I was too tired to go after visiting my daughters. I decided to go back Saturday, my kids will be around all day because they want to stay in with the dogs being in a new home, so I can see them again!
Love and light!
I woke up to my awesome soul sisters text, Irina's, telling me she is thinking of me during his move. Wow, what a way to start my first day here, you have no idea how his truly touched my heart and comforts me. Her texts always tell me how much she loves me, how she is holding me in light, how much she cares. She is one of the most beautiful women I know, and am so blessed to be her soul sister. My little baby Irina, that is what she once was to me in a past life. We all have had many past lives together, and when you meet those that remember, it is a blessed thing. This is what is happening with my new soul family, thanks to my spiritual mentor, leader and friend, Teal Swan!
I texted and called my girls wanting to know how their first night was and being concerned with Jake, my daughters four year old lab mix. She said he was up all night, when my son and I left last night, he whined all night. He didn't sleep at all was scratching his nose so badly it was bleeding. Nervous he was, I felt so badly, I should have just slept there if we would have known.
I have plans to go back up north today because I had to leave some things in the garage, not being able to fit everything. But, I still have to unpack my entire car again, and I am exhausted. I woke up with the worse neck and back pain, in tears. I took a hot bath, and cried, cried about everything and why I am in so much pain. I did Reiki on my neck and asked my neck if it wanted to tell me anything. I asked it why it was in so much pain. Life, stress, that's all. So, I am suppose to accept this, and just be with it, the pain. Not to wish it away, but to see why it is there and accept it. This is a hard one for me, because I literally have been in this physical pain since College, and it has been bad on and off as well since then. I feel tattered, battered and torn, and just want to rest, rest my body.
I had to go out and unpack, which took hours and I still did not get finished. I have to decide what few things I can keep with me for the next few weeks, in the sense of clothes and personal belongings. It is not fun, and it's pretty sad, putting clothes in the draws was the saddest, I will never be able to see or hear my daughter every single morning saying, "I don't know what to wear Mom," and walk in my room to look for something!! Memories, sometimes I wish we could just wipe the slate clean, and not have them, they seem to hurt so much.
I did as much as I could today, putting the rest aside for another day. My goal was to clean and organize my things in the room so it looked neat. I finally got in the tub, along with my crystals and candle, and it was awesome, hot and relaxing. I release a lot in the water, and today was no different. So many tears of not being good enough, not a good enough mother, not being there enough emotionally for my children in the years. I cried, released, and it surely is a pain in the butt to go through this process daily. When will it all end? The pain? What is the point of it all if there is pain in our bodies, and our hearts always? Yes, it's been a tough couple of days emotionally and it shows, I know.
I arrived at my daughters place around 3:00, we had a lunch date with my son also. Since I had to go back up north to get the rest of my belongings, my daughter told me to stop by to see Jake so he was comforted by knowing we were still there for him. I was thrilled to be invited over so quickly, because my daughter was commenting how she didn't want to see me until Thanksgiving! Two weeks away, but I went along with it, wanting to give her all the space she needs at this time.
I brought a few more gifts for the girls, my aromatherapy diffuser, along with some essential oils for it. I also gave them some really cute tea light holders I just bought for myself as a gift for my new place. The tea lights came in a set of six, and I did not need all of them now, so I split the set in half, and brought them along with some tea light candles. I also had to bring them my new love, a nice piece of Selanite I just bought, but is too big for the room I am in. I have two other larger size crystals I bought recently, so I kept those, and wanted to leave the Selanite with the girls. They were gracious with the gifts I bought, and it was so sweet to hear my daughter offer to make a sandwich for me! And when she made coffee for us, I heard her say she will make it weak, "because Mom likes it that way!" wow, what a change from me being the Mother in my home, and me making the coffee strong for her, because that is the way she likes it! What a beautiful thing, wanting to care for others needs in your own home, so they are happy!
We sat on the couch and hung out, talked, and my son came with his cousin who I helped care for when she was young. It was a really nice time, and after sitting on the couch I realized how much pain I was in, and was getting really tired and decided to go upstairs and lay down. This also gave the kids time to talk and hang out alone. I did pass out a bit, and woke up my pain was calmer.
My son left with his cousin, and I stayed. My one daughters friend came over, so I hung out with my other daughter in her room, and we watched a show that we usually watch together on Thursday nights! It was so fun, like hanging out as friends.
I left late again, not until like 10:00, got in late with the dog barking, and I felt badly I woke my brother up due to that. I am exhausted again, and am going to bed. I didn't even get the chance to get the rest of my things, I was too tired to go after visiting my daughters. I decided to go back Saturday, my kids will be around all day because they want to stay in with the dogs being in a new home, so I can see them again!
Love and light!
Another Place to Lay My Head
Namaste All
So, I am finally here, here in another world, sort of. It took the kids all day yesterday to move, and my daughter asked me to stay with her dog during the day so he wouldn't have to be alone while they were moving. We thought they would be done by 2:00, and that didn't happen. I stayed at the house alone all day with Jake, cleaning the floors and everything else. There was still last minute things to do, it was never ending. I took a lot of time just laying around with Jake, laying next to him and petting him. I also learned about some trauma work for animals, and practiced on him a few times. They say dogs can have PTSD just like humans, from another dog attacking them, which makes total sense. Well, the first few months we had him, we took him to the dog park, and this occurred more than once. It shock me how dog owners do not take this action very seriously, I had to basically ask the human to leave on day due to his dog attacking mine, and he didn't even want to go! But, Jake seems to bark a lot, and is fearful, and not so sure of other dogs.
The kids didn't get back to the house until around 7:00 pm, and we were all starving, not stopping to eat all day. My daughter and I ate our last quick meal in the foyer on the steps, a gluten free, veggie pizza I had bought yesterday. I picked up food for my son, and a bottle of champagne, and he took it to the girls new apartment to eat it, my daughter was too anxious to stay in the house. Tears were coming to her eyes, as she was so worried about how Jake would now act in a totally new environment. She was anxious to get to her new place, so as everything seemed to be finished, we left. I ran out the back door with last minute things in my hand, along with the bottle of champagne. As I opened the car door, the champagne slipped out from under my arm due to my slippery winter coat, and smash, there went the champagne, spilling all over the driveway next to me as I was getting in my car. I took it as a as sign of letting go, gone, into another place and time. The unknown which I am not very happy about.
We got to their apartment and the place is beautiful! They bought a new couch set, dark brown with gold studs all around the front of the furniture. The floor plan is a very open floor plan, with an island in the middle. There is an upstairs split in two, two bedrooms, each with their own walk in closet and bathroom. I am so very happy for them, it will bring them so much joy and happiness. I helped them unpack the kitchen, and threw their new white dishes in the dishwasher. It was really cute and fun, like playing house all over again! I left by 10:00, so I didn't get into my brothers home for the first night too late. Driving home I cried on and off, saying "good by" to change isn't always so easy. Saying "good by" to Mother hood isn't either. I cried over the things I could have done differently, and should have, so many mistakes I feel I have made. My Shaman showed me how I haven't forgiven myself, and need to. Looking in the mirror and telling myself this made me cry. So many memories filled with serious mistakes, and lessons, sometimes they are too hard to bear. Couldn't that be so? Too hard to "accept", wanting it different, being in resistant to it. There you go, back to the work, the spiritual, psychology work. I will have to go back to those memories, hold myself tight, and plan a different outcome, a loving outcome which comforts me.
I got in the door to my brothers house, only with some sweats to sleep in, leaving everything in the car for the morning to unload. I took my comforter in, and hopped into bed for the night. I feel so exhausted the bed seems like a comforting place to be. Thank you for small things like a place to lay my head tonite.
So, I am finally here, here in another world, sort of. It took the kids all day yesterday to move, and my daughter asked me to stay with her dog during the day so he wouldn't have to be alone while they were moving. We thought they would be done by 2:00, and that didn't happen. I stayed at the house alone all day with Jake, cleaning the floors and everything else. There was still last minute things to do, it was never ending. I took a lot of time just laying around with Jake, laying next to him and petting him. I also learned about some trauma work for animals, and practiced on him a few times. They say dogs can have PTSD just like humans, from another dog attacking them, which makes total sense. Well, the first few months we had him, we took him to the dog park, and this occurred more than once. It shock me how dog owners do not take this action very seriously, I had to basically ask the human to leave on day due to his dog attacking mine, and he didn't even want to go! But, Jake seems to bark a lot, and is fearful, and not so sure of other dogs.
The kids didn't get back to the house until around 7:00 pm, and we were all starving, not stopping to eat all day. My daughter and I ate our last quick meal in the foyer on the steps, a gluten free, veggie pizza I had bought yesterday. I picked up food for my son, and a bottle of champagne, and he took it to the girls new apartment to eat it, my daughter was too anxious to stay in the house. Tears were coming to her eyes, as she was so worried about how Jake would now act in a totally new environment. She was anxious to get to her new place, so as everything seemed to be finished, we left. I ran out the back door with last minute things in my hand, along with the bottle of champagne. As I opened the car door, the champagne slipped out from under my arm due to my slippery winter coat, and smash, there went the champagne, spilling all over the driveway next to me as I was getting in my car. I took it as a as sign of letting go, gone, into another place and time. The unknown which I am not very happy about.
We got to their apartment and the place is beautiful! They bought a new couch set, dark brown with gold studs all around the front of the furniture. The floor plan is a very open floor plan, with an island in the middle. There is an upstairs split in two, two bedrooms, each with their own walk in closet and bathroom. I am so very happy for them, it will bring them so much joy and happiness. I helped them unpack the kitchen, and threw their new white dishes in the dishwasher. It was really cute and fun, like playing house all over again! I left by 10:00, so I didn't get into my brothers home for the first night too late. Driving home I cried on and off, saying "good by" to change isn't always so easy. Saying "good by" to Mother hood isn't either. I cried over the things I could have done differently, and should have, so many mistakes I feel I have made. My Shaman showed me how I haven't forgiven myself, and need to. Looking in the mirror and telling myself this made me cry. So many memories filled with serious mistakes, and lessons, sometimes they are too hard to bear. Couldn't that be so? Too hard to "accept", wanting it different, being in resistant to it. There you go, back to the work, the spiritual, psychology work. I will have to go back to those memories, hold myself tight, and plan a different outcome, a loving outcome which comforts me.
I got in the door to my brothers house, only with some sweats to sleep in, leaving everything in the car for the morning to unload. I took my comforter in, and hopped into bed for the night. I feel so exhausted the bed seems like a comforting place to be. Thank you for small things like a place to lay my head tonite.
Wednesday, Nov 12, the Kids Special Day!
Its Wednesday, November 12th, the kids special day.
Wow, with so much preparation, it's hard to believe today is the day the girls move out. We woke up early, and they went and got a truck all by themselves, and we loaded it up. They left with the goods, all three of them, my daughters and my son, to go to their new home, their new breathe of life! I am so happy for them, so proud of them. To know they want this and can finally be free to fly, to make their own decisions in their life, without their Mother looking down their back.
Wow, with so much preparation, it's hard to believe today is the day the girls move out. We woke up early, and they went and got a truck all by themselves, and we loaded it up. They left with the goods, all three of them, my daughters and my son, to go to their new home, their new breathe of life! I am so happy for them, so proud of them. To know they want this and can finally be free to fly, to make their own decisions in their life, without their Mother looking down their back.
My emotions are all over the place, from crying my eyes out, to being calm. I still had so much stuff left to pack, it seems never ending, every little thing needs to be out, and this house was pretty big for me. The house is 100 years old, and has four bedrooms. There are two living rooms in front of the house along with a foyer, and a large Dining Room, with a Sun room in the back of my house my son used the past year. The upstairs has a foyer with four bedrooms, and two baths. My bedroom was nice and large, along with an east window to have the magnificent sun greet me every morning it rises! My bedroom saved me here, the house is very dark and old feeling, with very dark paneling. I see how dark, ugly and creepy it is with nothing in it, I do not get good vibes in it at all. The only good in here was me and my family, and our animals. The house feels heavy and dark with no one in it. This is for sure the hardest part. I am sitting here now alone with the dogs, so they are not alone when the girls are moving all of their things. When they are finished they will come and get their dogs, and we will all go our way! Oh my, I think I will have a heart attack! This, for sure, will be one of the hardest days of my life, after loosing my children in Court ten years ago and having to live that way. I am so sad as I look back on my life here, here in this house and here in Bergen County. We destroyed ourselves and our family, my ex and I did, and now I have to accept this, let go, and move on. This is so very hard to do. I packed my ex a little envelop with our napkin from our Wedding Day, with a quote, "Today I will marry my best friend, the one I laugh with, live for, love!" I found a stack of them in the basement along with my Wedding Pictures. I found so many old pictures I had never gone through, and they made me cry. I also gave him a few pictures of me and the kids when they were small, and I wrote him a quick note of me being sorry for everything, and always caring about him. He was my life, my children and my family were, and I wish they still were. I wish we still were all together as a family. When I look at the marriages around me, mine was no worse than anyone else's. We did have so much love, yes at the end it was very faded and turned to wanting to hurt each other, but the love was intense and deep. And like I have said, no matter what I do, I still feel connected to him. I am trying to accept what happened to us, and let it go, wishing all of us love and peace. If our paths are meant to cross again, so be it, I am actually open to anything right now that the Universe has to offer me, knowing it is all for my highest good.
I am done raising my children, I have taken care of them as long as they needed, and now it's over on a daily basis. It should be interesting to see where all my energy will go now. I am concerned about working and making some money, but want to work as a Reiki Healer/Life Coach, and Angel Card Reader. I need to figure out how to have clients come to me, so I can do this type of work and not resort back to being a nanny.
Its now two oclock and I have been alone here all day. I have cleaned up the entire house. I am starting to panic, crying, needing to get out of here. I open the front door to take out the garbage and I hear the bell ring, the bell I will never hear ringing for Jake to go outside again. It breaks my heart and makes me cry. It's almost over, my daughter and son are on the way back soon to pick up her dog, Jake, and walk into her new life! I am so excited for them. If I stay focused on them, I feel much better.
I text my brother to remind him I am coming today, and he texts me back, "just for a few weeks, right?" What a nice welcoming, I start to cry, feeling I have no where to go, no where safe, wanted and loved. All alone, being all alone out there, with no one to live with, love and help care for, taking care of each other, scratching one anothers back. I am so very sad now, tears just rolling down. I am going to close up for now, can't bear this a minute longer!
Om Shante Om
Om Shante Om
Last Night in This House
Namaste all day!
So, here it goes, the last night here and I'm not even balling my eyes out! Thank Kate, my Shaman for that, and the Universe of course! She totally connected me to source and brought my guides back in, and when I am sad it is a natural sadness of moving on without my children, not that desperation of disconnection I was feeling. I explained this feeling to her the day I saw her, and she agreed this was a deeper sense of pain, my sense of being disconnected from everything. She did a ceremony with drums and rattles to help reconnect me with my Spirit Guides. Thank Heaven for that session because ever since then, I have not had that feeling of being disconnected at all anymore. Wow, I just really realized that this minute that I no longer have that feeling. Now my feelings are just sad here and there, knowing how much my life is going to change without my children around every day. They will always be with me in my heart and soul, and I will love them forever.
I hope my arrival at my brothers home tomorrow is a pleasant one. He enjoys living alone, and has his son every weekend and one night during the week. He is very private, unlike me who loves people around. I feel as if I am invading his space, so my goal is to stay out of his way, stay in my room all night and create like I do so much of the time anyway. I will cook a nice meal for him the first night I am there, and cook for him most of the time, hoping that will make the transition a loving one, and at least he is getting something great out of it. I have realized today that his property is part woods, so I will have the forest to talk to and hang out in all the time. I also realized another major thing, his neighbor owns horses! Yes, that is right horses! You have no idea the love we have for them, me and especially my one daughter who took lessons when she was ten years old. We have been going to a Dude Ranch for years, since I have been divorced. My daughter always wanted to buy a horse when we went to the Ranch, which is still a dream of mine and ours. Imagine to wake up near some horses, and being able to see them and hang out with them. I will have to wonder there in the next few days and see what the situation is, if they would mind me coming by and petting them only like every day. My brothers dog actually runs over there all the time, I think because they also have a dog there his dog likes to see. This could end up being such a magical experience for me and my daughter, to be able to bond with some horses!
But, for tonight I am anxious about getting to my brothers house tomorrow and unloading all of my things. I hope to do it during the day while he is working if I can get in, I haven't told him what time I was coming yet. I decided to call him tomorrow and tell him I will be coming in the afternoon. I do not want to freak him out about all the stuff I have! I don't want him to think I want to stay long, because I don't. I would love to have a place for January at this point, its almost Thanksgiving and Christmas always comes so fast after that. My first goal though is to start making some cash, and lots of it. I will have to figure out which route to go there once I settle in at my brothers, as I have so many things I want to do, I just have to figure out which one to start with that will bring me money the quickest way. It will all come once I settle in, I feel it, so I am not worried, actually I am excited about it. I have wanted to become an author probably my entire life, so this is also so exciting for me. And to work with one of my soul sisters who is here to transform the world, wow, what else is there??
I am fine, I will be okay, actually better than okay. It's a shame I haven't been so happy here working just to survive and provide for my kids any way I knew how. I wish the money I had after my divorce stayed with me, and I did not blow it all away, to only struggle and survive for ten years. My kids and I deserved better than that, and my body has suffered so. But then, I know, it's all meant to be, all to find the lessons within, so I can come back to myself, and become whole. I would not say it has been fun, I do not even know if I could say it is all worth it, because so much of my life has seemed to be a struggle. Yes, others have had it worse, and I have no idea how they survive here on this earth, and bless those courageous souls.
This too shall pass, they say our time her on earth is just a blink, just a blink, can you even imagine!
Love and light always ~
So, here it goes, the last night here and I'm not even balling my eyes out! Thank Kate, my Shaman for that, and the Universe of course! She totally connected me to source and brought my guides back in, and when I am sad it is a natural sadness of moving on without my children, not that desperation of disconnection I was feeling. I explained this feeling to her the day I saw her, and she agreed this was a deeper sense of pain, my sense of being disconnected from everything. She did a ceremony with drums and rattles to help reconnect me with my Spirit Guides. Thank Heaven for that session because ever since then, I have not had that feeling of being disconnected at all anymore. Wow, I just really realized that this minute that I no longer have that feeling. Now my feelings are just sad here and there, knowing how much my life is going to change without my children around every day. They will always be with me in my heart and soul, and I will love them forever.
I hope my arrival at my brothers home tomorrow is a pleasant one. He enjoys living alone, and has his son every weekend and one night during the week. He is very private, unlike me who loves people around. I feel as if I am invading his space, so my goal is to stay out of his way, stay in my room all night and create like I do so much of the time anyway. I will cook a nice meal for him the first night I am there, and cook for him most of the time, hoping that will make the transition a loving one, and at least he is getting something great out of it. I have realized today that his property is part woods, so I will have the forest to talk to and hang out in all the time. I also realized another major thing, his neighbor owns horses! Yes, that is right horses! You have no idea the love we have for them, me and especially my one daughter who took lessons when she was ten years old. We have been going to a Dude Ranch for years, since I have been divorced. My daughter always wanted to buy a horse when we went to the Ranch, which is still a dream of mine and ours. Imagine to wake up near some horses, and being able to see them and hang out with them. I will have to wonder there in the next few days and see what the situation is, if they would mind me coming by and petting them only like every day. My brothers dog actually runs over there all the time, I think because they also have a dog there his dog likes to see. This could end up being such a magical experience for me and my daughter, to be able to bond with some horses!
But, for tonight I am anxious about getting to my brothers house tomorrow and unloading all of my things. I hope to do it during the day while he is working if I can get in, I haven't told him what time I was coming yet. I decided to call him tomorrow and tell him I will be coming in the afternoon. I do not want to freak him out about all the stuff I have! I don't want him to think I want to stay long, because I don't. I would love to have a place for January at this point, its almost Thanksgiving and Christmas always comes so fast after that. My first goal though is to start making some cash, and lots of it. I will have to figure out which route to go there once I settle in at my brothers, as I have so many things I want to do, I just have to figure out which one to start with that will bring me money the quickest way. It will all come once I settle in, I feel it, so I am not worried, actually I am excited about it. I have wanted to become an author probably my entire life, so this is also so exciting for me. And to work with one of my soul sisters who is here to transform the world, wow, what else is there??
I am fine, I will be okay, actually better than okay. It's a shame I haven't been so happy here working just to survive and provide for my kids any way I knew how. I wish the money I had after my divorce stayed with me, and I did not blow it all away, to only struggle and survive for ten years. My kids and I deserved better than that, and my body has suffered so. But then, I know, it's all meant to be, all to find the lessons within, so I can come back to myself, and become whole. I would not say it has been fun, I do not even know if I could say it is all worth it, because so much of my life has seemed to be a struggle. Yes, others have had it worse, and I have no idea how they survive here on this earth, and bless those courageous souls.
This too shall pass, they say our time her on earth is just a blink, just a blink, can you even imagine!
Love and light always ~
Our Last Day in the House!
Namaste
OMG for sure, this is totally crazy. Here I sit alone in an empty house in my bedroom for the last time, being creative. As I sit here in peace, without a thing barely left in the house besides the mattresses, I get a sense of yucky, dark, energy. Although I have been saging every day for about a week sensing this, it seems to never leave. I don't know how I even got creative here, in this room. Yes I do, it's the sun. The sun rises in my bedroom window, and greets me every morning with love. This is truly what has saved my life here. I always felt bad for my daughter who had the west window bedroom, in the morning her room was still so dark, so hard to greet the day without sunshine to me. How these small things are so important to my feelings of well being. Small but huge when it comes to feelings and emotions. I am trying to see what makes me "feel" good every day, and go with that. It sure is a beautiful, different way of life, but if we can't be happy and have fun, what the hell is the point of it all? Especially if you suffered on this earth like most of us have. I want more, I want it all, and you should to, whatever that is for you.
I know what my dreams are, now I will sit back, relax, and let it all unfold in front of me, just as it should. This time I will be flowing with the river, and not against it, as I have for so many years. It is such a peaceful, relaxing and serene feeling, to trust, let go, and fly! I am excited about this next chapter in my life, and can't wait to see what it will bring. I know I will be working with a very special person, to help accomplish the mission I am meant to for the children here on this earth.
I packed up my car this morning with the help of my hesitant daughter. Sometimes it is hard to understand my children when they are not always so open and willing to help. She is nervous about her dog being in this apartment complex, but I believe in chipping in lovingly when needed. But, I got it done, and it barely fit. I came upstairs and realized there was more stuff up here, so I will have to figure out what to do with it. The process is exhausting, it seems never ending. It is not fun to feel, "out of it", and not settled anywhere. My head is still spinning, and I still have to get to my brothers house tomorrow and unpack everything. I just hope I can get in his house during the day while he is at work. I am not sure if he will want me to though, due to his dog that isn't very loving of people. Either way, I will be there. It just gets dark at 5:00 now, and I would rather move everything in during the day light. It surely is going to be so weird to wake up there, I wonder how I will feel, I can only image I am not going to be very happy waking up without my children ever again. That is why I will have a beautiful home in the future, one where when they are married with children, their children can sleep over all the time. I just want love all around me all the time, why is that so hard to do?
This surely is a tough time on my emotions now, but I already see the blessings of the growth which will occur for my children and myself. We will have a life where we are flourishing, and not just surviving. We did that for too long. I love my children too much to see them unhappy because they need to spread their wings and fly, I am so grateful to the Universe for providing us this opportunity. I am grateful for my children and I for understanding the power of focus, the power of attraction, and that we are creators here on this earth and can manifest whatever we want. This is a result of that, we did it, and I am so proud of them. Now, my daughter's dog needs to adjust well to this move, and I pray the dog near him is one that he loves, and he enjoys his walks out back to go to the bathroom. My daughter is waiting to get him trained for two weeks, so he can overcome whatever fears he has.
I am in so much pain today, I am going to end this and say goodbye! I hope everyone has someone around them that loves them, and to love!
Namaste
OMG for sure, this is totally crazy. Here I sit alone in an empty house in my bedroom for the last time, being creative. As I sit here in peace, without a thing barely left in the house besides the mattresses, I get a sense of yucky, dark, energy. Although I have been saging every day for about a week sensing this, it seems to never leave. I don't know how I even got creative here, in this room. Yes I do, it's the sun. The sun rises in my bedroom window, and greets me every morning with love. This is truly what has saved my life here. I always felt bad for my daughter who had the west window bedroom, in the morning her room was still so dark, so hard to greet the day without sunshine to me. How these small things are so important to my feelings of well being. Small but huge when it comes to feelings and emotions. I am trying to see what makes me "feel" good every day, and go with that. It sure is a beautiful, different way of life, but if we can't be happy and have fun, what the hell is the point of it all? Especially if you suffered on this earth like most of us have. I want more, I want it all, and you should to, whatever that is for you.
I know what my dreams are, now I will sit back, relax, and let it all unfold in front of me, just as it should. This time I will be flowing with the river, and not against it, as I have for so many years. It is such a peaceful, relaxing and serene feeling, to trust, let go, and fly! I am excited about this next chapter in my life, and can't wait to see what it will bring. I know I will be working with a very special person, to help accomplish the mission I am meant to for the children here on this earth.
I packed up my car this morning with the help of my hesitant daughter. Sometimes it is hard to understand my children when they are not always so open and willing to help. She is nervous about her dog being in this apartment complex, but I believe in chipping in lovingly when needed. But, I got it done, and it barely fit. I came upstairs and realized there was more stuff up here, so I will have to figure out what to do with it. The process is exhausting, it seems never ending. It is not fun to feel, "out of it", and not settled anywhere. My head is still spinning, and I still have to get to my brothers house tomorrow and unpack everything. I just hope I can get in his house during the day while he is at work. I am not sure if he will want me to though, due to his dog that isn't very loving of people. Either way, I will be there. It just gets dark at 5:00 now, and I would rather move everything in during the day light. It surely is going to be so weird to wake up there, I wonder how I will feel, I can only image I am not going to be very happy waking up without my children ever again. That is why I will have a beautiful home in the future, one where when they are married with children, their children can sleep over all the time. I just want love all around me all the time, why is that so hard to do?
This surely is a tough time on my emotions now, but I already see the blessings of the growth which will occur for my children and myself. We will have a life where we are flourishing, and not just surviving. We did that for too long. I love my children too much to see them unhappy because they need to spread their wings and fly, I am so grateful to the Universe for providing us this opportunity. I am grateful for my children and I for understanding the power of focus, the power of attraction, and that we are creators here on this earth and can manifest whatever we want. This is a result of that, we did it, and I am so proud of them. Now, my daughter's dog needs to adjust well to this move, and I pray the dog near him is one that he loves, and he enjoys his walks out back to go to the bathroom. My daughter is waiting to get him trained for two weeks, so he can overcome whatever fears he has.
I am in so much pain today, I am going to end this and say goodbye! I hope everyone has someone around them that loves them, and to love!
Namaste
Saturday, November 29, 2014
Sunday ~ Day after Storing My Life Things!!
Hello
Boy, so waking up today felt empty, with my things not being around me I felt lost. Me and the girls were going to Bob's Furniture for them to look for a couch set, and I have a mattress to return because I no longer need it, my brother tells me there is a bed in the room already.
Being in the furniture store with my daughters, they weren't even nice to me. As I was trying to return the mattress I bought, the store did not want to, telling me their policy is no return. I was surprised and shocked at this, a store this big not wanting to return a mattress still in the box never opened? As I argued with them and told them why I didn't need it any longer, because I had no place to stay, and tears came to my eyes, the gentleman finally allowed it. Wow, so much work, all that effort, just to return something brand new, never used, and never opened.
Once that was done, my daughters appeared in line telling me they found living room furniture they wanted to buy, and I was really excited for them, and my excitement was instantly "shut down" by them, by them telling me to "relax and calm down"! Their attitude, the way they made me feel triggered me for sure, I got so upset I had to leave the store. Life gets so sad, so sad to not have the love and support you expect and want from your family, your own children.
I do remember being on stage at Teal Swan's workshop, and her telling me when I got excited as a child it wasn't appreciated, and was shut down. I don't remember this, but funny thing is, most times when I got excited when I was married, my ex did the same thing to me, told me to "relax", or whatever. Shot down my passion, shot down my excitement, which I love about myself. I love that I get excited, that I have love and passion for things, and that I care enough to get emotional about it.
So, when my children reacted this way, it was a trigger for me from childhood, a trigger I should go back and see where it stems from. The root of it from childhood, not the adult version of it now. I was in a mode for months of realizing these triggers, going inside and figuring them out, but the past few months have forgotten this process, due to me being overwhelmed about moving and being without my children, and being alone. I have been working through those feelings of loneliness, trying to see where they stem from.
After leaving the furniture store, there was a TJ Maxx near by, so I stopped there, and took my mind off of my sadness and sense of rejection from them. It did help, it always helps to change my focus. Sometimes when we are too sad, it's more self loving to turn our attention to other things purposely, gain perspective by letting it go, then coming back to the issue isn't so bad.
I wish I knew it all, I wish I had all the answers to this life, to the pain and struggle, sad and loneliness we go through. For what?
Peace Out!
Boy, so waking up today felt empty, with my things not being around me I felt lost. Me and the girls were going to Bob's Furniture for them to look for a couch set, and I have a mattress to return because I no longer need it, my brother tells me there is a bed in the room already.
Being in the furniture store with my daughters, they weren't even nice to me. As I was trying to return the mattress I bought, the store did not want to, telling me their policy is no return. I was surprised and shocked at this, a store this big not wanting to return a mattress still in the box never opened? As I argued with them and told them why I didn't need it any longer, because I had no place to stay, and tears came to my eyes, the gentleman finally allowed it. Wow, so much work, all that effort, just to return something brand new, never used, and never opened.
Once that was done, my daughters appeared in line telling me they found living room furniture they wanted to buy, and I was really excited for them, and my excitement was instantly "shut down" by them, by them telling me to "relax and calm down"! Their attitude, the way they made me feel triggered me for sure, I got so upset I had to leave the store. Life gets so sad, so sad to not have the love and support you expect and want from your family, your own children.
I do remember being on stage at Teal Swan's workshop, and her telling me when I got excited as a child it wasn't appreciated, and was shut down. I don't remember this, but funny thing is, most times when I got excited when I was married, my ex did the same thing to me, told me to "relax", or whatever. Shot down my passion, shot down my excitement, which I love about myself. I love that I get excited, that I have love and passion for things, and that I care enough to get emotional about it.
After leaving the furniture store, there was a TJ Maxx near by, so I stopped there, and took my mind off of my sadness and sense of rejection from them. It did help, it always helps to change my focus. Sometimes when we are too sad, it's more self loving to turn our attention to other things purposely, gain perspective by letting it go, then coming back to the issue isn't so bad.
I wish I knew it all, I wish I had all the answers to this life, to the pain and struggle, sad and loneliness we go through. For what?
Peace Out!
Moving Day ~ Bringing Things to my Brother's Garage
Namaste
Wow, today is moving day. Woke up at 6:30 pretty nervous today. Not hysterical crying that I am "loosing" my kids, thank the Universe for that, but just nervous for the enormous change occurring. I still do not know where I will be living yet, my brother not getting back to me. He is suppose to help me move today, so I will wait to see what happens today. Maybe he didn't call back because he doesn't want me to stay with him, or maybe not. He is one of my brothers that doesn't always get back to me, and that's okay, I know this about him and accept it. For today, just for today, I am grateful it is a sunny day to move, and I have a place to store my furniture because my place fell through! I am grateful my brother will come help and drive the truck, and my children are here to help. I am grateful all of my "life belongings" will be in my brother's garage, close to me when I need it!
I went with my brother to get the truck, a 27' truck, just in case. I have no idea to judge how much room I need for my things, so I decided to take the largest one they had. When we got back to the house after getting the truck, I was surprised to see so much of our furniture already out on the front porch. My daughters were in an excited, energetic mood, I was so happy and surprised to see this. They all really worked hard, and we had the truck packed in an hour and a half. My family was so helpful, nice and kind, no anger, attitude at all! They all chipped in, up and down the stairs, pitching in to get it done. What hard work it is and so very emotional. Nervous, anxious, worried about all of my stuff being packed away and feeling like I will never see it again! Ugh this was truly a hard one, thank God for family and support!
We got lunch along the way, and ate in the car ride down to South Jersey where my brother lives. As I was driving down I had a beautiful sense of contentment, feeling ready for this new chapter in my life, knowing my life as a full time mother is completed. I am happy, I am content, and even excited to see where this new road will take me. Like I have said many times, I know I have so much work here to do to help raise the awareness, and vibration of everyone and anyone I come across! Yes, lots of work ahead of me, work though which is love, a love for what I want to accomplish here on earth! I was actually surprised by all of these emotions, being so calm and content. I had myself so worked up a few days, I just assumed I would be hysterical crying about my feelings towards "loosing" my children! But, it doesn't feel that way at all today. I feel like a very proud mother who has raised her children the best she could with the tools and support she (which was zero!!) It is such a beautiful, content feeling for now.
After arriving at my brothers home, it only took us an hour to unload my life's savings! I just organized everything, it was as if everything they brought into the garage was a baby, and I had to tell them where to put it, needing to know where everything was. We truly do not realize all of the outside influences which affect who we are, our "identity". It's crazy, I feel like all of these "things" are "me", my stuff, my things, who I am. Of course this is not true, and I assume this is why the Buddhists teach "non attachment", I am assuming, not to "attach" ourselves to "things". Why not? Because who are we? We are not our "things" for sure, we are pure light, pure bright awesome beings, here to shine our light so bright, here to manifest and create the life we want, here to be joyfully happy!!
My kids came to help unpack, but came in a separate car, so they left first. I went with my brother to return the truck, and saved money because the gentleman did not charge us for traveling expenses. Thank you Universe for that.
Arriving back at the house was okay. It surely was weird with the house mostly empty. I will sleep here until Wednesday, the day the girls move into their own place! I am truly happy for them, and when I focus on their happiness, it comforts me somewhat. I will have plenty of time to concentrate on myself when they are gone, and I will be so sad. I already am. This is truly a hard one.
Love and Light to all!
Wow, today is moving day. Woke up at 6:30 pretty nervous today. Not hysterical crying that I am "loosing" my kids, thank the Universe for that, but just nervous for the enormous change occurring. I still do not know where I will be living yet, my brother not getting back to me. He is suppose to help me move today, so I will wait to see what happens today. Maybe he didn't call back because he doesn't want me to stay with him, or maybe not. He is one of my brothers that doesn't always get back to me, and that's okay, I know this about him and accept it. For today, just for today, I am grateful it is a sunny day to move, and I have a place to store my furniture because my place fell through! I am grateful my brother will come help and drive the truck, and my children are here to help. I am grateful all of my "life belongings" will be in my brother's garage, close to me when I need it!
I went with my brother to get the truck, a 27' truck, just in case. I have no idea to judge how much room I need for my things, so I decided to take the largest one they had. When we got back to the house after getting the truck, I was surprised to see so much of our furniture already out on the front porch. My daughters were in an excited, energetic mood, I was so happy and surprised to see this. They all really worked hard, and we had the truck packed in an hour and a half. My family was so helpful, nice and kind, no anger, attitude at all! They all chipped in, up and down the stairs, pitching in to get it done. What hard work it is and so very emotional. Nervous, anxious, worried about all of my stuff being packed away and feeling like I will never see it again! Ugh this was truly a hard one, thank God for family and support!
We got lunch along the way, and ate in the car ride down to South Jersey where my brother lives. As I was driving down I had a beautiful sense of contentment, feeling ready for this new chapter in my life, knowing my life as a full time mother is completed. I am happy, I am content, and even excited to see where this new road will take me. Like I have said many times, I know I have so much work here to do to help raise the awareness, and vibration of everyone and anyone I come across! Yes, lots of work ahead of me, work though which is love, a love for what I want to accomplish here on earth! I was actually surprised by all of these emotions, being so calm and content. I had myself so worked up a few days, I just assumed I would be hysterical crying about my feelings towards "loosing" my children! But, it doesn't feel that way at all today. I feel like a very proud mother who has raised her children the best she could with the tools and support she (which was zero!!) It is such a beautiful, content feeling for now. After arriving at my brothers home, it only took us an hour to unload my life's savings! I just organized everything, it was as if everything they brought into the garage was a baby, and I had to tell them where to put it, needing to know where everything was. We truly do not realize all of the outside influences which affect who we are, our "identity". It's crazy, I feel like all of these "things" are "me", my stuff, my things, who I am. Of course this is not true, and I assume this is why the Buddhists teach "non attachment", I am assuming, not to "attach" ourselves to "things". Why not? Because who are we? We are not our "things" for sure, we are pure light, pure bright awesome beings, here to shine our light so bright, here to manifest and create the life we want, here to be joyfully happy!!
My kids came to help unpack, but came in a separate car, so they left first. I went with my brother to return the truck, and saved money because the gentleman did not charge us for traveling expenses. Thank you Universe for that.
Arriving back at the house was okay. It surely was weird with the house mostly empty. I will sleep here until Wednesday, the day the girls move into their own place! I am truly happy for them, and when I focus on their happiness, it comforts me somewhat. I will have plenty of time to concentrate on myself when they are gone, and I will be so sad. I already am. This is truly a hard one.
Love and Light to all!
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Things can Change in an Instant
Namaste
It seems as if the Universe wants to keep me guessing, because I found out yesterday the place I was going to live in fell through. Okay, yes I cried, I was really excited about having my own space, a loving, healing space that people didn't want to leave. I was excited about having family over for dinner, dinner parties, Angel Card Reading gatherings at my place, and so much more. I guess it is not ready to happen yet. I put total trust in the Universe now, to know, it will take me exactly where I should go, as long as I go with an open heart, one of non resistance, faith and trust. I can do that, that is how I live my life now, finally, fluently going with the current, instead of against it. Knowing I do not have all the answers, but I know what to focus on, and know I can manifest what I want, so that is what I work on. Then, I let it go, and try to go along with it. Yes, there are many times I have been in resistance to this, especially when I cry and am so disappointed about an outcome. I did cry because I felt disappointed, and am still sad, but have faith to know I will end up right where I am suppose to. That, in itself, is an amazing breakthrough for me. To not go into a panic and worry mode, to just say. "Okay, it wasn't meant to be". Easy, done, gone.
So, now new choices. I still have to move all of my furniture out tomorrow, so I will follow the schedule as planned. My brother is coming up in the morning to help me move and get the truck and drive it! Him and my son will do all of the heavy work. and me and my daughters will move the boxes and bins. Now that I have no where to stay, I need to store all of my stuff, and my brother offered me his garage, which I will take him up on.
I called one of my brothers this morning to see if I could stay with him awhile until I find a place, I haven't heard back from him yet. Oh boy, this is not fun waiting to see where I will be, what reality where, tomorrow. It is not a good feeling to have your entire home "packed up", your life stuff, and not knowing where it is going to be, not knowing when I will be able to let it all out and see it and use it again. It feels as if your entire "identity" is being put away somewhere, stored for now, and your left raw, alone, without any shelter physically and emotionally.
It's pretty crazy all of these emotions I am going through that were not there before, all because of this move. I really can see now what a big transformation this will be for me also though. My life is an open book now, a free slate, to do anything I want, and be anywhere I want to be. It's about being excited to see where this new road will take me and end up.
I said if I end up living with someone then it is meant to be. Maybe I am not ready to live alone just yet, maybe I need to bring love to one of my brothers if I end up living with someone, maybe I just need to relax mentally, emotionally, and physically right now, without any worries of having my own place right now. Whatever the reason is, I know it will show itself eventually. I may not have the answers yet about this move, but I know that everything is happening just the way it should, all for my highest good. I know the answers will appear as I walk this path daily. I am patient, and just want to know where I will be staying for awhile at this point, I will be happy with that.
I am starting to get pretty stressed now, and getting bad pain in my neck. I think I will go lay down for awhile. I don't like having my stuff not around me, my things, it's starting to upset me and make me panic, so I think I will go lay down, mediate and breathe! I will be in touch soon.
Namaste
My Shaman Appointment
Namaste
She asked me if I have been calling in my guides daily to help me! Oh boy, I forget sometimes. She explained to do this first thing in the morning, every morning, either when I meditate or just in bed before I get up. Wow, another thing I am suppose to remember to do daily, all day, is call upon my guides, have them near my side all day. I will definitely remember to do this in the morning, each morning and night, and throughout the day.
After that exercise she put me on the table, and connected me to my guides and Source. She said my heart was pretty closed, and called upon my guides to help me with her drum and rattle. I have always loved the drums, my brothers use to play around with them as children and I always loved them. One of my favorite Mantras is, Krishna Das, "Om Nama Shivaya", I love the Native American drums. They seem to vibrate deep inside your body, your bones, your DNA, all of it. I listened intently to the music and allowed it to vibrate into my being, resonating with my soul.
I went to the Shaman today, I didn't know what else to do, I was loosing it too much yesterday. She said I will know when I need to come back, and I did. She was so amazing, as usual. She is such a loving, kind soul, who gave me so much information.
I told her how good I have been feeling this year, better than I have in ten years, and then bam, this is happening, my children moving out, and me moving on to a new place, and I can't stop crying knowing I will feel so disconnected and lonely. She explained to pretend there were different levels, and I just advanced to another level. And, in the start of that new level, there is major chaos, change, a way to restart. Just great, just great. So confusing to hear, at least there is some type of explanation in the way of growth. When you are that sad, and that cut off from Source, it is so hard to find one little glare of light. It all seems so dark, so dark when you are in that state of mind. Fear, scared, closed heart, not an open heart. That is where I have been the past few days. "Restart", a new word my Spiritual Mentor just used. Okay, this is good then, the Universe is pushing me to "restart". Only to restart my entire life! Wow, this is crazy.
I told her I am feeling so disconnected, severely disconnected, I can't take it. I don't know how to get through it. Then I told her about my feelings of being disconnected in the past, with my ex husband when I was divorced, my children, and people who have left me. I get this intense feeling of my cord being cut, my energy supply being cut off, it's such an awful feeling, worse than feeling lonely. She explained that it could be ancestral, which is really interesting, explaining my feelings shouldn't be this "intense", and they are. There have been times in the past I have stayed in and cried for days, feeling so disconnected missing my children. She explained that she can do a healing for me, and explained how the process works. The ancestor did not pass over, and is pushing forward whatever issue that is going on in that family. The cool thing is I do not have to do anything, she does it for you, and speaks to the ancestor's spirit and crosses them over. The miracle is this heals every single family member involved, all of my family, my children, etc. How amazing is this, and why isn't this spoken about more? How easy, no work involved like everything else, someone else taking care of it for you, as simple and wonderful as asking the soul to move on, onto the light, onto a better place! I will have her do this later on in the week.
Then she had me do an exercise in the mirror, to tell myself "I love you", "I am worthy", "I forgive you", and "I am enough". Boy, that was really tough, I cried over the I am enough, and I forgive you. That is where my pain lies, I don't feel "enough" without my children, and I can't forgive myself for many past decisions I have made. I will use this little exercise again in the future. It was powerful to say these beautiful words in the mirror looking at yourself, and seeing your own reaction.
That ended my session, and I was so grateful for her work, as I always am. I am honored, she is honored, and we are both blessed with this meeting of love. She asked how I felt, and I told her I didn't know yet, still sad from crying my eyes out.
The rest of my day was still unsettling, cried tons all day on and off again. Oh boy, this is getting pretty tough to deal with, I still need to get some stuff together and do not want to do a thing, and will not.
My daughter was going out and changed her mind, I am glad I will not be alone tonight. I am going to watch a movie with her, I am grateful she is here with me now.
Peace out
Monday, November 3, 2014
Loosing it!
Oh my, my daughter broke down last night, it was so sad and emotional. Moving stirs up old emotions I didn't even realize. She started crying about how I had to give away too many animals, and her being the animal lover she is, it broke her heart every time, although she never said a thing. So strong she is, she tries to be due to the disappointments in her life, and there are many. To start with she couldn't sleep with me during the school week when we first got divorced and she was ten, and she cried and cried all night to be with me, and couldn't. My poor child, why do we make these crazy decisions to come here and suffer this way? No matter what answer I seem to hear, none is ever good enough.
So, after her being so upset she didn't want to talk to me, that put me in a major frenzy! I have been crying all day, so bad I can barely stop. I was feeling so out of control, I wanted to get out of my skin! So bad I feel, I don't know if I can truly get through this today, and each day this week as this is my last week here. Here, being a full time Mother to my three amazing, wonderful children. I can't stop crying, the pain is so unbearable, I don't know what to do. I screamed to Teal and told her how stupid this stuff is, how awful and hard it is, and I want no part of it anymore. Maybe if I didn't start changing, this wouldn't be happening and I would feel safe and secure still. Home, here, with my children and not all alone! No more seeing my daughters every morning with, "Good Morning", no more "Good Nights" either. So sad, no more what do you want for dinner, oh my! I screamed with terror, and cried deep within my heart. Feeling so lonely, worse than lonely, it's that disconnection feeling I have gotten when I dig deep and try to find the "causation" of the feeling. I feel disconnected from everyone, like a cord was ripped from my stomach, my umbilical cord. Like I just got cut off from my energy supply. I felt this way when this guy I knew for a year took off and I felt like my energy supply was cut off, disconnected. Then I felt this way after my Divorce, and my children weren't allowed to sleep with me during the week. Those years were very painful, I felt so disconnected for a very long time. I would stay in and cry for days at a time, missing my children and feeling so disconnected. All of these memories are coming up! It's so not fair.
When I search deeper for that feeling, I may have felt this before as an infant in another lifetime, and it still affects me now. The pain is so bad, so unbearable, I don't know what to do. I have laid on my daughter's bed all day, and it is comforting me. Along with her 100 lb dog, Jake, a lab mix. I love him so much, I will miss him dearly in my home each day because he comforts me when the girls leave for work and I am here, home, no longer! Ugh, this is soooo hard, I bless everyone who has gotten through this.
Last night in bed I remembered to tell her "I love you" all night in bed before falling asleep. I visualized holding her in my arms, rocking her back and forth, comforting her off to sleep. I am so sad. I helped break my children's hearts, there seems to be so much I did that I have regrets for. So much, I could go on and on but I wont. My daughters pain, brought out my pain, for all the mistakes I made as a Mother, blaming myself for everything, knowing what she said was so true. Many times I did not make the smartest choice, with men and finances, and it really lead me on a tough road emotionally, financially and physically.
It is all worth it for what? That's all I want to know, how all of this suffering and pain is worth it!!
I reached out to my Shaman, and she has an appointment for tomorrow morning. Oh boy, that's great, this will truly help, I know it. I don't really want to leave so early when I am so sad and crying, but I need it, so I will go.
I will touch base after and let you know what happens.
Peace
So, after her being so upset she didn't want to talk to me, that put me in a major frenzy! I have been crying all day, so bad I can barely stop. I was feeling so out of control, I wanted to get out of my skin! So bad I feel, I don't know if I can truly get through this today, and each day this week as this is my last week here. Here, being a full time Mother to my three amazing, wonderful children. I can't stop crying, the pain is so unbearable, I don't know what to do. I screamed to Teal and told her how stupid this stuff is, how awful and hard it is, and I want no part of it anymore. Maybe if I didn't start changing, this wouldn't be happening and I would feel safe and secure still. Home, here, with my children and not all alone! No more seeing my daughters every morning with, "Good Morning", no more "Good Nights" either. So sad, no more what do you want for dinner, oh my! I screamed with terror, and cried deep within my heart. Feeling so lonely, worse than lonely, it's that disconnection feeling I have gotten when I dig deep and try to find the "causation" of the feeling. I feel disconnected from everyone, like a cord was ripped from my stomach, my umbilical cord. Like I just got cut off from my energy supply. I felt this way when this guy I knew for a year took off and I felt like my energy supply was cut off, disconnected. Then I felt this way after my Divorce, and my children weren't allowed to sleep with me during the week. Those years were very painful, I felt so disconnected for a very long time. I would stay in and cry for days at a time, missing my children and feeling so disconnected. All of these memories are coming up! It's so not fair.
When I search deeper for that feeling, I may have felt this before as an infant in another lifetime, and it still affects me now. The pain is so bad, so unbearable, I don't know what to do. I have laid on my daughter's bed all day, and it is comforting me. Along with her 100 lb dog, Jake, a lab mix. I love him so much, I will miss him dearly in my home each day because he comforts me when the girls leave for work and I am here, home, no longer! Ugh, this is soooo hard, I bless everyone who has gotten through this.
Last night in bed I remembered to tell her "I love you" all night in bed before falling asleep. I visualized holding her in my arms, rocking her back and forth, comforting her off to sleep. I am so sad. I helped break my children's hearts, there seems to be so much I did that I have regrets for. So much, I could go on and on but I wont. My daughters pain, brought out my pain, for all the mistakes I made as a Mother, blaming myself for everything, knowing what she said was so true. Many times I did not make the smartest choice, with men and finances, and it really lead me on a tough road emotionally, financially and physically.
It is all worth it for what? That's all I want to know, how all of this suffering and pain is worth it!!
I reached out to my Shaman, and she has an appointment for tomorrow morning. Oh boy, that's great, this will truly help, I know it. I don't really want to leave so early when I am so sad and crying, but I need it, so I will go.
I will touch base after and let you know what happens.
Peace
Not Happy with these Chages!
Namaste all Day
Oh boy, this has gotten harder as the time has gotten closer to go. To go away from my home here, my life here, and my children here. I have gotten so sad, been doing lots of crying, releasing, allowing it to come. It has not been fun, but I know it is all a process. A process I have to go through right now, a "Right of Passage", where one major moment sends you into an entirely different reality! Ugh, today, its ugh! It is not only about being alone because I am very independent and love to be alone when I am writing, reading, painting, drawing, etc. But, I am also very social and love people, and love being a Mom, a role I no longer will hold in the same way. I will never again be the Mother they have next to them every day. I will no longer be the one they get to vent to daily in front of me, or let go into if need be. I will no longer be able to cook them dinner any night I want, to call them and ask them when they will be home, to text them at 3:00 am and ask them where they are. My role is done, gone, for now.
Yes, of course I will always be their Mother, we will always have each other, but not in the same role at all, obviously. Yes, I will get use to it, I have to, I have no choice but to. But, I realize it is a process, I will be sad to have this part of my life end, end forever. It saddens me so much that we were divorced, splitting up my family, and my children being taken away from me when they could not sleep at my home during the school year for a few years. Yes, my ex husband did fight for custody, and somehow got his way, due to his connections in the Court, and due to how corrupt Bergen County is, Hackensack Court House. But, that is way over with, but I still feel those feelings of loss and separation with my children during that time. And then, I am suppose to go back even further with those feelings and see where they truly come from. I felt very lonely and alone as a child in my house growing up, and felt very scared. No one was ever there for me emotionally, and my brothers and I fought all the time, physical too, along with my parents who argued daily. The house was filled with turmoil, and I ignored it all growing up. Being very social helped me avoid my home, always hanging out in others homes when I could and even sleeping out all the time in High School. But, as a young child I was stuck there, and tuned it all out. Now I can remember the pain and sadness laying in bed wondering if my Mom was okay, but I do not have many memories as a child there. So, I try to work through this feeling of loneliness and being disconnected from my children soon, too soon, like only nine days away!
Yes, sometimes I loose it and have a total breakdown, I will cry and cry, let it out, and comfort myself telling myself it will be okay, it is time. It is time for them to move on, grow and spread their wings and fly. I am so blessed to have had them an extra four years, as they did not go away to College. I love them dearly and never, ever, thought the time would come for them to be grown up and on their own. I actually didn't even think of it until last year when my daughter brought it up. I cried for a month and seemed to have gotten over it then. But, now it is happening, thanks to me also, encouraging them they can do this, they can manifest it if they want because that is how the Universe works. And each time I came home from my Spiritual Event for the weekend, with a shift in my energy, I could see and just feel how unhappy they were still living with their "Mom". I realized how much healthier it would be for them now to be on their own, that it is time. So, we did it by thinking positive thoughts, and looking for a place they wanted to live in, and it happened for them! So, I am truly excited to see them grow into young, mature, responsible woman, knowing they can do anything they want to!
For me, well, I am slower at accepting my new life for sure. I am not going to be so happy about waking up alone, only worrying about me, and going to bed alone. I love people, I am very social, I am one of seven children, when I was married I was close to my two sister in laws and we got together every day with our 11 children combined! To say I have had my fill of people, and love, and arguing is an understatement. But, I know how important it is to connect with your loved ones, and stay connected. And now I do not currently have a job that I go to daily to stay connected to anyone. So, I am feeling
Oh boy, this has gotten harder as the time has gotten closer to go. To go away from my home here, my life here, and my children here. I have gotten so sad, been doing lots of crying, releasing, allowing it to come. It has not been fun, but I know it is all a process. A process I have to go through right now, a "Right of Passage", where one major moment sends you into an entirely different reality! Ugh, today, its ugh! It is not only about being alone because I am very independent and love to be alone when I am writing, reading, painting, drawing, etc. But, I am also very social and love people, and love being a Mom, a role I no longer will hold in the same way. I will never again be the Mother they have next to them every day. I will no longer be the one they get to vent to daily in front of me, or let go into if need be. I will no longer be able to cook them dinner any night I want, to call them and ask them when they will be home, to text them at 3:00 am and ask them where they are. My role is done, gone, for now.
Yes, of course I will always be their Mother, we will always have each other, but not in the same role at all, obviously. Yes, I will get use to it, I have to, I have no choice but to. But, I realize it is a process, I will be sad to have this part of my life end, end forever. It saddens me so much that we were divorced, splitting up my family, and my children being taken away from me when they could not sleep at my home during the school year for a few years. Yes, my ex husband did fight for custody, and somehow got his way, due to his connections in the Court, and due to how corrupt Bergen County is, Hackensack Court House. But, that is way over with, but I still feel those feelings of loss and separation with my children during that time. And then, I am suppose to go back even further with those feelings and see where they truly come from. I felt very lonely and alone as a child in my house growing up, and felt very scared. No one was ever there for me emotionally, and my brothers and I fought all the time, physical too, along with my parents who argued daily. The house was filled with turmoil, and I ignored it all growing up. Being very social helped me avoid my home, always hanging out in others homes when I could and even sleeping out all the time in High School. But, as a young child I was stuck there, and tuned it all out. Now I can remember the pain and sadness laying in bed wondering if my Mom was okay, but I do not have many memories as a child there. So, I try to work through this feeling of loneliness and being disconnected from my children soon, too soon, like only nine days away!
Yes, sometimes I loose it and have a total breakdown, I will cry and cry, let it out, and comfort myself telling myself it will be okay, it is time. It is time for them to move on, grow and spread their wings and fly. I am so blessed to have had them an extra four years, as they did not go away to College. I love them dearly and never, ever, thought the time would come for them to be grown up and on their own. I actually didn't even think of it until last year when my daughter brought it up. I cried for a month and seemed to have gotten over it then. But, now it is happening, thanks to me also, encouraging them they can do this, they can manifest it if they want because that is how the Universe works. And each time I came home from my Spiritual Event for the weekend, with a shift in my energy, I could see and just feel how unhappy they were still living with their "Mom". I realized how much healthier it would be for them now to be on their own, that it is time. So, we did it by thinking positive thoughts, and looking for a place they wanted to live in, and it happened for them! So, I am truly excited to see them grow into young, mature, responsible woman, knowing they can do anything they want to!
For me, well, I am slower at accepting my new life for sure. I am not going to be so happy about waking up alone, only worrying about me, and going to bed alone. I love people, I am very social, I am one of seven children, when I was married I was close to my two sister in laws and we got together every day with our 11 children combined! To say I have had my fill of people, and love, and arguing is an understatement. But, I know how important it is to connect with your loved ones, and stay connected. And now I do not currently have a job that I go to daily to stay connected to anyone. So, I am feeling
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Feeling so Disconnected, but new relief to a home!
Boy, have my feelings been going up and down crazy. I have been feeling sad lately, missing my soul family, I can't even explain it. I'm feeling like I have so many different realities now, which I guess I do. They are not from here, this place I am in now, this awake state. They are in my travels to other cities, and in my dreams connecting. But today I have a big sense of feeling disconnected from them, and everyone, everything. I suppose me moving in two weeks has something to do with it. I have plans to be with my Spiritual Mentor in December, but am worried about where I will stay now, due to the silly drama some of the girls are having. I do not want to be involved, nor take sides. I feel we each should handle each other alone, very privately, and not have to tell anyone else our problems with the other people we encounter. We are all struggling right now in this spiritual community, and are doing the best we can do. When we realize that we can let go of the pain they are causing us by their words, and realize they are only suffering and we are a trigger to them.
Walk away, go our own way and avoid them, that is my advice. That is what I have been doing, staying away from whoever I do not resonate with, the ones who have hurt me with their words, and surround myself with the ones who shower me with love. Love is all there is, and it is very true. I finally realized one of the girls who went after me and said some hurtful things to me for no reason at all, really just wanted love and attention to me. Because we did not connect that one day, she wrote some things to me that were not very cool, and were hurtful. Of course I was upset and hurt, feeling I was never nasty to her, and not needing this from anyone in this spiritual community.
Then, weeks later, I realized she was just hurt. Hurt because she wanted to connect and we did not. Of course she has free will and could have started to talk to me and did not, instead she blamed me. I wish her and anyone else that our paths have chosen a different road for now, much love and light on their way, until we meet again for sure!
I am so very grateful to have found this community for love. Even with the drama, the Love totally conquers all, you just have to watch who you give your energy to. I know who I love, I know who I am drawn to innately, and that is all I need to know with them.
But, I do have awesome news I found out yesterday, the hoarders moved out of where I want to live and I can have the place! You have no idea how relieved I am. Although I put total trust in the Universe to put me where I needed to be, that faith was a blessing to have. I have been focusing on envisioning myself living in the place, along with all of my furniture and where I am going to place it. And, look, it's happened and I am thrilled. I am so looking forward to having loving friends and family in my space finally, after all these years. We use to entertain as a family constantly, every child's birthday, adult's birthday, holiday, every Sunday, boy we were always entertaining and enjoying our families. Those years are long gone, so I am grateful and thrilled to be able to start doing this again. Thank you Universe, once again, for coming through for me!
So, November 8th, yep, a Saturday I go. I am going to ask my girlfriend from High School if she will sleep over the night I move in. If she did I feel I would wake up feeling like I was in High School again with her, and I would be like, okay great what do I want to do today? With no worries, no stress, just following my joy each and everyday, wow, what relief that feels like already. I like it, I truly, truly like it. Just allowing the energy of money to flow into my life any way it would like, to pay my bills and allow me to buy a home. Or have someone else send this all to me, either way, I'm good!
I love you all, I hope you all find your way into the light each and every day!
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Then, weeks later, I realized she was just hurt. Hurt because she wanted to connect and we did not. Of course she has free will and could have started to talk to me and did not, instead she blamed me. I wish her and anyone else that our paths have chosen a different road for now, much love and light on their way, until we meet again for sure!
I am so very grateful to have found this community for love. Even with the drama, the Love totally conquers all, you just have to watch who you give your energy to. I know who I love, I know who I am drawn to innately, and that is all I need to know with them.
But, I do have awesome news I found out yesterday, the hoarders moved out of where I want to live and I can have the place! You have no idea how relieved I am. Although I put total trust in the Universe to put me where I needed to be, that faith was a blessing to have. I have been focusing on envisioning myself living in the place, along with all of my furniture and where I am going to place it. And, look, it's happened and I am thrilled. I am so looking forward to having loving friends and family in my space finally, after all these years. We use to entertain as a family constantly, every child's birthday, adult's birthday, holiday, every Sunday, boy we were always entertaining and enjoying our families. Those years are long gone, so I am grateful and thrilled to be able to start doing this again. Thank you Universe, once again, for coming through for me!
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I love you all, I hope you all find your way into the light each and every day!
Another Cold, Rainy Day
Hello
Oh boy, another rainy day. This rain and cold weather is getting to me. I can't even motivate myself to pack, so I have just been fooling around all day probably not even accomplishing a thing.
I did get on Face book a lot, and missed an amazing trip to Utah with my soul family. I am so bummed about that, it still upsets me that I chose not to go, I even had a plane ticket to go. And my best buddy went, and even got a house for everyone the last minute. All I needed was a little nudge, someone to say, come on, we want you there. I know I should already know that, but it's obvious I lack something, self love, self worth, stuff I am still working on obviously. Sometimes if you are not sure what to do, it is nice to know someone cares enough to tell you they would love to see you, they want you to go. I think I have been the one my entire life calling everyone and asking to come by, not waiting for others to call me and invite me. Why would that be so? Will they never invite me being too busy with their own lives, not being able to find the time to fit me in, or not wanting to fit me in? Not in a hurtful or personal way, but if anyone truly wanted to see me and spend time with me, they would. I wouldn't have to be the one always reaching out to others inviting myself over, or calling them all the time. I am so tired of doing that, I have decided to stop that a few months ago, and I do not hear from those people as often either. The Universe will send me others who really want my company and want me in their life because they enjoy being with me. But, these soul friends would never know that, that I just needed a little pull, that's my issue. There were other reasons I didn't want to go also, but when I spoke to my friend and she was busy packing and got a house for everyone, I truly thought of going, and said I would think about it, I truly would have loved to have seen her, and the others.
But, for some reason, I talked myself out of it. I am confused because I thought I was better at listening to my guides, and knowing what to do because they are always with me and I am always listening. But, I am second guessing this and feel I truly missed one of the best Workshops ever, in one of the most beautiful places, Utah! Wow, I could have been there, and really enjoyed all that loving from everyone, and would have come home super high as I usually do.
California really threw me off, I didn't like the energy at all there, feeling like so many were disconnected. I met some awesome people from the Workshop, but I was in a strange place that entire weekend. The first problem was that my motel was awful, I cried when I saw it. I should have found another place instantly, but decided to just "deal with it". Little did I know it would hurt my time there. The second problem is when I was trying to find everyone on the Beach in Venice Friday night, I could not, and I walked around for 45 minutes freezing in the cool breeze and being really unhappy. I was blaming others for me not being able to find where they were on the beach, and couldn't understand why no one could help me to find them. It was a bad experience, and while I was waiting for my ride back to the motel, the energy on the streets by the bars on the pier, was one I didn't like. It felt creepy to me, I can't really explain it, I just couldn't wait to leave.
The energy at the workshop was even different than the others I have attended. Some of the ones chosen to talk to Teal, didn't open their heart. Being somewhat arrogant, and almost questioning her on her abilities. It was confusing to watch, wondering why they raised their hand in the first place and were chosen.
The gathering at the house that night was awesome, so loving and fun. It is beautiful to meet new people who love Teal, and always awesome to see my old friends, my soul family from long ago, and it keeps growing! We had a singing session for awhile, thanks to Chris starting that. The funny thing is I just found the Beatles music again on you tube, my brothers listened to them in the 70's, and I got caught up in other music when my children were growing up, music they listened to. So, after finding the Beatles again, I am so in love, their songs are so amazing, so filled with love and the music is a great mood lifter, well most of it anyway.
So, as we were sitting in the living room in the Los Angeles house, Chris pulls out a guitar and starts jamming all Beatle songs! Oh my, how funny is that? Not a coincidence, but a synchronicity for sure. It was a lot of fun, and created even better memories of these Beatle's songs! We hung out pretty late. We even saw some UFO's in the sky, with some of my friends totally into it, watching the UFO in the sky very far away, but moving back and forth closer to us.
So, now I will plan for Florida, but I am still hurt over Utah. I have to figure out a way to get some motivation to finish packing this house, I guess I will start tomorrow, another day. Tonight I am going to attack my bedroom, and all the papers in it. Once I start, I get into it, it's just the starting! I am going now to make some soup for the girls while I am still with them and can cook for them, I do not cook every day anymore. We all eat such different things, and when I cook daily for myself, the kids do not always like it because of the way I eat, no meat, no dairy, and I follow an Ayurveda diet for myself, which comes along with alot of restrictions. Many times I do cook, and they do not want to eat either, each day is so different.
Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy yourself and your life, if we can't what's the point of living?
Namaste all day!
Oh boy, another rainy day. This rain and cold weather is getting to me. I can't even motivate myself to pack, so I have just been fooling around all day probably not even accomplishing a thing.
I did get on Face book a lot, and missed an amazing trip to Utah with my soul family. I am so bummed about that, it still upsets me that I chose not to go, I even had a plane ticket to go. And my best buddy went, and even got a house for everyone the last minute. All I needed was a little nudge, someone to say, come on, we want you there. I know I should already know that, but it's obvious I lack something, self love, self worth, stuff I am still working on obviously. Sometimes if you are not sure what to do, it is nice to know someone cares enough to tell you they would love to see you, they want you to go. I think I have been the one my entire life calling everyone and asking to come by, not waiting for others to call me and invite me. Why would that be so? Will they never invite me being too busy with their own lives, not being able to find the time to fit me in, or not wanting to fit me in? Not in a hurtful or personal way, but if anyone truly wanted to see me and spend time with me, they would. I wouldn't have to be the one always reaching out to others inviting myself over, or calling them all the time. I am so tired of doing that, I have decided to stop that a few months ago, and I do not hear from those people as often either. The Universe will send me others who really want my company and want me in their life because they enjoy being with me. But, these soul friends would never know that, that I just needed a little pull, that's my issue. There were other reasons I didn't want to go also, but when I spoke to my friend and she was busy packing and got a house for everyone, I truly thought of going, and said I would think about it, I truly would have loved to have seen her, and the others. But, for some reason, I talked myself out of it. I am confused because I thought I was better at listening to my guides, and knowing what to do because they are always with me and I am always listening. But, I am second guessing this and feel I truly missed one of the best Workshops ever, in one of the most beautiful places, Utah! Wow, I could have been there, and really enjoyed all that loving from everyone, and would have come home super high as I usually do.
California really threw me off, I didn't like the energy at all there, feeling like so many were disconnected. I met some awesome people from the Workshop, but I was in a strange place that entire weekend. The first problem was that my motel was awful, I cried when I saw it. I should have found another place instantly, but decided to just "deal with it". Little did I know it would hurt my time there. The second problem is when I was trying to find everyone on the Beach in Venice Friday night, I could not, and I walked around for 45 minutes freezing in the cool breeze and being really unhappy. I was blaming others for me not being able to find where they were on the beach, and couldn't understand why no one could help me to find them. It was a bad experience, and while I was waiting for my ride back to the motel, the energy on the streets by the bars on the pier, was one I didn't like. It felt creepy to me, I can't really explain it, I just couldn't wait to leave.
The energy at the workshop was even different than the others I have attended. Some of the ones chosen to talk to Teal, didn't open their heart. Being somewhat arrogant, and almost questioning her on her abilities. It was confusing to watch, wondering why they raised their hand in the first place and were chosen.
The gathering at the house that night was awesome, so loving and fun. It is beautiful to meet new people who love Teal, and always awesome to see my old friends, my soul family from long ago, and it keeps growing! We had a singing session for awhile, thanks to Chris starting that. The funny thing is I just found the Beatles music again on you tube, my brothers listened to them in the 70's, and I got caught up in other music when my children were growing up, music they listened to. So, after finding the Beatles again, I am so in love, their songs are so amazing, so filled with love and the music is a great mood lifter, well most of it anyway.
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So, now I will plan for Florida, but I am still hurt over Utah. I have to figure out a way to get some motivation to finish packing this house, I guess I will start tomorrow, another day. Tonight I am going to attack my bedroom, and all the papers in it. Once I start, I get into it, it's just the starting! I am going now to make some soup for the girls while I am still with them and can cook for them, I do not cook every day anymore. We all eat such different things, and when I cook daily for myself, the kids do not always like it because of the way I eat, no meat, no dairy, and I follow an Ayurveda diet for myself, which comes along with alot of restrictions. Many times I do cook, and they do not want to eat either, each day is so different.
Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy yourself and your life, if we can't what's the point of living?
Namaste all day!
Saturday, October 25, 2014
It's All Good, deciding what to focus on!
Namaste
So many changes all the time, wow, life never changed so fast before. I use to love change, now, after moving so many times with my kids growing up, I want stability, security, and moving does not give me that. But, the contrast is telling me to manifest my own home, my own, a nice sense of stability and comfort for me. A home I can do anything to, and have family over for dinner and fun times always. I love entertaining, and we always did, but since I have been here in this house, I haven't done it very often. And being an hour away from my family, makes it more of a hassle for my family to come. I don't have many friends, my family is the base of my friendships. I am asking the Universe to send me more like minded souls, that live near me so I can hang out with them and feel young again. It is so nice to connect with loved ones when you do not have a spouse. That sense of connection is gone, its just you and Source. And, sometimes you get lost, lost and sad on your own, like I have gotten many times. Yes, the light always does shine bright the next day, but the contrast still exists.
So, today I ran errands with my daughters, it was interesting. They are both always in such a rush, not realizing the enjoyment of the moment. They see many things as a "problem" and complain at times. I am wondering how they expect to shine, and find love and peace in the world, when they are sending out such toxic words, and thoughts. I can not tell them any longer, having said it many times before. I wish I could snap my fingers and help them see in a second how quick it is to change your thoughts, thus change your life, your reality to abundance of infinite love and gratitude! I love them dearly, and hold them in the light. Sometimes when I am positive, they have to shoot it down with their negative. It's like I felt with my ex, when I am happy, or do something fun or funny, they get "annoyed" and cop some crazy attitude towards me. I realized I haven't allowed myself to shine because the way I feel around them. How could I get to the place I want to on this journey with the way this makes me feel? I certainly could not, I am grateful for this move and change now, boy what a change in my thoughts. My daughter actually told me today that when she moved out she didn't want to see me much, she wants to live her life herself. I didn't even get upset, not taking it personal, but it was shocking to hear her say this. I already told myself I will totally let go, when they want me around or to talk, they can call. I will not bug them, just send them love texts here and there. I know it will be okay, and we will all be safe, and heal, and totally shine our light out to the world, but most importantly, within ourselves!
I have decided to be concentrating on the future. I picture myself where I will be living, although we did not finalize it yet. It is a nice, cozy place in a a community where I will have instant clients to work with. I want to teach some yoga classes there, and some Energy Classes I have made up with the energy work of Donna Eden's. There is also a new Senior Citizen building in Monroe near my brother, and I am going to stop by there and talk to them about my programs as well. I also am going to concentrate on getting the love out to the kids in the School systems, telling them how bright they are and how they are here to shine their light. Also, to work with the "bullies", who just need love too. I am excited about this, and have a friend I met when I went back to The College of New Jersey and she was in my Psych class, and told me about the bully program she ran in one school system. I want to get the foundation from her, and add my teachings from Teal Swan, putting them in children's words. I also have written a few children's books, and will be publishing those books, and want to give them out to the children as well. So much fun this will be for me. So, like I said I will be busy and have a lot to concentrate on.
I also want to publish my adult book, the same name as this blog, "My Spiritual Journey to Self Love". Can't wait, to finally have these dreams come true for me. I know I need to be alone to be able to totally focus on this, and to have a sense of love, peace and harmony around me all the time. Then I will have my home on the lake, a healing home, where friends and family can come to hang out, vent, cry, laugh, have fun and heal! What a joy to have others come into my space of love, and cook for them, and hang out in beautiful mother earth, and enjoy one another's company?
Yes, it will be a totally different life, but now it is one I am excited about and looking forward too. I have been packing only a little yesterday and today, but it's okay, I am taking my time going through everything. Today I found old letters from John, and from me to him, After reading most of them, I put them in the fireplace and burnt them. They were sad, most of my letters were about blaming myself for all of our problems, how I didn't treat him nice enough, etc. This was actually new for me, I never realized I felt this way. I remember him hurting me with his words and I had to run away into another room, or even outside. It became very hard and very sad at the end, he was so angry and hurt and lashed out to me. For when you love someone so much and feel so connected to them, when they hurt you your first reaction is to hurt back. But, now I understand his pain more, and feel badly that we both hurt each other so much. I know he is part of my soul family many times over, and I still feel very connected to him, even though I have cut cords from us many times. I hope we can become friends someday soon. He needs others in his life now, and has a beautiful daughter who is a year and a half old. I have infinite love for her, It is a beautiful thing. She is the miracle in his life, the one to awaken him, and show him unconditional love. She has brought him and my children back together, and I am grateful for that. We need to become friends soon so I can become part of her life as I am suppose to be. I am waiting for the Universe to make this happen. I am trusting the Universe will put me where I should be, physically, emotionally, mentally and physically. I am ready, here I go to fly!
I realize I have so much to be grateful for, and on my spiritual journey, I remember to give gratitude daily, many times throughout the day as well. It makes the way so much nicer, and easier, as the Universe sends you more and more to be grateful for!
Much Love and Light to all!!
So many changes all the time, wow, life never changed so fast before. I use to love change, now, after moving so many times with my kids growing up, I want stability, security, and moving does not give me that. But, the contrast is telling me to manifest my own home, my own, a nice sense of stability and comfort for me. A home I can do anything to, and have family over for dinner and fun times always. I love entertaining, and we always did, but since I have been here in this house, I haven't done it very often. And being an hour away from my family, makes it more of a hassle for my family to come. I don't have many friends, my family is the base of my friendships. I am asking the Universe to send me more like minded souls, that live near me so I can hang out with them and feel young again. It is so nice to connect with loved ones when you do not have a spouse. That sense of connection is gone, its just you and Source. And, sometimes you get lost, lost and sad on your own, like I have gotten many times. Yes, the light always does shine bright the next day, but the contrast still exists.
So, today I ran errands with my daughters, it was interesting. They are both always in such a rush, not realizing the enjoyment of the moment. They see many things as a "problem" and complain at times. I am wondering how they expect to shine, and find love and peace in the world, when they are sending out such toxic words, and thoughts. I can not tell them any longer, having said it many times before. I wish I could snap my fingers and help them see in a second how quick it is to change your thoughts, thus change your life, your reality to abundance of infinite love and gratitude! I love them dearly, and hold them in the light. Sometimes when I am positive, they have to shoot it down with their negative. It's like I felt with my ex, when I am happy, or do something fun or funny, they get "annoyed" and cop some crazy attitude towards me. I realized I haven't allowed myself to shine because the way I feel around them. How could I get to the place I want to on this journey with the way this makes me feel? I certainly could not, I am grateful for this move and change now, boy what a change in my thoughts. My daughter actually told me today that when she moved out she didn't want to see me much, she wants to live her life herself. I didn't even get upset, not taking it personal, but it was shocking to hear her say this. I already told myself I will totally let go, when they want me around or to talk, they can call. I will not bug them, just send them love texts here and there. I know it will be okay, and we will all be safe, and heal, and totally shine our light out to the world, but most importantly, within ourselves!
I have decided to be concentrating on the future. I picture myself where I will be living, although we did not finalize it yet. It is a nice, cozy place in a a community where I will have instant clients to work with. I want to teach some yoga classes there, and some Energy Classes I have made up with the energy work of Donna Eden's. There is also a new Senior Citizen building in Monroe near my brother, and I am going to stop by there and talk to them about my programs as well. I also am going to concentrate on getting the love out to the kids in the School systems, telling them how bright they are and how they are here to shine their light. Also, to work with the "bullies", who just need love too. I am excited about this, and have a friend I met when I went back to The College of New Jersey and she was in my Psych class, and told me about the bully program she ran in one school system. I want to get the foundation from her, and add my teachings from Teal Swan, putting them in children's words. I also have written a few children's books, and will be publishing those books, and want to give them out to the children as well. So much fun this will be for me. So, like I said I will be busy and have a lot to concentrate on.
I also want to publish my adult book, the same name as this blog, "My Spiritual Journey to Self Love". Can't wait, to finally have these dreams come true for me. I know I need to be alone to be able to totally focus on this, and to have a sense of love, peace and harmony around me all the time. Then I will have my home on the lake, a healing home, where friends and family can come to hang out, vent, cry, laugh, have fun and heal! What a joy to have others come into my space of love, and cook for them, and hang out in beautiful mother earth, and enjoy one another's company?
Yes, it will be a totally different life, but now it is one I am excited about and looking forward too. I have been packing only a little yesterday and today, but it's okay, I am taking my time going through everything. Today I found old letters from John, and from me to him, After reading most of them, I put them in the fireplace and burnt them. They were sad, most of my letters were about blaming myself for all of our problems, how I didn't treat him nice enough, etc. This was actually new for me, I never realized I felt this way. I remember him hurting me with his words and I had to run away into another room, or even outside. It became very hard and very sad at the end, he was so angry and hurt and lashed out to me. For when you love someone so much and feel so connected to them, when they hurt you your first reaction is to hurt back. But, now I understand his pain more, and feel badly that we both hurt each other so much. I know he is part of my soul family many times over, and I still feel very connected to him, even though I have cut cords from us many times. I hope we can become friends someday soon. He needs others in his life now, and has a beautiful daughter who is a year and a half old. I have infinite love for her, It is a beautiful thing. She is the miracle in his life, the one to awaken him, and show him unconditional love. She has brought him and my children back together, and I am grateful for that. We need to become friends soon so I can become part of her life as I am suppose to be. I am waiting for the Universe to make this happen. I am trusting the Universe will put me where I should be, physically, emotionally, mentally and physically. I am ready, here I go to fly!
I realize I have so much to be grateful for, and on my spiritual journey, I remember to give gratitude daily, many times throughout the day as well. It makes the way so much nicer, and easier, as the Universe sends you more and more to be grateful for!
Much Love and Light to all!!
My Energy Healing Class
Namaste ~
I attended an Energy Healing Class created by Donna Eden, who is an author and wrote about energy techniques she taught herself to facilitate in her own healing process. I am a Reiki Practioner, and am very familiar with Energy Healing, Once you open your mind up and realize we are all energy, then you will realize how important Energy work is, and it could become your first choice of healing. Just like acupuncture, which opens up the meridians which carry the energy throughout your body, this process works on the same principle. There are certain poses that help with moving energy in our body, and specific points to tap on or massage to do the same.
This class was very exciting for me. I was a gymnast in College, and it was the love of my life. I enjoy exercise and moving my body, especially for reasons such as this, to get the energy flowing in my body so it can heal itself. I haven't been exercising regularly, but have started doing yoga daily at home due to the body pain I have been feeling. I have realized daily stretching, such as yoga, helps to calm my muscle spasms down.
Since my body has suffered in pain most of my lifetime, and I am always interested in any type of alternative healing solution. We were given diagrams so we could see the meridian patterns in our bodies, and pictures of each exercise, making them easy to remember and do at home. She created a daily program to help increase the energy flow in our bodies in order for it to function properly.
What I love about this Energy Work is that I can teach it to others, for them to do themselves. With Reiki Healing, there is a Practitioner facilitating in the healing of someone. With this process, you are the healer healing yourself. Donna Eden has created movements that will facilitate the same type of energy movement in your body, as in other forms of Energy Healing someone needs to do to you. Sometimes it is very beneficial and self loving to have help in our healing, so both types of Energy Work are wonderful. It is wonderful to be able to have tools to increase your energy flow, to facilitate in our own healing, and to have help if needed as well.
The woman teaching the class was great. She gave us a hand made booklet, and went though it. Most of the class consisted of woman my age and older, having had serious health issues. There seems to be such simple techniques we can do with our bodies, to help our energy flow which facilitates healing, which is so exciting for me. I have always been interested in this type of stuff, without many others to help support it though. The woman made the class open and fun, and she enlightened me a great deal on the flow of energy in our bodies, how it runs through the meridians, and how there is a specific pattern of energy flow for each organ. Wow, this information everyone needs to know about I tell myself, and the younger the better. I tell myself I also really need to teach this to the Senior Citizens to help enhance their healing, and energy flow. This will be an interesting new part of my journey. I am grateful and blessed to have the Universe send it to me now, while I want to help others to learn how to heal themselves. Thank you my most enlightened being of all, I love you!
Namaste, Love and Light to you always!
I attended an Energy Healing Class created by Donna Eden, who is an author and wrote about energy techniques she taught herself to facilitate in her own healing process. I am a Reiki Practioner, and am very familiar with Energy Healing, Once you open your mind up and realize we are all energy, then you will realize how important Energy work is, and it could become your first choice of healing. Just like acupuncture, which opens up the meridians which carry the energy throughout your body, this process works on the same principle. There are certain poses that help with moving energy in our body, and specific points to tap on or massage to do the same.
This class was very exciting for me. I was a gymnast in College, and it was the love of my life. I enjoy exercise and moving my body, especially for reasons such as this, to get the energy flowing in my body so it can heal itself. I haven't been exercising regularly, but have started doing yoga daily at home due to the body pain I have been feeling. I have realized daily stretching, such as yoga, helps to calm my muscle spasms down.
Since my body has suffered in pain most of my lifetime, and I am always interested in any type of alternative healing solution. We were given diagrams so we could see the meridian patterns in our bodies, and pictures of each exercise, making them easy to remember and do at home. She created a daily program to help increase the energy flow in our bodies in order for it to function properly.
What I love about this Energy Work is that I can teach it to others, for them to do themselves. With Reiki Healing, there is a Practitioner facilitating in the healing of someone. With this process, you are the healer healing yourself. Donna Eden has created movements that will facilitate the same type of energy movement in your body, as in other forms of Energy Healing someone needs to do to you. Sometimes it is very beneficial and self loving to have help in our healing, so both types of Energy Work are wonderful. It is wonderful to be able to have tools to increase your energy flow, to facilitate in our own healing, and to have help if needed as well.
The woman teaching the class was great. She gave us a hand made booklet, and went though it. Most of the class consisted of woman my age and older, having had serious health issues. There seems to be such simple techniques we can do with our bodies, to help our energy flow which facilitates healing, which is so exciting for me. I have always been interested in this type of stuff, without many others to help support it though. The woman made the class open and fun, and she enlightened me a great deal on the flow of energy in our bodies, how it runs through the meridians, and how there is a specific pattern of energy flow for each organ. Wow, this information everyone needs to know about I tell myself, and the younger the better. I tell myself I also really need to teach this to the Senior Citizens to help enhance their healing, and energy flow. This will be an interesting new part of my journey. I am grateful and blessed to have the Universe send it to me now, while I want to help others to learn how to heal themselves. Thank you my most enlightened being of all, I love you!
Namaste, Love and Light to you always!
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